Candice Wu 0:00

This episode is about a very important aspect of loving yourself, loving your whole self. And catching yourself up to the present moment by closing the chapters of the past that are still left open. Knowing that the past is over, we explore shifting the energy in the body by letting the body catch up to what you know is already over and completing what’s incomplete, that you can feel like your beautiful free self.

Candice Wu 0:29

Hello and welcome. You’re listening to the Embody Podcast, a show about remembering and embodying your true nature, inner wisdom, Embodied Healing, and self-love.

Candice Wu 0:42

My name is Candice Wu, and I’m a holistic healing facilitator, intuitive coach, and artists sharing my personal journey of vulnerability, offering meditations and guided healing support, and having co-creative conversations with healers and wellness practitioners from all over the world.

Candice Wu 1:04

This episode is sponsored by the Ally with Death Visualization. It’s a do it yourself online experience that you can do anytime with a friend or by yourself. The energy of death is extremely powerful to ally with. It is the energy to end things or let things die that need to end in our lives, to make way for new creations, new energy, a freer and truer version of ourselves. Especially with this episode of embodying that the past is over, it can help you take inventory of what’s living inside of you, inside of your dynamics, your relationship to yourself, or your outer world that needs to end, release, let go or be recognized that is already over.

Candice Wu 1:47

If you’re feeling anxious, depressed, or feel the things are overwhelming or weighing on you, make some time to do this for yourself. It’s a great reset for the spirit and can reveal some very truthful aspects of yourself that are ready to release.

Candice Wu 2:05

Hey, everyone, I just want to give you a little update on me. For the past couple of weeks, I’ve been in Michigan, spending some time with family and friends and my partner, as well as doing all of the things that I just love to be doing here, which is taking ballet lessons and horseback riding.

Candice Wu 2:25

I haven’t really developed all the musculature that I need for a solid horseback riding. So I’m learning a lot every time. But what I found is that these activities, ballet, and horseback riding, in particular, have brought me so much joy that even if I’m feeling a little bit off in a certain day, just going for a lesson can rejuvenate me and help me feel clear about what’s next for myself, or just being in the moment.

Candice Wu 2:54

I’ve noticed around me and in myself, that people have been feeling very overwhelmed. It’s been an interesting and turbulent time for a lot of people. For myself, I’ve just taken a lot of time to focus on pleasure, to focus on taking pleasure in any moment that I can, even in moments that seem like they’re uncomfortable or that they wouldn’t typically be a pleasurable experience, I look for the pleasure. Look for the love in a situation or I look for something that’s nice to look at, or feel into a breath all by myself that I can, that doesn’t have to do with anything else around me.

Candice Wu 3:36

So I’m hoping that all of you are out there, finding your own ways to feel good and deal with any overwhelm if you’re experiencing that. In the next couple of weeks on my Facebook page, in the Embody Community, actually, it’s a special group on Facebook, I’ll be doing some meditations on overwhelm. How to release it, how to come back to grounding, how to feel in control, and navigating your life from a place of empowerment. So check that out if you’re interested, you can always find my page at CandiceWu.com. Now let’s jump into the episode.

Candice Wu 4:13

A couple of weeks ago, I did an episode on trauma from the science to soul and spirit. It covered what trauma is, how we look at it from a nervous system perspective, the completion of a fight or flight or frozen response, and also from the ancestral perspective, as well as past life, or any archetypal energies that are coming through in you. So, looking at the spiritual aspects of what you want to experience and what this brings to you, in your being, as well as the body aspect and why the body needs to complete something that has happened in the past that is incomplete. If this interests you and you haven’t listened to it, you can find the episode at CandiceWu.com/trauma.

Candice Wu 4:58

And today is an extension of that podcast. Because one of the ways that we complete trauma is by recognizing your safety in this moment, the safety of the fact that the past is over.

Candice Wu 5:15

One of the most important ways that I experienced loving myself and supporting others and doing the same is by helping them and myself be in the present moment, in the present right here and right now is where we can be available to receive and to take and to give. It’s the place where we can truly create from the most authentic, inner spark that we have. It’s where we can provide loving, it’s where we can create something that comes from a truly balanced and peaceful place. But if we’re acting from past parts of us that are just a reaction to something that happened or reaction to something that happened in our ancestry or something that’s been passed down or impressed upon us, then we’re not really coming from a true place of who we authentically are.

Candice Wu 6:11

I believe, loving yourself, one of the aspects of loving yourself is finding the best ways to nourish all the parts of your being, so that you can be your brilliant self. We each have an inner spark that is our full potential and with no shame, distortion, or playing it nice or being polite, we can be clear and vibrant, connected to the deepest source of our light.

Candice Wu 6:35

For me, I’ve had to clear out a lot of inner junk and garbage for my truth to come through for who I am, to really be at peace and come forward in life. It has required shifting out of Soul Karma, of who we believed we were in the past, who we have tied ourselves to in our identity, and to break open into feeling that were many more possibilities and willing to be many more things than we thought we were, and opening to spirit. The spirit that’s moving through me, that is me, and is energy being itself a creative force in motion.

Candice Wu 7:16

What I noticed can happen is that while I may know certain things, while I may think all these beautiful things, my body needs to catch up to speed. There’s a collection of knowing in our bodies, that knowing relates to all of the past experiences that have either shown us resource and openness and empowerment or shown us depression and stuckness and defeat, where we don’t feel just like ourselves, like our very deep and true selves.

Candice Wu 7:48

It is usually that things are incomplete from the past. It’s usually that there are situations in our personal history, our societal history, ancestry or past life that are still wanting some sort of completion, and they’re stuck energy there. Being in our true light, and our true self, loving ourselves for who we are and not all of the reactions and the incomplete things, requires us to cleanse all of those things to complete them, release any toxicity and dynamics that are not working for us anymore, the beliefs that are untrue, and the parts of us that are stuck in time to bring them forward into real time now.

Candice Wu 8:35

There’s a level of acceptance that we need. For example, I have this belief right now that’s really negative about myself. And I just accept that it’s here. So, that can bring awareness and that it eventually moves on its own. Or that I can do some healing work with it from a place of love, gentleness, and compassion, rather than from judgment, or lack of acceptance or resistance.

Candice Wu 9:04

But along with that acceptance, I think it’s really important to know that we don’t have to live exactly with what we experienced in our suffering for much longer. We can complete as much as we can, so that we are in our light, and we do feel like ourselves and at ease so that we can have more loving flow through us and be in our biggest joy. So with all this, then the body can recalibrate to the source, to the oneness, to the energy that is the truth of who we are, the essence of all things.

Candice Wu 9:39

And one thing that I’m noticing now, and you can see if you’re noticing this is that in our consciousness, in our awareness, now, as a society, it seems that there is more opening to different energies and tools that are available to us.

Candice Wu 9:55

Suddenly, one day, I feel much more powerful, and in a different place of myself that wasn’t available in the past. There are different ways to release and to clear or ground and be present with ourselves, there’s just more and more acceptance of all the ways that we can utilize different energies or tools to support ourselves.

Candice Wu 10:17

Some of those tools are ones that I introduced to you, or share with you or remind you of, and there are just so many that I don’t even know of that people are utilizing. And really, the lesson here for me is that every single kind of tool is something we can use at a different time in our lives. We want to accept all different tools for different needs and different levels of awareness, not rejecting that any one thing could be helpful for anyone. So just want to remind us that as we have this conversation.

Candice Wu 10:53

So how can we be more of our own inner spark and light? In this podcast, I’ll talk about catching up to present time, calibrating all the parts of you and your relations, your relationships to your inner self, and outer self. Also releasing and completing anything that seems to be in your personal, historical, tribal, or societal, ancestral or past life that is still unresolved today.

Candice Wu 11:20

We’ll also talk about letting parts of you know that things have ended, and how to draw those parts of you forward into present time. How to utilize the safety and resource that you have now to the parts of you that don’t know that, don’t know this kind of safety or the resources that you do have now.

Candice Wu 11:39

What inspired this podcast episode is a simple phrase, “the past is over.” And this phrase has helped me incredibly, but not all the time. When my body and nervous system were in a high state of overwhelm, where a lot of the traumatic experiences that happened in the past had just hit this threshold of deep suffering that I became aware of, the statement that the past is over, didn’t actually help me.

Candice Wu 12:09

It felt like “Yeah, but so I’m experiencing everything, and it’s not past. It’s here right now.” And so this may not help you right now. But, there may be parts of you that you find it does help or you might be in the place where the statement really resonates with you.

Candice Wu 12:28

So going back to the inspiration for this podcast, this phrase helped my younger self come forward into knowing that things are different now than they were in the past. I’ve had a lot of developmental trauma and belief sets that seem to be really alive in childhood where I felt like I was unlovable, I felt very alone, I felt really needing of certain things from my parents and from others that I didn’t get. And it’s been a lifetime of working through those things.

Candice Wu 13:03

So when I look towards my younger self, if my younger self, like my 5-year-old or 12-year-old self gets activated by some situation that seems to resemble the past, that seems to resemble a time where I felt like I didn’t belong, or that nobody loved me, or that I was nobody, then I can look towards this part of myself and give this part of me the comfort that it needs. And let this part of me know that the past is over, that the time of all of these hurt and need for the things that I needed for my parents, all that is over and that I can give myself, I can give my younger self, the things that I need now. The things that my younger self needed in the past, I can give them now. And to let my younger self know that the bad things, what she experienced as the bad things are over. And that we’re here now in a different time where we don’t need the same things that we needed. And we don’t need to rely on the same people for safety, for example, my parents.

Candice Wu 14:12

So this work of completing all the things in the past that are incomplete is like closing all those chapters that are still lingering. Anything that’s stuck in time that wanted something, anything that wanted something that didn’t get to happen, would be stuck in time. And then bringing all of those to completion, giving everything what they needed to move forward in life and grow. It’s like turning off the music and changing stations by completing your relationship with that station, giving closure to that radio station, and turning on a new one.

Candice Wu 14:48

So what do I mean by parts of us that are stuck in time? This is an example, my younger self of 12 years old really wanted to express anger towards many situations in my life. But at that time, at 12 years old, I didn’t have the support for that, I didn’t have a therapist or someone that I thought I could trust. It was overwhelming to feel that way, my body couldn’t regulate that feeling of anger. And if I showed anger in my family system, it seemed to be not just unacceptable, but I would get punished.

Candice Wu 15:22

And so now in my adult life, it’s still left in my nervous system. And there are things that can trigger my 12-year-old self, to want to just rage at people, especially at my parents. And so that part of me is a bit stuck in time and I’m still working on that part. The situations that happen now that are uncomfortable and out of sync with who you truly feel you are, are the debris that shows up to show you what’s left of your past, to show you which parts are stuck in time, or which parts of you want completion. And it’s an opportunity to see what else has been outdated and outgrown and needing to come into alignment with now.

Candice Wu 16:04

All of the incomplete situations that we have had that we hold, have energy, becomes a blockage, it becomes an area that we resist, and that we fight off, which kind of creates like a dam, if we’re thinking of like water, and a dam holding it back. When we get behind that dam and sense in with love and awareness, and more resource now more than we had in the past, or more than our ancestry had in the past, if we’re working with our lineage, then we can give ourselves the space to have what we need and that dam can open up and all of that life energy. That life force that was held back by that situation that wanted to move forward, can integrate with the rest of your being, and flow and feed all the parts of you that need energy, whether that’s your physical body that needs to digest food, and feel good in life, or the things that you’re wanting to do for yourself now that you don’t have the space for emotionally or physically because all of this energy is held back.

Candice Wu 17:12

We need all those parts of us that have been held back because all that energy is ours. And we need it to go forward, we’ve always needed it. And our soul wants us to complete that. So it keeps on bringing us towards situations that we have the opportunity to do something different. And if we can realize that the past is over, that we are a different person now, that we have a different situation now, then we can create something new.

Candice Wu 17:41

In order to utilize the past being over as helpful, we actually need to let it move through the entire body. So it’s not just a mental thought, like, “oh, the past is over. Okay, now, I’m fine.” Well, if we could do it that way, then we obviously would. We would love to take that route because it would just be so much easier. But a lot of times, what I find is that even though we know it in our minds, our body needs to catch up. So we need to feel that it’s over. And to take the time to feel through that, to feel the moment we knew that something ended or to feel how things are different from the past, and to let our body catch up and integrate the change.

Candice Wu 18:25

As you might have gotten from the podcast two weeks ago, about trauma, the body is not so evolved as the mind. The body has a reality of instinctual nature that we need to protect and survive. So it needs time and space to integrate things when our mind can go much faster. And isn’t that exactly what we want any way we want to feel good in our bodies in this life? We want to feel at ease and in control and empowered in the body. So when we recognize that the past is over, that’s something ended, we also might need to give that part of us that is perhaps stuck in time or feeling like it’s not over yet, we might need to give some sort of completion to that part of us.

Candice Wu 19:15

Well, we can experience some safety by recognizing that it’s over, that part of us may still want to do something that can really complete it to make it over.

Candice Wu 19:26

As in the past podcast episode about trauma, our nervous system doesn’t know it’s over until we complete a fight or flight or other response that’s needed. So that might be grieving, that might be yelling at somebody that you wanted to yell at in the past, that might be running in a situation that was dangerous, and it might be even more fantastical. Like, if a car hits you and you got an accident, you might have wanted to put your arms out to be able to push that car away so that it didn’t hit you. It doesn’t matter what it is, any sense that we have that we desired, anything we desired that didn’t get to happen is part of the completion.

Candice Wu 20:10

In other cases, completing a movement might be reaching out, when you needed someone in reaching out and having someone receive you or give back or be there. Or it might be to apologize and say, “I’m sorry for my part in this hurt.” It might be to grieve or to feel through the pain.

Candice Wu 20:33

So whatever energy is left over that didn’t get to be had whatever is already there wants to have the space to complete so that you can clear up that experience and it no longer wants anything. It’s done.

Candice Wu 20:48

If we’re talking about in our soul life or soul history, like past life, or just a sense of a past, before this life, or our ancestry, where terrible things may have happened to the people in our family, to our loved ones, to people we don’t even know, those experiences, if incomplete, will also get passed down to us. They demand to be felt.

Candice Wu 21:15

So all of that can be complete now, in reminding ourselves and reminding the energies that are in relationship to us that the past is over. And let’s feel the safety that we have now and then give any completion that’s needed there can be really transformative.

Candice Wu 21:33

One of the things you can ask yourself is, “Is this thing that happened actually over? Is the bad thing or the suffering that you experienced, actually over?”

Candice Wu 21:44

And if the answer is no, then you may need to get other support right now. You may need to act more quickly or do something to help yourself come to safety. Especially if this is regarding your emotional or physical or spiritual safety. If that experience is over, or you’re just not so sure, you can check and use the reality of your interactions now in your present life to see if something is complete or over.

Candice Wu 22:19

Sometimes we’re just walking around with the baggage of “Oh, no, somebody’s going to judge me if I say I like them. Or someone’s going to think that I’m not good enough if I share my gifts.”

Candice Wu 22:33

Well, what we can do with the present moment is check. Does it feel like a person you’re interacting with is actually judgmental towards you? Can you look them in the eyes and in their face and see what their experiences? Can you check or ask them, this may be a challenging thing to do, or growthful edge for you, but see in the reality what the case is.

Candice Wu 22:57

If you’re worried about something terrible happening, that someone might yell at you. Or if you’ve been in a natural disaster, and are still feeling unsettled about that, and depending on how long ago these things happened, you can look to your present life. Is it still a threat right now? Is it real right now? Or is it safe in your environment now? And what do you see? What evidence do you have that you are able to say, “Yes, I am safe right now.” or, “I am around people who care about me.”

Candice Wu 23:31

And if you’re not sure, if you’re actually in a safe position or you’re uncertain if something is still going on that would be unsafe for you, that’s where I recommend checking in with trusted people, with loved ones, with friends you trust, healers like me, coaches, therapists, let multiple people support you with that and reach out.

Candice Wu 23:56

I want to go a little deeper into our younger selves. And the things that happened in our childhood is that could be incomplete today, or could be bothering us today and still lingering. Beliefs that we have about ourselves that seem to be there all our lives, or an experience of our own being that seems to have been there for a long time, may be connected to an experience in childhood.

Candice Wu 24:22

The interesting thing about childhood is that we are extremely dependent. We need the support of loving caretakers, parents, or other people to support us, and to give us the regulation, co-regulation, the awareness, the support through all of the emotions and the tough things we experience, the growth that we’re having. And when we don’t receive that experience the way we specifically needed it, we can grow up experiencing that this is the way life is. This is the way the world is.

Candice Wu 24:55

And all the things I needed from my parents, I can’t get and I still want and need. And then we find ourselves as an adult still wanting and needing that from someone. And maybe we displace that to a partner that we have, or a lover that we apply the same needs too. And that can come out in many different subtle ways. Or maybe we expected a friend of ours to really be there anytime we want it. Because we didn’t have that from our parents.

Candice Wu 25:26

I found myself wanting a sort of permanency from a partner wanting them to be there forever. But I think the origins of that are from a parent that I have that seemed to come in and out of my life when I needed them to stay.

Candice Wu 25:43

When we say that the past is over, we don’t just mean that all of those things that were happening then are over. But we’re also referring to the fact that who we were, is different.

Candice Wu 25:57

As a child, we needed a dependency to keep us safe. We needed stability, love, nourishment, food, shelter from our parents, so we had this dependency on them that kept us alive. And now as adults, we don’t have that same dependency on our parents or caretakers. We can provide that for ourselves or get help from other places on our own or with the help of other people in our lives that can support us.

Candice Wu 26:34

So where we may have felt a reliance, a dependence on one or two sources in our lives before on our parents or caretakers, we have many more sources now that we can find to support us.

Candice Wu 26:50

In the specific case of my younger self, I have the resource to imagine my mother and father giving me what I needed. I have the flexibility in my mind and developed that overtime to do that. I have the resource to reach out to a coach, a healer or a friend to get some support from. I also have the resource to imagine my adult self giving my younger self, what she needs, exactly what she needs, and exactly the way she wants it.

Candice Wu 27:19

And I have the ability to tell my younger self that what happened in the past is over. And to give her a gentle update, a memo, a news flash about life now that things are different. And I can bring her forward into what her future would be, which is the present right now.

Candice Wu 27:39

So if this is resonating with you, you might look for places that you find that there are chapters on closed parts of you that are stuck in time that are wanting something that never got to habit. And perhaps parts of your ancestry that experienced really hard or unbearable things, where there was an imbalance in a certain way, maybe where a relationship was out of balance, or something really awful happened and it’s still something your family talks about today.

Candice Wu 28:11

Even if you have a sense that there’s something back there, you don’t need to know the details. That’s where a Family Constellations professional like myself or my colleagues, or anyone in the world that does that work, that’s where they can come into play and support you with that. Because we can open that up without knowing the information mentally, where the body can tell you even more, in this case, to Akashic records, and past life regression, or people who do Soul work might be an interesting way to get support for that as well.

Candice Wu 28:42

So as a continuation of the trauma work that we’ve been talking about, and also any growth or development in yourself, I am going to release three different healing experientials in this next week. All of it to address this idea that the past is over.

Candice Wu 28:58

The first one will be taking inventory on any aspects of yourself that feel like they’re stuck in time, any chapters of your life that want closing and completion so that you can feel free of them.

Candice Wu 29:13

The second one is to close a specific chapter that you find in your inventory. Perhaps it’s working with your younger self, or a piece of your inner world, and to bring some completion to that, so that you can leave that behind and bring this part of yourself, this energy of you to the present day life, where you have more resource and where you have all possibility.

Candice Wu 29:39

The third healing experiential will be completing something in a relationship that still seems to be open. So even if we think we’ve had closure in certain relationships, sometimes our soul or body wanted something else to happen or wanted to say something and didn’t get to. And will work with completing any of those things that you needed in the present moment, so that you can feel like your connection and energetic tie to this person is complete. And that can really free you up for new relationships or new connections with other things in your life that you want today.

Candice Wu 30:23

So we’re coming to the end of the podcast today. I hope you found it interesting and a nice extension to the trauma podcast that was two weeks ago. Check out the three experientials that are coming out for your healing and for your growth. And as always, feel free to reach out to me with any thoughts, questions, support, I love hearing from you. And I absolutely love doing healing work online with anyone in the world that’s listening.

Candice Wu 30:51

As we end today, I would love to invite you to check out my Patreon page at CandiceWu.com/patreon. If you’ve been touched, helped or supported in any way by any of these podcasts that I put out there, I would just love for your contribution to continue these podcasts and to offer topics that you’re interested in. You can feel free to give me that feedback as well on the Patreon page, and to give a contribution that can support to producing more of these podcasts.

Candice Wu 31:20

And before you go, I’d also like to invite you to the Embody Community. Here, you can get access to my bi-monthly newsletter, as well as other healing experientials, meditations, and offerings.

Candice Wu 31:31

And as we close today, I just want to send my well wishes for all of you to find more and more of your true self. To just love who you are exactly who you are, and all that you are deeply wanting to bring to this life, to feel in this life and to be.

Candice Wu 31:51

There’s a middle school student years ago that I just really appreciate it. And one of the things she said to me was, “I wish you all that you wish for.” And so today, I’ll leave you with that thought and sentiment that I wish you all that you wish for.

Candice Wu 32:08

Okay, see you next time on The Embody Podcast.

Introduction

You’re jumping and on a healing experience and self-inquiry of taking inventory on what’s stuck in time.

This is one of the healing experiences out of three that are connected with the episode on the Past is Over and Loving Yourself. You can find the full episode at CandiceWu.com/pastisover.

This self-inquiry is a guided experience that I will take you through to sense into if there are any areas of your personal history, your communal and societal history as well as your ancestry and past life — if that feels pertinent to you — that feel like they’re incomplete, there’s that they’re still tugging on you or there’s some sense of something hanging back there.

When we have something in our history that is incomplete, we might feel some body sensations still lingering.

We might feel emotions or even body movements that hold itself in our physicality, in our physiology, to show itself to be acknowledged and complete.

So, what I mean by what’s stuck in time is that when something is incomplete in our history, wherever that lies in our history, it is as if that aspect of ourselves is stuck, and it’s stuck in a past time, and it’s as if you’re not necessarily living in the reality of the present moment where you can receive, and create freely and easily, but a part of the past is still lingering into the now and a part of the nervous system.

The body and soul are acting as if that thing is still happening, that thing that happened back then is ongoing and not yet complete, and that experience is wanting us to find a new way to be, some resolution so that you come out of it differently.

Let’s Get Curious

So, this experience is meant to be a curious, open and compassionate experience of just looking back and sensing into where there may be aspects of you that are stuck in time or wanting to find some sort of acknowledgment and completion.

I would invite you to have a journal or a piece of paper and writing utensil, and for you to just turn on the part of you that doesn’t need to make any sense of it all, but is open and wondering and non-judgmental.

And as you have your journal or paper and writing utensils in a comfortable place where you can sit easily and feel good in your body. Just place the paper and writing utensil down and start to tune into yourself.

Opening the Body

Let your breath flow and just wash away the day so far.

Wash away any worries or thoughts, plans or todo lists. Feel free to close the eyes if you’d like to.

Just feel the air right around your body, and begin to feel the edges of your body.

Be aware all the way down to your belly and your back, and sense into your hips and your legs.

Be aware of the floor and earth all the way underneath you and the sky above, and if at any time you feel overwhelmed or would like a break.

Feel free to come out at your own pace and open the eyes, look around, pause the recording if you need to, and just let yourself feel the present moment.

If you’re ready to begin, anytime you feel like writing something down, feel free to open your eyes, jot down anything that comes to you.

If it’s more interesting for you to feel in and sense, and just recall in your own memory, feel free to do that as well.

As you tune more into the body right now, feel into any emotions that you’re noticing, any body sensations, anywhere you feel tense or like you’re holding, where you feel calm or open, neutral, anything at all.

We take it all in as information. And as I bring up different aspects of life, feel free to just notice if anything changes. Again, receiving anything as information.

You might notice images in your mind, thoughts, emotions or more body sensations. Now, notice your present-day life.

Sense the age that you are right now, just feel into this year at this age, and tune into the thoughts, feelings, sensations you have, and seeing into anything significant that’s happened this year, positive and negative.

Sometimes times what’s stuck in time is also a positive thing. Feel free to jot down anything that comes to you about anything this year that seems significant.

Traveling Back in Time

And now, travel back in time in your awareness and go to last year, the year of life before this year, and again, notice if there’s anything significant that’s happened, important defense, incidences, upsets, relationship changes, accidents, rewards, recognitions.

Go back now in time to each year of your life, and sense the same. It doesn’t matter if your mind remembers anything that happened.

It’s not about the exact time that things happened, but if you have a feeling or emotion, let’s say you scan up to age 25, and you feel some tightness in your shoulders, just make note of the age and what you sense in your journal or paper.

So, take your own time and just scan backward to each year of your life, and sense any information, your body, your heart or your mind tell you — and feel free to just jot down anything, even if it’s a color that shows up for some feeling sense or thought.

Let yourself go all the way back to your young life, take a little extra time at each of those ages and just land, holding the intention of that age as you just feel into your body.

Let your body remember. Let your body tell you if anything was significant that’s leftover.

Go all the way to being a young child, and even a baby.

If you need more time, I suggest pausing the recording right now, so that you can take your own time to go all the way back to the beginning of your life, and just jot down anything that you sense.

It might be incomplete, wanting attention or stuck or anything that seems activating as you sense into it, any age, any feeling sense.

Tuning into Your Ancestry

If you’re ready to move on to scanning into your ancestry, stay alongside me. Pick a couple of deep breaths, and just acknowledge and honor yourself for all that you’re doing in the moment to sense into anything that’s incomplete in yourself.

Be aware that not everything may show itself to you now, and that’s okay, and that if you do this exercise, again another day, you might receive different information, and you might even receive no information at any given time, and that might be information as well.

As you feel into yourself now, just notice where you’re seated, that is her hips. Let yourself reset to your body here and now, at the age you are now, the place in life right now.

And now, let’s take a little journey into your ancestry.

We’ll begin by imagining your parents and or any caretakers that were important to you.

Sense if there are any aspects of their relationship or their life that seems to be significant to you in terms of how they may experience themselves or each other.

If there have been any experiences that happened together or in their childhood or in the course of their lives, sense into if they’ve had any struggles, challenges, accidents, illnesses, trauma, war, emigration, death, loss of someone important, major transitions that were overwhelming.

Write down anything that comes to you in terms of thoughts, events, images, body sensations and emotions as you sense in.

Take note of anything inside that has changed, now that we’ve brought up your parents or important caregivers.

Going Back Farther

And now, if we add in your grandparents behind them, sense if the picture changes, and if new thoughts, images, emotions or sensations come to you now.

Again, it doesn’t need to make sense, your intuitive sense is exactly what we’re looking for, anything that you perceive.

Now, we open to your grandparents, and if there were any significant events, upsets, hardships, anything that was even a bit overwhelming, whether or not you knew them, you can write down any sense that you have.

Sense into their relationship with each other as well as with their children, your parents or caregivers.

Notice if they’ve had any issues with money, with different emotions, imbalances in their relationships, connections with the community, connections with church or religion, and spirituality, challenges they faced.

You might also sense into any aunts and uncles — anyone related in this family, add them into the picture and see if other emotions, thoughts or ideas come to you now.

Return to your breath and your body in between each thing that you write down.

Feel free now to go backwards to your great grandparents, whether you know them or not dead or alive.

Feel into anything that’s there.

If you’re noticing a change of something inside, again, just jotting that down, and scan farther back into your ancestry, to your great great grandparents, all the way back seven generations, if possible.

Do a quick scan and sense, anything that’s there in terms of emotions, an image, a feeling sense, the way that your body shapes itself as you feel into that part of your lineage. Take any notes that you have now, any information that you’ve gathered, just writing anything down.

Again, if you need more time, feel free to pause the recording here. If you’re ready to move forward into the past life, feel free to join in with me.

Journeying into Past Life

If you’re not sure about past life exploration or if you don’t believe in a past life, you can feel free to skip this part or just explore with some openness and see if anything happens for you.

As we shift gears here, just feel back into your breath into your body. You might open your eyes and just take a look around and sense your surroundings. Notice you’re here, right now, in the present moment.

And as you feel ready, feel free to close your eyes or look down — whatever’s more comfortable.

Take yourself to the beginning of your life. Imagine going even before that all the way to before you came into this life.

Today, is just a quick scan of past life, just noticing anything before this life, feeling into your life before this. Any feeling sense, thought or intuition about anything that’s happened in your past life that still seems to be open or wanting to be acknowledged today.

It might be an upsetting situation, trauma, a violation or violence of any sort a disconnection with a loved one, when imbalance with an important relationship or other extreme situations or maybe as you sense in, there’s just nothing at all.

Whatever you feel any thought that pops in your mind, just jot it down, and you can take a look later.

See if anything sticks, and let yourself be surprised and open, and feel free to take yourself back another life even before the one before this.

You might have some sort of felt sense inside — tension, tingling or aching. Whatever you feel inside, just write that down or take note.

If you’d like more time to go farther back on your own, feel free to pause and come back when you’re done, but for now, we’re just gonna leave it at that and bring yourself forward into time, back to this life, back to this moment.

And as you start feeling yourself in your body right here and now, be aware of your surroundings — the noises, senses, smells, what the space around you looks like, and imagine it in your mind even before you open your eyes.

When you feel ready to open your eyes, feel free to and just look around, and let yourself orient back to here and now.

Coming Back to the Present

Feel your breath. Feel free to touch your body here, let yourself have a feeling of the container of your body.

Tap on your skin or squeeze or give yourself a hug, whatever feels good to your body.

You may consider taking a little break before you look at what you’ve written, and as you receive what you’ve written, take it lightly and with a lot of gentleness, and curiosity, letting this be all information that you can use for your next healing, coaching or therapy session or just your own personal exploration and growth.

Or leave these as markers of what might be there, an idea of what’s in your inventory of what’s stuck in time.

As you tune even more to the present moment, feel free to give a little movement to your body that feels good.

Take some deep breaths and release your breath out, and before you go today, take your hands on your heart or take a moment to thank yourself for taking this inventory on what stuck in time, what wants completion or honoring in your life, in your ancestry, your past life.

Thank Yourself

Thank yourself for being open and willing to experience something different, something new.

You might scan your list when you get a chance, and notice if there’s one thing that you have been intrigued by or found interesting that you might focus on as you take your next steps.

I invite you to join me in the next healing exploration on completing a chapter of the past through the body.

So, we will take one of the things that you wrote down or some aspect of your life that you feel is not complete in your personal history or your past life, and we will close that chapter to clear that up and release it so that you can be even freer in your now so that you can have even more space to be in your inner brilliance and light.

Again, you can find the full podcast at CandiceWu.com/pastisover, and check out the next healing exploration.

See you next time.

This healing experiential is about completing a chapter of the past through embodied healing. It's part of a series of three healing experientials related to the full episode of Loving Yourself and the Past Being Over. You can find the full podcast at CandiceWu.com/pastisover. And now, let's jump in.

Hello, and welcome. You're listening to the Embody Podcast, a show about remembering and embodying your true nature, inner wisdom, embodied healing, and self-love.

My name is Candice Wu, and I'm a holistic healing facilitator, intuitive coach, and artist, sharing my personal journey of vulnerability, offering meditations and guided healing support, and having co-creative conversations with healers and wellness practitioners from all over the world.

This healing experiential is intended to support you in closing a chapter of the past, closing an incident or situation that's happened in the past that bothers you today or somehow affects your body, nervous system or heart, and clearing that so that you feel it's complete. Depending on how resource you feel in your own nervous system in your own body in terms of how well you can navigate your own emotions, I would suggest using an incident or a chapter of your life that feels mildly upsetting or challenging. If you feel more resourced in yourself, feel free to go for whatever feels right for you. At any time, if you feel overwhelmed, as I always say, just pause the recording and take some time to either do some self-touch to help your body feel grounded or look around and orient yourself to the present moment to safety.

If you completed the previous healing experiential with me on Self-Inquiry and Taking Inventory of What's Stuck in Time, you might have a full list of things that you might use today in terms of closing a chapter of the past. If you don't have anything, that's okay, we will tune into something today, but you also might consider doing the other healing experiential, first. It's called Taking Inventory on What's Stuck in Time. Now, let's jump in.

Take a moment to just peel off the layers of today's stress of anything that's already happened today. Take some deep breaths into your heart. Let your body open, feel into your belly, into your hips, your legs and feel the grandness and steadiness of earth supporting you. Whatever you're sitting on, get comfy as much as you'd like to and feel the support of what's underneath you. Feel free to close your eyes or look down, whatever helps you feel more in tune with yourself.

Now, let yourself tune into any part of your personal past or your past life that you feel is incomplete, upsetting or still challenging in your inner world today.

Invite the part of you that experienced this situation to come forward. So, if something happened when you were a young child, imagine yourself as a young child, and invite your young child forward, that you can see this part of you.

As you witness this part of yourself, notice if this part has any emotions, if they're experiencing anything at the moment. Let yourself sense and imagine using your intuition, using any perception you have, letting yourself be curious and open. We'll let our mental analyzing mind just go to the side for now, as we let the more imaginable, visual, sensing world come to the front.

Now, whatever situation you had in the past, notice the moment you realized that this situation was over. When was the moment you notice that this was over? Was there a helpful person? Is there a moment in time that it was clearly done with, that you are alive when you noticed? Or notice how you got through the situation. What we're doing is finding resource and finding the point of time in which the best bad thing or the rough or challenging situation was over, and as you feel into that moment and notice it, let your body attune to that, noticing that this is the moment you realized it was over or this is how you got through it. Notice what's happening inside your body, any sensations, any emotions, any movement your body desires as you notice the whole world of that moment or that experience where you noticed it was over or that something was good afterwards, a helpful person you got through it.

Take your time in feeling any pleasure or safety from recognizing that the situation had ended, that you were okay, that you are alive.

Now, if you feel ready, go back to the part of you that was in the rough situation or the chapter that you'd like to close, and as you sense in to this part of yourself, do so with complete loving, allowing an awareness.

Check in with this part of you that experienced this hard thing, and sense in to if there's anything your past self needs now, in order to feel okay, safe or to get through this situation.

Ask: what do you need? And listen without any filter, without any need for it to make sense, and whatever this part of you says, imagine it now. Imagine that you could give them whatever they need now. It's right for them, and feel through what you notice in your body, or in theirs. Let any emotions come through and pass. Stay with it if it's tolerable and manageable, and take any breaks that you need, just to give yourself a gentle easing into this.

You might check in again and see how they're doing, and if there's anything else that they need, perhaps they need to just scream and yell or they would like to do something with someone else, express how they're feeling, maybe they're ready to play or create. See what they need now.

Check in to see if they need any comfort or love from you, any affection or words that let them know that this situation is over. Let them know that this was in the past and that the past is over. Feel free to let them know how sorry you are that this happened. How they did not deserve this. You might let this part of you know that you're with them, and that they're not alone or acknowledge anything they want acknowledged. Acknowledge how they didn't get what they need in the past, but they can have it now.

You might give them space to express anything they want to or let you know their story, and if there's anything else they wish would have happened, listen and sense into that now.

If you have any picture in your mind of what they need or what they wished for, picture that image all the way through, picture that scene. Let yourself and this part of you take your time. The completion of this may not be completed all in one sitting and that's okay.

Now, give your past self or this part of you an update on how things are now, how things are different. You might let them know who's in your life now or how things are or what you're doing, whether you're an adult now, you have different relationships and situations. Remind them that the past is over.

Now, feel free to take your past self from the past and invite them into the present. You can even go retrieve them from the past, wherever they are, and if they're ready to, you can bring them forward into time into the present moment, into how your life looks right now, and show them around. Explain what's happening now and what life is like, and if they're not ready, just plant the seed and let them know that they're invited to come to the present whenever they're ready.

In whatever step you are in this process, feel free to take a little more time at your own pace, whether you are checking in with yourself in the past, letting them know that the past is over or giving them the space to express what their story is and how they're feeling or what they need or imagining for them what they need. Take your own time now with whatever part you're at, and I'll give you a little bit of quiet time to do so. And when you hear the music, you'll know that the recording is going to end but feel free to take even longer, and as you complete this, take some time to ground yourself in the present moment, looking around and orienting yourself to space and time.

So, here now, is some quiet time for you.

Candice Wu 0:00
You're tuning into a healing experiential today about releasing and closing a relationship that haunts you or has some sort of grip on you. This is one of three healing experientials connected with the podcast about Loving Yourself and the Past is Over, you can find the full podcast at CandiceWu.compastisover.

Hello, and welcome. You're listening to the Embody Podcast, a show about remembering and embodying your true nature, inner wisdom, embodied healing, and self-love.

My name is Candice Wu, and I'm a holistic healing facilitator, intuitive coach, and artist, sharing my personal journey of vulnerability, offering meditations and guided healing support, and having co-creative conversations with healers and wellness practitioners from all over the world.

Relationships are extremely important to us as social beings, and if you're anything like me, then you've had many relationships that were really tough, relationships that are friendships or intimate relationships, ones with teachers, parents, even role models that have been both positive and conflictual at different times. And then, there was the relationship that just seemed to go on forever inside of me, even though the reality of the situation in real life wasn't happening at all, and so, if you've been haunted by a relationship or it's just had a grip on you for so long, like me, you might find this healing experiential helpful.

Sometimes we think we've had closure and perhaps we did in real life or somehow mentally, we've decided that we're done with a relationship, ut what I find is the soul and the body think differently, they're living on a different logic. They don't quite think, it's more of a heart to heart connection that needs a gentle and loving acknowledgement, and honoring in order for it to shift. Sometimes, our mind has decided something and get our heart and soul isn't yet caught up.

In this experience, I will walk you through checking in with a relationship that is important to you or was important to you, and seeing if there's anything that your heart, soul or body needs to complete it, so that you really do feel free of it and open for new relationships now, open for the ones that you want to manifest in your life and want to attract in your life so that you can have the kind of loving relationship you want now, whether that's a friendship, intimate relationship, connection with colleagues, anything at all.

As you work with a relationship in this experience with me today, remind yourself with gentleness that it may take more than one time to experience through and complete something here. If it's a very significant relationship, it may take a long time or years or just many times of checking in and seeing what else is there. Sometimes, different relationships pop up at different times, and a different aspect is shown to us where it's incomplete or something wants to be acknowledged about it, perhaps grief or upset, anger, even joyfulness, even positive feelings that come from a relationship may want some integration later. We're not always present in the moment when we receive something to take it in all the way through the whole body and the energy, and so, our body wants us to integrate all of that, and may remind you of doing so later when you're ready, and there's space.

So, whatever relationship you want to work with today, I'm wishing you a freedom between you and that person, where you and that symbol or object. You can work with any relationship even though I've referred to ones that connect with human people. It might be a relationship with an animal, your house, your career, money, you can decide, but I'm going to describe it as a relationship with a person just to make it simpler for this recording.

Before we begin, make sure that you have enough time after this experience to just give yourself a break before you need to jump into something else or work or the next thing in your day. When working with relationships, it's just really good to give yourself all the space you can to integrate what happens. And now, let's jump in.

For this experience, I'd invite you to stand up. Let's first begin by letting the body move in any way it feels comfortable or anyway it desires to, just give your body full permission to do what it wants to. That might be standing still, weighing side decide or leaning, curling up, sitting, whatever feels right.

Let yourself tune into your breath and allow anything that's happening to continue to happen.

Feel your feet underneath you, your legs, your hips. Tune into any intention that you have around any relationship that you'd like to work with.

Now, open your awareness to the relationship that you'd like to give some attention to, perhaps it's a relationship you'd like to close, release or shift, and with whoever this relationship is, invite the image of this person in front of you. Imagine they're standing right there as you're standing here. And just as we invited your body to move in any way that felt right. Feel free to do so here as well as you hold the other person in your awareness, too. Notice if you want to move closer or farther to this person. Sense what your body wants here, may be different from what your mind is telling you or what you thought about. Just let your mind chatter, for the moment, wash away and feel into your heart, your body, your hips in what's happening inside.

Become aware of any sensation in your body, any place of holding or resistance, any place of love calmness, feeling neutral. Tune in very carefully and sense if your body is feeling guarded, cold, angry, warm, loving, reaching out. Allow yourself to follow that movement and emotion or sensation.

And as you see this person in your mind's eye, notice them. How do they look to you? Is there warmth coming from them? Is there coldness? There's some emotion or energy between the two of you, notice whatever there is to notice here.

Recognize that this is your perception and your intuitive sense we're working with. There's no need to worry about the details or what's really true or not, just sensing what's in your inner world here.

Now, sense if there's anything left unsaid or unresolved between the two of you. Say out loud anything to this person that you need to say, without any filter. Notice what happens inside in your own body as you say these things out loud. Notice what happens in your awareness of this person. If there's anything unresolved or desired here, invite yourself to picture that now. Feel any body sensations or emotions that come with this, and again, take any breaks that you need if things start to feel overwhelming or intense.

Notice if any of these words might feel true in the situation or needed. There is love here for I accept my responsibility for the hurt in this relationship, with a breakdown of this relationship, and I'll leave you with your responsibility for I agreed to this for a time, and I no longer agree or thank you. Thank you for all of the good moments and I take them with me or I wish you peace on your way. Say, whatever feels resonant for you or imagine the other person saying any of these words to you that you want.

If your emotions or your body felt activated by any of those words, they may be just the right ones or you may tweak them a little to fit your situation.

Invite yourself to imagine anything that you wish they would say, picture that happening. And when I say anything that you wish, it may not be that you wish it to happen in real life, but that some part of you wants to experience this, give yourself permission to feel it now.

Sense anything that's happening inside your body, arms, your legs, your belly, and in your heart. Notice your breathing. Notice any changes.

Follow yourself in what's happening inside. If there's anything else that you'd like to say to this person or you'd like to hear from them.

Now, is your chance to be completely honest, without any filter. Let this experience is just between you and yourself, and the energy of this person and your awareness.

If there's anything else that's needed, feel free to imagine, say or do it, now. Your body move with it, and as you feel complete or ready to conclude today, take a couple of steps back when you feel ready. A day with your body and just notice anything that's happening inside, and allow yourself to gradually move farther back or invite them to move further back in your awareness, feel any shift inside.

And as you feel ready, become aware of your surroundings and sense anything around you that seems pleasant to look at. Feel your feet and give your toes a little wiggle. Notice couple of breaths.

And as you conclude today, notice if anything has shifted for you, and take a moment to honor yourself for doing this deep work. Thank yourself for taking the time to give yourself the attention you need and want, to clear up a relationship that you're struggling with, and acknowledge anything that you experienced, anything at all, taking it all in as information.

And as we conclude here today, I'll leave you with a little bit of time, as usual, to integrate, rest, and be quiet and still with yourself, and you'll hear some music at the end, and then you'll know that this recording is over.

See you next time.

Candice Wu 0:00

This episode is about hope and losing hope so that you can feel fully free and embracing of your present experience.

Candice Wu 0:09

Hello and welcome. You’re listening to the Embody Podcast, a show about remembering and embodying your true nature, inner wisdom, embodied healing, and self-love.

Candice Wu 0:25

My name is Candice Wu, and I’m a holistic healing facilitator, intuitive coach, and artist, sharing my personal journey of vulnerability, offering meditations and guided healing support, and having co-creative conversations with healers and wellness practitioners from all over the world.

Candice Wu 0:34

This episode is made possible by my supporters on Patreon I truly appreciate all of the support that I’m receiving there. All of the episodes that I make here, as well as any free guided meditations or healing experiences, are all made with love and a lot of time and energy that I love doing, and it just helps a lot when people feel inspired to give back to support that process. You can find that information on CandiceWu.com/patreon, and I encourage you to take a look if you feel compelled to be a part of this process.

Candice Wu 1:03

This is part of the a{Live} now series, and it’s been some time since I’ve done one of these episodes. a{Live} now was my signature title for something that’s in my process right now, something that I’m receiving in me or discovering in myself, where I just share a little bit more raw and unpolished, and moment to moment. So, here it is.

Candice Wu 1:48

When I finally sat down with myself the other day, it was that I had a very large headache, there was tension in my shoulders, and I just couldn’t ignore what was going on inside of me any longer. It was as if my body was saying, “Okay, if you’re not going to listen, then we’re going to make you almost sick.” So, I felt worn down, I felt like I was on the edge of having a cold, but it wasn’t quite breaking out. And usually, at least now in my life, when I have some sickness, there is a spiritual connection with whatever I’m going through.

Candice Wu 2:25

So, the experience and message that I was receiving inside of myself were, “Candice, lose all hope. Forget about hope. Right now, it’s not helping you anymore, you know this already. But we’re just going to cleanse out all of hope, whatever’s left of it.” As you probably know, from listening to me, or anything that you’ve read about my work, that I work with different parts of myself, and I encourage others to do that as well. So, that’s what I mean, when I say we, it’s like many parts of me are on board with this now. Let’s lose hope. As I felt through that I just felt some emotions move through like grief, a little bit of loss, a little bit of hoping and wishing that ended up in disappointment. And what I realized, hope is about for me at times is control. And I’m bringing this conversation to the podcast because I think it’s a very interesting topic to look at your own life and whether you feel hope is serving you right now, at some points, hope has served me a great deal.

Candice Wu 3:35

There was a very clear time in my life, where I realized what hope was doing. And it was when I had been let down over and over by my father, and I just was hoping it would be different. I was also working for a change and doing my part in creating a better relationship with him, and it was so devastating every time I would run up against the same experience. So, it was like re-traumatizing myself every time. It was finally when I realized again, how painful this was that I was shattered. And the hope that I had for things to be different, wasn’t there anymore, because somehow he had broken it enough times, and I was pretty much left in shambles about my relationship with my father, I really wanted a loving connection with him. And I wanted to be seen by him, something that I struggled with all my life.

Candice Wu 4:41

And what I realized at that time was, I have no more hope. And actually, it’s a good thing, because then I will not return to the thing that is actually hurting me. And I realized that hope isn’t always at play in this same way, for me and for other people, so, I’m just offering this as my own experience of how hope has been a survival mechanism for me. And in this way, hope, the idea of wishing and wanting, and craving for something to be different than it was, seem to be associated and paired up with my survival mode experience, the survival mode period of my life where I was pleasing my family the best I could in order to be loved and to be seen. I didn’t know my own worth, and I didn’t know that I was important. And I tried to find that connection with my parents in any way I could so that I could feel that worth and value, and I wasn’t receiving it. And so, using hope, the thought that things might be better in the future, actually was one way that I could manage to live through what was a very traumatizing period of my life.

Candice Wu 6:07

When I got to the point where I was old enough to be aware of what was happening and could get some support from other people, I had more resources at that point, and I realized I didn’t need that hope anymore, that the hope was actually hurting me, not so much keeping me alive anymore. What the hope was doing was keeping me from actually looking at the devastating feelings that I had inside that I was heartbroken. And it took some time for my body to build the safety and resilience to feel through all those emotions bit by bit, and the hope just helped me keep some of those emotions that day.

Candice Wu 6:53

So, hope was a way that I could control and titrate my feelings so that they didn’t come blasting at me all at once. And I can see where that was helpful and protective and adaptive for me in the past. But now, it doesn’t so much serve me. I’m at the place where what I desire for myself is true presence and the ability to embrace what’s here and to explore what opportunities bring me because they could bring me a plethora of things more joy than I could even imagine more joy than I could think of in my mind. But also, it could bring me a deepening of feeling certain aspects of myself that have been hidden, painful ones, it could be bringing me to feel the emotions that are challenging. But that gives me a richer place of experience. And I have the resource to be able to feel so many emotions now that I’m open to seeing what something might bring. I’m not saying that that’s particularly easy, I still, obviously, quite struggle with different emotions at different times.

Candice Wu 8:03

Just as I was mentioning, it even took me a little bit to get to this message for myself, having less control on my present experience also can open up the learning that might be an opportunity in this moment, for the lessons that my soul and my spirit deeply need to learn. This probably being one of them, to let go of expectation, let go of a tight grip on what you think the experience should be. But to open up and see that there’s way more than what you think you want. There’s a spiritual experience that we want to have lessons that we want to learn the way that we want our character to build in the long run and as a spirit, that go way beyond the earthly desires that we have, that go way beyond the way that we think life ought to be in this present day, birth consciousness. And these are matters of the heart, matters of love, and learning of all the different possibilities of the universe, all the different tools that we have to use and ways that we can connect with different parts of us and each other. And this probably is one of them for me is to see hope as not always a good thing, but when can it be a thing that isn’t useful anymore.

Candice Wu 9:31

So, back to hope as control. When we say, “Oh, I hope it will be this way, or I hope you are well.” It’s not that I’m criticizing these things were that we shouldn’t say them because they come with a lot of sentiment. But what I think is actually happening is that we are projecting our own sense of what we think is better, for people and for ourselves, because we’re scared of what actually is or and what actually may be in its place. It’s a very subtle, and it’s not meant to be a criticism of anyone or any wording or anything like that. But as I was looking at the energy of hope, it felt like, yeah, a very subtle version of control on my experience.

Candice Wu 10:25

If I don’t put that control on my experience, then I’m open to having more space for presents, like true presents and creativity right now, for true receiving or giving in the moment or creating. So, I feel that I’m wiping my hard drive, my entire system, clean of hope, and opening myself more to the space of not knowing and realizing, and feeling what else is beyond that hope.

Candice Wu 10:59

I find that hope also creates a distance between me and the thing that I want. If I think that I hope for something, I’m actually wanting it. If I say I want that, or I would like that, versus I hope for that, there’s something for me that feels like I’m even closer to the thing that I’m speaking of rather than having a little more distance, hope feels like it may not be possible. And want feels like an expression of my desire, which makes something even that much more possible. Hope seems to feel like it leaves me hanging and it’s a bit hollow because it can mean so many different things. There’s a bit more action embedded in wanting something then hoping for something, it feels like I’m reaching for something that’s very far away and it keeps a distance between me and the future.

Candice Wu 12:00

Another example of this is saying, “I hope I can do it.” And when I say that, I hope I can do it. I think what I actually might be meaning is something like I’m not sure if I can do it, or I feel anxious about my capabilities, or I’m uncertain. And saying that to me feels like it owns the emotion that’s behind what I’m experiencing. It’s a little clear and present to my experience that allows that experience to move and to evolve in its way. For me, it feels even more honest and real to the experience to speak to what’s underneath that hope. That sounds similar also for me when I’m saying, “I hope that you’re doing well” to somebody, because underneath that is my care for them and my love for them or my warm sentiments, or it’s I don’t want to know how you’re doing. And I just hope you’re well, that’s what’s a bit of a distance again.

Candice Wu 13:04

So, just as hope is a form of control, it also is a form of disempowerment, but not all the time, because sometimes it’s helpful to us, as I mentioned with my younger self, but in the place where you don’t actually need to hope for something different that you can have the resources now to embody and be in your experience. Hope may be a form of disempowerment, it’s giving away your power, And part of our power is to feel holding and feel embracing of all of what this moment is offering us, not just the slim part of happiness or joy, that is an experience but the whole entirety of the experience.

Candice Wu 13:49

So, for me, right now, it might be better to be hopeless, and not necessarily hopeless in the way we’ve associated hopeless to be, such as feeling depressed, or with absolutely no life in me or feeling of light, but hoping less. For me, that’s a vibration of feeling into my power now, that I can be in the present situation, I can manifest what I want in my life. And I can work with the fears that do come up around that. But that I don’t need to control the situation, to the degree that I feel hope even brings. The expectation on my experience creates a restriction, and it just gives a slim and narrow space for experiencing what’s truly there when I’m really open to experiencing more than that. I am increasingly more open to the possibilities of what may come in an experience, and it takes me out of being locked in a previous experience. So, when we have for something, we’re actually referring to an experience that is without that thing that we hope, and that holds us and ties us to a previous experience of reaction to a previous experience that we’ve had, it’s a bit limited.

Candice Wu 15:17

So, what I’m doing with myself is taking a good look at the energy of hope in my life, in my body, and how it feels, how passive it might feel now, and how it feels like it’s a passive way to control my experience. And I’ve looked at how that energy comes into my wording and how I communicate with people. And seeing if there’s something else I actually mean, if hope is just a filler word, “I hope you’re well, I hope that you have a good time.” Is it a filler word for some sentiment that I want to share with them? Is there something more honest, clear or direct that I might say, and I’m also looking at choosing different energy besides hope, perhaps trust or faith, and seeing how I can play with that energy now to support me in my next steps.

Candice Wu 16:11

Another aspect I’ve been exploring around this is prayer. And when is prayer also tuning into the energy of hope versus faith or belief or asking? I think all of those are different feelings and vibrations. If any of this is resonating for you, I want to remind you that these are just my personal experiences, some of the thoughts I’ve been having around hope, and where I personally am. And I want to say that hope is helpful when you’re in the very, very, very dark, darkest of the dark, and you need something to help you to get to some light, you think hope does bring some light when you need it. And we do need to feel like we’re in control. And that has some semblance of control of ourselves or our world around us, and I’ve often heard and said myself as a therapist, to someone who feels very hopeless, that perhaps I’ll hold the hope until they can. And sometimes that feels very comforting. And I think what I really meant to say in those situations, or now looking back, be had felt in that situation was that I actually believed in them. I believed in them that their life could be the way that they wanted it to be. I believed in them that they were worthy of life and that they could have a different kind of life.

Candice Wu 17:45

So, again, that’s my exploration of how am I using those words, and what they actually mean. What does hope actually mean? So, as I share all these personal thoughts, and explorations, they’re not meant to be a rule for everyone or something that everyone needs to consider at this moment. But if something about this does pick your interest, it may be interesting for you to look at and just become aware of the energy of hope in your life, where you feel hopeful, or where you say you hope for something, or hope for something for someone else, and what amount of control is that on your experience or on someone else’s experience? Or the expectation that things should be a certain way, when really, that’s just an idea of morality, or an idea of intolerance to the whole picture of light and dark?

Candice Wu 18:45

And where is hope serving you and your life and where isn’t it? When has it served you and what hasn’t it? And is it something you want to feel into a bit more of an active place in your life rather than hoping and hoping? Is it supporting you in slowing down the process of your emotions coming through or realizing the depth of a certain situation you’re in? Does hope help you titrate it so that you don’t feel it all come crashing down, right now? Do you mean something different when you say the word hope? And just a gentle reminder to not use this as a way to criticize yourself or to be harsh, but to just let this be a curious exploration of the energy of hope and being hopeless.

Candice Wu 19:38

So, of course, there’s a part of me that wants to say, “I hope that this is an interesting podcast for you or I hope that somehow this is helpful for you.” And I’m reexamining what I might even say in this moment about that, but as a feel my energy a little bit deeper into my body, into my hips and legs, what I feel is the I’m grateful if you’re listening and appreciate all the feedback that I get questions and experiences in response to the things I share. Thank you for all of those and thank you for listening.

Candice Wu 20:14

If you have a differing opinion or want to debate this, offer different ideas, things that resonate with you, I’d love to hear from you. You can email me at embody@candicewu.com. You can also find me in the Embody Community at CandiceWu.com/embody.

Candice Wu 20:34

So, stay tuned for more a{Live} now episodes. There is a lot of energy moving through me, a lot of explorations that I want to share with you. So, take care and see you next time on the Embody Podcast.

Candice Wu 0:00

Hello and welcome to the Embody Podcast. This is Candice Wu. And today I have the fabulous honor of interviewing a friend and colleague of mine, Brent Garcia.

Candice Wu 0:12

Brent is an elite body mechanic and he came to the traditional East Asian medicine and Bodywork tradition because he needed relief from an old Achilles tendon injury. And after receiving Acupuncture and massage treatments, he was able to function at a much higher level than he had for the previous 10 years. And that motivated him to study East traditional healing arts including Acupuncture, herbal medicine, Asian Bodywork, and Tai Chi, as well as Reiki.

Candice Wu 0:42

In this conversation, Brent and I talked about reintroducing presence into daily life, the dance of the healer and the inner healer, in a client or patient, Western medicine and traditional Eastern medicine working in tandem, as well as the experience of being a man admitting pain and asking for help, the courage to see your own shame and name it and how he has changed his entire life and transformed in his 40s.

Candice Wu 1:08

When I have gone to see Brent for treatments, as the Licensed Acupuncturist and Reiki practitioner, I’ve left feeling completely renewed and restored. Even just being in his energy is healing because he has such a firm yet gentle approach that just makes me feel like I’m completely supported with non-judgment, and I’m held in a healing space.

Candice Wu 1:32

Brent in 2015, graduated from the Pacific College of Oriental Medicine in Chicago, with a Masters of Science in Traditional Oriental Medicine. And he received his massage training from Pacific College as well.

Candice Wu 1:46

So now, as a licensed practitioner, he continues to study anything that will help him be better and more effective as a healer for his clients. And I witnessed that firsthand.

Candice Wu 1:55

So I’m thrilled to have Brent on the show today, we have such a lovely dynamic, when we talk, we motivate each other. We support each other in our practices and keep each other in check as far as supporting ourselves.

Candice Wu 2:08

You can find out more information about Brent at the end of this episode, as well as on the show notes at CandiceWu.com/podcast.

Candice Wu 2:16

And before we jump into the conversation with Brent, I want to mention today that this episode is brought to you by donations from my listeners. Thank you so much!

Candice Wu 2:27

I recently started a Patreon page as I’ve received many offerings of support so that people can continue to be part of this community, to give me feedback, and to receive some lovely gifts from me through the Patreon page.

Candice Wu 2:41

I’ve designed some personalized healing meditations for those who want to donate monthly. And even a one-time donation or as little as $1 a month would continue to nourish the Embody Podcast to continue to have a life and cover the costs of the production.

Candice Wu 2:59

If the Embody Podcast inspired you, helped or spoken to you in some way, it would mean the world to me if you would show your support through just a small donation. And you can find that on my page at CandiceWu.com/patreon. Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart!

Candice Wu 3:16

And without further ado, let’s jump into our conversation with Brent.

Candice Wu 3:21

I am really happy to be here with my friend and Acupuncturist, Brent Garcia. He also is a Traditional Asian medicine practitioner and Massage Therapist. And, the thing I love about him the most is that he can hold lightness and darkness, he can hold the hard stuff, the challenging stuff, the gritty, the nitty-gritty, and also play and be light, and have fun and connect the two. And he has often helped me do that in myself.

Candice Wu 3:56

This beautiful balance of masculine and feminine in his personality and in his practice. I am thrilled to have you here today, Brent.

Brent Garcia 4:05

I am thrilled to be here. Thanks so much, Candice.

Candice Wu 4:10

So, because I keep messing up exactly what you do. Would you share with everyone, from your perspective what you do?

Brent Garcia 4:19

That’s a great question. I practice Acupuncture. And I’m also a Myofascial Trigger Point Therapist, and I’m also a Licensed Massage Therapist. And I also integrate Thai Bodywork on the table into my work. And on occasion, I’m a Reiki Master practitioner. So, I’ll include that if a client wants that. So basically, what I do is help people without putting them in a box. In other words, like I’m a mechanic, they come to me and say, “Hey, Brent, here’s what I’m dealing with.” And I pull out the appropriate tool to help them.

Brent Garcia 5:06

So some of my treatments, have both Acupuncture and Bodywork. Some are just Bodywork, and some are only Acupuncture. So, I really try my best to help meet the person, wherever they are, with whatever modality is going to fit them best.

Candice Wu 5:26

You have such a beautiful concoction of modalities. And I love the way you put it that you’re a mechanic. It’s so accessible.

Brent Garcia 5:34

Yeah. Which, to be honest, is what I try to do. I try to not make what I do in the medicine that I practice, I try to not make it some crazy big idea. I try to make it accessible and real so that when people come to receive a treatment, they are met right where they are. And I get to be with them and help them without trying to talk down to them or be over them in any way. I really focus on that in myself and in my practice. So yeah, that’s a great choice of words there.

Candice Wu 6:11

Yeah. And earlier, you and I were just talking and chatting. And you mentioned that you were starting to reintroduce presence. And that feels like what you’re talking about here what you do with your clients.

Brent Garcia 6:22

Yeah, in a very real way. Sometimes, just being focused on someone, purely, solely focused on someone, and blocking out any other distractions, can be healing in and of itself. So from the moment I’m meeting a client, whether it’s a new client or a returning one, I try my best. I’m not perfect, but I try my best, when I meet them to be 100% focused on them. Because I believe that starts the process.

Candice Wu 6:22

I am so with you on that. For me, it’s a process of feeling that my presence is completely there. And it’s enough, at least for me, it may not be enough for them. But that I know, I’m enough in myself, that seems to work wonder, it’s like simple.

Brent Garcia 6:43

It’s simple. And in my opinion, that’s all we can do as practitioners and healers.

Candice Wu 6:50

It’s so humble too, what you’re saying.

Brent Garcia 6:55

Exactly. This entire medicine and my entire practice is an experience in humbling myself, you know, in a very real but and very authentic and powerful way. It’s humbling in a powerful way not like degrading, it’s, yeah, this is a humbling, very humbling line of work I chose.

Candice Wu 7:02

Yes, it is. And speaking of your choice, how did you get here as an Acupuncturist plus all the other modalities that you use? And also just how did you get here as you, as who you are today?

Brent Garcia 7:10

Okay great. Yeah, I’ll answer like how I got turned on to Acupuncture, was it’s how I quit smoking. I was a packet A cigarette smoker for a while. I can’t remember now exact years, but, I smoked a pack a day. And, I was at the point where it was starting to get annoying. I was starting to notice my clothing was smelling to where I noticed it. And if I notice it on myself then other people absolutely notice it.

Brent Garcia 7:23

The seeds were starting to be planted for me to be done with being a smoker. And I used to be a real estate broker. And in the middle of February, when there is about half a foot of snow on the ground, and I was in the teens, I was waiting for a showing. And it was so cold and windy outside that I had to keep switching the gloved hand and smoking with the non-gloved hand. So, I keep switching and I literally said out loud, “This is stupid!” Literally. I was on the corner of Lincoln and Kenmore in Lincoln Park in Chicago, and I threw the cigarette down and on the ground — which, yeah, I know it’s littering but whatever — and I looked across the street and there was a sign in the office that said, “Acupuncture for Smoking Cessation.”

Candice Wu 7:50

You’re kidding!

Brent Garcia 7:50

I can’t make this up. I really can’t. And so, I walked across the street and I walked in and said, “I want that.”

Brent Garcia 7:56

And I got set up. It took me seven treatments. And that was over 10 years ago.

Candice Wu 8:00

Wow!

Brent Garcia 8:00

So that’s what put Acupuncture on my radar. How did I actually decide to study the medicine was, I was in a course. And I’ve heard this before. You know, I’m 46 years old. So like, over, maybe over 20 years ago, I think I first heard this concept from Tony Robbins. But I don’t even know if he made this up. But it’s the old rocking chair test, right?

Brent Garcia 8:13

You’re eighty years old, you’re on your porch, you’re in your rocking chair, you’re enjoying the evening, and you’re looking back on your life.

Brent Garcia 8:18

Are you doing what you would be proud of when you’re eight years old? And in September of 2009 that I heard that, and the clear as a bell answer was, “No”. And I needed something else.

Brent Garcia 8:26

So I went to an open house at the Pacific College of Oriental Medicine here in Chicago. I went to an open house for a massage. I was like, “Oh, I’ll just become a Massage Therapist.

Candice Wu 8:31

Ah, yeah.

Brent Garcia 8:31

I can sell real estate and I can be a Massage Therapist and kind of integrate that. That would be a way to slowly transition out of being a real estate broker. And it was a two-hour open house. We showed up. Sar O’Bannon ran it. She is a phenomenal Shiatsu practitioner here in Chicago-Land, we practiced, we talked about the massage school. And then, one of the admissions fellows came in and said, “You know, I know you’re here for a massage, but this is also an Acupuncture school. So I’m going to give you five minutes of the Acupuncture part. And in that five minutes, I was like, ”That is what I want to do.”

Brent Garcia 8:49

And so I enrolled in January of 2010 and started studying.

Candice Wu 8:53

And you’ve practiced and studied the Japanese version. Is that right?

Brent Garcia 8:55

Yes, I started to integrate Japanese Acupuncture after graduation. I really like it.

Candice Wu 8:57

What makes it so interesting for you? Or what do you like about it?

Brent Garcia 8:59

For me, it’s a dance. It’s traditional TCM, Traditional Chinese Medicine as packaged. And as taught in many of the schools, is kind of a prescriptive thing, you come in with a headache, I try to figure out the pattern that caused you to have a headache. And then with that pattern, there’s a prescription that you do. Just insert the needles in those points, and go about your business.

Brent Garcia 9:12

Japanese Acupuncture does a lot more in my view with palpation and with a kind of real-time response from the patient. So, I will do some very, by the way, Japanese Acupuncture tends to be thinner needles and shallower insertion, I’m really generalizing here, but you get the idea.

Brent Garcia 9:22

And so I will try to, I will take the pulses on the forearms by the wrist, and decide which organ system needs to be boosted up or tonified. Do a couple of points while holding the needle and then recheck the pulses, and see if a change was made.

Brent Garcia 9:33

Also, I use a little bit of abdominal palpation with it. And oftentimes, on the table, I can get a change in the abdomen, just with one or two needles.

Brent Garcia 9:37

So, I get instant feedback on how the treatments going. And patients get instant feedback for themselves like, “Oh, wow, I do feel different. When you press that point in my abdomen, it was really painful, like an eight out of 10. Now it’s like a 4 out of 10.”

Candice Wu 9:53

Yeah.

Brent Garcia 9:53

So, I like that it’s a dance. It’s constantly re-checking in with the patient, and not using a prescription per se. It’s really just, “Where do I need to go now? What do I need to balance now?”

Candice Wu 9:57

I love that. And I find that your work is so gentle but powerful in that way that you’re describing. Because you’re doing that dance and because you’re listening and seeing and feeling with your patient.

Brent Garcia 10:01

That’s what I try to do.

Candice Wu 10:01

Yeah, where do you see the limits of your work in terms of — I don’t know if this is specifically for you or maybe for Acupuncture, in general. But I think that’s a question that people often ask is, “Where’s the threshold? What can Acupuncture support? And where is it that I go to my MD?”

Brent Garcia 14:33

Those are the many-layered answers like you’d mentioned, I try to hold the space for both the light and the dark, your words. And we could kind of change the words a little bit and say: I like to hold the space between a western and an eastern mind. I try to hold the space to see what can be done with Acupuncture.

Brent Garcia 14:50

And also, by the way, how’s your vitamin D intake or how is your magnesium intake or supplementing that way.

Brent Garcia 14:58

I’m all for imaging, like X-Rays, CAT scans, MRIs, because I think that the patients that I treat, need that. And I feel better about what I do when they have that.

Brent Garcia 15:11

So, I have told people point-blank, you need to go see your MD. If there’s something that’s not being affected or not being changed by the treatment, or if there’s a certain sign that or symptom that that comes into the office, and it’s like, we need you to go, see somebody about that.

Brent Garcia 15:30

Let me give you an example.

Brent Garcia 15:32

A woman that came in with kind of a blister on her middle finger knuckle on the back of her hand. And she was coming in for treatment to get, to be honest, I can’t remember what she came in. But it wasn’t for that. And she’s like, “You know, since I’m here, let me show you this.” And she showed it to me and a medical doctor who also practices Acupuncture. And both of us kind of were concerned. By the look of it, it didn’t look like it was just something that you would get. It almost looked like a spider bite.

Brent Garcia 16:08

And so both of us were like, “You don’t need treatment right now. You need to go to the emergency room and get that checked out.”

Candice Wu 16:13

Yeah.

Brent Garcia 16:13

She did. It was not anything particularly serious. But it could have been. And based on the conversation I had with the doctor after she had gone to the ER after the patient had gone to the emergency room. I was like, you know, that could have been, you know, a Fascial Necrosis, or some sort of literally, some sort of spider bite where venom continues to travel up the arm over a period of minutes. And it’s serious. So, did I answer your question?

Candice Wu 16:37

Yeah, I think so. I think you’re saying, which makes sense. It’s case by case.

Brent Garcia 16:42

Yes.

Candice Wu 16:42

And you have no problem about just saying, “Go to your MD” and also that it’s complimentary, and that maybe the best. Well, it’s quite nice when people are going to both. In that way, there’s this dance of everyone and what a person might need.

Brent Garcia 16:59

Absolutely. There, there are times when you need Western medicine, and there, in my opinion, are times when you need, for lack of a better term, Eastern medicine. And if you have a serious medical emergency, you need to see a Western doc. And if you aren’t sleeping well, you probably need to come to see a practitioner like myself, because we have better methods for sleep that are more gentle and more lasting, in my opinion, than just prescribing a drug for it. So it’s really finding what each modality does well. And then —

Candice Wu 17:35

Yeah.

Brent Garcia 17:35

Using that for the best safety of the patient.

Candice Wu 17:39

And that makes complete sense. I want to switch gears a little and you haven’t mentioned working with men, yet. And I know that that’s a big part of your soul. Can you talk more about that?

Brent Garcia 17:50

I think in general, our society is set up to not allow men to be vulnerable in pain, and not at their best. And it’s looked upon in our society as a weakness to admit that. You know, I’m speaking — by the way, Candice, I’m speaking 100% in general, but I think it lays the foundation for what I’m about, and what my beliefs are, and what my standard is. But our society isn’t set up to allow men to admit weakness. And I have suffered from that, personally. I think that’s why this touches my heart so much. I think this is why this goes so deep is because I have suffered from that myself.

Brent Garcia 18:29

I’ve tried to squash feelings and squash pain with drugs and alcohol. I’ve tried to isolate myself. I’ve, you know, I used to be, I used to eat a pint of ice cream a night for years. And the last thing I ever wanted to do was to ask for help and to admit to other people that I needed help, and that I wasn’t feeling good. And then I didn’t know how to get out of the rut I was in.

Brent Garcia 19:00

And where that really started to strike me was that I wouldn’t — So, when I finally got a little bit of willingness to ask for help, it would be from women. And there’s nothing wrong with that. But I want to be a resource for men to come to, to have safety, to have openness, to be able to be vulnerable in their whatever they’re dealing with. Because I think it’s a needed thing in our society. And I think that not only do men benefit that from that, but women benefit from having men be that way.

Candice Wu 19:34

Absolutely. Because of the balance of what men feel. They’re allowed to say, do, and experience. That doesn’t really benefit women at all, and, or other genders that I’m not naming but it’s for the benefit of everybody that, that openness and permission is there because it’s human.

Brent Garcia 19:52

Yes.

Candice Wu 19:53

So have you found a man to ask help from? If I’m getting you right? Okay. Yes.

Brent Garcia 19:58

Yeah.

Candice Wu 19:58

Who has been your mentor or someone that you’ve been able to receive that sort of support from?

Brent Garcia 20:06

Yeah, it’s a great question. And based on agreement, I have to keep their anonymity but I can tell you that I have a really good friend in New Mexico, a really good friend in Colorado, actually two, really good friends in Colorado. And also I am part of a men’s mastery call which we get on — there are six men across the nation that are — we get on a call twice a month, and share, hold each other accountable, keep the hold of the space for other people, for other men to share the yuck of what the yuckiness of what’s going on in their lives. So, I have been blessed in finding that, and it’s made an enormous difference in my life.

Candice Wu 20:54

And that’s huge.

Brent Garcia 20:56

Yeah.

Candice Wu 20:57

What do you feel is, or has been the challenge in being vulnerable or opening up or sharing what you’re feeling?

Brent Garcia 21:04

For me, it’s, I think it’s because of what I said in that, it is not socially accepted. And I have, like, I mentioned sometime earlier on this call, I am certainly not perfect, and nor do I claim to be. And so I still struggle with that unwillingness to show who I really am. Because I don’t want to be ridiculed. And I don’t want to be put down. And I don’t want to be shown as weak. So, it’s a very real struggle that’s there. The good news is I’m conscious of it. And I’m aware of it, and I am in conversations with other men about that. But yeah, it still is there for me.

Brent Garcia 21:45

The other thing I would add to this is on the flip side, the alternative is puffery or machismo, or, you know, striding, like physically, when physically walking is actually striding. And I don’t find that to be authentic either. So the unwillingness to be vulnerable, in my opinion, is inauthentic, as is the puffery. So like, all things, the middle way, the middle ground is where the action is, the middle ground is where the juices, and I do my best to get that message to men.

Candice Wu 22:17

And it sounds like part of the message is the middle ground of being in your emotions, being in your experience openly, and feeling strong because of it within it. Even if you’re in tears, even if you’re breaking down. I’m just getting that from you, from who you are. But it sounds like that’s also what you’re saying.

Brent Garcia 22:37

Yeah, in a very real way.

Candice Wu 22:39

So I’m curious with all the work that you do for the community and for your patience. I know that you do your own work, as you’ve said already, but I’m curious what really makes you feel alive for yourself. What restores you?

Brent Garcia 22:56

Two things come to mind as far as restoring me, which I guess in effect makes me feel alive.

Brent Garcia 23:01

I have really taken on being a good sleeper. It’s really, but it’s very profound. I’ve taken on being a good sleeper for the longest time I would, I was a night owl, you know, I drank a lot of alcohol, I did a lot of drugs, you know, it’s going back years now, like over 10 years now. But, I used to stay up till three, stay up till four, and then go to work night after night after night. And there was, of course, the effects of drugs and alcohol that made me less than optimal. But, my sleep quality was just in the toilet.

Brent Garcia 23:38

So ever since I started focusing more on my sleep, which is really as simple as getting into bed, trying it now again, there’s no, I’m not perfect, but like trying to get to bed by 11 o’clock at the latest and at least lying down and reading and then waking up in a natural hour to the best of my ability, that has helped restore me so that when I’m walking through life, when I’m at my practice, when I’m at the gym, when I’m talking with people, when I’m being part of the community, I’m alive.

Brent Garcia 24:13

The other thing has happened relatively recently is, I kind of really jumped into strength training about four years ago. And, you know, I was a soccer player in college. And, you know, as I said, I’m 46. So when I played soccer in college, it was the early to mid–90s. And back then, we were actually actively told not to strength train, because you would “become unflexible”, which, now, if you look at any professional soccer player, they absolutely strength train, every single one of them.

Brent Garcia 24:45

But, I looked down upon strength train, I just thought they’re a bunch of meatheads. And then, I started working in a gym. Treating people, you know, I would do massage at first and then when I became Acupuncturist, I would also treat them with Acupuncture. But I also started doing a little bit of personal training and started to teach some classes, some strength training classes, and I started training myself and I’m talking like, you know, barbell dumbbell training. And that is, I didn’t realize how many benefits I would get from strength training. Just physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, it was just amazing.

Brent Garcia 25:23

Let me tell you a quick story.

Candice Wu 25:24

Please.

Brent Garcia 25:25

This was going when I first started training, I was probably about four years ago. I was in a strength training class, and I was really, really, really angry and hurt before the class. To be honest, I can’t remember why. But I was just out of sorts. And I had the thought, I’ll just go to the gym and just be in my own little world in this class of like 10 other guys. I’ll just, you know, focus, this will be perfect, I’ll just stay in my anger. And I’ll just ignore everyone else.

Brent Garcia 25:56

And when I did that, I almost got run over by a Prowler and I almost dropped the weight on my head, because someone was walking by and I wasn’t paying attention.

Candice Wu 26:05

Oh, my goodness!

Brent Garcia 26:07

And I got really clear that: “Hey, Brent, when you strength train, you have to be present. You can’t be thinking about patients, you can’t be thinking about your dog or your cat or the crappy thing that happened on the way to the gym, or the thing you have to do when you leave the gym, you have to be present at the gym with every single rep. Otherwise, you could get really hurt.”

Brent Garcia 26:36

And it’s awesome. That’s awesome. That was something I didn’t expect strength training was going to provide. It’s amazing.

Candice Wu 26:43

That’s a really powerful story.

Brent Garcia 26:45

My Achilles tendon was very happy. At the last second, jumped out of the way because there was a little sled foot that was going right at my Achilles tendon.

Candice Wu 26:51

Oh, my goodness.

Brent Garcia 26:52

Yeah.

Candice Wu 26:54

The literally hard lessons.

Brent Garcia 26:58

So strength training restores me.

Candice Wu 27:00

So I’m curious, what has been most on your mind or your heart lately?

Brent Garcia 27:06

I am at the age where, when I double my age, that doubles to 92.

Brent Garcia 27:11

So lately, I’ve become very aware of the fact that at least according to our current actuarial tables, right? At least according to statistics, I am well over, not well over, but I am over halfway in my life, provided nothing happens, right?

Brent Garcia 27:30

If I die a natural, actuarial table life, I’m over halfway. And what I’ve been aware of is, I haven’t been really producing what I know I’m capable of, as far as material things, I guess you’d say.

Brent Garcia 27:45

You know, I had mentioned earlier that, you know, I still struggle with a friend and a mentor who called it toxic comparison. You know, not just comparing myself to someone, but every time I compare myself to someone I come up short, and it’s like a toxic ooze that just kind of takes over my thinking.

Candice Wu 28:02

Yeah, I know that one.

Brent Garcia 28:02

So I have become aware that as much as I’ve try to be present, as much as I try to be the best version of myself, as much as I try to exude everything that I am to the best of my ability, it oftentimes, in my brain, I still come up short, and have been for a long period of time. Especially when I get into that toxic comparison with my peers.

Candice Wu 28:28

Yeah, that can be the hardest, at times like to see who’s around you. And to make that comparison, when our journeys are completely different.

Brent Garcia 28:37

Completely. And I, you know, when I’m aware of that fact, I realized that I had free will. And I had a choice, but like, this is my path. I’m walking my path, and it looks this way because it’s mine. And your path looks your way because it’s yours. And, everyone else’s path looks their ways, because it’s theirs, you know?

Candice Wu 29:00

Absolutely. I mean, I get the same way. It’s like looking at what people have done, and what maybe they receive. I can start to feel like I should be doing that. Or, why aren’t I? And then, if I actually go back into myself, there’s a way that I tell myself, keep your head down in a good way, for me. Don’t do that looking out. Because it’s always taking me the wrong direction. And when I go back inward —

Brent Garcia 29:24

Yeah. So when you say: “Keep your head down”, you mean go back inward?

Candice Wu 29:28

I do. I mean, take my eyes off of what’s out there, around me and turn it inward, into my heart, into my soul and work with the feeling that comes up. It usually for me, it’s like, “I’m not enough, I don’t have enough or I am not enough,” then just checking in with what I need to do with that. What do I need for that? And then what do I need to do for me and in my soul? Like, what is my soul telling me? The next step is in my life or what to do? Because it’s probably not, “Go make that program just like that person did and go for it!” Because it’s just never that.

Brent Garcia 30:01

It’s not. I totally identify with everything you said, and I’ve experienced that. You know, just to kind of extend with that. For me, what helps is, sometimes, if, like, I have to use your words, like put my head down, I have to go inward, and I have to check out with what’s really going on. But what’s been so valuable in having that be the seed of something greater, in something authentic for me and most importantly, like growth, is I have to bring it to other people and check in with them and like, “Yo, this is what’s going on. This is where I’m at.”

Brent Garcia 30:39

And that is, going back to what I said earlier that, that is what I never did. When I was younger all the way to maybe even like my late 20s, early 30s is, I thought I had to do it all myself. I thought I had to do it all alone. I had to figure it out. And if I didn’t figure it out, that meant I wasn’t enough. So when I get caught in that, it’s so valuable to go in. And I think it’s a vital step to go inward and to feel that and to check that out and to get it. And, I then have to bring it to other people. Bring it to people who have the capacity and the willingness, most importantly, to listen and provide feedback and provide response and guide and whatever.

Brent Garcia 31:23

Have you found that?

Candice Wu 31:24

Absolutely. I think that I’ve been in my life, somebody that has had strong friendship connections. I’m so grateful for that across my life. And so I’m used to, you know, maybe it’s also a genderized thing, right? But, I am quite used to being able to reach out to my friends.

Candice Wu 31:44

What you’re speaking to, that was a challenge for me, was to reach out to my colleagues, is to be vulnerable enough to share with my colleagues that this is going on or that I’m insecure or anxious about whatever it is, versus my friends because it’s great. I know my friends are in my corner. And I can do that. And they were supportive, and we go deeper with each other. But to do it with my colleagues felt much scarier. It was like, I’m actually going to expose parts of me that I didn’t want to. I don’t want anyone to see. And yet I’m sure they can all see it. Especially because most of my colleagues are therapists. How was I going to hide that? Come on.

Brent Garcia 32:24

You’re the last to know. Everyone around is like, “Yeah.”

Candice Wu 32:28

Obviously.

Brent Garcia 32:30

I’m glad you finally admitted that to yourself. That’s really good for you.

Candice Wu 32:33

I know. So yeah, it’s so hard for us to be vulnerable. And I guess, I can’t speak for everybody, but it has been for me. And yeah, I completely resonate with that reaching out, being important, and being able to receive than what’s there and debunking the idea that something’s going to happen that’s scary. Because every time I did that, it was, I guess, it’s probably a 99% of the time, it was met up with compassion or support, and help. And I grew from it. So the bad and scary things didn’t happen.

Brent Garcia 33:13

Yes. And this is a perfect time to bring it up, in my opinion, because this goes back to an earlier question about like, how did I get here? Like, how did I become an Acupuncturist? Yes, but how did I also get here?

Brent Garcia 33:25

For seven years, I was part of a process group. We met weekly for two and a half hours, and there were anywhere, you know, there was some fluctuation. So there was it was anywhere from like, three other people to maybe four or five or six other people. And it was moderated by a really awesome mentor of mine in a very real way. And we got an opportunity to check-in, which is, you know, where it kind of equals group therapy, except all the other participants when we were done checking in, all the other participants got an opportunity to respond.

Brent Garcia 34:04

And I remember when I went to a therapist, this therapist and I went to her for like, three sessions. And each time, she had said, “I really think that you should join the group.”

Brent Garcia 34:13

And, when she first described the group I was terrified of they get to respond to the filth that I’m thinking about myself or the bad things that I’m thinking about, they get to respond.

Brent Garcia 34:28

And, I have to tell you, seven, you know, it was 10 years ago, 7 years in that group and then I’ve seen the therapist off and on for the last three year. That work has been so powerful, because from the moment you walk in for the very first time, you are being vulnerable, just by being there, and then to have others respond, and to have that space for me to bring whatever is going on in the moment. You know, that was the beauty of, is that, in the moment, there were things that would come up, anger or shame or fear, or well, it’s always shame, but like anger, fear, or joy, or whatever. And there was an opportunity to share that and to have a response from the other participants, and from the facilitator made a huge difference in my life.

Brent Garcia 35:20

I am unrecognizable from 10 years ago, because of many things. And that’s one big thing.

Candice Wu 35:26

That’s incredible. What kind of feedback did you get or response did you get that has stuck with you?

Brent Garcia 35:33

I’ll answer that. Before I answer that in that group. And that process work, there is a distinction between response and feedback and advice, feedback and advice are like, this is what you know, I heard what you’re saying you should do this, the response was often what I was experiencing.

Brent Garcia 35:47

So, if we were in the group together, you would check in about whatever you want to check in about. And then my response would be what my process was what’s going on for me, of course, it’s going to have some overlap, and it’s going to touch on what you said. But the value was the response of what I’m feeling in the moment. And what I’m experiencing at the moment.

Candice Wu 36:14

It’s such a shift of gears, right? To be able to say, I feel this when you say, when you’re talking about this, I’m feeling -. And, we’re so used to doing something different.

Brent Garcia 36:25

Yep.

Candice Wu 36:26

Skipping ahead or not talking about our own reaction.

Brent Garcia 36:29

Yup, exactly. Talking about the other person not talking about what’s going on with me, we’re not set up to do that.

Candice Wu 36:36

And that’s like the primary thing of relating.

Brent Garcia 36:39

I need to pause for a second to just really get the impact of what you just said, Yes. That is foundational to relating to people.

Candice Wu 36:47

And I’m saying that precisely, even for myself, because I always have to remind myself to go back to how am I feeling, when someone’s saying that and not focusing it completely on them, in a way that’s almost icky, I guess. I don’t have the words to describe it. But even with my clients, to know what I’m feeling, whether or not to express it but to stay with that and relate to what they’re saying instead of something else.

Brent Garcia 40:16

Exactly. And to wrap into the other question, like what kind of response stuck with me? I mean, you know, as you can imagine, weekly for seven years, I got a lot of response. And I had a lot of response. But I think one of the main things was the concept and the disease pattern around shame and how pervasive that is. And how untalked about it is in general society, although it is being talked about more, I would say in the last five or six years.

Brent Garcia 40:53

I’ve heard a lot of TED Talks and etc, of dealing with and addressing shame as one of the foundational, maybe even the foundational piece that we deal with as human beings, and the hiding of that shame.

Candice Wu 41:10

Shame over shame.

Brent Garcia 41:11

That’s another common thread, is I would so often say, you know, “I’m experiencing a massive shame hit right now. And, I’m feeling a lot of shame that I feel ashamed. The only phrase that comes to mind is double whammy, like a double whammy. Did you get hit twice? It’s like a one-two punch.

Candice Wu 41:33

Well, and to be able to break through that, to speak to it, sounds like it took a lot of courage. And at least I know, for me, it can take a lot.

Brent Garcia 41:43

It does. And my willingness to be courageous in that arena and others is my capacity to do that is way higher now. Because of this work, and you know, tons of other things that I’ve done, my searching path has led me down many different roads, it’s been really awesome.

Candice Wu 42:03

I’m so glad.

Candice Wu 42:04

I feel this whole world just opened up in me when you were talking about shame as a disease pattern. And I started thinking about in Somatic Experiencing how the physiology of shame is spoken about. And it’s the same physiology like the way the body is experienced what’s happening in the body as defeat, head down. I didn’t, I couldn’t do it.

Candice Wu 42:30

And most of the time, instinctually, the “I couldn’t do it” is about something, a time when they may have needed to protect themselves, or speak to something. And we may not know when that time was at this point, because it lives in us and accumulates.

Candice Wu 42:51

And in my work, it accumulates over the ancestry as well. So it can just be like, maybe quadruple whammy times 10. I don’t know. But what I got excited about Brent was the disease pattern of shame and in your specific modalities, how you see that in the body. And what you notice happens or what meridians are shutting down? That’s my words. I don’t know if you would use that. But what do you see there?

Brent Garcia 43:26

I think it’s more of an intuitive process in that when it’s happening on the table, I think that’s one of my gifts.

Brent Garcia 43:34

My gift is the ability to be with someone else’s shame and to not judge it. And it doesn’t live like, “Oh, that’s the — you know that is showing up in the kidney meridian.”

Brent Garcia 43:48

For me, it’s the whole person at that moment, is experiencing it. And through the grace that I received from whatever path I walked down to get to this moment, and the work that I have done around shame and the mentors and guides that I’ve had around that sort of work, that separates me.

Brent Garcia 44:15

I think it’s my ability to be with their shame, that allows them to feel comfortable and safe, and to do whatever healing process they need to do. And it doesn’t, you know, in my experience that doesn’t live as, I don’t particularly look at it like as a meridian problem or something in the channels that need to be shunned or tonified or dredged or moved, or whatever. It’s really just holding the space for them to be exactly who they are to. For them to be the light and the dark. And for me to be able to continue to do the work that allows them to heal themselves.

Candice Wu 45:02

So you and I do the exact same thing, but you just have needles.

Brent Garcia 45:07

Yup.

Candice Wu 45:07

Because I almost felt like when you said, “I don’t look at it like the kidney meridian.” I almost felt like thank goodness, thank you. Because I feel that when I work with you, when I’m receiving Acupuncture from you, and working with that with you, wow.

Brent Garcia 45:25

Yeah.

Candice Wu 45:25

So I want to change, shift gears again.

Brent Garcia 45:29

Sure.

Candice Wu 45:29

And go for a little lightning round, a little fun here. I’m just going to ask a couple of questions. And whatever comes to mind or heart, feel free to share what’s right for you.

Brent Garcia 45:41

Will do. And I do need to say that this whole thing has been fun. So this is just fun. Fun, it’s, yeah, got it. Okay, I’m ready.

Candice Wu 45:53

I’ve had so much fun already. And I’ve also felt very humbled by everything you’ve shared about yourself and the work you do and how you see life. So thank you.

Brent Garcia 46:05

You’re welcome. Thanks for creating the space. You’re welcome.

Candice Wu 46:10

Okay, here we go. What is the strangest dream you’ve ever had?

Brent Garcia 46:15

I was crawling out of a cave that had that moss all over. It was sunlight. So it was like, it wasn’t a pure cave. And there were spiders, these white spiders everywhere. And I had absolutely no fear. It was more just like a kind of spirit.

Candice Wu 46:38

Oh, wow. And just as an extension, if you could ask your dream or if you were to ask your dream, a question. What would you ask your dream now?

Brent Garcia 46:49

What am I missing that would allow me to accept who and where and what I am right now?

Candice Wu 46:57

That’s deep. Yeah.

Brent Garcia 47:00

I don’t know. I don’t know how to go any.

Candice Wu 47:05

You know, I love that stuff. That’s like where my whole body is like excited right now.

Brent Garcia 47:13

I just, for some reason, like Bill Murray just came to mind. I don’t even know like why that’s there, but that’s a little insight into my brain is Bill Murray.

Brent Garcia 47:24

Yeah.

Candice Wu 47:24

Yeah.

Candice Wu 47:27

Well, and I am curious what your dream would say?

Brent Garcia 47:29

Yeah. Me too.

Candice Wu 47:30

Maybe that’s not the question for now. But for you. Yeah.

Brent Garcia 47:33

Yeah. I’ll have to get back to that, I to know.

Candice Wu 47:35

Yeah, please.

Candice Wu 47:37

What do you bring with you everywhere you go.

Brent Garcia 47:40

My guide tube. It’s the silver guide tube that I use sometimes with, for my needles. It’s, you know, oftentimes there are plastic guide tubes that come with a pack of needles in Japanese. You use a kind of like a, either silver or some other non-reactive metal as your guide tube. And I tend to carry that with me everywhere.

Candice Wu 48:05

Yes, I’ve seen that. It’s really nice.

Candice Wu 48:08

Okay, so you’re a good sleeper now. Most days it sounds, but if you didn’t have to sleep, what would you do with the extra time?

Brent Garcia 48:16

I’d read.

Candice Wu 48:18

What would you read?

Brent Garcia 48:19

I’d read two things. Well, it’s really two sets of things, which is really just an extension of what I read now. Three things.

Brent Garcia 48:27

The first thing is any sort of my East Asian medicine books and any new books that I have on order. I love reading books, and the ones that are at mind right now are the War of Art and Turning Pro by Steven Pressfield.

Candice Wu 48:47

Oh, yes.

Brent Garcia 48:48

Yeah. And books like that. You know, I love picking up Eckhart Tolle. In fact, I picked up New Earth the last couple of days, including this morning and just the wisdom.

Candice Wu 49:02

There’s so much —

Brent Garcia 49:03

How to live. Yeah, it’s —

Candice Wu 49:04

Yeah.

Brent Garcia 49:06

Every time I pick it up, it’s — I cannot believe. Like, I have the passage underlined. And I still have no recollection of ever reading it because it’s so present and so, what’s the word where it’s helpful right now? It’s so timely to wherever I’m at.

Candice Wu 49:29

It’s like it speaks over and over again.

Brent Garcia 49:33

Correct, right.

Candice Wu 49:34

You know, that’s a really great description of that, I have that exact experience. I think with that book, but also with other books that where you read it, and it’s like, “Oh, that’s fresh and exactly relevant now. Did I read that before? I thought I did.”

Brent Garcia 49:50

I must have because that’s my handwriting. But, I don’t remember.

Candice Wu 49:56

Right.

Brent Garcia 49:57

And then the third type of books I love, like R.A Salvatore fantasy novels and my wife just bought for my birthday, bought me three Ed McBain, like pulp fiction novels. They’re like 87th precinct and hard-boiled detectives, like I love that stuff, too. So like, Pulp Fiction.

Candice Wu 50:21

Oh, yeah. That’s great. Okay, here’s possibly the last question. What is a controversial opinion you have?

Brent Garcia 50:32

That there actually are stupid questions. Like, I personally do not believe there are no stupid questions. I do believe there are stupid questions.

Candice Wu 50:46

Tell me more. Because I feel that actually now that you’re saying.

Brent Garcia 50:51

It stems from a couple of things. One, it stems from, for a brief period of time I taught High School Chemistry. And my wife, who used to teach High School English for 10 years, and I have had this conversation where there will, you know, once you’re getting to High School, these kids are savvy, and they asked questions, just to mess with the class. And they ask questions just to waste time, sometimes not all the time. But like, there will be that, you know, the stereotypical class clown who will ask questions, and like, that’s a stupid question.

Candice Wu 51:28

Oh, I know that very well. I know that so well. Yes.

Brent Garcia 51:33

You’re not actually forwarding or actually authentically, inquiring into something. You’re just trying to mess with me. Which is cool. I respect that. But it’s a stupid question.

Candice Wu 51:45

When a question is actually a manipulation, or when it’s meant to do something else?

Brent Garcia 51:50

Yes. And you know, every class I’ve ever been in, every seminar I’ve ever taken, it’s all in on any sort of CEU credits. Okay. There are no stupid questions. You know, and they always throw in if you have this question. Someone else probably does, too. So, ask your dumb question.

Candice Wu 52:09

Great. If you want to manipulate the class, and they kind of wreck it, somebody else wants to too.

Brent Garcia 52:17

Join in!

Candice Wu 52:18

Which is probably true, you know, the energy in the room?

Brent Garcia 52:22

Yeah. I don’t know if that’s like, really, like, controversial or anything but opinion, but like, yeah, it’s a standout. I don’t know.

Candice Wu 52:31

I think it — Yeah. Controversial or not, it’s something people say, and I actually agree with you. I don’t believe that that’s true. That there are no stupid questions.

Brent Garcia 52:43

Yeah. You know, and in the words of Bill Hicks, I’ll say, you know, I don’t always choose wisely, but I’m committed.

Candice Wu 52:52

Thank you.

Candice Wu 52:53

Well, Brent, this is really fun. The whole thing as we talked about, is there anything else that is coming to you now, any last thoughts? Anything you’d like to share with everyone listening?

Brent Garcia 53:04

You, the listener are perfect, just the way you are. And there are people like Candice and myself, that do our best to create spaces that allow you to be that way?

Candice Wu 53:24

Yes, thank you.

Brent Garcia 53:26

You’re welcome. Thank you,

Candice Wu 53:30

Brent, where can everyone find you? And by the way, your Healing Crisis video is really fun to watch on your website.

Brent Garcia 53:37

You know, my website is the best way I try to keep that as like the portal, you know, the hub. So it’s BrentGarcia.com. And I say, because, you know, that’s my name, Brent Garcia. So, therefore, that’s my website, BrentGarcia.com. So there it is. That’s the easiest way. You can email me at Brent@BrentGarcia.com.

Brent Garcia 54:06

There you go.

Candice Wu 54:06

So easy.

Brent Garcia 54:08

I try to keep it simple.

Candice Wu 54:09

It is what it is here. Oh, well, thank you so much. I learned so much. I felt so much. I’ve had a lot of fun with you, as always. And I would love to have you on the show again. I just have 50 million questions. And we’ve already got about an hour or over. So thank you, Brent.

Brent Garcia 54:29

You’re welcome, Candice, thank you for your space and thank you for your creation. This is amazing stuff and your work is amazing. See you down the road.

Candice Wu 54:43

I want to thank Brent so much for joining me on the show. I learned so much from him and continue to as we are both on our journeys.

Candice Wu 54:51

Brent combines traditional and modern systems of East Asian medicine with bodywork and Trigger Point therapy, providing custom treatments to eliminate pain and cultivate well being in his patients. His private practices in Chicago at two locations. And you can find all that information as well as book a treatment on his website at www.BrentGarcia.com.

Candice Wu 55:13

Before you leave, I’d like to invite you to listen to more interviews, meditations, and explorations on CandiceWu.com/podcast. And you can also subscribe to my weekly newsletter and become a member of the Embodied Community at CandiceWu.com/embody where you can get lots of free resources on Embodiment, self-love, healing, meditations as well as information about my retreats, workshops, private sessions, and other offerings. Thank you so much for listening and see you next time on the Embody Podcast.

Candice Wu 0:00

Hello, this is Candice Wu on the Embody Podcast. And right now you’re listening to a mini-series within the larger and Embody Podcast. It’s called the a{Live} now series.

Candice Wu 0:11

And this is a series I just started now, and I want to continue it on and see how it goes. But I’ve been called to speak more authentically and more in the moment, more in process, and more just in time, without editing and without polishing it up.

Candice Wu 0:35

And with what’s alive right now, in the moment, it’s felt like an inner calling that I want to be able to do this and challenge myself to this, as well as share what’s happening, because what’s alive in me right now, has often been a source of good conversation with people or resonating with people in a way that helps bring them a feeling that they’re not alone, or helps them understand what they’re going through, or adds to my experience as well.

Candice Wu 1:06

So a{Live} now has a lot of meanings, multiple meanings here. What’s alive in the moment, what’s alive now, live now, to live now and to be present and to be fully with what my experience is and to share it and to express it.

Candice Wu 1:27

And also, to some degree, it’s live, this podcast, but because I will have a bit of tweaking and editing by my editor, just minorly to make the sound quality good, it will be edited and put out there as soon as possible.

Candice Wu 1:46

What I also find interesting about sharing what’s alive in me right now is that it’s often filled with many emotions, it’s complex. Sometimes the most alive thing feels also tainted or touched by fear. Because it’s pushing me to my edge and my boundary. And it often is filled with other emotion, maybe it’s joy, or maybe it’s sadness, or grief, or anger, whatever it is, the combination makes it feel very alive in the moment, makes me feel like I’m full in myself and completely here.

Candice Wu 2:26

A second fascinating thing about sharing what’s alive right now is that I’ve often experienced other people healing around the same issues, or the same themes. And maybe they’re across the world, or maybe they’re connected with me in some way or not at all. And they’re just strangers. And so I found that dialogue to be incredible.

Candice Wu 2:51

So feel free to share with me what happens if you hear my thoughts, my feelings, what’s present for me, and spontaneous. And I’d be happy to hear from you. I respond to every single message. And if you don’t get a response from me try again, because chances are I just didn’t get it or something happened or didn’t see it.

Candice Wu 3:13

So what’s alive for me right now?

Candice Wu 3:16

The other day, my editor told me how many hours he had spent on editing this particular podcast, which was an interview. And granted, it took much longer than the normal podcasts, where it’s just me talking or a live interview. But this one was on Skype and meshing the two audio tracks, for the best sound quality was a longer process than normal. And he told me how many hours and what I was thinking about, “Wow, that cost me a lot of money.”

Candice Wu 3:51

Thinking about like a podcast and spending that money, investing that money in what I’m doing here and sharing to the world, the way I am. And that scared me. And for moments, I stopped and just witnessed this whole fear thread go on in my mind. Maybe you shouldn’t do it. Maybe it’s not worth it anymore. What are you doing? Wow, can you really spend that much money on this?

Candice Wu 4:20

And of course, my editor is completely worth it. So it wasn’t that, it was more so an eye-opening moment where I realized how much money I was investing in this process. And the question came, “Do I want to invest this in the process?”

Candice Wu 4:41

So a couple of things came out of this, the question of why am I doing this? And is this worthy of my time and money and energy? And also, a second piece came up as I sat with some of the feelings.

Candice Wu 5:00

I’m kind of fast forwarding because it wasn’t just like it happened all in one sitting.

Candice Wu 5:07

A night went by and in the morning, I totally stressed and had about an hour to have super stressful sleep, the kind where you’re just thinking and obsessing. But you’re not really thinking clearly even because you’re sort of half asleep. Either way, it’s not getting you sleep, and it’s not getting you proper thinking or being with yourself really.

Candice Wu 5:34

And I could just feel the fear pervade my body. And luckily, I could witness it and explore it deeper. And so that next day, I, which was just about yesterday, I sat with it and talk to the fear. And for a while, nothing came up. And eventually, I was talking to my partner and realized that the fear, the belief underlying the fear was about not being worthy, not feeling worthy to invest in myself.

Candice Wu 6:09

And I knew those were the right words because it would bring me tears. And I didn’t quite know why. After all, I could invest in myself in other ways like in therapy, in healing work, in investing in my business or my practice, investing energy and time into things that I don’t know what the fruits of will be.

Candice Wu 6:34

And for this particular feeling, what revealed itself was that my great grandma, whom I grew up with, and just loved so much growing up, and now she always, when it came time to give her like the bedroom of her choice in the new house that we moved into, or giving her a new mattress because hers was about 15 years old, she would always choose the least, like the smallest option, the oldest option, the one that gave everyone else the least stress.

Candice Wu 7:17

So she chose the tiny little room that was actually meant to be a laundry room. And she wanted that or seemingly wanted that. And when we tried to give her a new mattress, we even changed it for her, she stubbornly went and changed it back, climbed all the stairs, I think she was like 88 years old. And she just lifted it all the way back up and, and returned, recovered her own mattress and gave the new one to, I think, my sister.

Candice Wu 7:45

And what I realized was that there was so much pain in seeing my great grandma reject things that could be investing in her. And that she could receive and that we all wanted to give her. And at the same time, I could feel her love in giving it all to us.

Candice Wu 8:05

But there’s something left in that feeling of worthiness to invest in yourself there. And so, I used — when I felt into that, I already was grieving and some energy inside my body was moving. I could feel sensations of tingling in my chest, and some tightness breaking up and opening. And it could breathe a little better. And to let it move a little further, I used forgiveness.

Candice Wu 8:37

And it’s something I use with my clients, as well as with my own healer, who taught it to me. And I use the words, “I forgive myself for judging myself, for believing that I’m unworthy of investing in myself.”

Candice Wu 8:56

And I also used “I forgive myself and my ancestors for all the times and places that we felt unworthy of investing in ourselves.” And that just let the rest of it move. And granted, I do have a lot of practice with letting feelings move through my body without blocking them or without holding tight. And so I could just feel that release. And as soon as that happened, it was maybe an hour or two later that I just felt like, I’m totally renewed with energy about continuing this podcast, and even coming up with new ideas around it and feeling like I am worthy of investing in.

Candice Wu 9:42

What was also quite nice in contrast to my story about my great grandma was that I learned that my partner, he had a story that seemed to be opposite that about his grandmother, where he said that his grandmother would, even recently, even in her 80s, she bought a $3,000 euro desk, a very nice desk for herself because she wanted a desk, and how easy it was for her to do that. And also excited she was to be able to pass that down in the family line that someone else would be able to have it later. But that just brought even more heightened awareness around what my experience was.

Candice Wu 10:29

So if this is resonating with you in any way, I’d encourage you to explore it deeper. Perhaps it’s about experiencing how you invest in yourself, or your own worthiness, or learning a tool that I’ve shared today about forgiveness or feeling emotions through the body or talking with fear. I didn’t elaborate on it too much, which I will another day. But I’d be curious for you how it’s touching you, in what ways and again, I’d encourage you to share that with me. I want to mention two other pieces today that seem to touch in on this as well.

Candice Wu 11:11

Just this morning, I got an email from somebody that, I just burst into tears because this person wrote that they had listened to my podcast, and felt like it had resonated with them in some ways, and that they were experiencing some similar things.

Candice Wu 11:32

And that this weekend, they were singing, this is part of their career, and they were singing and performing and found themselves feeling tightness in their chest and a lot of anxiety and gasping for air even. And then later when they were at Yoga, the same feeling came, this gasping for air and a lightheadedness. And as this person went to create their intentions for that day and sit with themselves, they noticed shaking in their legs and a lot of feelings moving through.

Candice Wu 12:08

What they said to me was that instead of dismissing their feelings, pushing them away, not feeling them or even having a huge concern or fear about the experience, they instead were able to be with themselves, even voice to their partner that they understood what was going on to some degree and let them know what they needed about this, navigating through their feelings.

Candice Wu 12:35

And within a couple of hours, all of these emotions had passed. And they were diffusing some oils and drinking some yummy teas, loving their inner selves with practices that we had worked on together before.

Candice Wu 12:49

And I’ve also received a few other messages from people where they felt like this really described something they were going through and it had helped them put together some of the pieces of what they were experiencing.

Candice Wu 13:03

Oh, I’m realizing now that I haven’t even mentioned which podcast this is. It’s the one about spiritual and existential crisis. It’s called Freedom + Expansion : The Terrifying Gifts of Spiritual and Existential Crisis AKA WTF is Going on? #AmIGoingCrazy? – EP13.

Candice Wu 13:19

And this is one of the things that happens to me when I record live is I just forget to say some details. So here it is.

Candice Wu 13:28

But I am so touched by all of the messages I’ve received, and all of the personal and vulnerable stories that have come my way because of what I’ve shared. And this is one of the joys that I have of sharing so deeply, and being on the receiving end of the story of your souls.

Candice Wu 13:50

So thank you so much for listening and following along and giving that feedback to me as well.

Candice Wu 13:58

And at the edge of wondering, and inquiring why I’m doing this podcast, these pieces of feedback have just given me so much heartfelt delight and gratitude and purpose as well, for expressing myself in this way. So it comes with my personal purpose of growth and vulnerability and challenging myself to be at my living edge, but also to hear and to converse with people about what they’re going through. It’s just one of my joys.

Candice Wu 14:41

The last a{Live} now piece I want to share today is about someone who passed away recently, Avicii. His name is Tim Bergling, he’s a Swedish musician and DJ. And a lot of you may know his music because it’s beautiful, and it’s lively.

Candice Wu 15:02

And, actually, for the longest time, I had known his music but didn’t know him specifically as the artist like I didn’t know the name of who sang this song, Wake me up.

Candice Wu 15:13

As I learned about his death recently, I also just burst into tears. And I wasn’t sure why. And I think it’s so interesting to hear things in the news, and to hear things about other people because it really provides some stage for exploring my inner world. And not to take away from what actually happens like the passing of Tim Bergling. And the sadness that’s around that for a lot of people, including his family and his listeners. But it gave me a lot of sadness, just to know that he’s so young.

Candice Wu 15:57

And when he was, I believe it was in 2012, or maybe 2014, I can’t remember now. But he realized that he was on his path to death. And he even said in his documentary that if I keep on going on this pathway, if I keep on performing, I’m going to die.

Candice Wu 16:18

And from things I’ve read, apparently, he had told press and media, that he did not want to be lured back into that world because he knew that it would kill him, and it had gotten so bad.

Candice Wu 16:33

So rock bottom, it seemed that he knew he had to make a change. And then that he died two years later, or a couple of years later, that just hit me really hard.

Candice Wu 16:44

Because it hit me in the spot where I know there are certain things that I need to do for my own self-care, another level of letting my body take the lead and listening and doing exactly what my body wants, not pressuring it to do more.

Candice Wu 17:03

That level of self-love and care is what my body’s been asking for. And there are ways that I’ve pushed it aside, even here where in Bali, where I’m able to take a lot of time to rest, I found myself pushing and challenging myself to go out and do something or to do a little piece of work.

Candice Wu 17:27

But hearing this story yesterday, just gave me another moment of grieving for myself, and also feeling sad for the world and for him, but mostly grieving for myself that I also need to make certain changes internally and to give in and surrender to what my soul and body are asking for.

Candice Wu 17:55

So I leave you with that today. And if that touches you in any way to ask yourself, what is it that you’re needing? What is it that your soul or your body are asking for, that you know, you need to listen to? And perhaps you’ve been pushing aside. Like me or like the person whose email I shared about how they would often dismiss and push away what they were feeling, but now has stopped to listen and feel.

Candice Wu 18:30

So what is it that something inside of you has been whispering or saying or screaming to you even and that comes in small, little intuitive thoughts that come quickly or feeling senses, an emotion that comes and asks of you to feel through and listen to what it is or a sensation in your body that needs to move through and give you some sort of wisdom.

Candice Wu 18:57

So I hope today that these thoughts will give you something interesting to chew on or just let you have more pieces of my story. Or give you a chance to look into your heart and see what it is you need or how you might need or want to invest in yourself, what areas you want to give forgiveness to or just tuning into how the world is affecting you and looking at one piece of what touches your heart.

Candice Wu 19:28

Thanks so much for listening in today. And I look forward to sharing more on the a{Live} now series of the Embody Podcast. And if you’re interested in listening to the podcast on spiritual crisis or existential crisis, check out my web page at CandiceWu.com/podcast where you’ll find that podcast, as well as all the rest that have been there.

Candice Wu 19:52

And if you are interested in staying tuned with me, with other healing tips, workshops, retreats, blog posts, and the like. You can sign up for my newsletter at CandiceWu.com/embody. Be well today and I hope to see you next time on the Embody Podcast.