Candice Wu 0:00

This episode is a{Live} now where I talk about my first couple of days being in Ireland working on a horse farm. Tune in to hear all about the challenges and the growth that I’m experiencing, as well as themes that are coming up that you can explore yourself, including working with boundaries, loving yourself and being playful with yourself, releasing codependency, putting on your assertive hat and clarity of intention.

Candice Wu 0:34

Hello and welcome. You’re listening to the Embody Podcast. A show about remembering and embodying your true nature, inner wisdom, embodied healing, and self-love.

Candice Wu 0:48

My name is Candice Wu and I’m a holistic healing facilitator, intuitive coach, and artist sharing my personal journey of vulnerability, offering meditations and guided healing support, having Co-Creative Conversations with healers and wellness practitioners from all over the world.

Candice Wu 1:09

Wow, it has been some time since I got to share with you what I’ve been doing. And I am absolutely in a whole other world.

Candice Wu 1:19

Hello, welcome back. It’s good to have you here today. And I want to just share with you what’s going on right now, which is why this episode is titled Alive Now. It’s what I’m going through or experiencing, what my thoughts and feelings are about what’s happening right here and now, without planning and more unfiltered than the other podcasts where I’m more organized and cohesive around a theme.

Candice Wu 1:50

So, a{Live} now, I love it because it’s just touching into the vulnerability of the moment. And what’s truly alive now, which gives us life which makes us feel that we’re alive. And here it is, it’s live.

Candice Wu 2:07

So if you have been listening and then you know that I’m in Ireland, and it’s cold here, it snowed yesterday, the day before that, it poured rain, it’s extremely muddy everywhere. Thank goodness, the person I’m staying with has let me borrow some rain boots because it is mucky. And sometimes they step into mud and I’m practically knee deep.

Candice Wu 2:31

So you’re probably wondering why it’s so muddy and I’m talking about the weather so much because I am living on a farm with four horses. I’m staying with a woman who needs the help, because she works, sometimes nights and sometimes days, but works often and her children have grown up and are doing their own thing.

Candice Wu 2:56

So I’m here to tend to the horses, which involves feeding them, cleaning out their stalls, yes, cleaning poop, and whatever else got in that stall and bringing them in and out of their stable so that they can be in the field and the arena that they have here, every day.

Candice Wu 3:19

I had no idea what this would be like. And as I got here, the first night I didn’t get to meet the horses because it was dark and it was just pretty much time to go to sleep. Well that night, I was like what have I gotten myself into? I want to go home and I was pretty serious. But something inside me, a deeper voice said: “No, Candice, you know why you’re here, you’re here for a reason. You want to learn, and you want to learn how to be with horses in a very respectful and collaborative way. And this person, this host that you have here is going to teach you.” And this is now a couple of days in, about 5 days in, and that has been very true.

Candice Wu 4:09

My host is someone who has worked with horses for a long time and had her own horses. And she learned natural horsemanship. And what she says now is that she responds to the horses and the horses teach her instead of learning from anyone else that’s teaching horsemanship. She’s learning from her horses. She’s taking in the information about how her horse is responding, what they need to learn, how they’re reacting, and being responsive to them, so that they can learn and grow alongside her.

Candice Wu 4:46

I am on the northwest part of Ireland. And bearing this weather was one of the hardest things for me, because the room I’m staying in is the coldest room of the whole house. And sleep is one of my biggest challenges anyway, and when I’m just way too cold, I pull the covers over my head, and then I get too hot and it’s just this kind of battle back and forth. But now that I’m in several days, I’m much more comfortable. I made the space so that it feels a little more like my own. I have racks that I travel with, some crystals and some essential oils and some gifts from friends. So that all helps me feel a little more grounded, and comforted.

Candice Wu 5:38

I’m used to traveling to different spaces, as you know, this year, I’ve been traveling a lot. But I did travel with my partner. And also I chose the spaces that I was going to stay in, we chose those spaces together, and that brought a lot of comfort. I had a lot more control, even though there were so many things I couldn’t control.

Candice Wu 5:59

But coming into this space, it was kind of alarming. I am not used to being in a farmhouse, and one where there’s so much mud and horse poop just tracking in and out and using a coal fire to heat up the house, which I have some conflict with but it’s also keeping me warm so it’s an interesting experience.

Candice Wu 6:32

As you can hear, one of my challenges here is releasing my reliance on comforts. I think it’s so normal as humans to have things that make you feel comfortable that you rely on, and that you count on day to day to make you feel like you can get through life.

Candice Wu 6:52

Life is hard sometimes and we need those things. And as I got here, I felt very stripped off them. Even the most basic things I had to come to terms with. And as I do that, I remind myself why I came to begin with, which is to learn to work with horses, and also to grow on the inside to strengthen myself so that I feel actually a complete inner freedom.

Candice Wu 7:29

And it’s kind of a lot to ask for. But I want it and this whole year has been layer after layer of gaining more inner freedom. And what I mean is releasing more attachments, releasing more belief sets that are outdated and don’t make sense anymore.

Candice Wu 7:49

And now, it’s also to feel that I can love myself through the challenging moments, I can be with myself when I feel very alone. And if tough experiences happen, I can be that advocate and loving compassion for myself. I know that it’s important to reach out for help and support when you need it. And to be able to do that as a skill in itself, something that I’ve learned and been able to do quite well in the last several years.

Candice Wu 8:18

So now my learning is different. It’s to release any extra little tangled up dependencies on others, where I actually can, just pause and take care of myself. I can pause and see what on the inside is happening? And what do I need? And how can I stay with myself and provide myself what I need? How can I be a leader within myself, so that I can actually lead in my life?

Candice Wu 8:52

And here, in my experience to live with the horses, it’s especially challenging when I’ve experienced trauma as a child, where I had disruptions with attachment, with attaching to my parents, and feeling that love and security and safety. So as I travel and as I come here to this space, I feel again more layers of the need for safety, the need for comfort, and the experience of wanting it to come from the outside.

Candice Wu 9:29

But then pulling back and feeling the strength in me, the parts of me that are my inner parent and inner lover that can give me that kind of safety and support that I need. And alongside it, I’ve been just reminding myself that I’m alive, I’m breathing, my body’s here, I’m safe.

Candice Wu 9:52

And thinking back to some of the comforts that I had, even a couple of weeks ago, being in Germany, with my partner and his family, and talking with friends and just drawing in experiences that remind me of safety and remind me of comfort. How simple it is to be able to just remind ourselves that we’re safe right now. Physically, may or may not be emotionally but physically, we’re safe and we can breathe. We’re alive.

Candice Wu 10:34

Of course, not everyone is, but my guess is if you’re listening to this podcast that you are.

Candice Wu 10:40

So wanted to offer that and what I’m going through and talk a little bit about how it’s been here otherwise, other than that initial reaction of wanting to go home, and some of the learning that I’ve had.

Candice Wu 10:58

Well the day after I arrived, I was able to witness my host be with all four horses and those horses or led into the arena. And I watched them play out their dominance game with each other of who was going to be the leader. And what hierarchy was this herd going to be in, and how are they going to interact with each other. And watching the alpha horse, maintain his space, keep his boundaries and tell the other horses to move out of his way and to back away when he wanted them to or to move when he wanted them to.

Candice Wu 11:40

So this is really interesting, I really need to work on my boundaries, I have worked on them with asserting my boundaries in terms of like what I need or want or what I, you know where my limits are with people, that’s something I’ve learned my entire life. I feel like I am finally I’m in a place where that feels manageable and there’s still some stretching to do. But here I’m feeling really challenged, because spatial boundaries are part of that spatial and energetic boundaries.

Candice Wu 12:23

And I’ve been asked by my host to start there at the very basic with the horses is to keep my boundaries, my physical boundary of having at least two horse spaces between me and the horses so that I can get accustomed to them, they can get accustomed to me as a leader. And so the alpha horse doesn’t let anyone in his space if he doesn’t want them there. And that’s something, being a leader of horses is necessary to do so that they respect your space, and don’t just plow over you. And so that you can establish a leadership role.

Candice Wu 13:01

So that’s just what I’ve been learning. And if you are working with horses, you may have a different way. I’m just a baby in this, I’m just getting to know this from scratch really, because what I have learned from other people really doesn’t seem to fit into the scope of what I’m learning here where we’re going very slowly and foundationally so that we don’t have to hit a horse or kick them or use harsh methods to ask them to respond because we only traumatize them and numb them. But we’re asking them to respond with a sensitive cue and pressure and the release of pressure to show them that they found the right solution, what we were asking of them.

Candice Wu 13:58

So that’s kind of going to down the rabbit hole of working with horses, at least from what I’m learning right now. But coming back to boundaries, it’s not easy. When a horse is walking right at you to assert that you don’t want them to come closer. And you do certainly do not want them right up next to you and in your space.

Candice Wu 14:24

So that’s a challenge for me and as I’ve worked with it, it already helped me feel stronger in myself, along with that is not moving. If the horse gets you to move your feet or move around, then that horse is in a leadership position to you. And so they know they can move you and get you to move by just walking towards you or getting in your space.

Candice Wu 14:56

Well, that’s not going to work in terms of being a leader with horses and wanting to collaborate with them. So standing my ground, and being very conscious of where my body is, where their body is, and how to use my energy and the tools that I have, I can use like a carrot stick, it’s like a stick with a string on it to extend my body kind of like a tail or a longer arm, holding my ground, standing there and being solid. Of course, I’ve learned to do that in Yoga, like Tadasana standing there or being in opposed. But it’s completely different for me when a large animal that’s extremely powerful, is coming at me.

Candice Wu 15:46

So with that, it also helped me release a lot of self-consciousness and be even more present with myself and accepting of myself just being here. And that’s something I’m taking into my life in a whole host of ways. Maybe you can even hear it in my voice right now. And I wanted to offer that to you today. Because it’s such an interesting thing to play with, with humans walking down the street, it’s not.

Candice Wu 16:17

Maybe what we want to be doing is making everyone move out of our way. But are you someone that lets everyone move you? And do you walk around everyone? Or do you bend to what they want and forget about your own intention or desire? Or do you not even know your own intention or desire. That’s been a challenge for me, when I meet up with a strong personality or perhaps the authority, and I accommodate to them and shapeshift and move around so that I can manage how I’m going to feel if they react if I choose my own intentions. And if they’re not favorable to this person, then there could be a reaction that I don’t like, and then I could have a reaction to that.

Candice Wu 17:08

So it’s really about managing other people’s feelings to manage my own feelings. And that’s something I’ve worked with so that I can be, we can coexist, and I can have my intentions and others can have theirs, and that is true harmony.

Candice Wu 17:29

Where are you with this? Is this interesting to you? And do you have the experience of wanting to either bend more and be more flexible and accommodating or to stand your ground more? And even imagine a horse coming at you and standing your ground and telling them no, move, don’t come close.

Candice Wu 17:50

There’s no right or wrong. And there’s no best way it’s really about where you’re at, and what you want to learn next. And it’s not just with boundaries, that applies to its everything. Every skill and tool that we have that people say, “Oh, you should be this way”, or “You should learn that. You know, you shouldn’t?” Yeah, it’s only if you want to, it’s only for your learning and your growth. And you, as an evolving human being, what you want to be doing here, and what tool you feel like you want to expand into or what way of being do you want to try so that you can expand? What do you want to expand? It’s completely your choice.

Candice Wu 18:38

So working with horses is bringing me that to that choice as well. Being clear on what I desire, what I intend to do. And I mean that in a big way, like in life, but also in a moment where I’m coming out with a bucket of food. And I see a horse coming at me and I need to place this food in this stable and not have this horse come near me. What is my intention? And do I bend and get afraid? Take a different direction if I see this horse coming at me? Or do I say no, please stay over there and keep going?

Candice Wu 19:19

So I hope that’s interesting for you. I also want to talk about how I’ve been treating myself with just a lot of acceptance and acknowledgment that I’m very new at this and letting myself go one step at a time, loving myself through the whole process and seeing what comes up. I can tend to put a lot of pressure on myself in situations where I really want to be good at something. And I feel like I should already be good at it. And it’s that passion mixed with some old perfectionism that makes me get hard on myself or feel ashamed if I did it, “right or wrong”.

Candice Wu 20:09

And I’m really learning that’s just not helpful and to shed and release those feelings. Because there’s just so much that can happen with horses. And I just, I don’t want to go there anymore. I don’t want to be mean to myself, there’s no point.

Candice Wu 20:29

One of my healers was working with me on this and she was like, be crap at this, just let yourself be crap at it. Which is funny because I’m shoveling poop every day. Is it mine? Yes, there’s some of mine that I’m clearing out. And I’m aware of that too. Like, what am I releasing and getting rid of? What’s the shit that’s been in the corner. And a lot of that’s clearing out here, in this experience.

Candice Wu 21:02

Another aspect of myself that I have been working with while I’ve been here, and while I’ve arrived is being assertive. I grew up in co-dependent relationships and therefore expect certain things of others. And that can just come out here and there. And luckily, I can see it happening.

Candice Wu 21:27

So when I arrived, there were some basic things that weren’t just given to me and offered to me easily the way that I might welcome someone to my home and hope that they feel comfortable. I had to ask for a towel, and I had to ask for toilet paper. And at first I was like: “Oh, am I going to be too much?” Or: “How is this going to be if I’m constantly asking for things, there are so many things I need. And these are just the basics.” But I released that voice and said: “No, this is quite reasonable to ask!” And let go of some of the expectation that I had on my host to be that offering that she didn’t need to be.

Candice Wu 22:20

And I’m very well capable of asking for things myself, and was I expecting some mothering. And I absolutely was. I wanted to feel that comfort of someone taking care of me, especially since I’m living in their space. And this is a completely unfamiliar space and experience. And I’m going to be interacting with this person, I really wanted that mothering. But I can do that for myself, I can mother myself and I can put my assertive hat on and ask for that toilet paper when it’s not there. So it’s really clear to me that when I’m frustrated, or getting into a mode where I want to complain about someone or some situation, if I’m unhappy with a circumstance, that’s an opportunity to go inside of myself, and notice my reaction of course and accept it, allow it. And that allowing gives way to see if there’s a place inside myself to find a solution, to comfort myself or to do something that can support me on the inside or maybe it’s doing something on the outside like asking or reaching out.

Candice Wu 23:39

So is this resonating for you? Do you have a place in your life where you want or need to put your assertive hat on, and to take proactive steps around something where you might be waiting for someone else to do it or just dwelling or sitting in your circumstances without creating an active change, whether that’s inside your heart or in your outer circumstances.

Candice Wu 24:15

Let yourself be curious with that and find some play, playfulness with it so that you can see yourself as this human who’s learning and finding their way. Exploring a different way to be in the world and to show up differently, or to show up as more of yourself. It’s all learning.

Candice Wu 24:40

So for me, this assertiveness shifts some of the old habits of co-dependency of relying on people to do things for me and me doing things for them. But it gives a very clear boundary and autonomy that I can do for myself what I need and reach out for what I need. And I don’t depend on other people to just know or to take care of my emotions, I can do that.

Candice Wu 25:10

Now, this is not to say that I do it all alone, because I certainly have friends and family and healing coaches and healers that I work with, that continue to give me support. And that’s a planned time or that’s when I need to reach out and I know to do that. But, this is definitely a challenge I want to give myself is to see how I can find a different support within myself, a love within myself that’s even stronger and more powerful. So that I can move about the world in a way that feels even more like myself, and even more full in myself.

Candice Wu 26:01

So with all that said, I continue on here. I’ve had moments of loneliness and recognize that’s part of my younger child perhaps or other parts of me that are having different feelings and work with those parts of me. And I’m learning so much about being with horses, and how to be responsive, respectful, and take responsibility for them and their safety so that they can be in a space that they can learn, and that I can learn.

Candice Wu 26:45

So I’m still getting to know the space here, getting to know the horses, getting to know my host and her family and getting to understand and work with my own schedule. As far as when I’m seeing clients and when I’m podcasting and doing other things.

Candice Wu 27:05

The funniest thing is when a horse just clunks on by right past the window, as I’m having a session. I haven’t necessarily told my clients when that happens. But, it’s quite amusing to me to see that in the periphery. And I’m just adjusting here and it’s all new. And if you are interested in hearing more, I hope to be sharing more of these Alive Now podcasts and will be sharing bits and pieces at the front end of each podcast that’s coming forward.

Candice Wu 27:40

And today, I’ll just leave you with a little story of a time where I had to be very kind to myself, and just laugh at myself to take in the learning. It’s pretty much horsemanship 101 or courses 101.

Candice Wu 28:02

Don’t walk outside from the house with two buckets of food. No way to protect yourself like no carrot stick, no anything and not know where the horses are around you. Because they can walk right up to the house. They’re free and at liberty. Yeah, don’t do that.

Candice Wu 28:25

So I did that. And yeah, one of the horses came right towards me, and there wasn’t any choice. Safety always comes first. And my host was shouting, “Put one bucket down! Just one bucket!”. And I couldn’t take it all in, I got overwhelmed. So my body kind of froze, and I just stood there as this horse is coming at me. Because she wasn’t coming at me like charging or anything. But she was walking towards me and knew I had food.

Candice Wu 29:05

So finally I put one down. And of course, she was eating it. And I was meant to put the other one in one of the other horse’s stalls. And I hesitated because I’m like, I don’t want to put this down, she’s going to eat it. But finally, I did because I heard my host saying it out loud over and over until I did it. And managed to take care of the rest of the situation.

Candice Wu 29:30

But yeah, boy did I learned my lesson to observe first and get a handle on what’s going on outside, have some ability to expand my territory and my space so that the horses don’t get near using the carrot stick and only come out with one bucket. Just one, don’t bite off more than you can chew Candice.

Candice Wu 29:59

And that does reflect my life, I tend to take on more than what might be comfortable. I can try to achieve a lot at once. And I have a little bit of impatience with it. So I’m learning that patience.

Candice Wu 30:14

And that one bite at a time experience. What a concept, right? It’s something we hear all the time, but when it truly has consequences that are potentially dangerous.

Candice Wu 30:31

There’s this other horse that would have plowed me right over especially because I don’t know her, just because she loves food and would have just like, run right towards me. Luckily, she wasn’t in that vicinity. But when things have real consequence, and direct consequence like that, I learned very quickly, let’s just say.

Candice Wu 30:55

So I’m really grateful for this experience. And it’s continuing to be challenging, and very rewarding. And I think I’ll stick it out.

Candice Wu 31:06

So that’s the end for today. Well, I hope that you got something out of this. And I thank you for joining in and listening. And I hope you got a laugh out of it as well. I’m certainly laughing at myself and trying to keep that amusement going.

Candice Wu 31:23

I’m always curious about hearing your thoughts and if you have questions, comments, feedback, or anything, so feel free to reach out to me, you can find me at CandiceWu.com and tune in next week for even more of what’s happening here. And I’m sure I will have lots more to share about places I’ve messed up and what’s happened or the learning I’m having, and the challenges and the growth.

Candice Wu 31:58

So take care and I appreciate that you tuned in and listened to this Alive Now moment. I hope you’re feeling alive in yourself or moving towards what makes you feel alive.

Candice Wu 32:12

If you’re interested in seeing some pictures or hearing even more personal bits of what’s happening, I share those in my newsletter that goes out every other week. So you can connect with my newsletter at CandiceWu.com/embody and sign up there.

Candice Wu 32:30

And also check out the other podcasts at CandiceWu.com/podcast. And I would love your support on Patreon. If you like this podcast, if you find it interesting or enjoy what I’m putting out there, it would be such a great honor if you would like to contribute to Patreon. There are a couple of gifts there as well, and exchanges, that you can find there where you can receive meditations or be part of the embodied group call that happens every month.

Candice Wu 33:04

All of the money on Patreon goes straight to the production of this podcast as well as videos that I’m putting out, all the free content that goes out. So I thank you very much for considering that and it goes a long way, any little bit.

Candice Wu 33:21

So let’s end today with a quote that resonates very deeply with me about why I’m here working with horses. It’s by Eckhart Tolle, and he says, “We are here to find that dimension within ourselves. That is deeper than thought.” Thanks again for tuning in and I’ll see you next week on the Embody Podcast.