Candice Wu 0:00

In this episode, I talked very personally and vulnerable about my horse adventure that continues, why and how I left Ireland in January, when I left the horse farm, as well as what’s happening now in the horse world and what’s happening in my relational world.

Candice Wu 0:19

Hello and welcome. You’re listening to the Embody Podcast, a show about remembering and embodying your true nature, inner wisdom, embodied healing, and self-love.

Candice Wu 0:32

My name is Candice Wu. And I’m a holistic healing facilitator, intuitive coach, and artist sharing my personal journey of vulnerability, offering meditations and guided healing support, and having co-creative conversations with healers and wellness practitioners from all over the world.

Candice Wu 0:54

Welcome back, everyone. It’s great to have you here. This is an a{Live} now now episode. I started this because I wanted to talk about what’s alive now in me, and what often fueled conversations with others or synchronize with what other people were experiencing.

Candice Wu 1:11

So, I’ve fallen a bit behind the last time I did an a{Live} now episode was about lessons from horses, boundaries, and my new Assertive Hat Episode 57. So you can find that at CandiceWu.com/ep57 or CandiceWu.com/horselifeireland.

Candice Wu 1:31

And this is where I talked about some of my experiences when I was in Ireland living on a horse farm. So I was with four horses and living with a host family at the time. And I may have talked about leaving Ireland in a few other podcasts just as an update and how I had arrived back home in Michigan, and I was so happy. And if you are following my newsletters, you probably learned a bit more about the process of me leaving and why and what happened. But I didn’t really go in depth here and talk about it. So I wanted to do that now. And I thought it would be interesting to start off with going back to some of my spoken word, journal podcasts.

Candice Wu 2:13

I haven’t talked about this on the podcast. But during my adventures in Ireland, I started to create a private, spoken word journal, I shared this with a few close people in my life, as well as my family. So they could keep up with the day to day of what was happening with me in Ireland, and that I didn’t have to keep repeating myself. So I realized I was practically speaking into that journal every day. From the time I arrived there January, I think it was 14th to January 26th. And then, a couple of days after that, I left Ireland and I was just so done with the experience, needed to step away and look away, and process it from a different space and not talk about it on that spoken word journal podcast, or on this podcast. So, I just like neglected doing that. And now I want to go back and just fill in those gaps.

Candice Wu 3:10

I’ve heard from someone in particular that they really liked hearing about my horse experiences and my personal life. And they encouraged me to share more about that. So, thank you so much, you know who you are, who has encouraged me to do so. I appreciate you incredibly, and I keep feeling fueled by the inspiration that you get from listening in to what I’m experiencing.

Candice Wu 3:37

And that’s specifically for this listener, but also for all of the rest of you that feel inspired by something or touched by something. I appreciate all the feedback and sharing that happens as a result of these podcasts. And I know many of you don’t share your reactions, maybe you’re worried that there’s a judgment towards me or some feedback or a challenge towards me, I’d love to hear that. Or maybe you just don’t reach out because it takes time and energy and maybe guts or vulnerability. But I appreciate all of you no matter what place you’re at with connecting with me.

Candice Wu 4:18

So just want to thank this listener for encouraging me to speak more vulnerable, share more of my personal life, and to honor the stories that are happening in my life.

Candice Wu 4:30

So let’s go back to January 26th, 2019, where I have this clip for you, which is titled, “Can I do this? Empowering myself to leave”. And then this specific segment is called “Day 12 and still alive”. So you can already feel how I was struggling and trying to get the courage or figure out what’s right for me. So here’s the clip, unedited, pretty raw and without a filter.

Candice Wu 5:06

So I’m still surviving, I’m still committed here, even though it’s been challenging. And I say it this way, because it absolutely has been a debate at times. Just last night, I was preparing myself to leave, if I had to. And, I did have that idea in mind as I came, that I would give myself permission to leave if I needed to. I didn’t want to break a commitment that I’d made. But I felt like if I needed to, then I would have to, to respect myself and honor what I need.

Candice Wu 5:43

And last night it came to a head where I started looking for other places to live and looking at other experiences where it might be a better fit for me. I just felt like, the extreme conditions that I’m enduring, the messiness and dirtiness, everything’s really still very hard for me the bathroom sink, still clogged. And so I have to go to the kitchen to wash my hands where it’s dirty everywhere on the floor, coal and mud and maybe horse poop. Who knows? We mop and about an hour later it’s dirty again. And it’s freezing. And I’m getting adjusted to that. But with that, plus some things that happened with my host. It just felt like if I’m not going to get what I want out of this in terms of learning with the horses, and to feel good through it, to feel ease and joy through that, then it’s not worth being here just to have a place to live, and food for exchange of doing some work. It’s just not worth it.

Candice Wu 6:54

Well, what happened yesterday? At the end of the night, my host, cornered me in the kitchen, and she was a little bit drunk and decided to question me about the learning that I had that day and something that I had done.

Candice Wu 7:11

And what I had done was, when I walked to a certain place near the horse, in the stable, I hesitated. I do have this fear that if I’m walking, the horse isn’t going to respond to me, and I’m going to get met up with resistance. And I’m not going to know what to do. And it will develop a bad habit. And it won’t become this leader that I want to be. That’s a lot of pressure. I know. But, so I walked forward, I didn’t quite know what she was asking of me, which is part of the problem.

Candice Wu 7:50

I don’t think the activity was scaffolded well enough for me. And I thought I knew. But then once I started, it didn’t, it wasn’t clear to me anymore. And so the horse didn’t move. And she said just turn around and walk away. And then she did the exercise. And the horse was even more resistant. Because the horse had learned that if they’re resistant and stay put, then I’m going to walk away and release the energy. That’s the pressure that’s on them. Just by walking towards.

Candice Wu 8:23

Well, she pushed through and managed to get the horse to move with some firm and clear pressure and just waited a little bit of time. But yeah, at the end of the night, it was like 10:30 at night, I was going to get my hot water bottle, ready to go to bed and she corners me and I told her, “Are you asking me right now? I’m about to go to bed.” And she said “Yeah”. And pressured me. And the interesting thing is, I didn’t get all that triggered. I felt like, this is disrespectful. I don’t like this. I could walk away. Or I could answer what do I do?

Candice Wu 9:11

And, I’m somewhat okay with what happened. I ended up answering and kept it very short. And at some point, I made a joke like “Am I dismissed yet?”, which was my signal that I know what you’re doing here. I know that this interaction wasn’t an interaction that was very respectful. And the way I’m being treated is like a young child that I don’t know, who’s getting disciplined or something.

Candice Wu 9:43

And so, that resulted in me feeling like, you know, if I’m going to learn from somebody, it has to be the right teacher. And yes, I can be forgiving, and allow, or recognize that teachers make mistakes. I teach my clients, I teach Yoga, as one of my roles in my healing work. And I’m sure that I make mistakes, or I have different times where there are relational ruptures or misunderstandings, or where I pushed in a way that wasn’t appropriate because of something that was going on for me. And that repair is so important. And I felt like if this isn’t going to get repaired, if I’m not going to feel respected, then I am going to leave.

Candice Wu 10:37

And then here’s a fun little section about me being greedy and looking at my own feelings of feeling enough and doing enough, as experienced through my interactions with the horses. So some things that I learned.

Candice Wu 10:53

So what did I learn today, I learned a lot, just to start with some of the themes of what I learned. I recognize how I’m greedy. And I want more than what’s there. Sometimes I just want more and more. And that showed up in terms of just recognizing that one step is enough, and not asking for three more.

Candice Wu 11:21

So when I’m asking the horse to move, front, backside, or side, just one step and releasing the pressure, turning around and not asking more of the horse is where we’re starting. And not to do that a million times, but once or twice, and that’s it, and then maybe do a little bit of what she calls the friendly game, which is one of the natural horsemanship games of touching the horse in a way that they can still stand still. And feel comfortable and safe and okay with it. So just doing a little bit of that, and then releasing that, and not going for more.

Candice Wu 12:08

And so during the process of me doing some of these exercises, I just noticed how I might go for another step or feel like I want to do it again and again. And that plays out in my life, I want more than what’s here. And I thought I had been very good with accepting and feeling like I have enough, I’m doing enough. It’s something that I’ve been working ongoingly.

Candice Wu 12:39

And now I recognize even larger step towards acceptance. And enough, just one step. So as I say that I take a deep breath, it feels good, it feels like just the kind of inner learning that I want, that feeling of peace and contentment, that one little thing was enough and that I can enjoy other things and not push it.

Candice Wu 13:08

So there you have it the up close and personal experience of what I was going through. And a couple of days after that I was working with one of the horses, EY, this horse is the Alpha horse. And I had learned some of the basic horsemanship practices with him. So I got to take him out into the arena by myself. And no one was watching. I don’t know, fortunately, or unfortunately, because I didn’t really know what to do. And this was part of the impetus for me to realize that this was too overwhelming of an experience in general for me.

Candice Wu 13:47

So we’re in the arena, me and this horse. And whenever you’re with a horse, or with more than one horse, this is considered a herd. So me and this horse, our herd. And anytime you meet up in a herd, all the animals combined are trying to figure out who is the Alpha here. Who is in charge of the safety of the herd? Who is going to ask the others to move if something’s dangerous? Who’s going to protect everyone? And who does everyone have guidance from?

Candice Wu 14:22

And it’s always a question until it is resolved and clear. And it is pretty anxiety-provoking for both human and horse, if that’s not clear. So I’m trying to establish some sense of leadership with myself and with him. And so you can see how I was struggling with that and feeling anxious about it. And just practicing. I’m also reminding myself at that time that I was just new at this, a baby, so how was I supposed to know everything? But, if you’ve listened to my Past Life Trauma Episode, and some of the other horse episodes, you might know that I’m very hard on myself with the horses, because I feel like some sort of resonance with horses that maybe I’ve been with them in the past life and was an expert or something. And I came into this life feeling like I should know how to be with horses and how to be a leader to them.

Candice Wu 15:22

So here I am out there. And I’m asking this horse to circle around me on a lead rope. And so he begins to circle as I direct him, but very sluggishly. So I’m asking him to go a little faster. And it’s not quite working. And as he circles behind me, I see him eye me. And it feels funny, I’m not sure what’s going to happen, and slowly his head lowers, and then his whole body starts to stop. And now I know what’s happening. And it’s too late.

Candice Wu 15:55

But now this horse is on the ground and rolling on his back, and enjoying this, like back massage and back scratch, which horses love. And I think that’s great. It’s just that this is in the middle of me asking him to walk and to practice our collaboration.

Candice Wu 16:16

And what I learned, all you horse people out there may know other thoughts about this, this is just what I learned, is that the Alpha horse is usually the first horse or wants to be the first horse to be able to just come in and roll on the ground. And it’s a sign of strength and confidence. And I can do whatever I want. And I can feel vulnerable and know that I’m not going to be attacked or I’m going to be able to handle it. I’m safe here. And the Alpha horse takes that lead and the other horses might follow. And the followers, it’s clear that they’re followers, like the Alpha horse doesn’t follow.

Candice Wu 17:01

So here, he does this in the middle of me asking him to walk. And I just didn’t even know what to do. So I was like, “Oh, shoot! This happened.” And so I remembered some other things about Alpha horses, they walk away and then they walk wherever they wanted. They take that initiative.

Candice Wu 17:21

So I started doing that, I walked away. And I decided, you know what I’m going to roll. Because I’ve heard my host also tell me that that’s what she does sometimes, to establish leadership with the entire herd, she walks right in the middle dead center or wherever she wants and just rolls on the ground.

Candice Wu 17:38

And luckily, that day, it was not muddy up to my ankles, as it usually was. It was snowy and icy. So the ground was full of ice and I could roll on that. And so I wandered around, rolled on my back, like a horse, got back up and then continued walking on my way, wherever I felt like wandering in this arena, hoping that this would do something. And it did. I got the horse’s attention. And he started coming over to me, which was a good sign. But then I didn’t know what to do after that, or I just, I couldn’t feel into the confidence of the other practice, the other horsemanship practices that I was doing.

Candice Wu 18:26

So then eventually he did it again. And I was like, “Oh, no, this is becoming a pattern.” And also, what are we doing here? What’s happening here? Is this a pattern that tells him that he’s the leader, or is this some sort of weird game we’re playing? And I do it again, later. And he then again follows me. So we’re going back and forth, we do this at least three or four times. And at this point, I realize, okay, this has become a pattern that I don’t know how to handle and this is a good place to stop. But I directed him or I asked him to do a few other things to leave it on a good note.

Candice Wu 19:04

So I went inside and just got cleaned up. And as I reflected on that, I just started crying. It just tipped over, the overwhelm of the entire experience, the daily wearing of the environment outside, which is tolerable if everything else is good, plus the wearing of the environment inside like the dirt and mud, and probably horse poop everywhere. Moldy stuff in the kitchen, every place being like really icky and just not being able to walk around barefoot anywhere, the sink in the bathroom still being clogged and having to go to the kitchen sink anytime I wanted to wash my hands, kind of dancing around in someone else’s space where that person and I are also having interpersonal conflict and trying to work it out and doing an okay job of that, but it’s bumpy.

Candice Wu 20:07

And then put all on top of that, me learning with the horses, and also cleaning their poop every day, which became sort of a meditation, but learning how to be with the horses, how to be a leader with horses when I was just so brand new at it and pushing myself on the inside which I was working with releasing and just being enough in the moment.

Candice Wu 20:31

But having criticism come at me that wasn’t supportive sometimes and would come at times where I just needed a little bit of encouragement, and where my host would use every single interaction between us as a lesson for me with my horsemanship, which just became incredibly tiresome and challenging.

Candice Wu 20:55

And even when I’d assert some boundary around that, as you heard in the story about me being cornered, it just was so much to defend in my world. And some of that reflects what I need to grow in. And some of that just reflects a situation that doesn’t match what I need. All of that was incredibly stressful.

Candice Wu 21:19

So when I came back inside, after this horse had rolled on the ground, and pretty much just, you know, took leadership, because I wasn’t quite confident enough. I really felt this overwhelm and realized in that moment, why am I enduring this?

Candice Wu 21:40

I know how to endure hard stuff. I have done that. I have even pushed myself straight into challenging experiences so I can know my own strength and grit, and to become stronger and also to learn. And is this the right environment to learn? At this time. Do I need to endure a hard situation and overcome that in this time of my life? Is this my lesson right now?

Candice Wu 22:09

Which was the biggest and most important question of all for me, because I realized, that this wasn’t my lesson, my lesson was to walk away, and to feel the freedom to walk away with love and respect, to find a way to do that in a graceful way and not out of anger or rejection with that kind of like harshness of rejection or rage. But to walk away in respect and love from this dynamic that so reminded me of my relationship with my father.

Candice Wu 22:47

And the lesson here was to integrate this so that I could handle this kind of energy. And the way to handle it this time in this moment was to leave.

Candice Wu 23:00

The second lesson that I realized later that I was receiving in that moment, is that I wanted to fully trust myself, my inner knowing, and my inner guidance and compass, without question. And the very fact that I didn’t even give enough space to recognize the knowing until later, until a couple of days, I know it wasn’t that long, but I’d like it to be thinking of a little bit more to the moment. But this experience helped me to do that.

Candice Wu 23:37

The thinking up of recognizing what my inner knowing is, what my intuition says to do, as my go-to. And here in this experience, I was thinking: “Oh, this is something I can learn, and this, and this, and this.” And it just kind of overflowed, and I don’t have to learn in every single arena of my life, and be challenged in every single part of my experience to grow. And it’s okay to enjoy it, and to have a kind person as my teacher. And I started to get clear about what kind of teacher I wanted to have.

Candice Wu 24:17

So this lesson of totally trusting my inner compass, my intuition. What I need to do was very clear when I told my host and the host’s son, because they both challenged me and attacked me pretty hard. I got called a quitter, and I was interrogated. And I learned to find a place where I wasn’t trying to defend myself, but share what I wanted to share. And stay confident in my knowing that I needed to leave.

Candice Wu 24:55

I was thrilled when my mom was like, “Just come home”, and that really helped me to take that step. So arriving in Dublin for a few days was wonderful and restorative. And then getting all the way home to Michigan. I just appreciated Michigan so much more. And I know that 10 years, 11 years ago, when I left Michigan for Chicago, I felt like I was never going to come back here to live, I was rejecting Michigan to a great deal.

Candice Wu 25:32

And now I feel so fond of it. And I spent this last couple of months getting grounded here. Even though I’d made a trip to San Diego, I’ve been very focused on the things that I want to enjoy here, like my growth in ballet and just moving my body that way, working with horses again with a new riding teacher, as well as a new horsemanship teacher that I found, and creating loving experiences with my family and friends, and taking all the enjoyment.

Candice Wu 26:11

If you read a recent newsletter of mine, I also shared how all of this enjoyment, all of the things that I’ve created out of finding inner freedom, and therefore the congruency in my outer world like financial freedom, like loving myself, being able to have the time and space to take care of myself, to do things, I love, to have loving relationships.

Candice Wu 26:38

And most recently, while I was in San Diego, falling in love with a new person that actually I’ve known before, I talked briefly about that in the last Manifesting Episode at CandiceWu.com/manifesting. All these really good things were happening and there was even a little push inside of me to do more or to do the next thing.

Candice Wu 27:04

But it was time to stop and breathe in and out and just take in all the fun and pleasure. Why would I create all this and skip over it? That sends a message to my being that I just don’t feel worthy, and that we don’t enjoy things, but I am worthy. And it’s good to enjoy and celebrate the things that you spent your energy and attention on. And that’s what we ultimately want to feel. So why not arrive there. And truly take it in and soak it in for longer as long as you want to, as long as your heart and soul want to. So that’s just what I’ve been leaning into as I release more beliefs of unworthiness, and expand my feeling of worthiness inside to enjoy all these pleasures.

Candice Wu 28:01

And so, as I reflect on this ending of leaving Ireland, ending that experience early, ending a dynamic where I didn’t like how I was showing up and how the other person was showing up with me. I’m talking about my host. I also was experiencing other endings. Sometimes I would talk about my partner on the show, and I want to just mention and honor that relationship with him because that love, the way that it was a romantic love has shifted, and we’ve shifted more into a friendship and a professional relationship. And that has also been woven into my experience from January until now.

Candice Wu 28:47

When I left for Ireland, that was the beginning of it. And I don’t want to talk completely about that right now. I’d like to talk about that in the next episode that’s coming up about relationships and dating and relationship grief, because a lot of people have shared with me that their relationships have been ending, whether that’s friendships, or love relationships, or family relationships.

Candice Wu 29:14

So that has just inspired me to do an entire episode on it. So I’ll talk more about Christoph and my previous partner there. And another relationship that ended in my world is a friendship relationship. That was a really long time.

Candice Wu 29:31

But what started to evolve, maybe even 10 years ago, just kind of tail spawn, and it didn’t really click to me that this is a relationship that just needed to end or shift until just recently. And the thing I just want to share about that today is that all the relationships in my life, in my experience, and as experienced them for my clients, serve to show us our inner model of the world, our inner model of ourselves, what we believe and feel about ourselves in the world, are reflected in the relationships that we have in the way that we’re treated in the way that it feels and the way that the roles are in the relationship.

Candice Wu 30:20

We do attract those people that will support us in seeing ourselves. And that means both our light and our dark. And that light being the love in us, the truth in us, as well as the dark, being the wounds or the parts in ourselves that want to be resolved, so that we can feel our wholeness, we can come back to our wholeness.

Candice Wu 30:45

So the wounds and the beliefs and the things that are incomplete in us, that our soul wants to go back to, to heal up and integrate. Our soul wants us to go back to those places where our tender heart has bled or is bleeding still, and sometimes bleeding out. And that young, intuitive, sensitive dreamer, infant of ours, the baby that came into this world that is so open, so full-hearted, with no protections and no guards up, has experienced wounds, has experienced the need to protect and put armor up in different ways and for different reasons. And that all is what our soul wants us to go back to, to heal up and recover. To go back to that innocence, truth, love, pure experiencing.

Candice Wu 31:47

If we’re actually taking relationships as a reflection of place to look at ourselves, then we can let the relationship have its own natural life force.

Candice Wu 32:02

Sometimes we do need to tell the other person what we need or ask and request the other person to do something that would support us. I’m not saying that that’s a bad thing. And that can be a very good thing, and a way to collaborate.

Candice Wu 32:19

But if there’s so much constriction in a relationship, so much controlling of the way things are, can’t do this, can do that, need to do this, shouldn’t do that, then it clamps down the life force. It clamps down the aliveness of the relationship and what wants to come through to support us in shaking ourselves awake and shaking us up, to look at, the places that we’re wanting to love ourselves more, to look at the places where we’ve hidden away, that wants to be uncovered and to be felt and experienced, known. If we clamp that down, then we don’t grow, we don’t have our own life force thriving, the soul that drives us towards these experiences to integrate them, gets hampered. And we kill ourselves in a way very slowly.

Candice Wu 33:23

So I invite you to look at your own relationships in this way. Who you are in those relationships? And what are the dynamics that you are seeing right in front of you? What are the things that your soul wants you to learn here? And what is it that you can learn here?

Candice Wu 33:42

If you pause and just check in with yourself about all your relationships, and just check that these are relationships that support you. And you don’t have to learn every hard lesson at once. It’s not about just cutting off all the relationships that are not fun and joyful. I don’t know positive, I guess. I don’t love using the word positive. But it’s about looking at what are you learning in this relationship? And how can you see this sacred interaction as something that’s fueling your spirituality or being, and who you are in this journey of life?

Candice Wu 34:30

Who have you attracted in your life? To show you certain lessons of loving yourself. What does each relationship show you that you desire? And how can your relationships connect to on a deeper level with what you want and who you truly are, and where your wounds are so that you can heal those up and find yourself arriving back at who you are. And then, that you can attract exactly what you want with clarity, ease and from the loving that is you.

Candice Wu 35:13

So just going back to my horse journey. About a week or two after arriving back in Michigan, I took a horsemanship lesson from a woman named Sue, and her horse Delta. And it was wonderful. It just was so incredibly healing.

Candice Wu 35:33

And that same experience that happened with EY, where he rolled on the ground actually happened in this lesson. But it was a completely different experience. Of course, I was alone in that experience in Ireland. But I could only imagine that even if my host/teacher was there, in that moment that it might not have felt so comfortable.

Candice Wu 35:57

But here with Sue, she asks me or gives me the opportunity to ask the horse to walk in circles. So feeling like okay, this is familiar, but I already had a little bit clearer direction from Sue about how to do it with confidence. And she was so encouraging, and kind, Oh… it just was so recovering for me for the ways that I was criticizing myself and also feeling the pressure from the outside.

Candice Wu 36:27

So I asked Delta to walk and going around the first way to the right, he did exactly what I asked him to, walked three times and then stopped. And then I asked him to go the other direction. And at some point, when he got behind me, he did that same look in his eyes, and started to roll down towards the ground, or like slumped down towards the ground and get on his back and looked at Sue. And I was like, “Oh, no, this has happened to me before. What do I do?” And she said, “It’s okay, he’s not doing anything wrong, and neither are you.”

Candice Wu 37:09

So that was just really helpful for me to hear. And we stopped. And she said, “Well, he just kind of blew you off. He wasn’t disrespecting you or being mean, he just kind of blew you off. But are you okay with that?”

Candice Wu 37:26

And I was like, “No.” Just like, well, what are you going to do? If someone blows you off in life? Are you just going to stand there and take it? Or are you going to say something or do something? And I was like, I’m gonna do something. But what do I do here? And she’s like, “Well tell him, do it again, and make it clear this time, get your energy up and have some conviction with it.” And so I did, and we did great.

Candice Wu 37:54

He did exactly what I asked of him because I was clearer. And had the expectation, but also responsiveness to what he was showing me and how he was responding. And so when he went around behind me in a circle, I made sure I kept my eyes on him and kept clear about what I wanted him to do. And she asked me to just to think it in my mind, walk four laps, and be clear. And that just happened exactly as I wanted it to.

Candice Wu 38:32

And I also got to practice many of the things that I did learn in Ireland, and that had integrated over the time that I took a break. And Sue was super encouraging, and notice that I had a lot of natural talent. And that just went a long way for me, for her to say, “Wow, you have a lot of skills already. And you’re just a natural at this.” And for her to show me how she connects with her horse, with loving and sweetness at times.

Candice Wu 39:02

While having that leadership of clarity and boundaries, all of that was so helpful to me. So I wanted to share that with all of you, especially since that same experience happened where the horse rolled on the ground. So my connection with horses is growing. And I have been loving riding with this one horse named Armani, who’s at a different stable, and where I’ve been taking lessons and that’s continuing and my horsemanship skills are supporting me in having clarity, calmness, groundedness and respect, mutual respect with the horses as well as connection.

Candice Wu 39:44

And there’s just a bit more, the last day I was in Ireland, I spoke with a woman named Sarah Fancy. She’s out near San Diego, and she does family constellations with horses. She has seven horses, and she offers private mentorships, where we design exactly what we want to learn. So I’m so excited that I’ll be doing that with her at the end of May. And when I talked with her, she was so validating to me about trusting myself and leaving the situation and supporting that. Having kindness and encouragement around learning with horses was so important. Her energy was just so clear and vibrant, grounded and simple in a way. There wasn’t extra like sugariness around her talking with me, which I so appreciate just her directness and being herself.

Candice Wu 40:47

So my adventure continues. And it grows into me just wanting to be with horses even more. The feeling of maybe wanting horses, like wanting to own my own horse or lease a horse. You can lease a horse by just paying some amount of money per month to contribute to the horse’s food and their care. And in return, you can have a few days with a horse a week, where they’re entirely for you, reserved for you.

Candice Wu 41:18

But last week, I was offered the opportunity to ride with a friend while my teacher was away at a competition. And I scheduled like three days in a row with my friend to ride. And by the second day, I was tired. So I did two days. And by the third day, I was like, I just need a break. And so that really showed me I was not ready to have my own horse yet. I can’t handle being with horses that many times a week just yet, and I’m just honoring where I am right now.

Candice Wu 41:55

So as I end this conversation today about my horse journey and interaction, what I’ve been learning about myself, as well as relationships ending and serving us to show us more love in ourselves, show us the places where we can find more love.

Candice Wu 42:12

I want to invite you to listen to the next podcast that will be about relationships ending, grieving in relationships, honoring and integrating what the lesson is of the relationship, as well as saying goodbye. Or letting the dynamic and also forgiveness around any beliefs that came up in interacting with this relationship and the discovery of our own beliefs sets, ways of being that are worthy of self-forgiveness.

Candice Wu 42:54

If you’re interested in this episode, it’s not published yet. It’s coming soon. And it should be at CandiceWu.com/relationshipendings. So that link is not active yet, but it should be in a very short time. And if you’re subscribed to my podcast on
Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or Stitcher, or any of the other platforms, you’ll see it pop up in your feed.

Candice Wu 43:22

That’s all for today. Thank you so much for listening, for tuning in today. I would love to hear your feedback, your experiences as well, if you do want to share with me. And as I begin to share more vulnerably, I hope to do more of these a{Live} now podcasts where you can tune into what’s going on in my inner world and my outer world. And I’m wishing you all a lovely day and that your relationships, whether they’re ending or thriving, growing, taking the next level, whatever relationships that you’re experiencing, are serving to show you who you are and to show you the loving that is wanting to be revealed.

Candice Wu 44:05

See you next time on the Embody Podcast

Candice Wu 0:00

This episode is a{Live} now where I talk about my first couple of days being in Ireland working on a horse farm. Tune in to hear all about the challenges and the growth that I’m experiencing, as well as themes that are coming up that you can explore yourself, including working with boundaries, loving yourself and being playful with yourself, releasing codependency, putting on your assertive hat and clarity of intention.

Candice Wu 0:34

Hello and welcome. You’re listening to the Embody Podcast. A show about remembering and embodying your true nature, inner wisdom, embodied healing, and self-love.

Candice Wu 0:48

My name is Candice Wu and I’m a holistic healing facilitator, intuitive coach, and artist sharing my personal journey of vulnerability, offering meditations and guided healing support, having Co-Creative Conversations with healers and wellness practitioners from all over the world.

Candice Wu 1:09

Wow, it has been some time since I got to share with you what I’ve been doing. And I am absolutely in a whole other world.

Candice Wu 1:19

Hello, welcome back. It’s good to have you here today. And I want to just share with you what’s going on right now, which is why this episode is titled Alive Now. It’s what I’m going through or experiencing, what my thoughts and feelings are about what’s happening right here and now, without planning and more unfiltered than the other podcasts where I’m more organized and cohesive around a theme.

Candice Wu 1:50

So, a{Live} now, I love it because it’s just touching into the vulnerability of the moment. And what’s truly alive now, which gives us life which makes us feel that we’re alive. And here it is, it’s live.

Candice Wu 2:07

So if you have been listening and then you know that I’m in Ireland, and it’s cold here, it snowed yesterday, the day before that, it poured rain, it’s extremely muddy everywhere. Thank goodness, the person I’m staying with has let me borrow some rain boots because it is mucky. And sometimes they step into mud and I’m practically knee deep.

Candice Wu 2:31

So you’re probably wondering why it’s so muddy and I’m talking about the weather so much because I am living on a farm with four horses. I’m staying with a woman who needs the help, because she works, sometimes nights and sometimes days, but works often and her children have grown up and are doing their own thing.

Candice Wu 2:56

So I’m here to tend to the horses, which involves feeding them, cleaning out their stalls, yes, cleaning poop, and whatever else got in that stall and bringing them in and out of their stable so that they can be in the field and the arena that they have here, every day.

Candice Wu 3:19

I had no idea what this would be like. And as I got here, the first night I didn’t get to meet the horses because it was dark and it was just pretty much time to go to sleep. Well that night, I was like what have I gotten myself into? I want to go home and I was pretty serious. But something inside me, a deeper voice said: “No, Candice, you know why you’re here, you’re here for a reason. You want to learn, and you want to learn how to be with horses in a very respectful and collaborative way. And this person, this host that you have here is going to teach you.” And this is now a couple of days in, about 5 days in, and that has been very true.

Candice Wu 4:09

My host is someone who has worked with horses for a long time and had her own horses. And she learned natural horsemanship. And what she says now is that she responds to the horses and the horses teach her instead of learning from anyone else that’s teaching horsemanship. She’s learning from her horses. She’s taking in the information about how her horse is responding, what they need to learn, how they’re reacting, and being responsive to them, so that they can learn and grow alongside her.

Candice Wu 4:46

I am on the northwest part of Ireland. And bearing this weather was one of the hardest things for me, because the room I’m staying in is the coldest room of the whole house. And sleep is one of my biggest challenges anyway, and when I’m just way too cold, I pull the covers over my head, and then I get too hot and it’s just this kind of battle back and forth. But now that I’m in several days, I’m much more comfortable. I made the space so that it feels a little more like my own. I have racks that I travel with, some crystals and some essential oils and some gifts from friends. So that all helps me feel a little more grounded, and comforted.

Candice Wu 5:38

I’m used to traveling to different spaces, as you know, this year, I’ve been traveling a lot. But I did travel with my partner. And also I chose the spaces that I was going to stay in, we chose those spaces together, and that brought a lot of comfort. I had a lot more control, even though there were so many things I couldn’t control.

Candice Wu 5:59

But coming into this space, it was kind of alarming. I am not used to being in a farmhouse, and one where there’s so much mud and horse poop just tracking in and out and using a coal fire to heat up the house, which I have some conflict with but it’s also keeping me warm so it’s an interesting experience.

Candice Wu 6:32

As you can hear, one of my challenges here is releasing my reliance on comforts. I think it’s so normal as humans to have things that make you feel comfortable that you rely on, and that you count on day to day to make you feel like you can get through life.

Candice Wu 6:52

Life is hard sometimes and we need those things. And as I got here, I felt very stripped off them. Even the most basic things I had to come to terms with. And as I do that, I remind myself why I came to begin with, which is to learn to work with horses, and also to grow on the inside to strengthen myself so that I feel actually a complete inner freedom.

Candice Wu 7:29

And it’s kind of a lot to ask for. But I want it and this whole year has been layer after layer of gaining more inner freedom. And what I mean is releasing more attachments, releasing more belief sets that are outdated and don’t make sense anymore.

Candice Wu 7:49

And now, it’s also to feel that I can love myself through the challenging moments, I can be with myself when I feel very alone. And if tough experiences happen, I can be that advocate and loving compassion for myself. I know that it’s important to reach out for help and support when you need it. And to be able to do that as a skill in itself, something that I’ve learned and been able to do quite well in the last several years.

Candice Wu 8:18

So now my learning is different. It’s to release any extra little tangled up dependencies on others, where I actually can, just pause and take care of myself. I can pause and see what on the inside is happening? And what do I need? And how can I stay with myself and provide myself what I need? How can I be a leader within myself, so that I can actually lead in my life?

Candice Wu 8:52

And here, in my experience to live with the horses, it’s especially challenging when I’ve experienced trauma as a child, where I had disruptions with attachment, with attaching to my parents, and feeling that love and security and safety. So as I travel and as I come here to this space, I feel again more layers of the need for safety, the need for comfort, and the experience of wanting it to come from the outside.

Candice Wu 9:29

But then pulling back and feeling the strength in me, the parts of me that are my inner parent and inner lover that can give me that kind of safety and support that I need. And alongside it, I’ve been just reminding myself that I’m alive, I’m breathing, my body’s here, I’m safe.

Candice Wu 9:52

And thinking back to some of the comforts that I had, even a couple of weeks ago, being in Germany, with my partner and his family, and talking with friends and just drawing in experiences that remind me of safety and remind me of comfort. How simple it is to be able to just remind ourselves that we’re safe right now. Physically, may or may not be emotionally but physically, we’re safe and we can breathe. We’re alive.

Candice Wu 10:34

Of course, not everyone is, but my guess is if you’re listening to this podcast that you are.

Candice Wu 10:40

So wanted to offer that and what I’m going through and talk a little bit about how it’s been here otherwise, other than that initial reaction of wanting to go home, and some of the learning that I’ve had.

Candice Wu 10:58

Well the day after I arrived, I was able to witness my host be with all four horses and those horses or led into the arena. And I watched them play out their dominance game with each other of who was going to be the leader. And what hierarchy was this herd going to be in, and how are they going to interact with each other. And watching the alpha horse, maintain his space, keep his boundaries and tell the other horses to move out of his way and to back away when he wanted them to or to move when he wanted them to.

Candice Wu 11:40

So this is really interesting, I really need to work on my boundaries, I have worked on them with asserting my boundaries in terms of like what I need or want or what I, you know where my limits are with people, that’s something I’ve learned my entire life. I feel like I am finally I’m in a place where that feels manageable and there’s still some stretching to do. But here I’m feeling really challenged, because spatial boundaries are part of that spatial and energetic boundaries.

Candice Wu 12:23

And I’ve been asked by my host to start there at the very basic with the horses is to keep my boundaries, my physical boundary of having at least two horse spaces between me and the horses so that I can get accustomed to them, they can get accustomed to me as a leader. And so the alpha horse doesn’t let anyone in his space if he doesn’t want them there. And that’s something, being a leader of horses is necessary to do so that they respect your space, and don’t just plow over you. And so that you can establish a leadership role.

Candice Wu 13:01

So that’s just what I’ve been learning. And if you are working with horses, you may have a different way. I’m just a baby in this, I’m just getting to know this from scratch really, because what I have learned from other people really doesn’t seem to fit into the scope of what I’m learning here where we’re going very slowly and foundationally so that we don’t have to hit a horse or kick them or use harsh methods to ask them to respond because we only traumatize them and numb them. But we’re asking them to respond with a sensitive cue and pressure and the release of pressure to show them that they found the right solution, what we were asking of them.

Candice Wu 13:58

So that’s kind of going to down the rabbit hole of working with horses, at least from what I’m learning right now. But coming back to boundaries, it’s not easy. When a horse is walking right at you to assert that you don’t want them to come closer. And you do certainly do not want them right up next to you and in your space.

Candice Wu 14:24

So that’s a challenge for me and as I’ve worked with it, it already helped me feel stronger in myself, along with that is not moving. If the horse gets you to move your feet or move around, then that horse is in a leadership position to you. And so they know they can move you and get you to move by just walking towards you or getting in your space.

Candice Wu 14:56

Well, that’s not going to work in terms of being a leader with horses and wanting to collaborate with them. So standing my ground, and being very conscious of where my body is, where their body is, and how to use my energy and the tools that I have, I can use like a carrot stick, it’s like a stick with a string on it to extend my body kind of like a tail or a longer arm, holding my ground, standing there and being solid. Of course, I’ve learned to do that in Yoga, like Tadasana standing there or being in opposed. But it’s completely different for me when a large animal that’s extremely powerful, is coming at me.

Candice Wu 15:46

So with that, it also helped me release a lot of self-consciousness and be even more present with myself and accepting of myself just being here. And that’s something I’m taking into my life in a whole host of ways. Maybe you can even hear it in my voice right now. And I wanted to offer that to you today. Because it’s such an interesting thing to play with, with humans walking down the street, it’s not.

Candice Wu 16:17

Maybe what we want to be doing is making everyone move out of our way. But are you someone that lets everyone move you? And do you walk around everyone? Or do you bend to what they want and forget about your own intention or desire? Or do you not even know your own intention or desire. That’s been a challenge for me, when I meet up with a strong personality or perhaps the authority, and I accommodate to them and shapeshift and move around so that I can manage how I’m going to feel if they react if I choose my own intentions. And if they’re not favorable to this person, then there could be a reaction that I don’t like, and then I could have a reaction to that.

Candice Wu 17:08

So it’s really about managing other people’s feelings to manage my own feelings. And that’s something I’ve worked with so that I can be, we can coexist, and I can have my intentions and others can have theirs, and that is true harmony.

Candice Wu 17:29

Where are you with this? Is this interesting to you? And do you have the experience of wanting to either bend more and be more flexible and accommodating or to stand your ground more? And even imagine a horse coming at you and standing your ground and telling them no, move, don’t come close.

Candice Wu 17:50

There’s no right or wrong. And there’s no best way it’s really about where you’re at, and what you want to learn next. And it’s not just with boundaries, that applies to its everything. Every skill and tool that we have that people say, “Oh, you should be this way”, or “You should learn that. You know, you shouldn’t?” Yeah, it’s only if you want to, it’s only for your learning and your growth. And you, as an evolving human being, what you want to be doing here, and what tool you feel like you want to expand into or what way of being do you want to try so that you can expand? What do you want to expand? It’s completely your choice.

Candice Wu 18:38

So working with horses is bringing me that to that choice as well. Being clear on what I desire, what I intend to do. And I mean that in a big way, like in life, but also in a moment where I’m coming out with a bucket of food. And I see a horse coming at me and I need to place this food in this stable and not have this horse come near me. What is my intention? And do I bend and get afraid? Take a different direction if I see this horse coming at me? Or do I say no, please stay over there and keep going?

Candice Wu 19:19

So I hope that’s interesting for you. I also want to talk about how I’ve been treating myself with just a lot of acceptance and acknowledgment that I’m very new at this and letting myself go one step at a time, loving myself through the whole process and seeing what comes up. I can tend to put a lot of pressure on myself in situations where I really want to be good at something. And I feel like I should already be good at it. And it’s that passion mixed with some old perfectionism that makes me get hard on myself or feel ashamed if I did it, “right or wrong”.

Candice Wu 20:09

And I’m really learning that’s just not helpful and to shed and release those feelings. Because there’s just so much that can happen with horses. And I just, I don’t want to go there anymore. I don’t want to be mean to myself, there’s no point.

Candice Wu 20:29

One of my healers was working with me on this and she was like, be crap at this, just let yourself be crap at it. Which is funny because I’m shoveling poop every day. Is it mine? Yes, there’s some of mine that I’m clearing out. And I’m aware of that too. Like, what am I releasing and getting rid of? What’s the shit that’s been in the corner. And a lot of that’s clearing out here, in this experience.

Candice Wu 21:02

Another aspect of myself that I have been working with while I’ve been here, and while I’ve arrived is being assertive. I grew up in co-dependent relationships and therefore expect certain things of others. And that can just come out here and there. And luckily, I can see it happening.

Candice Wu 21:27

So when I arrived, there were some basic things that weren’t just given to me and offered to me easily the way that I might welcome someone to my home and hope that they feel comfortable. I had to ask for a towel, and I had to ask for toilet paper. And at first I was like: “Oh, am I going to be too much?” Or: “How is this going to be if I’m constantly asking for things, there are so many things I need. And these are just the basics.” But I released that voice and said: “No, this is quite reasonable to ask!” And let go of some of the expectation that I had on my host to be that offering that she didn’t need to be.

Candice Wu 22:20

And I’m very well capable of asking for things myself, and was I expecting some mothering. And I absolutely was. I wanted to feel that comfort of someone taking care of me, especially since I’m living in their space. And this is a completely unfamiliar space and experience. And I’m going to be interacting with this person, I really wanted that mothering. But I can do that for myself, I can mother myself and I can put my assertive hat on and ask for that toilet paper when it’s not there. So it’s really clear to me that when I’m frustrated, or getting into a mode where I want to complain about someone or some situation, if I’m unhappy with a circumstance, that’s an opportunity to go inside of myself, and notice my reaction of course and accept it, allow it. And that allowing gives way to see if there’s a place inside myself to find a solution, to comfort myself or to do something that can support me on the inside or maybe it’s doing something on the outside like asking or reaching out.

Candice Wu 23:39

So is this resonating for you? Do you have a place in your life where you want or need to put your assertive hat on, and to take proactive steps around something where you might be waiting for someone else to do it or just dwelling or sitting in your circumstances without creating an active change, whether that’s inside your heart or in your outer circumstances.

Candice Wu 24:15

Let yourself be curious with that and find some play, playfulness with it so that you can see yourself as this human who’s learning and finding their way. Exploring a different way to be in the world and to show up differently, or to show up as more of yourself. It’s all learning.

Candice Wu 24:40

So for me, this assertiveness shifts some of the old habits of co-dependency of relying on people to do things for me and me doing things for them. But it gives a very clear boundary and autonomy that I can do for myself what I need and reach out for what I need. And I don’t depend on other people to just know or to take care of my emotions, I can do that.

Candice Wu 25:10

Now, this is not to say that I do it all alone, because I certainly have friends and family and healing coaches and healers that I work with, that continue to give me support. And that’s a planned time or that’s when I need to reach out and I know to do that. But, this is definitely a challenge I want to give myself is to see how I can find a different support within myself, a love within myself that’s even stronger and more powerful. So that I can move about the world in a way that feels even more like myself, and even more full in myself.

Candice Wu 26:01

So with all that said, I continue on here. I’ve had moments of loneliness and recognize that’s part of my younger child perhaps or other parts of me that are having different feelings and work with those parts of me. And I’m learning so much about being with horses, and how to be responsive, respectful, and take responsibility for them and their safety so that they can be in a space that they can learn, and that I can learn.

Candice Wu 26:45

So I’m still getting to know the space here, getting to know the horses, getting to know my host and her family and getting to understand and work with my own schedule. As far as when I’m seeing clients and when I’m podcasting and doing other things.

Candice Wu 27:05

The funniest thing is when a horse just clunks on by right past the window, as I’m having a session. I haven’t necessarily told my clients when that happens. But, it’s quite amusing to me to see that in the periphery. And I’m just adjusting here and it’s all new. And if you are interested in hearing more, I hope to be sharing more of these Alive Now podcasts and will be sharing bits and pieces at the front end of each podcast that’s coming forward.

Candice Wu 27:40

And today, I’ll just leave you with a little story of a time where I had to be very kind to myself, and just laugh at myself to take in the learning. It’s pretty much horsemanship 101 or courses 101.

Candice Wu 28:02

Don’t walk outside from the house with two buckets of food. No way to protect yourself like no carrot stick, no anything and not know where the horses are around you. Because they can walk right up to the house. They’re free and at liberty. Yeah, don’t do that.

Candice Wu 28:25

So I did that. And yeah, one of the horses came right towards me, and there wasn’t any choice. Safety always comes first. And my host was shouting, “Put one bucket down! Just one bucket!”. And I couldn’t take it all in, I got overwhelmed. So my body kind of froze, and I just stood there as this horse is coming at me. Because she wasn’t coming at me like charging or anything. But she was walking towards me and knew I had food.

Candice Wu 29:05

So finally I put one down. And of course, she was eating it. And I was meant to put the other one in one of the other horse’s stalls. And I hesitated because I’m like, I don’t want to put this down, she’s going to eat it. But finally, I did because I heard my host saying it out loud over and over until I did it. And managed to take care of the rest of the situation.

Candice Wu 29:30

But yeah, boy did I learned my lesson to observe first and get a handle on what’s going on outside, have some ability to expand my territory and my space so that the horses don’t get near using the carrot stick and only come out with one bucket. Just one, don’t bite off more than you can chew Candice.

Candice Wu 29:59

And that does reflect my life, I tend to take on more than what might be comfortable. I can try to achieve a lot at once. And I have a little bit of impatience with it. So I’m learning that patience.

Candice Wu 30:14

And that one bite at a time experience. What a concept, right? It’s something we hear all the time, but when it truly has consequences that are potentially dangerous.

Candice Wu 30:31

There’s this other horse that would have plowed me right over especially because I don’t know her, just because she loves food and would have just like, run right towards me. Luckily, she wasn’t in that vicinity. But when things have real consequence, and direct consequence like that, I learned very quickly, let’s just say.

Candice Wu 30:55

So I’m really grateful for this experience. And it’s continuing to be challenging, and very rewarding. And I think I’ll stick it out.

Candice Wu 31:06

So that’s the end for today. Well, I hope that you got something out of this. And I thank you for joining in and listening. And I hope you got a laugh out of it as well. I’m certainly laughing at myself and trying to keep that amusement going.

Candice Wu 31:23

I’m always curious about hearing your thoughts and if you have questions, comments, feedback, or anything, so feel free to reach out to me, you can find me at CandiceWu.com and tune in next week for even more of what’s happening here. And I’m sure I will have lots more to share about places I’ve messed up and what’s happened or the learning I’m having, and the challenges and the growth.

Candice Wu 31:58

So take care and I appreciate that you tuned in and listened to this Alive Now moment. I hope you’re feeling alive in yourself or moving towards what makes you feel alive.

Candice Wu 32:12

If you’re interested in seeing some pictures or hearing even more personal bits of what’s happening, I share those in my newsletter that goes out every other week. So you can connect with my newsletter at CandiceWu.com/embody and sign up there.

Candice Wu 32:30

And also check out the other podcasts at CandiceWu.com/podcast. And I would love your support on Patreon. If you like this podcast, if you find it interesting or enjoy what I’m putting out there, it would be such a great honor if you would like to contribute to Patreon. There are a couple of gifts there as well, and exchanges, that you can find there where you can receive meditations or be part of the embodied group call that happens every month.

Candice Wu 33:04

All of the money on Patreon goes straight to the production of this podcast as well as videos that I’m putting out, all the free content that goes out. So I thank you very much for considering that and it goes a long way, any little bit.

Candice Wu 33:21

So let’s end today with a quote that resonates very deeply with me about why I’m here working with horses. It’s by Eckhart Tolle, and he says, “We are here to find that dimension within ourselves. That is deeper than thought.” Thanks again for tuning in and I’ll see you next week on the Embody Podcast.