Candice Wu 0:00
This episode is brought to you from the Pacific Ocean in Mexico, and we're touching in on self-betrayal and protection today, as well as forgiving yourself, acceptance, and more than acceptance, loving yourself in every moment that you're experiencing. So a little meditation to support you in that.

Hello and welcome. You're listening to the Embody Podcast, a show about remembering and embodying your true nature, inner wisdom, Embodied Healing, and self-love. My name is Candice Wu, and I'm a holistic healing facilitator, intuitive coach, and artist sharing my personal journey of vulnerability, offering meditations and guided healing support, and having co-creative conversations with healers and wellness practitioners from all over over the world.

I know I said I was taking a hiatus from the podcast, but I don't know, when it feels good, it feels good. So I'm just going to go with that.

And that's really the topic of today. How we can truly listen to what our body, hearts, what our deeper selves need and want, and how to be in full loving acceptance of who we are, and more than acceptance, loving yourself, being attracted to yourself, desiring whatever it is you're experiencing to be held in its full. And for me that required self-forgiveness.

Forgiving myself for judging my experience. Noticing the self-criticism or the self-blame, or the self-betrayal. There are places that we betray ourselves.

Self-betrayal is, in a way, splitting yourself off in two parts.

One part of you wants something and the other part says, “No, we're doing something else.”

And how do you reconcile that, and it's not in agreement, it's taking one over the other? It's not a mutual agreement of, “Okay, well, this is better because”, it's where we ignore or dismiss or avoid one part of ourselves or hide. And, we let another part override to protect us, to give us something we need, perhaps, or we think we need, what we have needed in lieu of the other.

So places where we dismiss what we feel. We don't hold our own experience. Places where we please others and accommodate others and put ourselves last or sacrifice what we might need or want in that moment.

Places where we don't even ask ourselves what we want and we just go on automatic. Where we think what we want or need is stupid, cheesy or ridiculous, childish. Where we judge ourselves or where we have an intuition about something and we ignore it.

And so when we say self-betrayal, it comes with some blame.

So I like to draw towards the sense of protection, how is this behavior protecting you or giving you something you need? And when you sense these things for you, what does it feel like in your body?

So let's take a little time here today, together, to touch into some self-loving and bring forgiveness in, to soften.

So I invite you to be in a comfortable place, and before you get even more comfortable, let your body move a little bit in any way or give yourself some touch with the approach that you're supporting your body here and also with discovering what might be unknown in your experience, unknown in the corners of your joints.

Just allow yourself to notice whatever it is you notice inside or outside of you, including the waves crashing in our surroundings here.

Let the ocean bring mystery, the sense of mystery into discovering what's here for you today. The mystery of this moment. The mystery of life and what's revealing and evolving. The mystery that may be living within your emotions or your body's sensations.

And as you come to a comfortable place to sit or lie down or be, let your body be in whatever position it wants to be in.

And as you hear the waves crashing and moving, let that wash away the day so far, let it softly release your attention on all of the outer worlds, especially all that's going on in the periphery, in the collective.

And whatever part of you that has your attention on the collective experience or the trip to the grocery store, or anything that's more on the periphery, draw that energy and awareness back to yourself to your body right now, and let the ocean waves just wash away what belongs to other people.

Let the ocean waves wash away anything that's closer in proximity to you, in your relationships around you, in your surroundings, just letting it release your tension on, all of those things, letting the stress just wash away, drawing your energy towards you here.

Start to feel the energy and space right around your body. Imagine the ocean breeze sweeping across your body, releasing you of any expectations on yourself from the outer worlds. Any pressures or expectations from inside of yourself to yourself. Letting this be a time where you expect nothing from yourself and your body.

Notice any subtle sensations inside your body, in your energy fields. Imagine the energy of loving surrounding you, that may be a color of light, any color that suits you right now. That may be a sense of loving, compassionate presence with yourself. Just turn on that vibration or switch. The sense of being with whatever is here, being present with yourself, no matter what's happening and allowing all of it to continue to happen.

Begin to feel deeper into your body. Notice your heart. Notice the edges of your heart where they touch. The tissues of the body and other organs.

Notice lower into your body into the hips, into the belly, and all the way into the legs and the feet.

Anchor yourself to any pleasant or neutral sensation in the body.

And if you'd like to, I invite you to notice any places in your life, in your experience, where you betray yourself.

Notice any place you don't listen to yourself or you ignore what you know.

Then begin to feel what happens in your body as you're aware of that.

Notice any effect it has when you choose something other than what you know is right for you and witness all this with love, with a sense of neutrality and presence without any judgment.

And I invite you to forgive yourself for any judgment you have. For any self-betrayal, any ignoring or dismissing what you need, desire, or know.

The energy of forgiveness rushes through your body and hold every single cell of your body.

Let yourself acknowledge that whatever it is that you have chosen, you're able to make changes moving forward. And you may have needed to explore whatever that situation was in order to learn something or see something.

Just be with whatever you feel inside. Whatever you're aware of inside with your presence. Being with it 100% without changing it at all.

And whatever you feel inside, go deeper and deeper into the sensation, into your energy, and go even deeper. And when you feel like you've gone deep enough, go even deeper. Just letting your body digest whatever it is you're feeling and any energy that's moving in your body, any sensation is letting it move on its own.

I forgive myself for judging myself.

I forgive myself for judging myself for…

You can fill in the blank with anything that you've been hard on yourself about.

Take your own time, just being with yourself as long as you want to. And whenever you're ready to let your awareness come to the outer level of your body, the skin, begin to notice your surroundings even if your eyes are closed, and that's your own body's pace.

Let yourself move or stretch or be in any way that your body would like to be, following your own instinct, your own impulse. Being with yourself as you are.

And as we close this experience today, I'm watching about eight pelicans fly by in sync with each other across the water. They look very peaceful.

And just wishing you for your week, all the loving presence with yourself, and to be a little less hard on yourself if you are hard on yourself for anything you're experiencing. That's one way we can take a step towards self-loving and shift from self-betrayal is to just be with whatever's here. Love yourself by being present with your experience.

Wishing you all well, and see you next time on the Embody Podcast.

Candice Wu 0:00

In this episode, I talked very personally and vulnerable about my horse adventure that continues, why and how I left Ireland in January, when I left the horse farm, as well as what’s happening now in the horse world and what’s happening in my relational world.

Candice Wu 0:19

Hello and welcome. You’re listening to the Embody Podcast, a show about remembering and embodying your true nature, inner wisdom, embodied healing, and self-love.

Candice Wu 0:32

My name is Candice Wu. And I’m a holistic healing facilitator, intuitive coach, and artist sharing my personal journey of vulnerability, offering meditations and guided healing support, and having co-creative conversations with healers and wellness practitioners from all over the world.

Candice Wu 0:54

Welcome back, everyone. It’s great to have you here. This is an a{Live} now now episode. I started this because I wanted to talk about what’s alive now in me, and what often fueled conversations with others or synchronize with what other people were experiencing.

Candice Wu 1:11

So, I’ve fallen a bit behind the last time I did an a{Live} now episode was about lessons from horses, boundaries, and my new Assertive Hat Episode 57. So you can find that at CandiceWu.com/ep57 or CandiceWu.com/horselifeireland.

Candice Wu 1:31

And this is where I talked about some of my experiences when I was in Ireland living on a horse farm. So I was with four horses and living with a host family at the time. And I may have talked about leaving Ireland in a few other podcasts just as an update and how I had arrived back home in Michigan, and I was so happy. And if you are following my newsletters, you probably learned a bit more about the process of me leaving and why and what happened. But I didn’t really go in depth here and talk about it. So I wanted to do that now. And I thought it would be interesting to start off with going back to some of my spoken word, journal podcasts.

Candice Wu 2:13

I haven’t talked about this on the podcast. But during my adventures in Ireland, I started to create a private, spoken word journal, I shared this with a few close people in my life, as well as my family. So they could keep up with the day to day of what was happening with me in Ireland, and that I didn’t have to keep repeating myself. So I realized I was practically speaking into that journal every day. From the time I arrived there January, I think it was 14th to January 26th. And then, a couple of days after that, I left Ireland and I was just so done with the experience, needed to step away and look away, and process it from a different space and not talk about it on that spoken word journal podcast, or on this podcast. So, I just like neglected doing that. And now I want to go back and just fill in those gaps.

Candice Wu 3:10

I’ve heard from someone in particular that they really liked hearing about my horse experiences and my personal life. And they encouraged me to share more about that. So, thank you so much, you know who you are, who has encouraged me to do so. I appreciate you incredibly, and I keep feeling fueled by the inspiration that you get from listening in to what I’m experiencing.

Candice Wu 3:37

And that’s specifically for this listener, but also for all of the rest of you that feel inspired by something or touched by something. I appreciate all the feedback and sharing that happens as a result of these podcasts. And I know many of you don’t share your reactions, maybe you’re worried that there’s a judgment towards me or some feedback or a challenge towards me, I’d love to hear that. Or maybe you just don’t reach out because it takes time and energy and maybe guts or vulnerability. But I appreciate all of you no matter what place you’re at with connecting with me.

Candice Wu 4:18

So just want to thank this listener for encouraging me to speak more vulnerable, share more of my personal life, and to honor the stories that are happening in my life.

Candice Wu 4:30

So let’s go back to January 26th, 2019, where I have this clip for you, which is titled, “Can I do this? Empowering myself to leave”. And then this specific segment is called “Day 12 and still alive”. So you can already feel how I was struggling and trying to get the courage or figure out what’s right for me. So here’s the clip, unedited, pretty raw and without a filter.

Candice Wu 5:06

So I’m still surviving, I’m still committed here, even though it’s been challenging. And I say it this way, because it absolutely has been a debate at times. Just last night, I was preparing myself to leave, if I had to. And, I did have that idea in mind as I came, that I would give myself permission to leave if I needed to. I didn’t want to break a commitment that I’d made. But I felt like if I needed to, then I would have to, to respect myself and honor what I need.

Candice Wu 5:43

And last night it came to a head where I started looking for other places to live and looking at other experiences where it might be a better fit for me. I just felt like, the extreme conditions that I’m enduring, the messiness and dirtiness, everything’s really still very hard for me the bathroom sink, still clogged. And so I have to go to the kitchen to wash my hands where it’s dirty everywhere on the floor, coal and mud and maybe horse poop. Who knows? We mop and about an hour later it’s dirty again. And it’s freezing. And I’m getting adjusted to that. But with that, plus some things that happened with my host. It just felt like if I’m not going to get what I want out of this in terms of learning with the horses, and to feel good through it, to feel ease and joy through that, then it’s not worth being here just to have a place to live, and food for exchange of doing some work. It’s just not worth it.

Candice Wu 6:54

Well, what happened yesterday? At the end of the night, my host, cornered me in the kitchen, and she was a little bit drunk and decided to question me about the learning that I had that day and something that I had done.

Candice Wu 7:11

And what I had done was, when I walked to a certain place near the horse, in the stable, I hesitated. I do have this fear that if I’m walking, the horse isn’t going to respond to me, and I’m going to get met up with resistance. And I’m not going to know what to do. And it will develop a bad habit. And it won’t become this leader that I want to be. That’s a lot of pressure. I know. But, so I walked forward, I didn’t quite know what she was asking of me, which is part of the problem.

Candice Wu 7:50

I don’t think the activity was scaffolded well enough for me. And I thought I knew. But then once I started, it didn’t, it wasn’t clear to me anymore. And so the horse didn’t move. And she said just turn around and walk away. And then she did the exercise. And the horse was even more resistant. Because the horse had learned that if they’re resistant and stay put, then I’m going to walk away and release the energy. That’s the pressure that’s on them. Just by walking towards.

Candice Wu 8:23

Well, she pushed through and managed to get the horse to move with some firm and clear pressure and just waited a little bit of time. But yeah, at the end of the night, it was like 10:30 at night, I was going to get my hot water bottle, ready to go to bed and she corners me and I told her, “Are you asking me right now? I’m about to go to bed.” And she said “Yeah”. And pressured me. And the interesting thing is, I didn’t get all that triggered. I felt like, this is disrespectful. I don’t like this. I could walk away. Or I could answer what do I do?

Candice Wu 9:11

And, I’m somewhat okay with what happened. I ended up answering and kept it very short. And at some point, I made a joke like “Am I dismissed yet?”, which was my signal that I know what you’re doing here. I know that this interaction wasn’t an interaction that was very respectful. And the way I’m being treated is like a young child that I don’t know, who’s getting disciplined or something.

Candice Wu 9:43

And so, that resulted in me feeling like, you know, if I’m going to learn from somebody, it has to be the right teacher. And yes, I can be forgiving, and allow, or recognize that teachers make mistakes. I teach my clients, I teach Yoga, as one of my roles in my healing work. And I’m sure that I make mistakes, or I have different times where there are relational ruptures or misunderstandings, or where I pushed in a way that wasn’t appropriate because of something that was going on for me. And that repair is so important. And I felt like if this isn’t going to get repaired, if I’m not going to feel respected, then I am going to leave.

Candice Wu 10:37

And then here’s a fun little section about me being greedy and looking at my own feelings of feeling enough and doing enough, as experienced through my interactions with the horses. So some things that I learned.

Candice Wu 10:53

So what did I learn today, I learned a lot, just to start with some of the themes of what I learned. I recognize how I’m greedy. And I want more than what’s there. Sometimes I just want more and more. And that showed up in terms of just recognizing that one step is enough, and not asking for three more.

Candice Wu 11:21

So when I’m asking the horse to move, front, backside, or side, just one step and releasing the pressure, turning around and not asking more of the horse is where we’re starting. And not to do that a million times, but once or twice, and that’s it, and then maybe do a little bit of what she calls the friendly game, which is one of the natural horsemanship games of touching the horse in a way that they can still stand still. And feel comfortable and safe and okay with it. So just doing a little bit of that, and then releasing that, and not going for more.

Candice Wu 12:08

And so during the process of me doing some of these exercises, I just noticed how I might go for another step or feel like I want to do it again and again. And that plays out in my life, I want more than what’s here. And I thought I had been very good with accepting and feeling like I have enough, I’m doing enough. It’s something that I’ve been working ongoingly.

Candice Wu 12:39

And now I recognize even larger step towards acceptance. And enough, just one step. So as I say that I take a deep breath, it feels good, it feels like just the kind of inner learning that I want, that feeling of peace and contentment, that one little thing was enough and that I can enjoy other things and not push it.

Candice Wu 13:08

So there you have it the up close and personal experience of what I was going through. And a couple of days after that I was working with one of the horses, EY, this horse is the Alpha horse. And I had learned some of the basic horsemanship practices with him. So I got to take him out into the arena by myself. And no one was watching. I don’t know, fortunately, or unfortunately, because I didn’t really know what to do. And this was part of the impetus for me to realize that this was too overwhelming of an experience in general for me.

Candice Wu 13:47

So we’re in the arena, me and this horse. And whenever you’re with a horse, or with more than one horse, this is considered a herd. So me and this horse, our herd. And anytime you meet up in a herd, all the animals combined are trying to figure out who is the Alpha here. Who is in charge of the safety of the herd? Who is going to ask the others to move if something’s dangerous? Who’s going to protect everyone? And who does everyone have guidance from?

Candice Wu 14:22

And it’s always a question until it is resolved and clear. And it is pretty anxiety-provoking for both human and horse, if that’s not clear. So I’m trying to establish some sense of leadership with myself and with him. And so you can see how I was struggling with that and feeling anxious about it. And just practicing. I’m also reminding myself at that time that I was just new at this, a baby, so how was I supposed to know everything? But, if you’ve listened to my Past Life Trauma Episode, and some of the other horse episodes, you might know that I’m very hard on myself with the horses, because I feel like some sort of resonance with horses that maybe I’ve been with them in the past life and was an expert or something. And I came into this life feeling like I should know how to be with horses and how to be a leader to them.

Candice Wu 15:22

So here I am out there. And I’m asking this horse to circle around me on a lead rope. And so he begins to circle as I direct him, but very sluggishly. So I’m asking him to go a little faster. And it’s not quite working. And as he circles behind me, I see him eye me. And it feels funny, I’m not sure what’s going to happen, and slowly his head lowers, and then his whole body starts to stop. And now I know what’s happening. And it’s too late.

Candice Wu 15:55

But now this horse is on the ground and rolling on his back, and enjoying this, like back massage and back scratch, which horses love. And I think that’s great. It’s just that this is in the middle of me asking him to walk and to practice our collaboration.

Candice Wu 16:16

And what I learned, all you horse people out there may know other thoughts about this, this is just what I learned, is that the Alpha horse is usually the first horse or wants to be the first horse to be able to just come in and roll on the ground. And it’s a sign of strength and confidence. And I can do whatever I want. And I can feel vulnerable and know that I’m not going to be attacked or I’m going to be able to handle it. I’m safe here. And the Alpha horse takes that lead and the other horses might follow. And the followers, it’s clear that they’re followers, like the Alpha horse doesn’t follow.

Candice Wu 17:01

So here, he does this in the middle of me asking him to walk. And I just didn’t even know what to do. So I was like, “Oh, shoot! This happened.” And so I remembered some other things about Alpha horses, they walk away and then they walk wherever they wanted. They take that initiative.

Candice Wu 17:21

So I started doing that, I walked away. And I decided, you know what I’m going to roll. Because I’ve heard my host also tell me that that’s what she does sometimes, to establish leadership with the entire herd, she walks right in the middle dead center or wherever she wants and just rolls on the ground.

Candice Wu 17:38

And luckily, that day, it was not muddy up to my ankles, as it usually was. It was snowy and icy. So the ground was full of ice and I could roll on that. And so I wandered around, rolled on my back, like a horse, got back up and then continued walking on my way, wherever I felt like wandering in this arena, hoping that this would do something. And it did. I got the horse’s attention. And he started coming over to me, which was a good sign. But then I didn’t know what to do after that, or I just, I couldn’t feel into the confidence of the other practice, the other horsemanship practices that I was doing.

Candice Wu 18:26

So then eventually he did it again. And I was like, “Oh, no, this is becoming a pattern.” And also, what are we doing here? What’s happening here? Is this a pattern that tells him that he’s the leader, or is this some sort of weird game we’re playing? And I do it again, later. And he then again follows me. So we’re going back and forth, we do this at least three or four times. And at this point, I realize, okay, this has become a pattern that I don’t know how to handle and this is a good place to stop. But I directed him or I asked him to do a few other things to leave it on a good note.

Candice Wu 19:04

So I went inside and just got cleaned up. And as I reflected on that, I just started crying. It just tipped over, the overwhelm of the entire experience, the daily wearing of the environment outside, which is tolerable if everything else is good, plus the wearing of the environment inside like the dirt and mud, and probably horse poop everywhere. Moldy stuff in the kitchen, every place being like really icky and just not being able to walk around barefoot anywhere, the sink in the bathroom still being clogged and having to go to the kitchen sink anytime I wanted to wash my hands, kind of dancing around in someone else’s space where that person and I are also having interpersonal conflict and trying to work it out and doing an okay job of that, but it’s bumpy.

Candice Wu 20:07

And then put all on top of that, me learning with the horses, and also cleaning their poop every day, which became sort of a meditation, but learning how to be with the horses, how to be a leader with horses when I was just so brand new at it and pushing myself on the inside which I was working with releasing and just being enough in the moment.

Candice Wu 20:31

But having criticism come at me that wasn’t supportive sometimes and would come at times where I just needed a little bit of encouragement, and where my host would use every single interaction between us as a lesson for me with my horsemanship, which just became incredibly tiresome and challenging.

Candice Wu 20:55

And even when I’d assert some boundary around that, as you heard in the story about me being cornered, it just was so much to defend in my world. And some of that reflects what I need to grow in. And some of that just reflects a situation that doesn’t match what I need. All of that was incredibly stressful.

Candice Wu 21:19

So when I came back inside, after this horse had rolled on the ground, and pretty much just, you know, took leadership, because I wasn’t quite confident enough. I really felt this overwhelm and realized in that moment, why am I enduring this?

Candice Wu 21:40

I know how to endure hard stuff. I have done that. I have even pushed myself straight into challenging experiences so I can know my own strength and grit, and to become stronger and also to learn. And is this the right environment to learn? At this time. Do I need to endure a hard situation and overcome that in this time of my life? Is this my lesson right now?

Candice Wu 22:09

Which was the biggest and most important question of all for me, because I realized, that this wasn’t my lesson, my lesson was to walk away, and to feel the freedom to walk away with love and respect, to find a way to do that in a graceful way and not out of anger or rejection with that kind of like harshness of rejection or rage. But to walk away in respect and love from this dynamic that so reminded me of my relationship with my father.

Candice Wu 22:47

And the lesson here was to integrate this so that I could handle this kind of energy. And the way to handle it this time in this moment was to leave.

Candice Wu 23:00

The second lesson that I realized later that I was receiving in that moment, is that I wanted to fully trust myself, my inner knowing, and my inner guidance and compass, without question. And the very fact that I didn’t even give enough space to recognize the knowing until later, until a couple of days, I know it wasn’t that long, but I’d like it to be thinking of a little bit more to the moment. But this experience helped me to do that.

Candice Wu 23:37

The thinking up of recognizing what my inner knowing is, what my intuition says to do, as my go-to. And here in this experience, I was thinking: “Oh, this is something I can learn, and this, and this, and this.” And it just kind of overflowed, and I don’t have to learn in every single arena of my life, and be challenged in every single part of my experience to grow. And it’s okay to enjoy it, and to have a kind person as my teacher. And I started to get clear about what kind of teacher I wanted to have.

Candice Wu 24:17

So this lesson of totally trusting my inner compass, my intuition. What I need to do was very clear when I told my host and the host’s son, because they both challenged me and attacked me pretty hard. I got called a quitter, and I was interrogated. And I learned to find a place where I wasn’t trying to defend myself, but share what I wanted to share. And stay confident in my knowing that I needed to leave.

Candice Wu 24:55

I was thrilled when my mom was like, “Just come home”, and that really helped me to take that step. So arriving in Dublin for a few days was wonderful and restorative. And then getting all the way home to Michigan. I just appreciated Michigan so much more. And I know that 10 years, 11 years ago, when I left Michigan for Chicago, I felt like I was never going to come back here to live, I was rejecting Michigan to a great deal.

Candice Wu 25:32

And now I feel so fond of it. And I spent this last couple of months getting grounded here. Even though I’d made a trip to San Diego, I’ve been very focused on the things that I want to enjoy here, like my growth in ballet and just moving my body that way, working with horses again with a new riding teacher, as well as a new horsemanship teacher that I found, and creating loving experiences with my family and friends, and taking all the enjoyment.

Candice Wu 26:11

If you read a recent newsletter of mine, I also shared how all of this enjoyment, all of the things that I’ve created out of finding inner freedom, and therefore the congruency in my outer world like financial freedom, like loving myself, being able to have the time and space to take care of myself, to do things, I love, to have loving relationships.

Candice Wu 26:38

And most recently, while I was in San Diego, falling in love with a new person that actually I’ve known before, I talked briefly about that in the last Manifesting Episode at CandiceWu.com/manifesting. All these really good things were happening and there was even a little push inside of me to do more or to do the next thing.

Candice Wu 27:04

But it was time to stop and breathe in and out and just take in all the fun and pleasure. Why would I create all this and skip over it? That sends a message to my being that I just don’t feel worthy, and that we don’t enjoy things, but I am worthy. And it’s good to enjoy and celebrate the things that you spent your energy and attention on. And that’s what we ultimately want to feel. So why not arrive there. And truly take it in and soak it in for longer as long as you want to, as long as your heart and soul want to. So that’s just what I’ve been leaning into as I release more beliefs of unworthiness, and expand my feeling of worthiness inside to enjoy all these pleasures.

Candice Wu 28:01

And so, as I reflect on this ending of leaving Ireland, ending that experience early, ending a dynamic where I didn’t like how I was showing up and how the other person was showing up with me. I’m talking about my host. I also was experiencing other endings. Sometimes I would talk about my partner on the show, and I want to just mention and honor that relationship with him because that love, the way that it was a romantic love has shifted, and we’ve shifted more into a friendship and a professional relationship. And that has also been woven into my experience from January until now.

Candice Wu 28:47

When I left for Ireland, that was the beginning of it. And I don’t want to talk completely about that right now. I’d like to talk about that in the next episode that’s coming up about relationships and dating and relationship grief, because a lot of people have shared with me that their relationships have been ending, whether that’s friendships, or love relationships, or family relationships.

Candice Wu 29:14

So that has just inspired me to do an entire episode on it. So I’ll talk more about Christoph and my previous partner there. And another relationship that ended in my world is a friendship relationship. That was a really long time.

Candice Wu 29:31

But what started to evolve, maybe even 10 years ago, just kind of tail spawn, and it didn’t really click to me that this is a relationship that just needed to end or shift until just recently. And the thing I just want to share about that today is that all the relationships in my life, in my experience, and as experienced them for my clients, serve to show us our inner model of the world, our inner model of ourselves, what we believe and feel about ourselves in the world, are reflected in the relationships that we have in the way that we’re treated in the way that it feels and the way that the roles are in the relationship.

Candice Wu 30:20

We do attract those people that will support us in seeing ourselves. And that means both our light and our dark. And that light being the love in us, the truth in us, as well as the dark, being the wounds or the parts in ourselves that want to be resolved, so that we can feel our wholeness, we can come back to our wholeness.

Candice Wu 30:45

So the wounds and the beliefs and the things that are incomplete in us, that our soul wants to go back to, to heal up and integrate. Our soul wants us to go back to those places where our tender heart has bled or is bleeding still, and sometimes bleeding out. And that young, intuitive, sensitive dreamer, infant of ours, the baby that came into this world that is so open, so full-hearted, with no protections and no guards up, has experienced wounds, has experienced the need to protect and put armor up in different ways and for different reasons. And that all is what our soul wants us to go back to, to heal up and recover. To go back to that innocence, truth, love, pure experiencing.

Candice Wu 31:47

If we’re actually taking relationships as a reflection of place to look at ourselves, then we can let the relationship have its own natural life force.

Candice Wu 32:02

Sometimes we do need to tell the other person what we need or ask and request the other person to do something that would support us. I’m not saying that that’s a bad thing. And that can be a very good thing, and a way to collaborate.

Candice Wu 32:19

But if there’s so much constriction in a relationship, so much controlling of the way things are, can’t do this, can do that, need to do this, shouldn’t do that, then it clamps down the life force. It clamps down the aliveness of the relationship and what wants to come through to support us in shaking ourselves awake and shaking us up, to look at, the places that we’re wanting to love ourselves more, to look at the places where we’ve hidden away, that wants to be uncovered and to be felt and experienced, known. If we clamp that down, then we don’t grow, we don’t have our own life force thriving, the soul that drives us towards these experiences to integrate them, gets hampered. And we kill ourselves in a way very slowly.

Candice Wu 33:23

So I invite you to look at your own relationships in this way. Who you are in those relationships? And what are the dynamics that you are seeing right in front of you? What are the things that your soul wants you to learn here? And what is it that you can learn here?

Candice Wu 33:42

If you pause and just check in with yourself about all your relationships, and just check that these are relationships that support you. And you don’t have to learn every hard lesson at once. It’s not about just cutting off all the relationships that are not fun and joyful. I don’t know positive, I guess. I don’t love using the word positive. But it’s about looking at what are you learning in this relationship? And how can you see this sacred interaction as something that’s fueling your spirituality or being, and who you are in this journey of life?

Candice Wu 34:30

Who have you attracted in your life? To show you certain lessons of loving yourself. What does each relationship show you that you desire? And how can your relationships connect to on a deeper level with what you want and who you truly are, and where your wounds are so that you can heal those up and find yourself arriving back at who you are. And then, that you can attract exactly what you want with clarity, ease and from the loving that is you.

Candice Wu 35:13

So just going back to my horse journey. About a week or two after arriving back in Michigan, I took a horsemanship lesson from a woman named Sue, and her horse Delta. And it was wonderful. It just was so incredibly healing.

Candice Wu 35:33

And that same experience that happened with EY, where he rolled on the ground actually happened in this lesson. But it was a completely different experience. Of course, I was alone in that experience in Ireland. But I could only imagine that even if my host/teacher was there, in that moment that it might not have felt so comfortable.

Candice Wu 35:57

But here with Sue, she asks me or gives me the opportunity to ask the horse to walk in circles. So feeling like okay, this is familiar, but I already had a little bit clearer direction from Sue about how to do it with confidence. And she was so encouraging, and kind, Oh… it just was so recovering for me for the ways that I was criticizing myself and also feeling the pressure from the outside.

Candice Wu 36:27

So I asked Delta to walk and going around the first way to the right, he did exactly what I asked him to, walked three times and then stopped. And then I asked him to go the other direction. And at some point, when he got behind me, he did that same look in his eyes, and started to roll down towards the ground, or like slumped down towards the ground and get on his back and looked at Sue. And I was like, “Oh, no, this has happened to me before. What do I do?” And she said, “It’s okay, he’s not doing anything wrong, and neither are you.”

Candice Wu 37:09

So that was just really helpful for me to hear. And we stopped. And she said, “Well, he just kind of blew you off. He wasn’t disrespecting you or being mean, he just kind of blew you off. But are you okay with that?”

Candice Wu 37:26

And I was like, “No.” Just like, well, what are you going to do? If someone blows you off in life? Are you just going to stand there and take it? Or are you going to say something or do something? And I was like, I’m gonna do something. But what do I do here? And she’s like, “Well tell him, do it again, and make it clear this time, get your energy up and have some conviction with it.” And so I did, and we did great.

Candice Wu 37:54

He did exactly what I asked of him because I was clearer. And had the expectation, but also responsiveness to what he was showing me and how he was responding. And so when he went around behind me in a circle, I made sure I kept my eyes on him and kept clear about what I wanted him to do. And she asked me to just to think it in my mind, walk four laps, and be clear. And that just happened exactly as I wanted it to.

Candice Wu 38:32

And I also got to practice many of the things that I did learn in Ireland, and that had integrated over the time that I took a break. And Sue was super encouraging, and notice that I had a lot of natural talent. And that just went a long way for me, for her to say, “Wow, you have a lot of skills already. And you’re just a natural at this.” And for her to show me how she connects with her horse, with loving and sweetness at times.

Candice Wu 39:02

While having that leadership of clarity and boundaries, all of that was so helpful to me. So I wanted to share that with all of you, especially since that same experience happened where the horse rolled on the ground. So my connection with horses is growing. And I have been loving riding with this one horse named Armani, who’s at a different stable, and where I’ve been taking lessons and that’s continuing and my horsemanship skills are supporting me in having clarity, calmness, groundedness and respect, mutual respect with the horses as well as connection.

Candice Wu 39:44

And there’s just a bit more, the last day I was in Ireland, I spoke with a woman named Sarah Fancy. She’s out near San Diego, and she does family constellations with horses. She has seven horses, and she offers private mentorships, where we design exactly what we want to learn. So I’m so excited that I’ll be doing that with her at the end of May. And when I talked with her, she was so validating to me about trusting myself and leaving the situation and supporting that. Having kindness and encouragement around learning with horses was so important. Her energy was just so clear and vibrant, grounded and simple in a way. There wasn’t extra like sugariness around her talking with me, which I so appreciate just her directness and being herself.

Candice Wu 40:47

So my adventure continues. And it grows into me just wanting to be with horses even more. The feeling of maybe wanting horses, like wanting to own my own horse or lease a horse. You can lease a horse by just paying some amount of money per month to contribute to the horse’s food and their care. And in return, you can have a few days with a horse a week, where they’re entirely for you, reserved for you.

Candice Wu 41:18

But last week, I was offered the opportunity to ride with a friend while my teacher was away at a competition. And I scheduled like three days in a row with my friend to ride. And by the second day, I was tired. So I did two days. And by the third day, I was like, I just need a break. And so that really showed me I was not ready to have my own horse yet. I can’t handle being with horses that many times a week just yet, and I’m just honoring where I am right now.

Candice Wu 41:55

So as I end this conversation today about my horse journey and interaction, what I’ve been learning about myself, as well as relationships ending and serving us to show us more love in ourselves, show us the places where we can find more love.

Candice Wu 42:12

I want to invite you to listen to the next podcast that will be about relationships ending, grieving in relationships, honoring and integrating what the lesson is of the relationship, as well as saying goodbye. Or letting the dynamic and also forgiveness around any beliefs that came up in interacting with this relationship and the discovery of our own beliefs sets, ways of being that are worthy of self-forgiveness.

Candice Wu 42:54

If you’re interested in this episode, it’s not published yet. It’s coming soon. And it should be at CandiceWu.com/relationshipendings. So that link is not active yet, but it should be in a very short time. And if you’re subscribed to my podcast on
Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or Stitcher, or any of the other platforms, you’ll see it pop up in your feed.

Candice Wu 43:22

That’s all for today. Thank you so much for listening, for tuning in today. I would love to hear your feedback, your experiences as well, if you do want to share with me. And as I begin to share more vulnerably, I hope to do more of these a{Live} now podcasts where you can tune into what’s going on in my inner world and my outer world. And I’m wishing you all a lovely day and that your relationships, whether they’re ending or thriving, growing, taking the next level, whatever relationships that you’re experiencing, are serving to show you who you are and to show you the loving that is wanting to be revealed.

Candice Wu 44:05

See you next time on the Embody Podcast