Candice Wu 0:10

In this episode, I give my first update about my trip to Mexico about some spiritual emergence and crisis that I’m moving through, as well as how to use proprioceptive writing to connect more deeply with yourself and the words that you use, and your unconscious self.

Candice Wu 0:31

This episode contains explicit language and themes that may not be for all audiences.

Candice Wu 0:38

Hello and welcome. You’re listening to the Embody Podcast, a show about remembering and embodying your true nature, inner wisdom, Embodied Healing, and self-love. My name is Candice Wu, and I’m a holistic healing facilitator, intuitive coach, and artist sharing my personal journey of vulnerability offering meditations and guided healing support and having co-creative conversations with healers and wellness practitioners from all over the world.

Candice Wu 1:14

For one month, from February 10th to March 10th of 2020, my dream classes is free on Skillshare. So you can learn all about how to remember and record your dreams, and to uncover and awaken your dream life.

Candice Wu 1:29

This class supports you in building a nervous system that feels safe and embodied enough to play and open into your dream world, plus ways to specifically record your dreams with ease to allow the remembering to come with more ease. So check this out, along with the other Dream classes on Skillshare at CandiceWu.com/dreamclass1.

Candice Wu 1:57

Hello everyone. Welcome back to the Embody Podcast. It’s really interesting to tuned back in here today. I am in Mexico and I have spent about a week in Mexico City, and now I’m in Oaxaca, which is a little more southeast of Mexico City. And, wow, it’s been only a week of me being here, but I feel like I’ve been, in a sense around the world and back.

Candice Wu 2:26

So far, this is my fourth, Airbnb and finally, I have some peace and quiet to be able to podcast. For me, it’s a really interesting thing to look at myself and notice how I’m not completely overwhelmed by the sounds. I’ve had some traumatic experiences with sound and that has very much affected where I’m able to sleep and if there’s noise around me, I don’t sleep well. I get bothered by noises that just are unpleasant or too loud or overwhelming or when I don’t want it. And here, I’ve really embraced the sound to a large degree except for when it comes to podcasting and working with my clients.

Candice Wu 3:16

One of the first things that the first Airbnb host told me was that sound is an essential part of Mexican culture. There is sound to celebrate, there’s sound to communicate and to alert of certain things, different foods, different services, and it’s a part of what holds the heartbeat of the culture it seems. And so, I gathered a mishmash of sounds for you to just tune into. So here’s a blend… [playing sounds of Mexican street life]

Candice Wu 4:15

And lastly, I met a friend who was playing this beautiful guitar music on the streets, in one of the major areas… [playing guitar recorded in the streets]

Candice Wu 4:57

When I heard this music, it reminded me of my father and the guitar he would play when I was younger. So I just stopped and listened and took it all in and recorded it and it since has been really touching me on a deep level and healing my heart in many ways. So shout out to Juan Ignacio who is from Argentina, who is this musician playing his music.

Candice Wu 5:36

My first reaction when I arrived here in Mexico City was that it smelled just like Hong Kong, Indonesia, Chiang Mai all put together with a flair of Spain and Italy, at least in Maroma and like in Bayside area, which I know has that European flavor, but the exhaust, the tropical plants, the smell of different foods and a little bit of sewage, sometimes sounds, it was very heartwarming. And for this whole week, I have met so many kind people that have really held me in this experience.

Candice Wu 6:22

If you listened to the podcast a couple of weeks ago, about solo travel and some of my fears, you probably know that I had to break down some of the fears that I had about coming here around safety. And once I got here, all of those fears just dissolved, granted, I was in pretty safe locations comparatively, but that’s part of it, you know.

Candice Wu 6:48

In Chicago, where I live for 10 years, where many of you all listening are living as well, there are some areas that you just wouldn’t walk down the street in the dark alone or, you might just be a little more careful in certain areas just because you don’t know what’s going on there or maybe it’s unfamiliar, but there are places like that all over the United States that we would just be careful of. And it was just the same exact thing here. And by and large, people were just so friendly, wanting to connect with me. They’re curious about me, and I think because I’m Chinese, they don’t really know what to make of me. They don’t know where I’m from. They’re curious about what language I speak, and quite delighted when I speak any broken Spanish at all.

Candice Wu 7:43

I was really shy at first. I had been practicing with different podcasts, but once I got here, I was just like, I can’t follow what people are saying, it’s going too fast and it took a little bit to be — a little bit of courage to speak up and ask for what I needed, asked for them to slow down or let them know I couldn’t speak very much Spanish just a little bit, but that has been very well received and the smiles that I receive, the mannerisms of kindness here, I’m really appreciating.

Candice Wu 8:26

The biggest thing here, for me, is that I feel like parts of my soul are coming alive. The food, the sounds, as I mentioned, the people, the colors everywhere, the community, the aliveness, and the movement. It’s beautiful and very soulful. I haven’t got myself to try the crickets. I don’t really think I will. But, the Malays, the corn, I don’t eat corn at home or tortillas, but here, I’m eating that and it feels like a really nice, sacred connection to the land, to the people, the heart of people.

Candice Wu 9:08

So while all this is happening, and I’m discovering this place, it is just so happening that I am feeling through another layer of existential emergence or existential crisis, spiritual crisis, whatever you want to call it. It feels like a breaking down of ego, a breaking down of who I feel I am or who I thought it was, and a lot of grief, some anger, some sadness, some longing, and the questions, well, the thoughts that emerge into questions come in this form: Who am I anymore? What am I doing here like, in life in the world? What’s going on? What am I here for?

Candice Wu 10:01

And while all these questions are emerging, I feel that they’re not really to be answered functionally and if they will be answered, they will be through a revealing and through an allowing and emerging. But so far, those are just the words that are coming up with the feelings in the body and feels like I’m just sloughing off a lot of different layers that I don’t need anymore, and letting that surrender that I, so desired happen, letting myself come into more joy and delight and playfulness, and that has been my experience here.

Candice Wu 10:40

I know that astrologically a lot of people are going through different challenging experiences, different layers of themselves, whether or not you follow that. I’m curious where you’re at and how you’re feeling in yourself. What is the experience of your life right now?

Candice Wu 11:00

So, I invite you to take a moment and tune into that here together with me and with all those listening, just taking a moment to listen in word and feel the sensations in your body and what it’s like to be in your body now. And what is the theme of your life at the moment? What are you looking at spiritually or very functionally? And is there anything you need in your life right now to support you or make it a little bit more comfortable?

Candice Wu 12:01

Okay, so this inner listening just brings us to the main topic today which is proprioceptive writing.

Candice Wu 12:08

I recently went on a proprioceptive writing retreat at Hope Springs Institute, which is in Peebles, Ohio, way out in the boondocks, in this wonderful, gorgeous space held by nature. This space is created by Suzanne Stevens, in her vision of creating a spiritual center, a place where people can really find respite and connect with each other, connect with a deeper sense of themselves. That’s my perception of her, her space and what she’s offering. And here, she hosted Mary Bach, who does an annual proprioceptive writing retreat there at Hope Springs.

Candice Wu 12:58

This way of essentially journaling, or tuning in, has given me just another aspect, another way to integrate my experience and the ways that I already know how to tune in intuitively, it has offered me a deeper connection with myself, a feeling that I’m filling up this space in my body, and that I exist and embrace my existence. I feel surer of myself and I feel more present, loving to myself, as well as a deeper and more open space to be loving to others and to see others in their experience and their freedom with a clear boundary.

Candice Wu 13:52

So let me back up and explain a little bit about what proprioceptive writing is, at least to the degree that I’ve learned it and what I have experienced.

Candice Wu 14:03

Proprioceptive writing was coined by Linda Metcalf and Tobin Simon and it’s a way to listen in word, write down what you hear, and then ask yourself, what do I mean by, and whatever word seems to have some energy or tickles you in a certain way, or has a resonance? And then as you ask, what do I mean by this word, what do I mean by, then you listen again and let this stream of consciousness flow through.

Candice Wu 14:40

Proprioception is the perception and awareness of the physical position and movement of your body in space. So the sense that you know where your body is, and different parts of your body are, the awareness inside.

Candice Wu 14:58

So the combination of proprioceptive writing is this idea that we are moving knowledge, the words that we use carry knowledge from our experience. So our language set, our vernacular, the way we use certain words, is all rooted in our own wisdom, our experience, through our personal lives, societal, cultural, collective, and archetypal experience, and past life and lineage, all the dimensions and other dimensions that I have not named.

Candice Wu 15:34

There are ways that experience cannot be put into words but when we do take the time to let the words come through or any a semblance of words and sensation, or intuitive or appropriate receptive experience come through, then we get a chance to define things as much as it actually is possible. And that would be a quite endless process to let all words come to their fruition of meaning for us. But it’s a really fun experience and it was so deepening and it’s something that I’m going to be using for all sorts of things. But, the best thing that I found about it was to do the process of writing and then share it with the group, which was incredibly healing and powerful and validating.

Candice Wu 16:35

And just another thought, because I’m in Mexico and I’m using some Spanish, I’ve often noticed that being in another culture that has a different language set has a frequency that I need to plug into and as I plug into the language, I plug more into the frequency of shared knowledge, of connection, of the way interaction happens. And then, there becomes a sense of built-in meaning, and it can feel when I use certain Spanish words versus when someone else that is native there or has lived there uses that word, it carries something energetically different. For me, it’s a lot more flat because it’s a newer word.

Candice Wu 17:24

So, what do we mean by the words we use? What does each word carry? What does your name carry? What does mom or dad, work? Love? Play? Listening.

Candice Wu 17:45

Any word that you find interesting, what does that come with and not to use this type of writing as a thinking process? But one of — what do I mean by and letting the words come to you, letting the information be received by your listening and observational ear.

Candice Wu 18:09

So this inner listening is the heart of proprioceptive writing and it’s not so different from a lot of the different healing experientials that I’ve offered here or the type of listening inward that I do for myself that I support others in doing. But it is different when you write it down and it’s hard because there’s this weird interaction of having to slow down or allow the — what’s being — what’s coming forward to slow down enough so that it can be written down.

Candice Wu 18:48

And I have found there’s this weaving in and out of different parts of me coming forward. So different parts of me may be speaking and then another part and another part, but this sensing inward, intuiting, channeling, even perhaps, excavating, following the energy, all that is a part of this process.

Candice Wu 19:10

And as I’ve worked with this, just in these last couple of weeks, I’ve even found myself using words more particularly, but not in a belabored way more so in a way that I feel more connected with the word that I’m saying. I’m more personally connected and I feel that this process can lend itself to speaking in a more powerfully resonant and energetic way.

Candice Wu 19:39

I liked that Mary Bach said that we’re looking into every corner, and it’s like taking your eye towards people and looking through and just seeing everything you can see. And what I’m really left with, is this feeling of what is satisfying to me and what do I mean, and what comes through doesn’t have to make sense to anyone else, even when I read it to someone else, when I read it in the group, none of it had to make sense. It didn’t need to be understandable. And that was incredibly freeing because it just didn’t have to make any sense. None of it did. But it meant something to me and it touched something in me. And when I read it out loud, it gave me a feeling of showing up and being seen, especially in things that were more vulnerable, as well as I was more seen to myself, letting a group receive what just came — stream of consciousness — to me, was bringing me to the emotion more powerfully.

Candice Wu 20:51

So the process goes like this, listening to Baroque music for about 20 minutes, lighting a candle in front of you, just allowing that to be a part of the ritual of creating this time and space where this inner listening is to be had and to be received.

Candice Wu 21:14

So if you’d like to try this, you can pull up some Baroque music on YouTube or Spotify or whatever platform you use and set a timer for 20 minutes. You can even invite a friend to do this with you either in the same room or across distance online.

Candice Wu 21:37

And take a couple of breaths as you light the candle and as you ground and feel into your body, as you feel the space that your body is taking up, and after a couple of breaths, listen to any thoughts, words or sense of communication that’s coming through and begin to write. And just let the flow happen as you write down whatever it is that’s coming through without any filter, without any need to make it sound in a certain way, just how it is.

Candice Wu 22:22

And anytime you have a word that just tickles you a bit or stands out, or has more energy to it or calls your attention, pause there and write down: “What do I mean by” and that word that stood out to you. And then listen again and continue writing, recording whatever is heard from inside and whenever that exhausts itself, you can ask that question again and write it down, “What do I mean by” and check out a new word. And it can be a word that comes to you or word within what was just written.

Candice Wu 23:15

And if you feel like you’re getting stuck here in this thinking mode or blocked here, you don’t hear anything or you’re just writing the same thing over and over again, just allow that to happen, notice it. And the teacher of the retreat, Mary Bach would say, to go back to the thing that you touched upon right before you got blocked or you felt stuck, and that there was something there for you that maybe got glossed over or you missed a word that has some vibrancy, and just check out if anything pops up now. And there’s no expectation. There’s nothing to pressure yourself about. It doesn’t have to sound good.

Candice Wu 23:59

So relieving yourself of all that might be part of letting the flow happen and within what can come through, it is a bit like free association. It’s like, whatever is connected with that word might come up to you and things might be surprising, or things might feel ordinary, like, these are your thoughts every day. It doesn’t matter. Just let it all be recorded and observed, and just continue.

Candice Wu 24:32

And when the 20 minutes is up, your timer is up or the music stops, if you have a way to allow the music to just stop at 20 minutes, then finish the thought or sentence you’re on and write down, “How do I feel right now?” The question itself, and then answer the question.

Candice Wu 24:55

And just making an observational note about how you feel now.

Candice Wu 25:04

When I’ve done Dreamwork, I’ve often asked my dream, or the parts of my dream, different questions. So going back into the dream and tuning in, maybe there’s a car in the dream or certain person or a flower, anything, and I talked to that part, and the way that I do that is I write a question with my dominant hand, like, “What message do you have for me?” And then I answer with my non-dominant hand.

Candice Wu 25:38

This often offers the most powerful, poignant, simple, and profound information. So it seems to distill it and it’s coming from a different place we’re so used to writing with our dominant hand. And using the non-dominant hand is accessing parts of us that aren’t typically are more normally conditioned. And that’s something you can use in this process as well, if you want to try doing the proprioceptive writing with your non-dominant hand, it can offer a whole different experience.

Candice Wu 26:17

I recently did this experience with my sister and my mother and it was incredibly powerful. So it wasn’t the way we normally spoke to each other and the topics that came through, actually, each of us were connecting on certain themes, death, our family, moments of life, how we want to live life, those themes were emerging and yet, we each had such a different perspective. And I don’t know that in a conversation, these words or sentiments might have come through in such a pure way. And what I mean specifically is actually after we finished writing, and wrote how we felt on the piece of paper, we took time to read it to each other, which is what I did at the retreat as well.

Candice Wu 27:11

And each of us read what we had written all the way through and if something could be really hurtful to the other person, we were giving ourselves permission to skip that, just so the process can be really safe for each other and that it can be safe to yourself when — whatever wants to come through, wants to come through.

Candice Wu 27:41

And so we read each full piece out loud and then the other people get to react to it, but mostly share any other words that struck them for the reader to continue their exploration.

Candice Wu 28:03

So for example, my sister caught on to certain words for me that I wrote down then and took with me and it gave me some feedback as to what was striking her and resonating with her for me, and what might have some energy for me to continue to listen into.

Candice Wu 28:29

So this next segment of the podcast, I’ll share some of the themes that I had been working with during the retreat and what spilled into my life thereafter, as well as I will read a couple of excerpts from my writing, just to give you a sense of the experience for me. And keep in mind if you do use this process as a tool or try it or play with it, that your experience, your words, your stream of consciousness might sound completely different. And that’s what I found with my sister and mom, as well as the different people in the retreat itself.

Candice Wu 29:15

So if there’s any part of you that has that inclination to compare or have a sort of right way to do it, it’s just not relevant. And what is satisfying to you, as I mentioned earlier, what is coming to you and interesting to you, what is being heard from inside of you, that’s what’s important.

Candice Wu 29:36

So some of the themes that I was working with were sensuality, intimacy, and using these words in particular, remember, extract, erotic, dragon, sleep, tiredness, father, mother, baby, embarrassment, procure, manufacturer, wounds, choke, freedom, flexible belonging, fuck, uterus, kindness, descent, immigration, trauma, pleasure, trust, shadow.

Candice Wu 30:24

And what was really cool about this process was that using the names of people, the word for a friend of mine or a previous lover? “What do I mean by” and their name can bring up a whole experience that helps some sort of integration happen and reveals what’s there about it and also allowed me to look at some of my shadow parts like what are the associations with certain words, then we know what’s loaded into a word when we use it, what unconscious feeling is there, which reveals itself to consciousness?

Candice Wu 31:09

So here’s a piece from my third write?

Candice Wu 31:13

Sleep. What is sleep? A time of quiet rest into a space of nothingness and everything. My dad would disrupt my sleep. This caused so much torture for me all my life. But why does my uncle have the same issue? Did I repeat this experience? Where is the origin of this experience of torture for us? It has a feel of long before us.

Candice Wu 31:42

And another piece, what do I mean by intimacy, being in touch with what is touching the moment? One with the moment, embarrassment, guilt, sweetness, sadness, all, tenderness with it all. No hiding truth. Visual congruence with unseen but layers of this being in contact, the sensuality of the existence we have.

Candice Wu 32:11

And as I asked myself, what do I mean by sensuality, different words came up, but then more personal experiences came up, some sensual experiences that I had had recently that were bringing me into more intimacy and vulnerability, pleasure, sexuality.

Candice Wu 32:31

And so these were some really vulnerable pieces that I shared within the group and that was kind of exciting.

Candice Wu 32:38

And here’s the piece that I wrote later in the retreat, and I use my non-dominant hand, for me my left hand and this is what came through. You are a dragon from another dimension. You read light, digest energy easily because we’re so connected with the land.

Candice Wu 33:01

What do I mean dragon? Breathes fire, playful, flies, scales, wings, long tail, funny, and majestic all at once. From where? Another world. Does not have word name. It is a knowing — dragon tribe.

Candice Wu 33:23

What do I mean by tribe? Bonded to others in a group. This was the most free way to be in a tribe because I was so big I had a lot of place to travel and to wander but stayed near enough, we could communicate from far.

Candice Wu 33:41

So that piece I felt like I was channeling and connecting with some information about me being a dragon in another life and being in this multidimensional experience. Maybe it wasn’t another life, I’m not really sure but another part of me and I do feel another part of me is in this dragon part of me.

Candice Wu 34:08

And it continued, what do I mean dragon? A baby still growing, a toddler now, at one time I died. But I can live on different or is it simultaneous to now? It is now, I suppose. Deeply free and powerful, no need to prove yourself.

Candice Wu 34:29

What do I mean by prove? Do something to provide evidence that my human form has often felt the need to do.

Candice Wu 34:39

The Ugly Duckling is a human story but some get left behind and die and they just do prove to have felt the need to do things to be enough and worthy.

Candice Wu 34:52

Social media tugs on this, it seems to be the currency, achieve, do, show. This is what I’m doing, “how to be with this.” Look at the parts that are up.

Candice Wu 35:06

And then I’ll just read one more piece and this was the most vulnerable piece that I had written and I felt like I was breaking through some unspoken taboos, that was just my felt sense, which was not necessarily confirmed or not confirmed. But I do have a history in my lineage of sensing when certain topics are taboo, especially sex.

Candice Wu 35:40

So that was a similar feeling and similar to feelings I’ve had when I’ve done — when I’ve been part of group relations, work, or Tavistock group work, where the topic of sexuality is in the room like there — people are feeling it to some degree or something’s happening around it and reactions and defenses are coming up so that’s not felt, not talked about.

Candice Wu 36:14

And so, here I am in like, the fifth write. I think it was the night before the last day. And this is what comes up.

Candice Wu 36:26

Fuck. It’s fuck that wants to be here. What do I mean by fuck? Red energy, aka anger, sometimes, and other times passionate, forceful, something that intrudes for a reason, for desire or for boundaries and decent to keep away, to express a feeling of frustration and exasperation, to have sex with passion, to be filled up to the point of intensity. We’re all women here. At least that’s how I think we’re identifying and just as a point of reference that was at the retreat, and it feels dangerous in a way to approach fucking yet, isn’t it a part of us often?

Candice Wu 37:10

This act of fucking or sex? What power does it have? A putting together, remembering provoked physically if it is wanted, I guess or maybe even not, that’s a whole other can of worms `sigh or am I writing this because I have new relationship energy? Is it a relationship? What is it? It is kind of one. It’s what I want right now. The mystery and the pleasure, the joy, and yes, the fuck. But there’s much more than that. Am I done now? You’re not done with me. Okay, what? It’s not soft, it’s forceful and it’s assertive. Know what I want kind of energy. Maybe I can bring this more into my life for fun, for pleasure, joy. Yes. Why not? Not tucked away or unspoken, like it was in my family, and how it can be in my culture, not even a look or holding hands, or it means you must marry. Well, fuck that.

Candice Wu 38:14

Okay, I think we’re done now. And then I moved on to the question, what do I mean by liberation?

Candice Wu 38:23

So that’s all for what I’ll share today. I hope this was interesting for you. It’s actually quite freeing for me when certain things are hard to talk about or maybe they do feel like they have some sort of power in a room or with people I’m sharing with. As soon as I do share it, I feel like I’ve claimed it. And I’ve claimed that I’m more powerful than the themes or the words or the things that are going on. I’m the part witnessing and that topic doesn’t have power over me, or at least there’s this negotiation of that at times where maybe it feels like it has some power and speaking it truthfully decreases and dissolves that.

Candice Wu 39:12

So liberation. What do I mean by liberation?

Candice Wu 39:19

If you are inspired or compelled to practice this, I encourage you to try it or to take a proprioceptive writing retreat or to get the book that is written by the founders of the work. I will link that on the show notes where you can find Hope Springs Institute as well as Mary Bach and Suzanne Stevens.

Candice Wu 39:44

And whether or not you know what you’re doing, just try it if you want to, it’s really just listening in and not driving the car, but watching the train go by and writing it down.

Candice Wu 39:59

I know that this is a verbal experience, bringing some unconscious, unspoken stuff, some felt sense stuff to the surface into words and I’ve struggled with the fact that not everything can be put into words. And we just recognize that and allow for what can come through. And if pictures want to come through, then that can be a very powerful experience too.

Candice Wu 40:30

So, I encourage you to play with it and just see what works for you and if you have questions, feel free to reach out to me and I’ll do the best to answer them according to my experience, and in the next couple of weeks, I will be continuing on my travels. I don’t know where I’m going next. So in about four days, I will be likely leaving Oaxaca, but unsure of the next destination which is a little bit uneasy for me, but I think I’m okay with it right now. We’ll see what happens.

Candice Wu 41:09

It makes me a little uneasy to not know if I’ll have good Wi-Fi to do my quiet work because I love my clients and I don’t like to disrupt that process. But other than that, I’m really just in that surrender mode of, “Okay, show me where I’m supposed to go next and what unfolds for me, what I meant to be doing here.”

Candice Wu 41:38

And along with that, the spiritual emergence and stuff that is coming through and opening my heart up and breaking me open into grief and some vulnerable, creative, pink center of my heart. I’ll keep you posted on that too.

Candice Wu 42:01

Thanks so much for tuning in today. I hope this was interesting for you and wishing you all very well. And that sense of what is satisfying to you. What do you mean by certain words, what do you mean in your life, really feeling into your own energy and body that already exists.

Candice Wu 42:23

Before you go, I’d invite you to sign up for my newsletter that goes out once or twice a month and updates you on podcasts, retreats, workshops, self-love notes and updates about me and travel as well. You can sign up for that at CandiceWu.com/embody. Thanks so much for listening and see you next time on the Embody Podcast.

Candice Wu 0:00

In the words of our guest today, Roxanne Partridge, to all y’all soul working women befriending your shadows, liberating clustered golden eggs, unearthing buried vessels of vitality, lubricating cutthroats with song, cleansing bones of patriarchy, rewiring your birthright to love into the light of your eyes and the fiber of your being, and rebirthing yourself with your blood, I see you.

Candice Wu 0:27

Roxanne works with menstruality, sexuality, empowerment, and embodiment from the depths up and out.

Candice Wu 0:38

Hello and welcome. You’re listening to the Embody Podcast, a show about remembering and embodying your true nature, inner wisdom, Embodied Healing and self-love. My name is Candice Wu and I’m a holistic healing facilitator, intuitive coach, and artist sharing my personal journey of vulnerability, offering meditations and guided healing support and having co-creative conversations with healers and wellness practitioners from all over the world.

Candice Wu 1:13

Hey, it’s wonderful to have you here today. It is the first month of December 2019. Wow, we are headed into the depths of winter for some places in the world and how fitting because we’re talking a lot about the darkness and depths within ourselves here in this episode with Roxanne Partridge. She is the founder of Embody Period, which has many meanings, which you’ll hear about in this episode.

Candice Wu 1:47

I have a couple of announcements before we jump into everything, first, this episode is the 100th episode of the Embody Podcast. 100, that means it’s the hundredth episode but that doesn’t include the experiential and meditations that are held under as an umbrella of the main episodes. So the main episodes are up to 100, so that is a big accomplishment for this podcast. And for me, it’s been just wonderful doing this podcast and coming up with ideas, sharing, and putting my voice out there in this way. I thank you so much for all of you who have in some way fueled this podcast to continue forward and to have the life and love that it does. All of you listening, all of you sharing the podcast with someone, a friend or client who may benefit just remembering it and tuning in once in a while or if you are a consistent listener, and if you have supported the podcast in any way with monetary donations, thank you so much from the bottom of my heart. And you are all here. I invite you all to celebrate with me the hundredth episode.

Candice Wu 3:14

I have another piece to share but this one is of a different tone. I want to share that Silver, the horse that I connected with at Silver Horse Retreat with Sarah Fancy, my mentor for Horse Constellations, Silver has passed away. If you’ve been following my podcast, you might have already heard about Silver and how he, the second morning I was there on retreat with Sarah and the horses, that he went down, he was lying down and he couldn’t get up because his leg was stuck in a part of the barrier, the fence and she had to pull him out and he like huffed and puffed and finally got on his legs. It was crouching down and then bounced off the railing, and then he was fine. And she was worried at that time that he was getting old and maybe it was going to pass soon but he lived on for another, think, six to eight months after that up until just last week.

Candice Wu 4:18

In another podcast, I’ve shared about my meditations with him and Horse Constellation experiences with him. I’ll link those in the show notes if you want to hear about my experiences and take this time to honor Silver with me. There are three main episodes that highlight my experiences with Silver or stories about him through Sarah and those are at CandiceWu.com/dancingwithhorses or CandiceWu.com/horseconstellations, or CandiceWu.com/sarafancy.

Candice Wu 4:54

And right now I’d like to take this moment to honor Silver, to thank him for his love and presence, connection, and all of the lives and souls and hearts that he’s touched, including mine. He lived, I believe 35 long years of life, and outlived many other horses, according to Sarah, and I am just so blessed that he was on Earth at a time that I got to meet him and share the time together.

Candice Wu 5:27

I will never forget the time I was trying to bring him up to this smaller arena and there was a little trail, a rocky trail that went upward to get to this space and I had taken the wrong way up and he was telling me “No” because he refused to go up it. And at some point, he gave in. I was really patient, but he gave in and said, Okay, let’s do this and sure enough, it was the wrong way and it was this disaster of going uphill. And so I ended up just going back down, of course the right way and at that point, he did not want to go back up and so I chose to listen and we walked together back towards his normal space and we just stayed outside of it. But we stood there and meditated for about 35 minutes just standing there, neither of us even made any moves and we had this beautiful meditation experience, standing in presence together. Even though there was hay on the ground, he wasn’t bothered or interested, he was just with me. We were together and it was magical.

Candice Wu 6:48

Thank you, Silver and I’m sending you my blessings on your journey and may you be in peace and love.

Candice Wu 6:59

Before we jump into the episode, it’s also fitting that the Ally with Death experiential, which is now an audio experience is out there, it is alive despite the name of death. But it is perfectly fitting for the cycles of life and death that we speak too, here in this episode, the cycle of your period, the cycle of your moon cycle, that’s your personal moon cycle and the collective moon cycles, the cycle of life and death that reflect itself through the seasonal shifts, and here, getting into the underbellies of winter.

Candice Wu 7:40

This guided audio experience is beautiful because it features music, hand pan music by artist Larry Saint Germain, who tailored the music to this specific experience to stir and shake up the blood, the stagnancy, the life force in you, anything that needs to die or be let go of what wants to be seen through you, through your soul, through your Spirit, through your body, your mind, and what wants to die off so that there can be more space for life itself, for being, for your vital core essence and the luminosity of yourself that wants to shine through on this next step of your life.

Candice Wu 8:28

And here we are, a month away from 2020 where we’re stepping into another decade of life, well, for some. So, here when we embrace death, that natural cycle of what wants to end and what needs to be looked at inside of us gets it space, gets it’s tending to and attention and love, where it fertilizes the soil for what’s coming up in your life and for beauty to be created in what’s coming, in what’s going to be revealed, all set to music that will support you in embodying this shift and transmitting the energies within yourself so that you can fully, with full-body, move forward into what is coming up for you in purposeful, meaningful experience.

Candice Wu 9:20

A shout out too, also Chris Spiegl, who produced and edited that experiential and spent his artistic attention to crafting the sounds and my voice to go together in a way that stimulates and invokes, conjures up what wants to come forward. You can find this experiential at CandiceWu.com/death and if you jump on now or soon, there’s a sale there for you, it is great as a gift to yourself or as a gift to clients, friends, family, people around you that might benefit from it as well. Again, that’s at CandiceWu.com/death.

Candice Wu 10:05

So this episode was super fun and there’s an added element of surprise here in this episode, where you’ll find out something about me and about Roxanne that connects us. It’s a very binding force between us of resonance.

Candice Wu 10:20

Roxanne Partridge is known for inspiring and guiding others into embodying their unique sustainable fullness. Women, menstruators, and individuals that seek a safe and healing and inclusive space to explore menstruality, sexuality, and embodied identity are empowered through her in-depth and creative approach. She just radiates juicy, soulful play and depth, and I absolutely love talking with her. She’s a healer, scholar, activist and has lectured and facilitated workshops in various locations as well as through her private practice and she’s also an advocate for equal rights to imagination, for images of female embodied experience.

Candice Wu 11:16

She’s informed by feminist post union liberational, archetypal, and eco psychological theory and practices and attends to the nuances of experience in the context of daily life, cultural and familial backgrounds, manifestations of the unconscious, such as dreams. She received her clinical hypnotherapy certification from the Santa Barbara Institute of hypnotherapy and trained with the revolutionary sex therapist, Gina Ogden, in her medicine wheel method of relational sexuality, and received her Ph.D. in Depth Psychology from Pacifica Graduate Institute in California. Her background in holistic therapies and the arts form a creative container for deep and catalytic work.

Candice Wu 12:08

So, you’re in for a treat here. Feel free to grab a candle and a cup of tea or something that just makes you feel in your own aliveness or makes you feel in some sense of beauty, and enjoy.

Candice Wu 12:31

So, Roxanne, we’re here together. Are you there? Okay.

Roxanne Partridge 12:39

Hi. I’m here.

Candice Wu 12:43

You’re there. We both have our candles burning. I’ve got a cup of tea, and my salt light on, salt lamp on. And it’s just so delightful to be here with you today.

Roxanne Partridge 12:56

Same here.

Candice Wu 13:00

I just took a look at your Instagram and I just love looking at your Instagram like the juicy images and luscious words that you write and just feel so much from your soul and your gut and your being, that these words feel like they always in someplace in me and live in and awaken more of me and you, just your work inspires and guides people to bring forward they’re natural and wild and Goddess self and their sexual essence and who they are. I can’t wait to talk to you about this.

Roxanne Partridge 13:50

I love that that’s your experience, looking at my Instagram account. One thing I love about that platform is that it is so image-forward, you know, and having such wonderful access to art and a way for me, it feels like a way of, kind of watering the imagination for what’s possible, you know?

Candice Wu 14:21

Yeah.

Roxanne Partridge 14:22

To imagine like, you’re saying like a to give representation, excuse me, to parts of ourselves that we may not even fully know but sense. And you know what I mean like, to, to find an image that maybe is surprising or strange but somehow compelling and resonates with some experience, whether it’s like, you know, an experience of cyclicity an experience of like, a sexual sort of sense of identity and having it be reflected back. Because I feel like there can be such I mean, within patriarchy, right? Imagination, embodied imagination for women is often kind of stuck in a corner behind a door that says something like, you know, for reproduction only or crazy, or —

Candice Wu 15:33

Yeah.

Roxanne Partridge 15:33

You know, it’s just a social construct or something, you know.

Candice Wu 15:38

Right.

Roxanne Partridge 15:39

And how to, like, give it some more space and, you know, wander around and how it wants to speak. And like you said, the kind of messiness of that.

Candice Wu 15:51

Yeah, you know, there’s such a, like a cleaned-up version through patriarchy that you, I often find myself like breaking down in my mind around like, how we even like, the spaces and words were using. How we even let all of that imagination just go full out. In a way, I don’t think I’m describing this well, but I’m just thinking of like, nature, like, being out in nature and breaking down the wall of where we think that good work is or where we think we can do things and experience it in. I don’t even know if I’m making any sense to myself, but that’s what came up. And let’s just shift back to your work of menstrual sexual empowered embodiment and the depth up and out is what — ahm — These are your words and I love to hear from you how you see your work and what you do.

Roxanne Partridge 17:02

Yeah, thank you.

Roxanne Partridge 17:07

Yeah, from the depths, up and out. Some of what that means to me is well, from the depths it’s like the depths of psyche, the depths of soul, the depths of our body, is the kind of underworldly experiences that are of our unconscious, of our dream world at night when we’re sleeping, the parts of ourselves that may not have a lot of representation in our day to day lives and ways of creatively like inviting and befriending and welcoming those parts of ourselves that are in the depths, and getting to know who they are, who’s here? What do they need? What’s their story? And what happens as they begin to meet the waking life versions of ourselves. And I sometimes refer to this as this kind of like inner social justice work of getting to know —

Candice Wu 18:32

Yes, that makes so much sense.

Roxanne Partridge 18:34

You know, like, really befriending the marginalized parts of our psyche. And so that’s kind of what the depths means for me and what it’s like to come up and out of the depths, to rise up from the underworld, from the darkness, and find footing on the topsoil and be integrated into our day to day life and how that can change the landscape of things.

Roxanne Partridge 19:03

And in my experience for myself and also with the women I work with, usually what this begins to look like is a way greater experience of aliveness and like a real, full sense of direction that’s grounded in like, kind of our psychic roots, if you will.

Candice Wu 19:32

That’s beautiful.

Candice Wu 19:40

Your words here, about your paradigm of seeing where you see troublesome, emotional and behavioral symptoms, suffering, questions of identity instead of seeing it that way, you’re seeing that as an invitation into a deeper and wider understanding of your personal purpose, potential healing, transformation and embodied autonomy.

Candice Wu 20:09

I love these words and something that happened for us right before we started recording makes us all click because I was like, did I like, that sounds like something I want to try it. Would you like to share what you just —

Roxanne Partridge 20:28

Oh yes. So, you know, Candice, when I began to look at your work and listen to your podcasts and read your Instagram posts and the words on your website, I was like, so familiar and when we first arrange to talk and we scheduled a time, you know, I discovered we have, you and I have, like, the same exact birthday, and that we were both born the same year, on the spring equinox.

Candice Wu 21:11

It just blows my mind. I mean, I’ve met people with the same birthday before but not someone like you.

Roxanne Partridge 21:21

Oh my god! It was just, I mean, like I said, it’s so uncanny to me, like the modalities that you’ve been drawn to, the way the ideas that you synthesize, your emphasis as well as the embodiment and embodying your nature. And for me, my version of that is Embody Period with a dot at the end to have a little menstrual pun there, but it’s also like, yeah, embodiment full stop, you know, like —

Candice Wu 21:53

Yes.

Roxanne Partridge 21:54

That’s what this is all about. Yeah, you know, and that emergent kind of energy that is, especially in this part of the world, where we have four seasons of like, you know, coming out of winter and coming up, you know, and that kind of Persephone-Demeter type of story of emerging from the underworld and so towards life and new beginnings and restoration and all of that, your work speaks to that, feels so resonant to what is, you know, the ground of what I do as well and it’s just incredible to have this kind of day that we share together, be recognized, you know.

Candice Wu 22:51

It absolutely is. I’m just like, I’m still a little in awe about it and it’s so touching. It’s so cool to meet you. I mean, this isn’t the first time but to discover this together and to really see the resonance in your work and who you are. It’s amazing. Just amazing. Yeah.

Roxanne Partridge 23:21

It was so cool. I haven’t met that many people with the same, I’ve met people like the day before or after. You know, and just to feel that, like, shared, I don’t know what it feels like for you. But for me it just, it feels like just part of the fiber of my being, you know, to like this energy that starts to stir as soon as we enter the month of March. It’s just like, bigger than me.

Candice Wu 23:50

Yeah, well, and I just had my astrology read. I have someone I work with every couple of months just to check in and see what’s going on in the planetary shifts and I didn’t, maybe like, ten years ago, eight years ago, I didn’t really believe in astrology very much or just didn’t have a connection and so much more than ever, it makes sense to me. And is so much just clicks with what’s already happening with what my astrologer says and how I already see that happening in my life. And so, when you shared this with me, it just, it brought all that up, this sense of how well orchestrated everything is in this universe and us being born on the same day within six hours apart. We have, you know, two different ways of expression and yet so much similarity and I know I have a moon in Gemini, so that must mean you have a moon in Gemini.

Candice Wu 25:00

You know, for those of you who know what that means, makes sense to why we’re here in this way, in our lives, I think.

Roxanne Partridge 25:09

Yeah. So sweet. Thanks for finding me.

Candice Wu 25:17

Maybe you found me in some way because it felt like, it felt, yeah —

Roxanne Partridge 25:23

Yeah.

Candice Wu 25:23

Both ends. Oh, wow. Yeah.

Candice Wu 25:27

Well, so that really brings me to this question of how did you get to this place on your journey today and what you do and who you are.

Roxanne Partridge 25:41

Yeah. Oh, so many ways to answer.

Candice Wu 25:46

I know it’s a giant question. That’s just not fair. Is it?

Roxanne Partridge 25:51

No, it’s okay. Let me feel into that.

Roxanne Partridge 26:00

It truly feels like a calling that has been sounding within me for as long as I can remember and what I like in that calling, being, mean and kind of fine-tuning it over the years, but it always was being in a space with women and listening to stories. And from a really early age, you know, I’m talking about elementary school years, women of all different ages would tell me their stories and I would hold it, I would sit in that space and yeah, at times, it was definitely a lot for seven years old or something till —

Candice Wu 26:58

Yeah.

Roxanne Partridge 26:59

But there was also a part of me that was like, Yeah, like I’m ready for this. And there’s always this kind of, I grew up with a lot of esoteric and mystical conversation around the dinner table largely held by my uncles on my father’s side of the family and some family friends. My mom has a best friend who was a midwife and she would come and stay at her house sometimes when she had a birth nearby and I would just stay at the kitchen table with them for hours and hours and listen to her stories of being at birth and her stories of her worldview of like, kind of why we’re here and the soulfulness and purposefulness of our life journey. And it all just kind of made sense to me.

Roxanne Partridge 28:04

I have always been drawn to poetry and art and soul work and the animated world. So in that way it was oh, there was a groundwork. I think that was just kind of there and I’ve definitely done a lot of different things at different points in my life and I’ve traveled a lot and I’ve wandered and when I entered into the field of depth psychology, I think that’s when everything kind of began to take the shape that things are in now.

Roxanne Partridge 28:54

When I found the field of Depth Psychology, I really felt like this kind of homecoming, I was like, okay, like this is the language that articulates what I just kind of know to be possible like this is a way that embraces my own experience, embraces what I felt was calling at me behind like the eyes and the stories of women and a lot of that like, coming from archetypal psychology and like union, psychological framework, and liberation psychology is this idea of a pluralistic psyche and that we contain like a multitude of selves within and a kind of mythopoetics of soul in personifying our different parts of ourselves, you know, like that in our social justice work I mentioned earlier and how healing and liberating it is to acknowledge that there is soul-making happening and let’s say premenstrual experience, which I suppose you know, and I say that since menstruality is an emphasis of my work and I guess another way that brought me here is being witness to really difficult menstrual experience growing up and also being witness to male or patriarchal like, reduction of a woman to her menstruality and the way that menstrual experience is so often reduced to hormones. You know, the female —

Candice Wu 31:20

Yeah.

Roxanne Partridge 31:21

Hysterical nature, like these types of things. And, like always knowing like, that’s just, that’s not it. Like, that’s not the full story and recognizing now like, there’s so much research that supports us that you know, these things don’t happen. Our menstrual selves don’t exist in a vacuum and that our psyche, you know that there’s, I’m going to pause right here if that’s okay.

Candice Wu 32:04

I don’t think so. I think you’re talking about the juicy stuff, you know. But yeah, you shared a lot. And yeah, let’s just take a pause together.

Roxanne Partridge 32:14

Yeah.

Candice Wu 32:23

Are you interested in sharing what that experience of being witness to a painful menstrual experience was like for you?

Roxanne Partridge 32:34

Yeah. It’s funny when I began writing my dissertation, which is largely on this idea of menstrual imagination, and I was examining what my own transference was to the topic. I had this kind of hand to forehead moment where I was like, Oh, right. You know, I mean, I thought like initially, the topic of my research shifted from embodied sexuality and this kind of relationship between sexuality and ecopsychology and our relationship to the earth and it shifted literally overnight to menstruality, on a night that I was painfully bleeding and decided to have a conversation with my uterus. And that was the turning point. But as I, you know, and when I addressed my uterus and all this pain and asked it, you know, just as I would a dream image like, Who are you? What’s here? What’s going on? What do you need? What I met was this kind of mourners, like, someone who was in mourning and had been in mourning for a very long time. And they were mourning, this image was mourning the loss of meaning. And I sat with that and I was like, I don’t know what this means, but I just need to sit next to this mourner as best as I can. And I had already started a dissertation proposal on a whole different topic and I canned it and I was like, I don’t know what this is. This is exciting. This feels necessary and hard and this is what I’m going to do.

Candice Wu 34:54

Yeah.

Candice Wu 34:57

Thank goodness.

Roxanne Partridge 34:58

Yeah. And as I started to sit with that further and be like, Okay, what do I already, what’s already here? That was the hand to forehead moment of like, oh, like, I grew up with my father pathologizing my mother and her moods, her unhappiness, essentially, you know, anything she did or say that he didn’t like.

Roxanne Partridge 35:31

He would throw under the umbrella of PMDD, premenstrual dysphoric disorder. Mind you. My father is not a psychologist or a psychiatrist —

Candice Wu 35:44

Like, wait a minute. Why is a DSM language there?

Roxanne Partridge 35:52

Yeah and this was like before the age of Google too, so I don’t know where or how he picked up this term.

Candice Wu 36:02

Yeah.

Roxanne Partridge 36:05

And, but he found it. And I remember one time being a little kid and my parents had argued that my mom had, like, gotten a car and drove off to like, blow off steam, get some air. I was so upset. And he said, you know, Roxanne, one day, I’ll tell you like, what this is all about, like, one day, I’ll let you in kind of on this secret. And I really held on to that. I was like, ah, like, there’s a reason for all of this. You know, there’s a reason why they fight. And I held on to it and he’s like when you get older, I’ll tell you and so years passed and I remember this and I go up to him like dad, you know, remember when you said XYZ, like what, what was like, what’s the secret? And he started laughing. He’s like, Oh, it’s just that, you know, she’s getting her period.

Candice Wu 37:04

Oh, what was your reaction?

Roxanne Partridge 37:11

Oh, I was so pissed. And I don’t know, probably about 14, 15 maybe when he told me this. And I had my period, I got my period when I was nine. So I just felt my anger in that moment, which I didn’t even really fully expressed to him because I didn’t really feel like there was a point but, it was just the silencing of what I saw of my mother’s experience. And all of her different needs that weren’t being met, her unresolved traumas like the context of her life basically, and how that was showing up in their arguments, and whether or not this was at all timed with her cycle, I don’t know. And she doesn’t know, she, as many women, didn’t pay attention to her cyclicity and, you know, didn’t know what phase she was in from another which is, you know, a very usual situation. But the story of it, you know of, oh, mom’s upset because she is hormonal, because she’s premenstrual, because since menstruation has been thought of like, the marker of womanhood. It’s because she’s a woman. And It just felt so binding to me. And —

Candice Wu 39:06

Absolutely.

Roxanne Partridge 39:08

Yeah. So that was very much a part of the day to day life of growing up and really seeing just the limited space for representation to what my mom was experiencing and just how there wasn’t any kind of befriending or curiosity or acceptance or conversation or relating going on to the different parts of herself that wanted to be met.

Candice Wu 39:45

And how different it would be if the secret that your dad wanted to share was like your mom is going through this magical time. This, like, every month, and maybe I don’t get it. But it’s like, alive and there’s life-giving quality there and who knows what’s happening in this magical beautiful way? That would have been a whole different story.

Roxanne Partridge 40:17

Whole different story, yeah, absolutely.

Candice Wu 40:21

Wow.

Roxanne Partridge 40:22

And so, that, I know, attending to that and understand what this was kind of this menstrual backdrop.

Candice Wu 40:36

Yeah.

Roxanne Partridge 40:37

You know, and realizing too, like, you know, it definitely exists in my family and I think it is very alive in our culture of, you know, if a woman has a strong feeling or thought or opinion, you know, how the cycle or cyclicity is like, weaponized to silence or dismiss or devalue.

Candice Wu 41:10

Yeah, it’s rampant.

Roxanne Partridge 41:14

And so, of what it’s like to make space for a completely different approach like you’re suggesting, you know, like, that magic, a whole different way of welcoming in the cycle. And so like, that’s part of like, the personal motivation for me again, knowing that, like, of the personal experience of my mom, and then just knowing how historically this is such a common story, of really making space to listen and get to know who shows up at different phases of the cycle, all phases. And, one thing that I lead my clients through is getting to know their various menstrual selves and the premenstrual self as she may show up in different ways every cycle and how sometimes she can be this kind of dark informant as I like to say, you know? Yeah.

Roxanne Partridge 42:39

Her message may be raw.

Candice Wu 42:42

Yes.

Roxanne Partridge 42:42

It may be screaming. And, what it’s like not to judge her or reduce her to hormones but to really be curious about her.

Candice Wu 42:58

I think that is so important, you know, even women that, and myself, I’ve done it with that I’ve worked with and just here, you know, in my friendship circles or other arenas in psychology then there is this dismissing of what might happen, what messages we’re getting, what we’re saying, what we’re bothered by, we’re alive by, when we’re on our period. And it does get reduced to, Oh, are you on your cycle? And then it’s like, full stop period there in not a good way, in a silencing way.

Roxanne Partridge 43:44

Yes.

Candice Wu 43:45

Not the kind that like claims that and says, yeah. But yes, tell me more about who you see in your different phases of the cycle, or who your clients see.

Roxanne Partridge 44:01

Yeah. You know oftentimes as we get to know if it’s a moody menstrual self that comes through that oftentimes she’s a tremendous advocate for what like, the woman really wants or needs at that point in her life.

Candice Wu 44:24

Yeah.

Roxanne Partridge 44:25

And really uncompromising about it.

Candice Wu 44:28

I completely experienced that and I began to listen more on like, certain parts of my cycle because of that very raw, as you said, like, on a bash itself that screams what she knows she wants.

Roxanne Partridge 44:49

Yeah, and how it there’s this kind of thinning of the valve that happens.

Candice Wu 44:54

Yeah.

Roxanne Partridge 44:54

At that phase, you know, and in the body, premenstrually like, we heat up our body temperature is higher than at any other point like after ovulation. And I kind of think about this as this internal pressure cooker for our stuff, and, you know, whatever our, you know, kind of, ovulatory or post bleeding in our springtime selves who feel a little bit lighter, very focused, a little bit more maybe extroverted or go-getting and clear. You know, they move through the world in a different way, they have their gifts, they have their own style of being and the menstrual self kind of from an archetypal perspective, her style of being and what she has to offer is different and it can show up as like a desire to kind of clear, discern, get rid of things, relationships, jobs, people, you know really ground into like, Okay, this is what really works, you know, it’s kind of like an inner editor in a way.

Candice Wu 46:21

Yes.

Roxanne Partridge 46:22

And I can kind of like really there is such a resource. I mean at each phase of the cycle and I’m emphasizing the month the premenstrual on the menstrual because they’re the ones that usually get the worst rap you know that those marginalized parts of our psyche can really show up and they want attention. And you know what it’s like to befriend these marginalized parts of the psyche again, rather than silence them or just think okay, that’s like a negative mindset that I need to get rid of. But I’m just being curious like, okay, like, what is, who’s here? What does she need? What does she get? What’s important to her? And what does she get to experience when she receives what she truly needs? And typically, there’s a real softening that happens when the menstrual self gets what she needs.

Candice Wu 47:34

Yeah, I experience in a very spontaneous, quick way, like a deep breath and relief, which usually tells me like, that’s really what I need to do. And what you’re saying makes so much sense because during the menstrual cycle, we’re shedding, we’re letting something come off of us and sever from us and die. And it just is so in alignment, if that dark moody part of us, and maybe it’s not so dark and moody for some people, but that part of us that just knows exactly what needs to die and let go and it can be, at least for me a good wake up.

Roxanne Partridge 48:29

Yeah, there’s this wonderful like, death and rebirth that is in potential every cycle I feel and you know, I know some women who love to bleed and love the sensuality of the premenstrual and menstrual time, have liked the way that their body feels, the way that they want to respond to food and you know the way that they want to dress or just their whole central experience shifts and for some, it’s been like a question of like, a couple of clients I have like, really feel, really sexual, really gorgeous, really powerful when they bleed. That’s like this relief like you’re saying this, like, letting go and really being in themselves. And then the invitation being okay and how does this cycle through to the next phase?

Roxanne Partridge 49:37

You know we’re like, of how to carry that kind of gift of like, renewal and an integrated, it’s like if you think about maybe this, I think this might be a helpful analogy like if you go through, like a retreat weekend or deep ritual or initiation or something or a vision quest and it’s amazing and you have all these insights and all of these openings, and it’s like, yes. And what does this look like in the rest of my life? How do we bring this in?

Candice Wu 50:20

Yeah.

Roxanne Partridge 50:22

And that’s one thing that like, I’m really like, the idea of like, the sacred space, like, space is the main, I feel like it’s a big topic, space.

Candice Wu 50:35

Space for ourselves, space for discernment, you know, space to bleed, space —

Roxanne Partridge 50:47

Taking up space, exactly, occupying space, having yourself represented in cultural space, space and relationships, womb space, universe inside our bodies —

Candice Wu 51:09

That kind of space, outer space, and inner space.

Roxanne Partridge 51:14

Yeah, like all of those spaces. Ah, it’s something that I am thinking about every day and —

Candice Wu 51:23

We’re creating poetry here. Let’s just shift gears altogether.

Roxanne Partridge 51:31

Yeah.

Candice Wu 51:33

I got only next time.

Roxanne Partridge 51:36

But it’s like, you know the need for like, yeah the navigating, how to navigate all these different spaces and what wants to be integrated and what is, you know, what just wants to be its own space, you know, it’s like, to ground this is like you know, the space to just, to discern like, Okay, what am I carrying that isn’t mine, like, what have I inherited from my family, from culture, from, you know, different perspectives that I grew up with about what it is to be a woman, a person with a female anatomy, what it is to menstruate, have children, not have children, like, all these things.

Candice Wu 52:33

Yeah.

Roxanne Partridge 52:34

You know, to have this space to discern that and to really connect with what feels authentic and to like cultivate a fuller dynamic sense of self and not get caught into a single role. Because even if that role is true and meaningful, usually there are other roles that also want to be a part of life.

Candice Wu 53:02

The multiplicity.

Roxanne Partridge 53:03

Yeah. Right, and how to like, how to navigate the path. And so often, women will, in my experience, they’ll find a sense of spaciousness that feels really good or safe when it’s like in solitude and then it feels like well, being in a relationship or having a different kind of job may like, you know, or just like, it feels really vulnerable, the space, you know, and I’ve definitely experienced this myself like I’ve had, you know, there’s a big part of me that’s like a total lone wolf.

Candice Wu 53:53

Yeah.

Roxanne Partridge 53:54

And how to bring a sense of connection to my own inner multiplicity, my changing nature, my cyclicity all the different things and parts of myself that make me, how to bring that into my life and, you know, be in relationships or navigate different spaces or whatever. And it’s this kind of, I feel like we’re in this moment or this is all being very much explored.

Candice Wu 54:37

Yeah, very much. We have a lot more language for this and more connection and collaboration around it in bringing each other forward in support.

Candice Wu 54:55

So, with this, Roxanne, I know you also work with dreams a lot, and I’m wondering if there is a dream or dream fragment that has been striking you lately, or been alive with you?

Roxanne Partridge 55:22

Yeah, I’m recalling a dream. I wish I had my journal at hand. I’ve been dreaming so much lately.

Candice Wu 55:41

Have you? Wow!

Candice Wu 55:44

Yeah. Do you want to get it or just what feels right here?

Roxanne Partridge 55:48

It’s not close enough. Thank you.

Candice Wu 55:56

Take your time.

Roxanne Partridge 55:58

Yeah, there’s one in particular that I’m trying to draw up right now. It’s going to cooperate —

Candice Wu 56:04

Yeah.

Roxanne Partridge 56:05

Wants to show —

Candice Wu 56:06

Yes.

Candice Wu 56:16

It does have its own life, doesn’t it? Autonomy in a way. Yeah.

Roxanne Partridge 56:30

Oh, I’ll go with the dream I had this morning.

Roxanne Partridge 56:34

So this morning I dreamt of coastal mountains in California that are not on fire and being in these mountains and having this wonderful view of the ocean. And there are these kinds of in the dream the language was mountain title tide pools. These like, crevices in the mountains that were once tide pools and they were filled with flowers and the California poppy, that orange wonderful poppy flower wasn’t blue. And it was really beautiful and kind of have a surreal quality and it’s this familiar kind of landscape where I’ve spent a good number of years living in California and that landscape is really dear to me. You know.

Roxanne Partridge 57:45

And I am thinking about the dream now and I had it this morning before our conversation today and I’ve been thinking about this topic of space. You know, where the Land of California has really offered me a lot of space. And I would say through being with and on the land out there when I was really kind of going deep and I did you know my graduate studies out there. It was through a kind of dreaming and thinking and wrestling with the land that I was able to find greater inner space.

Roxanne Partridge 57:48

And it’s been a few years since I’ve been to California and it was in the dream where I’m looking into these mountain top tide pools of blue poppy flowers and it felt like a blue color like, it changed from orange to blue and it was this kind of this, like, there was this sort of feeling tone of sadness and nostalgia.

Roxanne Partridge 59:17

And in the dream, I found myself saying a lot of things like, well, this is where I used to back when I was here I did this, all this kind of past tense stuff. And, I love recognizing that like, yes, like, this actual place opened up this inner space within me and I think there are, I know there are times when I long for that landscape to hold space for me. And I also know that well, you know, I’m sure I feel great if I went back to visit, that there’s something about like, the practice of space within myself, you know, no longer needs to or can or wants to be held by that particular landscape, if that makes sense, you know.

Roxanne Partridge 1:00:44

Feeling into it again, like, just taking it as a dream that came forward on the day of our talk, and embodiment and embodying our nature, embodying ourselves, period, of you know, it’s kind of like this remembrance, you know, of like, there is inner space, you know, and like, yeah, this actual place held back for you. And you’re like, you know, I’m just kind of pointing my attention towards what’s holding it for me now. You know, what are the ways of practicing and enacting and living space and all these different ways that we’re talking about right and like taking up space and holding space.

Candice Wu 1:01:46

There’s so much that’s breathing about what you’re saying and it almost made me think of this actual place, being more physical marker for a birth of your inner space, like, a home away and yet there’s this part of you that once, maybe a different embodiment of that or separation from physical, actual place, but taking that with you in a way. Those are my words but yeah, that’s just what it made me think of.

Roxanne Partridge 1:02:30

Yeah, you know and I think that’s part of where I find my own daily sense of aliveness is in these very mundane, small moments, of grounding into where I am in the Hudson Valley, and the present really. I don’t know how else to say it.

Candice Wu 1:03:15

Yeah.

Roxanne Partridge 1:03:15

You know, and of remembering that space is here.

Candice Wu 1:03:25

Yeah, and wherever you are.

Candice Wu 1:03:32

Thank you for sharing that.

Candice Wu 1:03:37

And I’m very excited to share with everyone, your meditation on rewilding your sexual ecology and that’ll be coming up here and link to your episode as well. Do you want to say anything about that?

Roxanne Partridge 1:03:55

Yeah, I’d love to. I mean, we’ve been talking a lot about menstrual selves. Another piece here is our sexual selves. And likewise, you know how knowing the different figures of our sexual essence can bring us home to our kind of native, wild, inner sexual landscape.

Roxanne Partridge 1:04:26

And so this offering of rewilding your sexual ecology is an invitation to journey into your inner native sexual landscape and taking multiple levels of life force, you know, Kundalini energy, arousal, desire, joy, where you feel aliveness and to see who comes through. Yeah.

Roxanne Partridge 1:04:58

I’ve invited women to explore, you know, where they feel most centrally alive and the images that sometimes come through have oftentimes even nothing to do with a bedroom, you know, or a partner even, it’s like being barefoot and singing in their kitchen.

Candice Wu 1:05:02

Yeah.

Roxanne Partridge 1:05:18

It’s just like, you know, where you feel like your body just feels like, expansive. And, you know, it’s an invitation to really kind of locate that and you know, having this ecological amplification of reintroducing that wild, native sexual archetype essence species into the landscape of your life, you know, and how to have it take up space and how to have, you know, imagine it forward and to experiment in introducing reintroducing your native, wild sexual essence into your life, you know, from the day to day to your sexual pleasure, you know, everywhere.

Candice Wu 1:06:14

Everywhere. Yes. It’s really lovely. So I invite everyone to check that out. It’s some other words I wrote down where rivers and vital energy and I really liked that.

Candice Wu 1:06:32

Thank you for offering that and would you like to say anything about your hypnotherapy, the free downloads you have or the workshops that you offer in New York, and retreats, you also have one on one sessions and a million things that you’re offering that are just gorgeous, magical, and look so meaningful.

Roxanne Partridge 1:06:59

Thank you. Yeah, you can check out several free downloads of hypnotherapy practices that run 20, 30 minutes long. There’s one called Remembering Womb, which is a wonderful way to drop into your womb space with some really nurturing energy. So I always recommend that as a way to kind of befriend womb space and kind of return to yourself. I think it’s a great way to ground and there are several others there too, that you can explore and check out.

Roxanne Partridge 1:07:43

I have monthly women’s councils called Body Storm, and we’re going on a brief winter hibernation after this month but we’ll be coming back in the spring and those take the form of a talking circle that have verbal and movement visioning involved here in Hudson, New York.

Roxanne Partridge 1:08:13

And then, there’s Flame Retrieval, which is a retreat coming up in April. It’s a weekend retreat held here in Hudson. And really ends up body, soul, spirit, heart, mind, kind of initiation into tending your inner flame and retrieving your inner flame if it feels lost or low. And whether that, you know, be showing itself through creative blocks or shut down in the body and really welcoming in wherever you are so often I hear from women like, is it okay if I bring my story here? Is it too negative? Is it too dark? Am I going to overwhelm me? Oh, is this too much?

Roxanne Partridge 1:09:14

And to all of that, I say, Welcome. Come, you know, as this shameful, you know, and there’s such a vital life force in that darkness. And so, really welcoming that not only in, yeah, definitely the Flame Retrieval retreat, but, and all of these different doorways into embodying yourself fully in your life.

Candice Wu 1:09:51

Thank you. That’s wonderful. And where can people find that?

Roxanne Partridge 1:09:55

EmbodyPeriod.com/workshops

Candice Wu 1:10:00

Thank you, Roxanne. I feel like we could talk for days and a long time, and is there anything now that’s coming up that feels vital or alive to share or to say as we close here today.

Roxanne Partridge 1:10:25

I think something that I would love to water the ears of listeners with is that soul is revealing itself to you through your embodied experience, whether it’s menstrually or sexually related or behavioral or story, to remember and to be curious about how is soul showing up through us? What is soul expressing through us and to turn towards yourself just as you’d want to turn towards a beloved, just as you’d want a beloved to turn towards you, to turn towards yourself with curiosity and openness and to invite yourself through these moments back to yourself?

Candice Wu 1:11:45

Thank you. I hear that. I hear you.

Roxanne Partridge 1:11:53

Thank you so much.

Candice Wu 1:11:54

Thank you for watering my ears.

Roxanne Partridge 1:11:57

Yeah, I wish we could talk so much more

Candice Wu 1:12:00

Wonderful.

Roxanne Partridge 1:12:01

We will. All the correlations between your work and list could go on and on.

Candice Wu 1:12:08

Absolutely. Thank you so much, Roxanne and it’s been fabulous to have you. It’s been so good to be here. Thank you.

Candice Wu 1:12:24

Wow, I was so grateful to have you, Roxanne, on the show and I learned so much and just your vibrancy calls forward so much in me that remembers myself and imagination and bringing forward my process and really embracing it. You are this validating force for embracing what is real and true and alive.

Candice Wu 1:12:58

Thank you so much and all of you out there listening, thank you for joining us. I hope this was inspiring to you as well and be sure to listen to Roxanne’s meditation on rewilding your sexual ecology, which is in connection with this episode but will come out later this week if you’re subscribed.

Candice Wu 1:13:17

If you want to go straight to their website and find it right now you can find it at CandiceWu.com/roxanne.

Candice Wu 1:13:26

Before we go and end with a couple of reverberations of Roxanne’s work, I want to invite you to connect with me on my newsletter that comes out once or twice a month at CandiceWu.com/embody, where you can receive updates about where I am in the world and what’s happening with the horses or receive self — notes and updates about the podcast and be sure to check out Roxanne’s work at embodyperiod.com.

Candice Wu 1:13:55

So I want to echo her words: How is soul showing up through this? What of soul is showing through my experience? And also to ask you, what is your story? What is the backdrop of your menstrual story?

Candice Wu 1:14:17

Thanks so much for joining us today on the Embody podcast and see you next time.

Candice Wu 0:00

This experiential with Roxanne Partridge is a beautiful invitation to rewild your sexual self.

Hello and welcome. You’re listening to the Embody Podcast, a show about remembering and embodying your true nature, inner wisdom, Embodied Healing, and self-love. My name is Candice Wu and I’m a holistic healing facilitator, intuitive coach, and artist sharing my personal journey of vulnerability, offering meditations and guided healing support, and having co-creative conversations with healers and wellness practitioners from all over the world.

Welcome, and it’s wonderful to have you here. I’m so excited to introduce Roxanne Partridge to you here. She has her full podcast at CandiceWu.com/roxanne where we talk all about befriending the many parts of ourselves that come through the menstrual and premenstrual cycle, where we explore the invitations of what life shows us, where life shows us about the soul, how to be curious and connect with the menstrual backdrop of your life, feeling alive and in tune with the darkness and the depth of who we are, to bring our own magic to the surface, all of that is just wonderfully enlivened through conversation with Roxanne so be sure to check that out. And now, without further ado, is Roxanne.

Roxanne Partridge 1:53

Welcome to rewilding your sexual ecology, Dr. Roxanne Partridge of Embody Period and I’ve created this hypnotherapy experience for you to deepen into your inner sexual wilderness landscape, gently moving beyond the layers of conditioning we have all received around sexuality and meeting authentic pleasure, the deep joy of your embodied essence.

Please go ahead and lie down if you haven’t done so already. Get as comfortable as possible, making sure your body feels totally supported from head to toe. Pull a blanket over you if you’d like to feel cozy, as well as to help you deepen into your body, with that extra weight of a blanket.

Settle in, settle into the space, placing your hands over your pelvis.

Good, and now taking several deep breaths.

This is your time, so relax into it. Letting your breath deep and down under the palms of your hands and notice what it’s like to deepen your breath down beneath your belly and to bring it all the way down into your pelvis. Letting your pelvis receive your deep, steady, relaxed breathing right now and allowing your breath and your attention, your awareness to nourish the space between your fingers, the space beneath your palm, bringing warmth and is and relaxation here in between your hips.

And as you do this, your hips begin to relax and open, letting your legs loose, feet at ease, opening from your pelvis down and out.

Eyes closed, eyelids heavy, muscles of your face, relax. Your lips part gently as your jaw relaxes and your head becomes heavy and perhaps even droops a little, the energy of your forehead, your third eye, beginning to draw downwards and inwards.

As your attention moves down, your body relaxing, arms, elbows, back, and shoulder muscles relaxing into your core.

Good.

Feel and imagine a channel of energy now between your third eyes space and your pelvis, your root. Feel and imagine this core of energy moving from your third eye down to your pelvis.

Imagine and feel this as a river. A river that is tidal and can move in both directions. And right now, we’re moving from your third eye down into your pelvis. So feel and see this channel of energy run through your core, connecting your breath from one place to the other.

As we begin to take a journey down this river of energy, beginning here in your third eye, this place of inner visioning, feeling and sensing yourself afloat on a raft or a wonderful tube drifting down this easeful, relaxing river of your energy. Feeling yourself move clearly. This water runs with ease. It runs fresh and clear, gently drifting down through your head and neck, visualizing and sensing yourself as you do this moving down this river and opening up your inner visioning to the landscape.

Beginning to perceive and sense what’s around you on all sides. Noticing the shorelines and what’s here. Perhaps there are trees, fields or mountains, notice what’s here in your own, in our bioregion, as you drift down through your heart space and your solar plexus space and down into your belly, and down beyond into space beneath your palm, the inner place of your sexual ecology coming to stillness here.

Then finding a place for yourself to rest whether it be upon the shore, on a rock, the sand, the grass, bringing yourself to a place of stillness here in the base of your sacks and breathing deeply.

Put the organs and tissues of your sexual ecology. A vital place of your fertile creativity, power, essence, and joy as you land here in this domain. Noticing the air, the light, what grows here.

You meet the homeplace of an inner vital figure of your joy, of your wild, free, sexual essence and she shows herself to you now. A Mary Jane from the landscape, perhaps she comes from the river itself. Perhaps she comes out of the trees or on the horizon and she makes her way towards you and notice how she shows her mood, her way of moving. Perhaps she’s dancing. Perhaps she’s moving slow and steady, arms open like a goddess. Perhaps she kind of just floats in a completely enchanting way over the landscape.

Notice her energy and her style right now and she comes to you and takes your hands and pulls you lovingly into her orb of energy, introducing you to her way of being. And in this moment, her way of being becomes your way of being and together you amplify and expand this essential, vital energy throughout your entire being, throughout this entire landscape and body place, your whole pelvis illuminated and energized and nurtured.

As the two of you become one in this life energy, feel yourself here needing this source of your wild sexual essence, knowing that this lives organically, natively within you and now that you know that this is what lives here, you can bring this energy forward, upriver, traveling with it throughout your entire being, introducing this vital energy that is wild and native to your sexuality, to your sensuality, to your creative essence, introducing, reintroducing this native essence to the fullness of your being, welcoming its power into your solar plexus, welcoming this life force into your heart, feeling your heart expand with its presence of your wildly authentic pleasure, feeling as you continue to move up the river, feeling your sexual essence meet your throat and open your throat and hear and feel the words, the language of this native sexual energy.

What did she say? What is she sing to the world? And feeling you rise and travel further up and out into your third eye, opening your third eye, with her presence that is yours and noticing how she sees the world and your place in it and how you body your wildness forward.

Imagining right now and seeing, knowing it to be true, how you move forward in the world but the wildness of your sexual ecology moving through you, allowing yourself to feel completely energized by this throughout your entire body, feeling it in your toes, your hands, feeling it in the sides of your face, perhaps now, even smiling a little, breathing and expanding into this life force energy and noticing how the landscape of your waking life completely ships in small and significant ways now that this organic, wild, native source of your sexuality has been realized.

Deep breath.

Feeling into the palms your hands, turning the palms of your hands now, upwards and outwards, expanding your arms, opening your arms into a great big stretch of wings, bringing them above your head, stretching out your legs and feet, feeling your pelvis warm, hips open, chest open, back, maybe even arching a little, let your head fall back, mouth open in total pleasure. Expand it and your wild sexual ecology.

Thank you for the vital rewilding work. Body for wild throughout the rest of your day and the rest of your life.

Candice Wu 20:20

As you come out of this experience with Roxanne, take your own time to come back to your surroundings. Support yourself in any way you need to. This is all about you and what you need right now to support yourself, to support your sexual being and as Roxanne invites us to, I invite you also to see how this experience can be brought forward into your life. Thanks so much for taking the time today.

Candice Wu 0:00

This episode is about the deep mystery of life, energetic transmissions and downloads that I’ve been receiving, things that you cannot explain, and I talked about past life memory, coming up through the experience of my elbow.

Candice Wu 0:18

Hello and welcome. You’re listening to the Embody Podcast, a show about remembering and embodying your true nature, inner wisdom, embodied healing, and self-love. My name is Candice Wu, and I’m a holistic healing facilitator, intuitive coach, and artist, sharing my personal journey of vulnerability, offering meditations and guided healing support, and having co-creative conversations with healers and wellness practitioners from all over the world.

Candice Wu 0:52

Here’s a trigger warning for this episode. In this episode, I talk about rape, violence, interracial conflict, the uterus and vagina, and different past life experiences that come up around this. If those are sensitive to you or you’re not interested, you can feel free to jump to the experientials that are connected with this episode or you can look on the show notes and find where to jump in at the places that are past these topics, and if you are clicking on your, the thing you listen to, for podcasting, if you have some sort of app, sometimes you can see the different time markers and stamps, the titles for each section, and you can skip past to pass where the disclaimer points are the trigger warning points are.

Candice Wu 1:44

In this episode, I talk about things that I cannot prove, things I don’t have evidence for, except for me, and my being, my knowing and my body communicating that it’s resonating. I talk about past life, experiences a particular past life memory that connects itself to so many different memories and experiences I have in the present life, that all seemed to make sense to me, but you may be listening and thinking, well, I don’t believe in past life experiences, you don’t have to. It’s good to be skeptical, and also tune into what you feel. It’s also good to be able to let the mindset to the side, the mental logic so that you can receive something else if that’s interesting for you, but regardless of whether you believe in past life experiences, you might be interested in the story of how I brought some healing to my elbow, into my uterus, and the different things that connected up with.

Candice Wu 2:55

Later in the episode, I talk about the mystery of life, that is you and being in your specific energetic signature, what you were born to be in this life, and connecting with different ways of knowing. So, let’s jump in.

Candice Wu 3:14

Last week, I spoke about how I’ve been working with my elbow, there has been some pain there since mid-January, end of January when I was in Ireland, and the feeling I had at that time was that it just happened very quickly. It was nothing I particularly did, it seemed, physically. But suddenly, I had this very sharp and also deep pain in my elbow, right at the joint, which when I did certain movements, like twisted my arm, palm face down, and as far as it could go, it would be painful or lifting something a certain way, like grabbing something and lifting it upwards would be painful.

Candice Wu 3:58

So, all these different movements, and I recall a time when way back, I don’t know, 15 years ago, if something in my body would feel funny, I’d tell someone and they might say to me, “Well, just don’t do that movement.” And that just, it just didn’t really make sense to me, or like stop doing that, that thing that you’re doing, and I think there’s a place for seeing maybe a repetitive pattern and movements of your body and doing something to balance that or doing something different. But I also felt the instant that this feeling came into my body, it also connected with my low back, the left low back. And it felt like, “Whoa!” This is obviously very emotional, spiritual, and at this point in my life, I’m attuned to all that anyway, so, it was clear that something wanted to reach me, and to be known through me something really deep that wanted to surface so that I could claim even more of myself and know myself more deeply if wanted to be healed.

Candice Wu 5:11

So, if you listen to that last episode, Conversations with the Body, or if you didn’t listen, and you want to it’s at CandiceWu.com/conversationswiththebody. I talked briefly about some of the experiences that came out of the elbow, and that it’s still painfully there. It’s far less than before, and I also offer different experientials that you could use to connect with your body, to support your relationship with your body and turning on all of the different languages, that your spirit, soul, body, mind and heart use to communicate with you, to tell you what’s going on or to inform you of what it wants you to look at, in your present life or in your past, something that wants to be resolved, and the more we can tune in with that, with all the different ways that our being is communicating to us more we can listen. I find that we’re in the flow of our lives and who we are, we’re in harmony with all the parts of ourselves, they have a voice and a place.

Candice Wu 6:26

Do you think about being on a team, and whether that’s like a sports team or a work team, and if someone isn’t getting heard, that’s trying to say something very important. We’re trying to offer something and people ignore this one person, the whole team is out of balance, there’s a tension, there’s a resistance against some part, and I liken that to our inner parts, and who we are, all the parts of us, and all the ways that we are trying to be communicated to from deep inner parts of ourselves. If we’re resisting certain things that are speaking to us, then there’s a tension inside, that’s dis-ease. We don’t have to listen and believe everything, but to be able to witness it, and put it in its right place, in terms of sort out, if that’s the truth, if that’s something that wants to be healed. If that’s just a floating thought, that really doesn’t have much weight in me, or if, “Wow, this thing, this thought or experience or sensation in my body is really crying loudly to me.” And it may be getting even more intense as we resist it.

Candice Wu 7:53

If we try to continue to resist what’s wanting to be heard, and just acknowledged, then it will find a way to become stronger and stronger and fortify itself or find a way that will hit you in the place that you listen. Sometimes, that places hitting you financially, or sometimes it’s hitting you in the body where some part of your physical body starts to be in pain or not function as well, and we have to pay attention or we become exhausted or all of the above. Where it shows up in a relationship, and there’s conflict, a certain kind, that wants to direct you to look at something in yourself, something that’s just desperately asking us to look so we can feel even more empowered inside and responsible for our own lives, responsible for our energies.

Candice Wu 8:53

So, that episode “Conversations with the Body: Body Love and Multi-Language — EP82” was two weeks ago, and I want to follow this thread what’s going on with my elbow, and follow-up here. I saw my acupuncturist in Chicago twice. His name is Brent Garcia. He’s excellent. He is also on the podcast, early on in the podcast. He and I explored shame together. We talked about the light and the dark, and the fullness of our experience and what wants to be seen through us, and he spoke about his way of acupuncture, which is a Japanese way. It’s very gentle, and he’s super energetic, so does some Reiki sometimes, and it’s also a licensed massage therapist. He has a very full dimension in him of his work, and yet stays within the bounds of his work. But you know, me being me, I bring all sorts of stuff, and his presence is just the right presence for me at the moment to reveal, to allow things to reveal, and that is exactly what happened.

Candice Wu 10:06

In the two sessions a lot came up with my elbow, and I was ready for it. But I want to start the story with before I got to Chicago. If you’ve been following my Instagram, you might have seen that I decided to take on a project, I bought a used manual car, I really liked driving a manual, it just helps me feel like I can learn something and master something, and I have a different sense of creativity and control, and I created a hatchback camper. So, I created a sort of like a platform. So, there was flatness with plywood and hinges, and have a foam mattress that goes in the back and made curtains all sorts of stuff. So, I decided to take my mobile home on an adventure and go camping before I got to Chicago, like on the way to Chicago. I chose a campsite that had rustic sites and improved sites, which I think had like a bunch of electricity and better bathrooms, etc. So, something in me was like, I want to have the most rustic experience I can possibly have, I want to just be in the middle of the woods, and I think I’ve always had that deep yearning like to be in the stillness of the woods and to be at home in nature, submerged, immersed.

Candice Wu 11:38

And so it was a beautiful idea, until it got to be like 11 pm and it was pitch black, and I was hearing noises all around me. So, this is me sleeping in my car, and having to make the decision whether to close all the windows and lock doors or keep these sort of like window socks that I have on, which are like fabric screens that allow air to come through but no mosquitoes. So, I chose to keep those on with the doors locked, but really, you know, someone could just reach right through or move the fabric. If they knew to do that or once they saw what the scenario was, and I chose this because I could then hear if anyone was coming along, anyone coming close. I thought about leaving but I had set up all my stuff. It just felt also scary to pack up all my stuff at that moment and leave, and some deep part of me knew that everything was going to be okay, and another part of me knew well, I didn’t really know that.

Candice Wu 12:54

And at some point, I decided to stick it out. It was probably when I found my steak knife and decided to sleep with that in my hands. I didn’t sleep very well. The nervous system was pretty afraid but some grounding kept me okay, and eventually, at like three o’clock I felt like: “Okay, I passed the witching hour. I have gotten through it. And I’m going to be okay”, so I ended up sleeping the rest of the night. But what was coming up, before I could manage to fall asleep, I was just allowing what wanted to be seen about this to emerge, and what was coming up was me asking myself, “Well, what do I really fear? Is it the animals? What is it, is it people?” And it was the feeling that if anything happened to me, that nobody would know, that it was so distant, it was distant enough that people wouldn’t be able to hear me or come help.

Candice Wu 14:02

And then, I felt the specific fear, I had the image of a man coming right up close to me, like to the right side of my body about a foot away from my head, and the fear was that I would be hurt, taken and brutally raped. Perhaps a lot of women or smaller people, I don’t know. I can’t really speak for everyone else, but perhaps many other people also have that fear. But this, this fear, this image is very specific for me. And it’s something that while I was on this camping trip, I realized has been with me since I was young. When I was like five or six, I remember having the same fear, exactly, and a man coming right up close to me and coming up too close for me to have a realized too quick. So, I just took note of that. Hmm, interesting. You know, I’ve had this fear forever, like a terrifying fear when I was younger. When I was at home, I would be afraid that someone will come through the window or come from the closet. Yes, maybe normal childhood fears but a very specific brand and flavor.

Candice Wu 15:22

So, as I noted that I got to Chicago, had some beautiful workshops, constellations workshops, and restorative yoga and somatic experiencing workshop at the neighborhood studio Bloom Yoga Studio I love, and the family constellations workshops were the restore the love the flow of love, workshops, and they were just deep and powerful, and through this, I’d seen my acupuncturist, Brent. So, this is when it all comes together I love, it’s just really amazing when many pieces of things that I’ve sensed or noticed, and maybe even didn’t notice before but realized later all come together.

Candice Wu 16:08

I talked about an experience of a past life trauma, where I, after falling off a horse twice while I was in Spain last year, it revealed itself. I think I talked about it in the episode Past Life Trauma: Unfolding Freedom, it’s Episode 49, and you can find it at CandiceWu.com/ep49. That is part of the puzzle here because what I learned from my healing work around a falling off a horse twice, I knew that I wanted to heal to make sure that I wasn’t going to take on or allow something to manifest this trauma, if you can be really present with what’s happening and allow what wants to happen right there and be with it or at least as early as possible from an incident, and you can have a resource and allow the body to do what it needs to and it doesn’t become trauma.

Candice Wu 17:09

Trauma is the experience of overwhelm that stops the process from happening and manifest later so we can complete it. That’s one way to look at it, and so I was working with the falls and realizing that it was a much deeper issue and realized that it was a past life experience of being with a horse and then my healer had intuited that I got really stubborn about a decision, and other people were telling me what to do and I got just, you know, got on my horse and ran away, but I got in trouble, and it wasn’t the horse that got me in trouble or being with the horse. But that somewhere in this experience, I had died, is what I knew and what I felt. But it wasn’t really important at that time to know what the other details were. I just got what I needed at that time. Well, that experience came back and it wove into what was going on in my elbow.

Candice Wu 18:23

So, while I was in my session with Brent, at some point, he was doing some gentle touch on my arm, my right arm, and elbow, and it was really fascinating to allow this feeling that my hand my arm wanted to reach out to a man, specifically a male energy or person, and to know that they were actually there, to feel the kindness of this male presence, that my acupuncturist embodied at that moment for me. And what revealed after that were the words “you left me to die, you left me to die” and so I got curious about where that came from, and I’ve certainly had my share a whole armful, one could say, of attachment issues and relational trauma with my father. And maybe, those words applied there — “you left me to die” — in a way, yes, and in a way, not quite like there’s a different angle of you left me to die.

Candice Wu 19:37

So, I stayed with it kept feeling it, and I could feel the pain of that, the pain and the hurt and the betrayal. Eventually, Brent left the room, leaving me with some needles in very poignant spots, and I stayed with my imagination and what was coming to me, and I know when something feels like it’s hitting the spot when my body responds, when my emotions come flooding in or some sensation happens inside that is the resonance of my body saying, “Yes, there’s a memory of this. Yes, this, these are the words that can describe what happened or what I went through.” I don’t always say, all right, yep, these are exactly the facts, and I don’t know that it’s important in my book, at least, they don’t, these things don’t seem of consequential importance in this life. You know, if I feel I have a past life experience, and it gave me healing to recognize it, and it gives me strength to let it work its way through imagine, imagine what I wanted to happen instead or notice what did happen and honor, and then that whole thing releases in my body, if I stay with the emotions and the sensation, and I feel more whole afterward, and I also feel like I can then take with me the embodied wisdom that was of that life.

Candice Wu 21:20

All this to say, maybe these things didn’t happen, and yet doesn’t really matter because I feel like I have more of myself, and I feel like it can be part of my story. It is part of my story. So, back to me lying on the table here with some needles in my body, and I realized that I’m holding my dad’s hand, not my dad in this life, in a past life, in some life, another world. It feels that we’re Cherokee, it feels that we’re Native American. This is my tribe. He’s my father. He’s an important man. It feels like I’m saying to him, “You left me to die. You left me to die.” And as I stayed with it, and pictured him, I actually heard in me sensed in me and heard the words, “Yes, you’re right, I left you to the wolf. That’s only because we had to run, that’s only because we had to survive and fight, and you couldn’t do that. You were really far gone.”

Candice Wu 22:38

So, that got my curiosity, like, oh, it felt true, and why was I so far gone? And I felt myself lying, like in a pool of my own blood, and then as I looked, he was to my right, as I look to the left, I saw in sort of a flash of different parts all at once. Different parts of the timeline of the story all at once, that I was, in fact, brutally raped, and it was by a white man, and on our lands, and several men that he was with. But there was one particular one that lead the pack, and no one was around, that would help me. No one was around.

Candice Wu 23:34

So, that brought me back to the feeling of camping, and my fear that if nobody was around, no one could help me and I would die, I could die, and here it was, the real terror, the real thing that seemed to have happened, this thing that I feel has happened in a past experience that nobody was around, and my body was desecrated. It was as if the white man knew to come after the heart of the tribe, the uterus, the creative center, the young life of the tribe, which was me or, you know, I was one of them, and I felt like my uterus and vagina was like, desecrated, taken, and the words like, “You took something from me,” came up. And interestingly enough, those words came to me, those were the words I used in a recent experience with someone in a relationship, and I was surprised that I use those words, because I don’t really believe that they, that person was taking something from me, but it just came out out of my mouth, like you took something from me, and you took it and now, I can’t have it back, like it’s gone.

Candice Wu 25:10

So, there, I just like, I realized, wow, there’s another piece of the puzzle, like, this is why I felt this way, and it was in particular, that this particular relationship I had in the present day was with a white man, and there was a racial component that felt like it was coming alive, something, some bond that I had that wanted to be seen in some way or worked out in some way. And I don’t know, you know, some people might say that, maybe that was the same person that was in the past life that rapes me, I, my mind didn’t go that far, and it just went there in this moment, as I’m speaking to this now, which I’ll have to feel into later to see if that feels accurate, maybe, wow, just felt in a little bit. We’ll see, but there was a lot of anger about, like, aspects of our interactions that I felt were violent, and when I saw this image lying on the table, and my acupuncturist, I felt like, “Oh, I get it now, I get why I was trying to work that out with this person in my life right now.”

Candice Wu 26:37

So, back to the story. To rewind a bit to piece it all together, I was riding my horse, a horse that I was very in tune with, and I had gone flying off on my own, out to the middle of nowhere, perhaps or out somewhere I hadn’t been. Regardless, it was alone, and I was attacked, brutally and raped, and it came to me as, like a huge blindside, I was just not aware, because I think I was just so focused on what I wanted to do that it felt like this man came up to me really close, really fast, and I couldn’t stop it. And after that, during that my horse ran off, I have the feel that I’m a little uncertain what happened there and may not be important, I could have been off of my horse, and we just resting and then my horse ran off because he sensed danger or perhaps I was on my horse, and this all happened and maybe I got wounded or something and fell off or got ripped off the horse.

Candice Wu 27:59

Either way, the horse ran off scared, and I was with this man, this white man, and experiencing this extreme violence and rape, and hurt and power over me. And in that moment, I felt myself experience that nobody, nobody can hear me but I had the wisdom to talk to the horses, I kept my connection with my horse inside, can’t help come back for me. I can feel it now in my words, I can feel it in my heart, like how beautiful that connection is, but also how painful the experience was, and I feel that connection of psychic ability with horses, like being in the spirit world and connecting with communication that is not directly, like right next to her and words but in a knowing in an energy. That was something that Sara Fancy reminded me of. She’s the horse constellations person that I spent five days with and with her horses, her herd there, and she one day, just said to me, “Oh, yeah, you can just talk with her psychically and ask if they want to be touched.”

Candice Wu 29:31

And it felt like it opened up this whole knowing of, well, I know how to do this, like, this is something that’s second nature to me, and this image of this past life experiences really clear as to why, because I was so in connection with my horse and the horses, and they were part of me and part of the land, part of the tribe, and we love each other. And so, I here I am telling my horse, like, “Go get help coconut, my father, and he did, and that’s when my father found me on the floor, left to die, and he in the clarity of the spirit, I hear the words from him saying, ”I didn’t really leave you to die. He did.“ Like, the white man did, and we had to protect the family. And I heard myself say, ”Dad, you haven’t left anything.“ There’s a feeling in myself that the white man took something from me, and my recovery, in that moment, the restoration and healing in this moment of me, more so, in the present-day spirit connection, said, ”I have life, I have everything and you have life.” Please know that I am alive, and they can never take who I am away and who you are away, and I felt the deep breath, a lot of tears in grief. I didn’t quite feel much anger. At this time, I think in my present-day life, I had spent a lot of time feeling anger, lately, and in a long span of my life working with anger. So, here I just felt a lot of grief and a lot of pain.

Candice Wu 31:54

There are also things I haven’t mentioned yet. If you listen to my podcast about a year and a half ago, when I was in Bali, the one that is on spiritual crisis, it’s Episode 13, CandiceWu.com/ep13. This episode is where I talked about having a UTI and all this stuff that was coming up around from the feminine and how it was moving through my body and anger, and there have been a few things that have come up lately where there I felt some tension in my uterus, and as I’ve talked to it, it has said, “Let me be free, you know, stop trying to constrict me.” And there’s a lot of insight that is coming from those words, more than I’m going to say here. It can feel very private, to speak to what that means at the moment, but there is a thing I can say now is that feels like my uterus, my body, my vagina, my whole being, my heart wants to be able to love totally freely and without fear, like resolving the fear, and then being in the free-loving, and to acknowledge all that I love. And that one love doesn’t overtake another or cancel another out, but that it all can exist together, the circle for love is much greater.

Candice Wu 33:35

So, all of this stuff that was coming to me on the table, and my acupuncturist was really connecting with all these different parts of my body that were speaking, not just my elbow, but my uterus, all these different experiences that were part of the puzzle piece to this one past life experience that seems to complete, complete something in me, and also gives me a lot more clarity. I’ve always had a connection with Native American ceremony, ritual, and tradition. Whether or not I know, like what it is or not, I haven’t been very, very studied in it, but have connected and picked up things along the way, and they just feel like home to me. They feel really like something I’ve known before, and this gives me a lot clearer picture of why and how I was so connected with the land and tribe, animals, plants, that’s very much in my being.

Candice Wu 34:50

So, I feel a lot more at peace to the past part of me, feels more resolved and has reclaimed what felt like it was taken from me, and I feel really resourced by the horses, also by men, my father, and the tribe, the women as well, and the earth. I feel that the earth took care of me and saw me, saw the experience, the animals heard, psychically heard the experience, knew the experience even though they weren’t there witnessing it. What I mean is that the violence and the rape, and also I felt like I couldn’t scream, in that experience, I couldn’t even shout, and I wondered why and I felt my neck being sliced, I felt like my vocal cords were cut out. And yeah, I couldn’t scream, and that’s something that I have connected within a lot of different places like culture, really being Chinese, there’s a lot of silence, not being able to speak for different reasons, you know, people died when they spoke out, but in this recovery, I realized that my creative force isn’t actually taken away, even though in this life, I died this way, and there’s some cellular memory of my body that remembers this, and felt like I had been lost in that. But like, I as a whole being of love and awareness and consciousness. I, as this particular individual soul, had been taken, and parts of me have been taken, and that really isn’t true, even though the experience was that in that moment, but now I feel a lot of restoration, I feel I could never die, I feel I am always alive, and I will live on and you will live on.

Candice Wu 37:12

This is my message to my father and that life, you will have more, and that really gave me a lot of life and breath, grief moving, and I can feel the pain of the lineages, the white man, white patriarchy, white fear, tribe, the tribe’s fear and violence and protection. This is not all to blame white men at all. It’s really to show, to illuminate the violence, pain, and fear that is living in all of us, with that, particularly, I experienced through my body and that life. So, I recognize you may or may not believe in past lives. This may sound “whoo” to you or who knows what. If you’ve listened this far, that means something, that’s interesting but I can understand if this is not your cup of tea. And I’m about to talk about a few more out there things perhaps, you know, in a past self of mine, I would have thought these things were really out there but also knowing that feeling this knowing that I think this is true, but I have no proof or I have no, you know, I can’t quite, I just can’t prove it, but more things I can’t prove in this episode.

Candice Wu 38:52

Shortly after having this experience, I met up with Darshan Mendoza, who is a beautiful, beautiful person living in Hawaii, and she experienced the volcano erupt a year ago and wrote a book about it. I have interviewed her for the podcast, she, her interviews coming up in a couple of weeks, like the end of August, so, stay tuned for that. You can find it at CandiceWu.com/darshan, once that publishes, but I met up with her in Chicago, she was there what amazing timing, for me, for us, and among many things we talked about, she, after hearing the story of my past life, and the healing that’s coming through, told me about the book, The Sophia Code. It’s written by Kaia Ra who channels information and has experienced some very brutal experiences through sex trafficking when she was just a young kid, and yet has been able to still keep her ability to channel very clear. And one day, a voice came to her it was brutal, really loud, and it was saying, “I’m Sophia”, and Sophia is the Divine Feminine, creator, Sophia Gaia, Mother Earth, the feminine Christ consciousness.

Candice Wu 40:31

And so, I’m listening to this book on Audible, and it’s a bit robotic, the way she speaks on it, I think maybe she was trying to say it this way or something, I’m not sure, but still, since she’s set this book with a vibration of what she received in her interactions and channeling, I’m feeling an incredible energetic transmission. I’m receiving this like, download, it’s like, you could just hit download, and then it loads in, you know, you’re watching the percentage of something downloading, and as it goes higher and higher, like I’m feeling it in my body, it’s pushing out all of what the fears, the grief, the suffering that was in its place before, and filling my body with more knowing and love.

Candice Wu 41:25

So, what I’m getting from this, specifically, is that it’s not words that I, or thoughts that I haven’t heard before, or thought about before taking in before, but from this specific frequency, it’s extremely powerful. It’s different for me, it’s bringing another dimension in, and the words that are specifically bringing me more are the words, Sophia Dragon Tribe, and Star Nation, the White Buffalo Woman, all these words that she’s bringing in these words that signify an energy in a whole magical level of being and love that’s coming through. All that’s giving me some sense of memory, it feels like I know I’m a dragon, feels like, I’m part of Dragon Tribe, and Star Nation like this is my people, and all that might sound crazy to you, I remember hearing the author say, somewhere like, “I can’t talk about Sophia dragon tribe, my career is going to go down the tubes,” and yet, her message was, the message she got was, I have to this is important, and this is the way it needs to be transmitted, and that’s how I feel at the moment, I don’t quite totally understand everything, mentally.

Candice Wu 42:56

And in the last several years, I’ve let go of that need to mentally or rationally, make logic of something, and that’s really served me well. I know that the brain is important and the mind is very important. When we think through things, sometimes, that really helps us, and I’ve spent a lot of years and time doing that in my life but I also used it too much, I overcompensated for my sense, in my heart and in my spirit, my intuition by using my brain to rationalize and analyze, make sense of and also problems solve, that now I’m really enjoying just tuning in, sensing the energy of something and using the other ways of intuitive and knowing that I do have, we all have. And that is a way of knowing that gives me, often gives me the right way for me. Sometimes, I say yes or no to things that it doesn’t even make sense, and I’ve let go of that need to make sense of something, and it’s not quite coming from impulse, or irrationality, even though it’s quite irrational, right? Maybe you could call it that, and really, but it’s not impulse or perhaps a traumatized part of me.

Candice Wu 44:21

Although, sometimes, it’s hard to tell the difference, if it’s some part of me that feels traumatized and needing something or if it’s an intuitive part that says, from a very clear, pure place, yes or no for me about something or this is the answer for me, or sometimes I find out later that some of my decisions weren’t so aligned at the source of me, but aligned to some traumatized part of me or part that wanted some sort of retribution for some past thing, something that’s living in the past. But I’m really encouraging you out there, if this is interesting for you, to deepen and cultivate the part of you that has knowing of other forms than the mind, than the mental logic. Sensing, tuning in, using the many languages and tongues, the multi-dimensional ways that our body communicates our hearts, the ways that we may know something without being able to explain it, and to trust yourself, so that you can learn to deepen in your trust. It gives us many ways of moving about the world. It connects us to the energetic, the spiritual, the more subtle ways of being. It connects us to animals, connects us to nature and talking with the plants and earth, talking with other beings and energies.

Candice Wu 45:58

And if you, I swear, if my younger self, listen to these podcasts, probably maybe more like my 20-year old self, high school, college self, she would be like, WTF like, What are you talking about? You don’t make any sense. This can’t be that like, judgment, just judgment. But now, I’m all about it, and it’s really served me very well to trust the knowing I have and see the outcome and to see where I may need to fine-tune and refine my listening in myself or what part of me was showing up so that I can know that part better, and then be clearer about the boundaries, like, is that the part of me that was wounded or is this a more, a deeper knowing of some sort that is not from the wound, from my wisdom.

Candice Wu 47:01

So, as I’m listening to The Sophia Code, I’m receiving a more fortified sense that we’re here to do life uniquely, and specifically, the way that our energetic signature and blueprint shows us, and that is always a free will and choice that is always from our sovereignty. She uses that word a lot in the book, that we’re meant to know our deep creative sovereignty, and the sovereignty of all beings, including the animals and the land, and to remember that we are sovereign, to remember that we have freedom, and all of the conditioning and belief sets and limits that we think are here and that we have manifested.

Candice Wu 47:54

That’s actually not the entire reality of things, but we’re deeply the love that is of all things, and the language that she’s using is that we are Sophia. We are the energy of the feminine Christ consciousness that encompasses every single energy, even masculine energy, and give life is love, is the pure being and consciousness that each of us are. I love when things that resonate with me deeply also align with other things that resonate deeply in the language set of the Vedas and Tantra have always brought me to that feeling and that knowing of freedom, all possibility, and that we are able to choose all possibility, even though our body and our energy systems, right now, have collected in a certain way and propel us in a certain way of being. That there’s more that we are, and that more gives us the ability to heal what we think we are, that we are really not.

Candice Wu 49:26

In this book, she also channels seven or eight different energies archetypes, some who have come into earth form as humans for some time, but who have been guides or mentors for all those who want to heal, or people who were interested in, in that particular energy like Mary Magdalene or Kuan Yin, Tara, and she talks about the Sophia Dragon Tribe, White Buffalo Women, as I mentioned, a couple of others. Some of the pieces of those stories and some of what she says is interesting to me and really light something up in me and other parts don’t resonate at all, parts where the, where she talks about chakras. From what I’ve learned in Sanskrit studies, the word is chakras, and the sound is chakra. And so, when she said chakras, I almost was like, “What has she been saying?” I don’t get it. Which well, you know, I can still let it bypass the part of me that says, I don’t get it, but at the same time, it wasn’t clicking into my system, and I think that was part of why.

Candice Wu 50:52

So, there are parts of the book that really don’t fit for me right now, but right in the beginning, even in the preface, I was already crying, and so, I knew I was receiving something and it was allowing me to release other things out doubts and fears that had been living in me. So, do you experience this, do you experience things you cannot explain, but that you know, there’s something there for you? Things that give you an energetic upgrade or download, and the sort of space when you receive something new that really is enlivening you in a way, but also feels like you’re in major construction because it dismantles other parts of you, and grief can come through anger, hurt, other emotions, all of that coming to the surface to be felt, honored and continue to move and flow. It wants to move out, to experience a sense of knowing inside of you and how, what does it feel like when you know something? Or when you feel something is not right for you, it’s a little bit off? What’s that like for you?

Candice Wu 52:19

And are there things in your life that are going on right now or ways you’re being, things you’re involved with, or relationships where you feel something’s not quite right for you? It’s hard to pinpoint, maybe, or maybe it’s speaking loudly, screaming at you. This is a deep mystery. Life is a deep mystery, and when we try to rationalize everything, or make it fit into our ego, egoic mind, it collapses, what we experience into something flatter, one that no longer has the dimension of magic or mystery, the beauty, the unknown and unseen. And to do that, we must know something, we, it’s funny, we must say we don’t know. We must acknowledge and be in a place of not knowing anything at all, and being able to scrap what we do think we know or have known before, to know something more.

Candice Wu 53:33

So, while I say I know all of this and what happened, and all that I’m also open to it being washed away with something else and a new knowing to come, and also that it integrates so that it’s just a part of my body, my body wisdom, my embodied knowledge, me as a moving being, moving body of wisdom and also different possibilities, pleasant and unpleasant. So, how do you support yourself in embracing the mystery of life? What do you do that connects you with what’s unseen and what’s beautiful, and what’s truly you? Right now, for me, it’s just connecting with the words and the vibration that Sophia Dragon Tribe brings, and Star Nation and I’ve just been opening and asking out loud, sometimes, and in me in a sense prayer and meditating with, just saying, “Star Nation, show me what I need to know, show me what’s next. I receive you. I open to the wisdom that’s here, I open to all of it, open to experiencing.”

Candice Wu 55:15

This might be similar if you have connection with certain animals or ancestors or people in your life that are now, that if you feel they’re bringing something to you to learn, there’s a feeling of magic about the connection or maybe fear that shows you, that shows itself first that eventually wants to show you there’s something there for you.

Candice Wu 55:43

In the movie, Aqua Man, I love this part when he is about to do the big thing that he’s meant to do. I’m not going to say what that is, but he tells his mother, I’m scared, and she said, “Good, then you’re ready.” So, perhaps the fear is here showing you there’s something here for you, and that it does mean if you can feel the fear, you are ready for what’s coming and what’s next for this next opening or action on this journey of you being you, being at peace with yourself in harmony with yourself. Who you truly are, not all the belief sets that have accumulated the energies that have accumulated and collected itself to create your physical body and the aches and pains, and tensions that manifests itself as so you can see it, but the deeper you that wants to come through, the cells of your body that know they are loved somewhere and want to be reminded that you are loved. Let us embrace the deep mystery of life.

Candice Wu 57:12

Thank you so much for joining me today. It felt really alive and connected in sharing this episode. I invite you to connect with me if something inspires you or if you have questions, something didn’t rub you the right way, anything. If you feel compelled, I invite you to follow that. I’ll add a few healing experientials to this episode around embracing the mystery of life, around sensing and letting your mental logic be bypassed so that you can tune into knowing, not exactly sure what will emerge. So, you’ll just have to see later this week as it comes out or find it at the episode link at CandiceWu.com/deepmystery.

Candice Wu 58:12

If some of the topics in this episode interested you, you can also go to my website at CandiceWu.com/podcast to find other episodes that relate to these topics. Some of them include the episode about the Soul and Science of Trauma. You can find that at CandiceWu.com/ep32, Embracing All the Parts of You at CandiceWu.com/partswork. The episode Freedom and Expansion: The Terrifying Gifts of Spiritual and Existential Crisis AKA WTF is Going on? #AmIGoingCrazy? – EP13, that’s at CandiceWu.com/ep13, and the one I mentioned earlier, Past Life Trauma: Unfolding Freedom at CandiceWu.com/ep49.

Candice Wu 59:07

I also mentioned my acupuncturist, Brent Garcia, who is awesome. I totally recommend his work. It’s super gentle yet powerful, and you can listen to his podcast at CandiceWu.com/brent. I also mentioned anger, working with anger, you can find that podcast at CandiceWu.com/anger. Feel free also to join me on my newsletter that comes out one or two times a month. This is full of self-love notes, podcast episodes that are up to date, experiential, events, workshops, retreats, and experiences that you can join in on with me. You can find that at CandiceWu.com/embody.

Candice Wu 59:54

If you found that this podcast or the experientials or guests on the podcast have given you something, brought you in touch with something of yourself that felt important or inspires you to love yourself or anything that you connect with here, I would invite you to contribute back to the podcast and feed it, nourish it with your energy, and some donation that fits for you, feels aligned for you. You can find all that information at CandiceWu.com/patreon on how to contribute, what also rewards or gifts you can receive in return if you’d like something else that is a little bit extra, like the Embodied Healing Group or personalized meditations. And I just want you to know how much your words, you’re sharing, your contributions, all fuel me and praying each episode with love and ease.

Candice Wu 1:01:06

Thank you so much. Thank you so much for listening, and today I’ll leave you with a little bit of music as we close today. And as you take in the sense that you have about your life, being the mystery, your life being the way, you being the way.

Candice Wu 1:01:31

Thank you so much for joining me today, and see you next time on the Embody Podcast.

Introduction

This experimental is to support you in your knowing and your being, in the deep mystery of life that is you, and connecting with more of yourself, more of yourself than your mental logic and receiving messages from different parts of you, your body, your heart, your soul, your intuition, your thoughts as well.

Hello and welcome. You’re listening to the Embody Podcast, a show about remembering and embodying your true nature, inner wisdom, embodied healing, and self-love.

My name is Candice Wu, and I’m a holistic healing facilitator, intuitive coach, and artists sharing my personal journey of vulnerability, offering meditations and guided healing support, and co-creative conversations with healers and wellness practitioners from all over the world.

Inspiration for This Experiential

This experiential is inspired by the episode that is connected with around energetic downloads, things you cannot explain, sensing and knowing instead of logic, as well as past life experiences that emerged for me. It’s also connected with this sense of who we are as the way of our lives, who we are and aligning with specifically who we are in order to love ourselves the deepest that we can in this life. You can listen to the introductory episode at CandiceWu.com/deepmystery.

Let’s Begin

And now, let’s jump into this experiential.

Go ahead and find a place to sit or lie down to be with yourself. Feel free to touch your heart or belly. Feel your own resonance with yourself.

Notice where your mind is. Let yourself release your attention on any of the things that are in your outer world — work, school, if you have school, stressors, relationships, daily life tasks. Invite all of that energy to turn towards yourself with great love and power, strength, wholeness, and ask nothing of your body, your heart, and your mind right now.

Feel this space of asking nothing of yourself that there’s nothing here in this moment to do, nothing to accomplish. Feel what it’s like to be in your body, right now. Be with yourself at peace and in harmony.

Feel anything that’s coming up in you. Feel free to close your eyes if you haven’t already, as you go even deeper and as we openness space together with love completely surrounding us, circling us, filling the entire space that you’re in.

And with your breath receiving and drawing in the love surrounding you, let it fill your whole body, your heart, your energy. Let it touch every single cell of your body, reminding you, reminding each cell, tissue, muscle and organ, bone and the mind of who you are, that you are this love, letting every cell be reminded that you are love.

Let this connect with the core of your being that already knows you are love, the part of you on touched by conditioning and layers of beliefs and experiences that take you away from love, take you away from knowing and truth, only to remind you of a deeper truth and knowing that you love that is connected with all love.

And we invite our mental logic, the mind the analytical part of us to step to the side of it. We let it have an open door that lets more knowing and information come in and be seen even if the mind and the logic don’t understand.

Connect with this moment, this breath that connects you with the deep mystery of life. Connect with the space of not knowing and unknowing. Letting everything that you know or think take a rest, for now, letting your feeling sense and intuition, your body, letting that all be as you sense and feel. Making yourself available, making this space for more to be known more to reveal itself to you for what is already here to show itself.

Releasing Statements

Feel free to say in your mind or out loud, “I let go for this moment of my need to know. I am in the place of not knowing. It is safe to be in uncertainty and not knowing right now.”

And as you feel those words, allow any emotion, sensation or movement to come up. There may be parts of you that resist or feel scared, feel anxious or nervous or want to fight you.

Witness all those parts of you and feel or say the words, “I am open to the deep mystery of my life. I surrender to my life as the mystery of being.”

Say, “I forgive myself for judging myself for all the times in places I did not trust my life, and for all the times in places I forced my knowing to fit into rational logic where I may have cut-off parts of myself in order to make sense.”

Tune in and feel what these words evoke in your body right now, staying with any emotions that come up.

Track what’s happening in your body with a loving witness, a gentleness that allows you to keep seeing what’s here, feeling what’s here, and if there any other words or intentions that come up to you in this moment, say them to yourself or out loud as they come to you, anything that you’re doing wisdom wants you to acknowledge or say or be open to.

And as you connect with anything that comes up, maybe there’s nothing, that’s okay too. Stay with your body and feel your hips, feel your legs, feel any part of your body that helps you feel that you are here.

We’ll conclude with the words, “I am myself. It’s safe to be me, and I embrace myself fully or I begin to embrace myself fully.”

Notice how this experience is for you right now, and what happens for you, what images and emotions, what feeling or sensation in your body, what color, texture or feel that is inside, and come back to the loving presence that we called in in the beginning — the love that’s surrounding you, that we invite here and that already is, the part of you that already knows truth and already knows who you are, that you are love, and slowly come to this moment of honoring yourself.

Honoring Yourself

Honor this time and space you’ve taken, honor who you are. Appreciate who you are or what you can appreciate in this moment, and go to the simplest things, appreciating that you’re alive right now.

Thank yourself for being with yourself in this little space and time and slowly start to move your body or your hands to allow movement or self-touch that is soothing, connecting or calming, and as you open your eyes, notice the things around you that make you feel like yourself or support you — colors that you like objects that look pleasant, nature. Look at your surroundings and just feel that you’re here.

Closing

And as we close today, I’ll leave you with a little bit of music to bring an open the senses even more into the space that you’re in, this life, this body that is your vessel and temple that moves you through life and that you get to create with, you get to partner with in this deep mystery of life that is you.

Thank you so much for joining me today, and if you’re interested in checking out more healing experientials or meditations go to my website at CandiceWu.com/podcast. Also, there are interviews and experientials by other practitioners and guests.

It’s great to be here with you today, and see you next time on the Embody Podcast.

Candice Wu 0:00

This episode is about how to love your body, heal your body, and support your connection and relationship with your body so that it is an ally to you.

Candice Wu 0:11

In this episode, we’ll talk to the body, connect with why this is important and how this can work, and support all of the ways that the body is trying to connect with you so that we can decipher and translate. So we understand what our body needs.

Candice Wu 0:30

The body is this brilliant expression of our innermost layers of being, our soul, our heart, what we desire, have desired, and what we are experiencing at the deepest levels of who we are. So, it is an absolute, beautiful tool to support us in deepening in who we are, understanding who we are, and loving ourselves.

Candice Wu 0:59

Hello, and welcome. You’re listening to the Embody Podcast, a show about remembering and embodying your true nature, inner wisdom, Embodied Healing, and self-love.

Candice Wu 1:12

My name is Candice Wu and I’m a holistic healing facilitator, intuitive coach, and artist sharing my personal journey of vulnerability, offering meditations and guided healing support, and having co-creative conversations with healers and wellness practitioners from all over the world.

Candice Wu 1:34

This episode is sponsored by my Dream Work classes on Skillshare.

Candice Wu 1:38

One of the things that helps me heal and to know myself, and to claim the parts of myself that want to arise and express itself in this life, are to work with my dreams. I never really knew how to do that, or how to cultivate my dreams, until the last couple of years where I dove into dreamwork, and the deeper I go, the more my dreams bring me insight and the more I feel whole in myself.

Candice Wu 2:09

Sometimes my dreams, they’ve been telling me the next step of something or predict what’s going to happen. Sometimes they give me the key to a thing that’s been missing or struggle in my life. And I love that I can translate my dreams into an understanding that’s embodied. So not just thinking about my dreams and analyzing them and looking at dream meanings, but feeling into the dream and what the energy of the dream’s offering into my body and letting my body take up that energy, allows me to be even more in my life.

Candice Wu 2:48

So I have some Dream Work classes on Skillshare, which is a platform that’s like, the Netflix for learning and tutorials. And you can find all those Dream Work classes at CandiceWu.com/dreamclasses.

Candice Wu 3:04

At that link, you can also sign up to get a couple of months free of a Skillshare membership so that you can access the classes. And also, you can access classes from a variety of other teachers that are teaching on almost every single topic you can imagine.

Candice Wu 3:23

Welcome back, everyone, it’s great to have you here. Thanks so much for joining in.

Candice Wu 3:27

Today, I had a bit of a challenge getting started with this episode, I think there’s so much to say. And also, I get a little bit scared, sometimes, just starting off a podcast. I know that once I get the ball rolling, I start to feel better, and get in the groove. But getting started is sometimes the hardest part.

Candice Wu 3:50

Do you have that experience with things where it just feels overwhelming and scary? And yet the reality, once you get there, can be that it’s not as scary as you felt.

Candice Wu 4:04

In those cases, I just typically do one little thing. So, the first thing I did was set up my microphone and get all the cords out, which is something that I have to like take out and put away. But if it were out, it might be a little bit easier as well. But just setting that microphone up is the first step for me. And starting off with whatever it is that is the tiniest baby step that you can with what you’re moving towards, whether that is just getting a cup of tea, to set the stage and atmosphere and self-care for what you’re doing, or to clear your desk. Or, if it’s something else that’s not work-related, or that is in some other aspect of your life.

Candice Wu 4:56

What is the tiniest stuff that you could do that could even get to to the next one? That’s what always helps me.

Candice Wu 5:04

And that’s how I got myself to get to sit here today with you. I have a cup of tea with me and a green smoothie, which I like to make in the morning.

Candice Wu 5:17

And, I just got back from a writing session with a new horse that I’ve been working with, Sunny, this horse is at a stable closer by to me and in Michigan. And I just love this farm because the owner is wonderful at communicating with horses.

Candice Wu 5:38

The way that she’s been working with this Mustang that she fostered for some time is amazing. If you know horses, then you know Mustangs are wild horses.

Candice Wu 5:51

All horses are wild in their own ways, right. But what I mean is that they live in the wild, and they were taken in by humans.

Candice Wu 6:01

So, the way that the owner has been working with this horse is that when the horse wants her to stop or back off, she bops her on some part of her body with her nose. So the horse will take her nose and just like boop, her nose on top of her hand, or her arm, or somewhere usually her hand it seems that tells the owner, stop. That’s enough for the moment. And she can try again in another couple of breaths or a minute or so. But she might be saying, “No, don’t touch me there, I don’t want you to go that far.” Or, “No, I’m not sure I feel comfortable with that.” And so she’ll boop her with her nose.

Candice Wu 6:46

I love this as the entry to this conversation about loving your body, communicating with your body, and being in relationship with the body so that it supports you in your life. Supports you in your fullness, in your fullest expression of yourself, and all that you desire. Because the way that this owner is communicating with the horse is one little step at a time, and respecting each communication that the horse is giving her.

Candice Wu 7:19

So that’s not the only way the horse is communicating. She’s also communicating by moving her body slightly, like, leaning away or towards, or sometimes turning her head or drawing an ear down or back. She’s communicating with her movements, like with her movements in her legs, with her tail, with the swish of her tail, with her eyes, with the energy of the feeling that’s being communicated. So there are so many ways that we can listen for what the horse is telling us. Just like, there are so many ways that our body is communicating with us and giving us information constantly.

Candice Wu 8:04

For probably 25 years, I did not pay attention to my body, of course, I ate food and I slept. And I understood the importance of sleep. I understood that it was important to eat healthy. I didn’t really know what that meant, I was doing the best I could.

Candice Wu 8:24

And then I would have aches and pains. And would wonder, “Oh, what’s wrong with my body?”

Candice Wu 8:33

So the first thought would be: “What’s wrong with my body?” or: “What am I doing wrong?” or: “What’s going on?” or: “What ailment do I have?”

Candice Wu 8:43

And I think that’s pretty common in our consciousness right now, we think, what do we need to do or give our body so that it feels better?

Candice Wu 8:54

The challenge with this is that the body is communicating on all these different levels through the pain in the body, through tension, or disease, or through illness, through coughing, through sound effects, that want to come through the sensations inside, the movement of the organs and fluids inside. As well as the feeling of what’s going on in our body, the state of being, the energy, the emotion, as well as movements that want to happen with the whole body. Images and thoughts. So all of this and more, the body is wanting to tell us something.

Candice Wu 9:52

Another way to look at it is that the body is saying something and moving through a process of something. But if we dismiss it as only trying to tell us, “Oh, I need medicine, to fix me.”

Candice Wu 10:09

And this one to one equation of disease or illness means, take medication, then we’re missing out on a whole depth of what the body is experiencing and why.

Candice Wu 10:26

On some level, I believe we all want to feel good and feel better, when we’re not feeling well. Or when we’re struggling, whether that’s physically or emotionally or spiritually. But I do believe that there’s more to our experience as a human being than to just feel better all the time.

Candice Wu 10:47

So if we feel bad, let’s just do something to feel better. I believe that we are here to learn, and to deepen in the experience of who we are in this body. And also to understand who we are not. So that we can shed those layers of what we’ve built up in ourselves to think we are, and to come to the easefulness and fullness of who we are on the deepest levels of our being.

Candice Wu 11:19

And that includes this awareness of our conscious self, the part of us that’s really aware of all the things and experiences that we feel, that we notice. The awareness in us that can feel through emotions, notice our thoughts, notice our presence, and be in noticing, be in that compassionate witness of ourselves.

Candice Wu 11:51

And I believe that part of our experience is to deepen in presence, to deepen in witnessing exactly what’s happening right here and now, without changing it just so that we feel better.

Candice Wu 12:07

So how can we expand in our experience of being so that our capacity grows and grows and we can experience all of it? How can we deepen in the experience of ourselves in this human body even more?

Candice Wu 12:26

And with that, the body is one part of what is trying to communicate to us, what is trying to bring us to our deeper selves, and what wants to work with us so that we feel good in the process, that we feel present and at peace in ourselves and at ease in our body, in this vessel that moves us through life.

Candice Wu 12:59

So I want to start with a couple of stories about my life, working with my body. So as I mentioned, I didn’t really pay attention to any level deeper of my body’s experience for 25 years, at least. I was mostly just thinking that the body was just its own physical being as separate from my emotions, my spirit or any awareness in me, that is just a separate thing that needed to be treated, and was either healthy or not. And that there wasn’t much more of a reason for it to be healthy or unhealthy or out of balance than the fact of the physical experiences related to it, like what food I was taking in.

Candice Wu 13:52

If I was going to the doctor, if I was having an illness, then it was just, that’s what it was. And I would just do what it took to solve it or fix it. So this sort of flat experience of the body.

Candice Wu 14:08

I believe I shared this experience in a previous podcast, definitely in a blog post. But when I was teaching middle school art, I was about 26 or seven years old, I had all this numbness in my right side. And it freaks me out. There were weird tingling sensations. It lasted for several days. And by the fourth day, I just, I was like, beside myself, I went to the office, like the school office, talk to the school nurse, And I was like, “I think I need to go to the ER, I don’t know what’s going on with me.” And she encouraged me to do that. And after going to the ER, I spent four hours there in fear, and then walked away with a piece of paper that said, you have pain in the tissues of the limb.

Candice Wu 15:05

So this story is not to bash the medical field or to say anything of the sort that ER is not helpful, or the medical field isn’t helpful. I think that it can be incredibly helpful at the right time.

Candice Wu 15:23

And at that time, it was helpful to know that there wasn’t something severely wrong with me in that moment. And yet, it was unhelpful in the way that it didn’t give me any direction, or any opening to a possibility of feeling healthy or understanding what was going on in my body.

Candice Wu 15:45

I decided to go to a chiropractor who also was an energy worker, but I didn’t know that at the time. And so you can see where I just entered into this experience of chiropractic work that I thought was just a physical experience.

Candice Wu 16:00

This doctor was totally interested in Applied Kinesiology and testing the body to see whether it was flowing or not flowing. Or, in some cases people talk about this as muscle testing, like, where the muscles on or off, or strong or not. But it’s more about the energy flowing or not, which signals the muscles to have full strength or be weakened.

Candice Wu 16:33

And it floored me when he was working with me and just randomly would say something like, “Candice, say this out loud, I accept and love myself exactly as I am.”

Candice Wu 16:46

And then he would test my muscles, and my body would shut down. And it essentially was saying that my body didn’t feel like I loved and accepted myself exactly as I was. And I couldn’t understand like, how does my body know that? Or, isn’t that just a thought in my mind, a belief in my head?

Candice Wu 17:12

And what I came to learn was, no, the whole body was resonating with that experience that I did not love and accept myself for who I was.

Candice Wu 17:22

I, in some ways, hated myself, and some ways, didn’t feel worthy, didn’t feel accepting of who I was, it was rejecting a lot of who I was. And later, came to learn that every single cell of our body is reflecting the experience of what we believe in ourselves and about ourselves and what we believe of the world.

Candice Wu 17:48

About that same time I was doing EMDR therapy, which is a type of processing of trauma and experiences that help you integrate all the parts of your experience, your body, emotions, thoughts, and the images and memories of what was upsetting for you, or what can live underneath the surface of your experience. And my therapist was noticing how it just gets stuck with this gut feeling that was so painful.

Candice Wu 18:22

I was holding my gut and feeling awful, but I didn’t really have the words for it. And she would say, “If your stomach could talk, what would it say?”

Candice Wu 18:39

And this was such a hard question for me, because all I would do was think: “What would my stomach say?” And I would just try to deduce and rationalize what my stomach would say. And it took a while before I would feel embodied enough in my body, enough that I could just feel and trust, some sense, or some sort of flash of insight to come through. And that the words could just arrive to me of what it would say.

Candice Wu 19:16

It was more of an asking and listening process at that point, where previously, anytime I asked something to myself, to my body, which was a foreign concept, I would just think about the answer and analyze, to get to the answer.

Candice Wu 19:37

Do know what I’m talking about this difference of using your mind to analyze and think about the answer to something versus sensing what is coming from within and what’s arising in you as information? I think that takes a lot of practice. And we all — many people want to get in touch with their intuition. I think that that is what I’m talking about, at least part of it.

Candice Wu 20:06

So fast forward. Two years maybe. And I’ve been doing EMDR. I’ve been working with my chiropractor, even sensing how foods affect my body very directly with muscle testing. And then matching that with my inner sense of, does my body say yes to this? Or does it say no?

Candice Wu 20:30

And fast forward, past the book, The Celestine Prophecy that really changed my life on sensing energy, following my inner guide, and then reading, I think it’s The Thirteenth Insight, no, The Tenth Insight, which gives information about how do we look at and feel into our bodies, injuries and illnesses, to rewind to the original hurt, wound or belief that led you to get injured. And led to a weakness in a certain aspect of the body.

Candice Wu 21:15

So I love that book. It was so important and it is Yoga. It goes back to the levels of our physiology, where the innermost level of who we are is this subtle energy of awareness, of consciousness that we are pure being. We are pure consciousness and everything is the same. Every being is that. Every object is consciousness. And then, that energy is moved through us as an individual soul. And at the individual soul level, we have all these beliefs of who we are, and who we are not in the world. And, those have been created by some experience that we had taken meaning from, but that meaning is distorted from the reality of presence and truth. And then we accumulate that and that’s karma. And from that level, we have our emotions, thoughts, and our body experience, with the body being the outermost expression of the energy, and dynamic of who we believe we are.

Candice Wu 22:29

I talked about this more in-depth in a podcast at CandiceWu.com/koshas. And the Koshas are the levels of our physiology. And this book showed me exactly how that works and how you can work with the outermost level of the physiology of the body to get towards the soul.

Candice Wu 22:58

And around this time, I was walking across the street in Chicago, towards my friend’s place, arriving at some get-together, and I get a text message, and as I’m walking across the street, I pull out my phone from my purse, look at the text message. And as I’m reading it, I almost literally fall into a hole. I didn’t fall all the way down. My ankle kind of broke the fall, which was the painful part because I twisted my ankle.

Candice Wu 23:31

So I think about this book, and I’m thinking, “Oh, yeah, there’s a way that I can heal this.” This is beautiful. Because, what if my injury wasn’t just an accident? What if I could have prevented it by who I believed I was in my state of being, which is not to blame myself or criticize myself, but to give an opening towards something different.

Candice Wu 23:57

So I thought about this book, The Tenth Insight. And now as I’m talking, I’m hoping it’s the Tenth, maybe it’s the Eleventh or Twelfth. But I’ll link that in the show notes and hopefully link the right one.

Candice Wu 24:11

So thinking about this book, I stayed with my ankle, this is you know, a couple of days later, after this whole get together. As I was moving my ankle gently to feel the pain, I started crying. I allowed myself to cry and follow the feeling. And slowly, I let my mind wander. And I allowed any words or thoughts to be noticed, any feelings.

Candice Wu 24:47

I traced myself back to the moment in time where I checked my phone and what I was feeling at that moment, just as a starting point. And what revealed itself was that I was feeling like, “Oh, yeah, I want to respond to my friend.”

Candice Wu 25:06

But underneath that was, if I don’t respond to her now, maybe she won’t want to be friends with me anymore. Like if I’m not accessible when she wants me to be. Maybe she won’t care about me as much either.

Candice Wu 25:25

All of those thoughts are quite distorted. Yes. And we can dismiss them and say, “Oh, that’s not real.”

Candice Wu 25:31

But I followed the feeling of that and allowed myself to feel how painful that was. The feeling that if I didn’t respond to my friend right away, that I wouldn’t be a good friend. That just really wasn’t reasonable.

Candice Wu 25:49

So at this point, I’m crying a little bit more and allowing myself to go deeper with it, and feeling the pain in my ankle and just feeling like, “Ouch, ouch!”

Candice Wu 25:59

And so as I heard that in my mind, “Ouch”, I could have just dismissed it as, “Oh, don’t be a baby, like, you can feel this pain.”

Candice Wu 26:10

But instead, flowing with the feeling of, “Ouch, this hurts”, allowed me to open into a younger experience of how much it hurt to be in my family.

Candice Wu 26:25

When there were times that my parents were having reactions to me. I had a lot of trauma growing up, and so experienced, neglects, and I experienced emotional abuse at different times. And it felt like my young life was really unstable. It didn’t have a stable person that was continually paying attention to me and aware of me, and supporting me with my emotions and helping me to move through life, moment to moment.

Candice Wu 27:02

And as I felt that, I realized how unstable my ankle was, that I twisted this ankle several times when I was doing sports growing up, like gymnastics and cheerleading. And that, my ankle just cracked, and that was living itself out continually in my day to day, and here it was manifested in this moment, where I felt if I didn’t respond to my friend, I wouldn’t be worthy, reflecting that feeling of unworthiness that had threaded into my entire life.

Candice Wu 27:40

And perhaps I had come in with, to feel those feelings and letting myself move through with awareness, the feeling of unworthiness, not believing it, but allowing myself to believe it enough in the moment to feel the feelings that came with that.

Candice Wu 28:00

And then, the pain started to subside in my ankle. And after a couple of days, it had decreased. And after a week or two, I didn’t feel much pain at all. And my ankle was able to strengthen very quickly without doing much with it, other than just moving through those feelings, which is not necessarily an easy thing to do. But it wasn’t like I was doing PT on it or anything or doing exercise with it, which I think is a really good thing, which can help also elicit the emotions and strengthen the muscles to release some of the same emotions. So either way, you go about it, if you’re going in with awareness, then the healing can take place.

Candice Wu 28:56

And now, I’ve been working on my elbow, and I’m not going to go into the whole story. But this elbow is in a lot of pain, like right at the joint and only in this, like, crevice between two bones at the joint. And slowly, I’ve been peeling off layer by layer of what’s going on here. And some of it related to some ancestral stuff, where my grandfather had lost his mother. And I felt like he really was holding on to her and didn’t get the chance to grieve because she died. And then he got given away by his father. So not only did her death become a painful experience that wasn’t supported, for him to integrate the feelings. But then he had to lose his father and sort of go into survival mode.

Candice Wu 29:54

So it felt like what was coming up was this feeling that my grandpa was holding on for dear life. And as I felt that, those words and pictured him, I could feel the pain of him and his family, his primary family that wasn’t felt. And that did release some of the pain in my own arm yet right now, there’s more.

Candice Wu 30:21

So where I left at the moment is, “Wow, what is going on in here?”

Candice Wu 30:27

And slowly over the last six months to a year, I’ve been very gentle with my elbow and not forcing or pushing it to be different. But just being tender with it and soft with it. So that it can slowly feel safe enough to reveal more to me.

Candice Wu 30:48

And I’m so for going to other health care practitioners and other healers and therapists, coaches that can be supportive around that. And so in about a week, I’m going to be seeing my Acupuncturist, who goes really in-depth with understanding the soul and how it’s related to the physical body as well. So I’m hoping that that gives way to the next level of what wants to be known here in my elbow, or through my elbow, what’s been living in the elbow that wants healing.

Candice Wu 31:24

So all these experiences that I’m sharing, I wanted to just illustrate how I’ve been working with my body. These are just a couple of experiences of thousands. I’m working with my body every day, whenever I feel something going on just staying with it and seeing what’s here or just allowing it to move without knowing sometimes exactly what it is.

Candice Wu 31:47

But, all of this to say that the body is constantly communicating and moving through something and if we can be the compassionate witness to that. And also, if we can communicate with that and translate the information that’s coming to us, we can advance our healing and we can deepen into our presence very quickly.

Candice Wu 32:12

Our body is like a friend giving us insight and information, experiencing moment to moment, right next to us, except we’re inside of it.

Candice Wu 32:22

The body holds implicit information, meaning it’s holding information that is not in our consciousness. It’s in our unconscious world. And that’s coming through us, through the sensation, emotion, imagery, the flavor or color of something, like literal taste, or the sense of flavor, smell, or sensing into a gut feeling, movement, tension, ease, an intuitive flash of insight or information, as well as sound and sound effect. Sound that the body wants to make, sound that our voice wants to make, a noise coming from inside the body. And the biggest tip I have for you about it is: trust it. Always trust it or begin to trust your body. And if you have a sense of something that’s happening in the body, and feel it, that sense that, “Oh, this is about x, y & z.” Trust it, at least enough to follow that through to the next step, to the next feeling, so that you can deepen and see into that pathway of your sense of what’s going on and what you’re feeling.

Candice Wu 33:49

When we have experiences, there’s an association that can come with it, especially if the experience wasn’t felt all the way through, whether it was a positive or negative one. If it was more than our capacity could handle in the moment, it was overwhelming in some way. This is where our body is so intelligent, our body will hang on and in connection with parts of that experience until we have fully integrated that with our awareness and allowed it to digest through our body.

Candice Wu 34:27

So that is, as I said, both positive and negative experiences. So if we have something that’s overwhelming, and I would likely call that trauma, if it’s overwhelming to the body, and our body didn’t integrate it all or complete something around it, if it got disrupted because it was a little too much, then our cells, our muscles, are viscera, our bones, will be filled with the experience, the adrenaline, the energy, and where it gets disrupted, it will stay there until you go back. To feel it and to process it and processing meaning, being with it and allowing the next feeling to be felt or allowing the body to show us what’s next, and letting the body move through the sequence of what it instinctually needs to.

Candice Wu 35:24

The body wants us to feel safe, to feel whole, harmonious, and at peace, as well as integrated. So that we feel present, like an animal in the wild. When they’re feeling safe, they’re available to find food. They’re able to find a mate, they’re able to enjoy peacefulness, rest, run around and play. And that’s what our body is wanting for us. That’s what our body is here for.

Candice Wu 35:58

And when it experiences something traumatic or overwhelming, it stops that process until we can go back and digest it later. And the thing about that is if we don’t do that digestion, it accumulates over time. And a lot of times we don’t realize that something was overwhelming or could impact our nervous system like that, like a trip and fall, or a car accident, or a bike accident, or an emotional experience where someone said something that hurt our feelings. It doesn’t matter what it is, it matters how your body and your heart, and your nervous system responded and whether it was overwhelmed.

Candice Wu 36:48

So the gentleness and compassion comes in, not using our mind to filter what was appropriate for us to be overwhelmed by or what we should or shouldn’t have done, or how we should or shouldn’t have reacted. But it is what happened. And what do we feel now?

Candice Wu 37:09

Our mental body tries to rationalize all that and thinks, and sees a lot faster than our physical body. And our nervous system can integrate. Our awareness connects with that, our awareness of our mental body or mind, as well as what our animal instinctual body is feeling is holding both of those together, and able to support us in healing.

Candice Wu 37:41

Our body is so sacred. It’s the vessel to carry us through life and to allow us to experience pleasure and to experience joy and love. And to be who we are, it is such a gift to our entire being to just be who we are, and to be with all that we feel in congruence with inside and outside.

Candice Wu 38:08

Our creativity wants to manifest through this life, through our sexual energy, through what we desire to express and create in the world, to experience connection, to feel touch, and enjoy that sense of pleasure, to experience nature, to experience pain, sadness, anger, all of those emotions that we can feel, our soul, our body, connected with our soul wants us to have all of that and to enjoy all of that.

Candice Wu 38:48

So I’d like to offer a couple of experientials in the next coming days around how to be in the body, to stop and just simply feel your body. To be in it and deepen in the experience of it, with an awareness that has softness, compassion, and witness to help bring safety to the body.

Candice Wu 39:18

Something you can start with that already was previously on the podcast is the Five Senses Body Scan. And that’s Episode 59b be so you can go to CandiceWu.com/ep59 and scroll down and find that experiential.

Candice Wu 39:38

Also, you can tune into Letting The Body Lead, which is allowing an organic movement from inside to come outward, and to feel in the body with a different connection and relationship to the body. That’s Episode 32a. And that’s at CandiceWu.com/ep32.

Candice Wu 40:01

But what I’ll offer later this week is, Orienting In The Body, that’s from Somatic Experiencing from Peter Levine, of just being in the presence of your space and surroundings, as well as the presence of your body, allowing yourself to get here and arrive here even more deeply.

Candice Wu 40:25

It’s like cats and dogs do when they enter a space, they sniff it out. They look around, they hear, and they feel into their bodies, whether it’s safe or not. And we often skip that step.

Candice Wu 40:40

So, orienting the body can truly help us to feel good, and then to go deeper in the presence of who we are, and go deeper into healing if we need to heal. Bringing attention inward into the body is one of the most powerful, probably the most powerful thing you can do for healing and for presence. Just our awareness alone, and being with what is, is what allows healing to happen.

Candice Wu 41:13

Because the body is so intelligent, it feels this boost of our awareness and begins the healing process immediately. There’s not much more you have to do. But there are tools that can support an opening of some sort or accessing in different ways. But that primary, basic tool of presence and seeing and witnessing in the body, and allowing is really the key to everything.

Candice Wu 41:45

When you fuel the body with your conscious awareness, it amplifies the healing. So there’s a grounding touch experiential that you can tune into at CandiceWu.com/ep47.

Candice Wu 42:01

But in this series of this podcast, I want to offer touch to the body, to claim the body as yours, and to bring your body even to another level of presence and awareness in the now.

Candice Wu 42:20

And a third experiential that’ll offer is “Talking To The Body: Body Language”, connecting with the body and how do we support ourselves and open to what the body, or what the organs inside, or what a part of our body that feels hurt, pain, tension, sadness, any emotional sensation, what it wants to say to us, what it might be saying to us, what sound effects it might want to make, to allow a healing movement. And how that can bring a new level of awareness in your presence and more healing.

Candice Wu 43:01

There are two experientials that relate to this that are already out there as well. One is the Body Love Ritual, 55c. It’s giving attention to a specific part of the body. And that’s just to give loving attention inward. You can find that at CandiceWu.com/ep55.

Candice Wu 43:22

And also, Conversations With Your Gut, 26c, that’s at CandiceWu.com/ep26. That one is where we talk with our bellies and allow the belly to speak to us what it wants to say, what it needs, what emotions arise from that.

Candice Wu 43:43

And so, those are two that you can tune into now. And as you tune in later this week, we’ll go deeper into talking with the body, or a specific part of the body to allow healing.

Candice Wu 43:56

There are so many messages that the body is saying, and we may not understand all of them. But to build all the tools that we can to decipher what the body’s saying and to allow it to heal in its fullest capacity, that’s what I’m interested in. And that’s what these experientials will offer you. And so we build the capacity to feel a bite-size at a time, what’s going on inside. And there are so many layers that accumulate over time of our experience. Everything we take in through, our senses, our experience is something that our body needs to digest, and we need to give it time, we need to give it presence. So we just work with that one thing at a time, one piece at a time.

Candice Wu 44:51

So as we conclude today, I’m thinking about Game of Thrones. If you watch that or have watched it, I love how they say: “Blood of my blood.” This is when they’re speaking to their children or their kin, someone who is of their blood.

Candice Wu 45:10

And we have often used blood to signify the importance of connection in the lineage or our bond to those that we love, like you are my blood, or I bleed green, if you’re from Michigan State, go Spartans!

Candice Wu 45:30

The blood, the body, the physical body is so sacred. And we know it at a very deep and instinctual level. When we say “blood of my blood”, we use that to signify the deepest bonds.

Candice Wu 45:45

And so as we leave today, I want to offer this experience of gratitude and love for your body for this sacred expression of who you are, that lives as who you are. And that’s holding all these experiences for you to get to know yourself deeper, and holding all these pains, and visceral tension, as well as positive experiences, all to support you in the deepest knowing you could have in this lifetime.

Candice Wu 46:28

So we can take a moment together to just appreciate this body. And if you have a place that your body wants you to touch, if you just try out, touching your legs or your belly, or your heart, feeling where the body would be soothed if you touch it, or allowing your body to move in any way that feels comfortable, soothing.

Candice Wu 47:02

And to just give this moment to your body, to all the organs inside. We’re not asking anything of your body. We’re just being in presence with these legs, these things that you call legs, with this belly, and spine. These bones, these muscles, these cells in the body and just notice how your breath is as you acknowledge your body.

Candice Wu 47:54

And if there’s anything you can thank your body for, for this breath, for being alive, for being able to move, for being able to see or smell, or hear if you can do any of those things, for being present here.

Candice Wu 48:24

Just notice how that feels for you. To be in your body at this moment. And inviting that appreciation for your body.

Candice Wu 48:49

And as we conclude today, feel free to give your body anything it needs to feel even more comfortable through your day or to feel more supported. Whatever that might be for you, just imagine giving that to yourself and how it feels, how it will feel.

Candice Wu 49:24

Make any commitment to yourself or to your body that feels right in this moment, of what you might do for yourself today, or in this week.

Candice Wu 49:43

Thanks so much for joining me today. And stay tuned for all the experientials that will connect with this episode and bring you deeper into the experience of loving your body and being able to communicate and heal your body, and that your body becomes your ally.

Candice Wu 50:06

Before you go, I’d love for you to join me in my bi-monthly newsletter, where you’ll receive updates, all the experientials that go out each week, retreats, events, as well as news about my travels or what’s going on in my emotional world or my heart, what themes have been coming up.

Candice Wu 50:31

You can sign up for that at CandiceWu.com/embody. And be sure to check out all the other experientials that I’ve offered on this podcast, as well as my guests on the podcast, that are various wellness practitioners or healers from all around the world also offering their own experientials.

Candice Wu 50:50

We have several podcasts coming up from authors of books that are beautiful. They’re about healing around money, around self-love, as well as lessons from a volcano in Hawaii.

Candice Wu 51:07

So all those podcasts are coming out in the next couple of weeks and months. And be sure to check all that out at CandiceWu.com/podcast.

Candice Wu 51:20

It’s great to have you here and see you next time on the Embody Podcast.

Introduction

You are listening to the first experiential of three, related to the episode around conversations with your body.

Hello and welcome. You’re listening to the Embody Podcast, a show about remembering and embodying your true nature, inner wisdom, embodied healing, and self-love.

My name is Candice Wu, and I’m a holistic healing facilitator, intuitive coach, and artist, sharing my personal journey of vulnerability, offering meditations and guided healing support, and having co creative-conversations with healers and wellness practitioners from all over the world.

This Experience: Feeling at Home and Ease, Safety

This experiential is to support you in feeling at home and at ease in your body, supporting your nervous system and feeling safe in your surroundings, and being in the present moment.

It allows you to deepen into your present experience and to support further healing and building of capacity to feel through any experience that you’re going through.

Let’s Begin

So, I recommend finding a comfortable place to sit and would rather that you are not in transit or driving or doing anything that requires your full attention.

As you find a comfortable place to sit, begin to notice your surroundings as if you are experiencing them for the first time.

Turn on the part of you that witnesses color, shapes or lines, textures, and patterns.

Imagine that you’re like a cat or a dog that is coming into this space for the first time, and is checking out whether this is a safe place to be and where there are nice smells, where it’s a nice place to sit or be.

Connect with Pleasure

As you look around, connect with what feels pleasant to look at.

Let your mind continue on with whatever it’s thinking about if there’s any thinking going on. And if you notice yourself getting lost in your thoughts or distracted, come back slowly to what’s right in front of you.

Notice the ground, the textures of the ground, whether you’re inside or out.

Notice where the ground meets a wall if you’re indoors or the sky if you’re outdoors.

Allow your gaze to soften even more and slow down, and if there is something that looks pleasant to around you, an object or a color, a texture or some shape or line, take a longer time there.

Allow yourself to enjoy it and experience what’s going on inside your body.

Notice where, looking at something pleasant might allow your breath to deepen or slow, feel if there’s any ease or calmness inside or any softening.

Let your eyes trace the lines or shapes of the thing that you’re looking at, and if your eyes are moving quickly, notice that and allow them to move a little slower.

If they’re already slow, feel what that’s like, and as you continue to scan the room, or the space that you’re in or your surroundings, notice what catches your eyes.

Feel the quality of your site, whether your eyes are restricted and tight, sharp and pointedly looking or if your gaze is soft, spacious and broad.

Notice any sounds and feel the experience in your body of the sounds or any smells or tastes that you’re aware of.

Deepen

Let yourself deepen into the experience of what it’s like to be right here in your body right now.

Feel the edges of your body.

You might even look at the edges of your body and become aware of where your body is sitting on something or touching the floor or ground, as well as where your back or any other part of your body is touching something else.

Notice the sensation of where your body is touching its surroundings, whether that’s the air, you’re clothing, the ground, or something that you’re sitting on.

Whatever feels pleasant or enjoyable to you or peaceful, allow yourself to stay there a little longer, just hanging out in the feeling.

As you breathe, notice that you’re alive, you’re here, you’re in this space, and feel what it’s like to be in your body right now.

Closing and Shifting Into the Day

As we conclude today and you shift into the rest of your day, stay connected with your surroundings and what you see around you as you move

As you take any action and notice what that brings you throughout your day.

Other Experientials

I’ll leave you with a little music here to transition, and I invite you to check out the other experientials that will support you in healing the connection with your body, opening our relationship with the body, talking to sensation, organs or parts of the body to bring healing as well as using touch and awareness to different parts of the body, to bring more embodiment and healing.

You can find all of those experiences at CandiceWu.com/conversationswiththebody. You can also check out more healing experientials that CandiceWu.com/podcast.

Thanks so much for joining me today, and see you next time on the Embody Podcast.

Your body is your home.

It is your physical temple that moves you through life and allows you to experience everything.

Sometimes, we don’t feel in our bodies, sometimes we experienced trauma or something that brings us out of our body because it’s overwhelming, and that’s not a conscious choice, our nervous system does that on its own, and what we can do is support it in feeling like it’s a safe place so that you can be in your body and fully experience life.

This healing experiential is to support you in claiming your presence in your body and connecting with all the parts of your body with gratitude for what they offer you and your life.

Hello, and welcome. You’re listening to the embody podcast, a show about remembering and embodying your true nature, inner wisdom, embodied healing, and self-love.

My name is Candice Wu, and I’m a holistic healing facilitator, intuitive coach, and artist, sharing my personal journey of vulnerability, offering meditations and guided healing support, and having co-creative conversations with healers and wellness practitioners from all over the world.

So, if you’re ready, I recommend a private space and sitting comfortably.

As you arrive into yourself, into this space, invite all of yourself here. Whatever there’s any part of you left behind at work or school, or wherever your mind is, at the moment, invite it back here to the present moment.

Notice your breath and the quality of your breathing, and just simply feel your inhalation and exhalation.

Now, during this process, we’re going to be touching every part of the body, and claiming every part of the body as yours, as well as appreciating it for all that it can offer you. And the body holds a lot of information and a lot of implicit memory, meaning that unconscious material may come up — things that you’re not aware of, feelings or emotions that you’re not aware are there, thoughts that may come up about your body, a variety of feelings. And sometimes traumatic memories can come up or discomfort, and other times you might feel joyful or a connection, peacefulness.

Let yourself be curious about whatever may show up for you here, and if you’re aware that this may be too overwhelming for you or uncomfortable, take it at your own pace, I recommend taking breaks or choosing to do this with a trusted friend, therapist or coach or other type of healing facilitator that can guide you through it.

At any time, if I’m using words for the body that don’t apply to you or don’t fit for you, feel free to change them so that they fit just right to your specific body, what you call your body, and your gender or sex. Whatever it is that fits for you. This is your body, and this is a time to honor your experience in your body.

So, if you’re ready, go ahead and take your hands on the top of your head and just feel your head. If you have hair, feel your hair. Use the kind of touch to your head that would feel the pleasant or soothing, that might be a firm touch or a squeeze. Tune into how your body is feeling with it.

And as you do this, notice your breathing. Notice your emotions, any sensations that are happening as well as the temperature of your body, and feel free to say this out loud or in your mind, “This is my head. This is my hair.” And stay with those words, and notice what that’s like for you.

Give yourself permission to experience whatever is here, whatever it’s like for you without any judgment, filter or changing at. This is your experience, and we’re here to open to whatever the body is telling you or showing you, letting it reveal to you what may be held here or what it feels like to connect.

When you’re ready to move on, take your hands towards your face and then touch the face how it feels right, maybe the cheekbones or right over the eyes, maybe pausing and holding yourself face or touching with soft strokes, whatever feels good. And again, say out loud or in your head, “This is my face.”

Notice how your impulse is in terms of the tone of your voice as you say it. Sometimes, one part of the body feels like the tone is, “this is my face” or “this is my face.” Notice what feels natural to you in the moment or what wants to come through, and whatever feelings or emotions come with it, witness that with compassion and some tenderness, and then move to the neck, touching the neck just as it feels right. “This is my neck.” And feel your attention on your neck as you say the words, “This is my neck.”

Notice any images in your mind, being curious about what’s there, the emotions and sensation. Feel all that the head, face and neck offer you and your life, noticing that the brain is inside the skull, and all of what this part of the body does for you on a daily basis — your eyes, your ears, your nose, your mouth, and with your breath just sending appreciation and attention to this part of your body that does so much involuntarily, all the time for you.

You might also notice if your mind thinks a lot or if you feel you obsess or there’s pain in this part of your body, be aware of that as well, just holding the experience at this part of your body has.

And now, move on to your chest. Feel your chest and upper body. “This is my chest.” And here Feel free to use whatever words feel right. “These are my breasts.”

“This is my chest.” Make your way your shoulders and your arms, perhaps giving yourself a self-hug, touching the arms the way they’d like to be touched. “These are my arms.”

“These are my elbows.” “These are my wrists.”

“These are my hands and these are my fingers.” And as you feel your shoulders, your arms, elbows, wrists, hands, and fingers. Notice them, see them. Feel the touch. Experience what it’s like to say, “These are mine.”

Now, find your hands towards your belly and use whatever words are right. “This is my belly.” Or “This is my gut, my core, my womb.”

Notice the experience of this. As you stay a little longer, feel any emotion, any sensation like tingling, aching, warmth, tightness, gurgling, and when you’re ready, touch your back in any place you can reach. “This is my back and this is my spine.”

Notice any thoughts, feelings, pictures in your mind, and take some time now to appreciate. Watch your shoulders, arms, hands, chest or breasts, belly, and back. What they do for you and your life, what they offer you? How they can reach out? How these parts of your body can be for pleasure or enjoyment of just the senses or experiencing something that you’re doing? How your hands can create? How your heart can express itself all the way through your hands?

And as you’re ready, let your hands move down to your hips and your pelvis. “These are my hips.” And become aware of any experience as you touch your hips, and what it’s like to do this now.

Take note if anything that comes up that you’d like to come back to later. Now, let yourself move to your butt. “This is my butt.” And use you whatever words fit for you.

And as you come to the front of your body, at the hips and pelvis, to your reproductive organs, again, use the words that feel appropriate and right for you. “This is my vagina or my penis or whatever organs you would name.” Connect with this part of your body naming it what feels right for you. This part of the body can be very loaded with our experiences or trauma or pain or pleasure. So, be gentle and compassionate, and witness anything that comes up for you here, today.

Notice temperature, emotion, sensations or images.

And now, shift to your thighs, touching your legs here. “These are my legs. These are my knees, my shins and calves.” And take a moment to pause here, at your legs.

Now, touch your ankles and say to yourself or out loud. “These are my ankles.” Feel them from the inside out. Picture the insides of the ankles, and give yourself the attention here and notice what that’s like. And as you touch your feet and toes, “These are my feet.” “These are my toes.”

And as you notice all the way from your hips to legs, to feet, take a moment to appreciate what the hips, legs, and feet do for you in your daily life. They allow you to move from place to place if you’re able to move with your legs. How these parts of your body support you in your daily functions or in any experience of play or pleasure or sensuality.

And now, take a moment to feel your whole body is one. See, visually, your whole body just from where you’re sitting. Picture all the outlines of your body. Allow your hands to touch any place that wants a little more attention. Feel any sensations, emotions, movement or images that arise from connecting here with this part of the body.

Sense the quality of your breath and the quality of your awareness, and as you take note of any place in the body that’s calling for more attention or offers a more intense experience or emotion, be aware that you can always come back and spend a little more time in those places. Feel free to take a break because that can also help to digest any challenging emotions. Also, take note of where the body, even if it’s a tiny little toe or ear where the body felt some peace or neutral or some pleasure.

And as we begin to transition out of this experience and into the rest of the day, take a moment to make a commitment to yourself of one place in the body that you can pay more attention to throughout the day. Maybe that’s a part of your body that feels pleasurable or maybe it’s a part that feels pain or tension or perhaps it’s a part that you ignore or never even given any attention to on a daily basis.

For a while, I felt it was really profound to even bring my attention now to my ankles, and it was such a shift when I started to do that. And over time, I gradually was able to do that, and I could feel my ankles and my feet throughout the day, almost all the time, and it feels really grounding. So, what part of your body would you like to make a commitment to, to give your awareness and attention to?

As you come out of this experience, let yourself see your surroundings, come back to here and now. Stretch or move your body in any way that feels good, and thank yourself for practicing.

We’ll leave with a little music as you transition. Feel free to connect with the other healing experientials that connect with this episode. You can find all the experientials at CandiceWu.com/conversationswiththebody. The next one is focusing even deeper on one aspect, one part of the body that’s really calling you, and opening up anything that that part of the body wants to tell you or show you so that you can deepen in your experience, feel more grounded, and/or heal that part of the body.

Thanks so much for joining me today, and see you next time on the Embody Podcast.

Introduction

You’re tuning into Body Language: Loving the Body’s Multidimensional Communication.

This is a healing experiential that I’ll guide you through to connect with your body. Your body wants you to listen and wants you to understand it so that you know yourself more deeply. And for any incomplete healing movements or anything that the body is moving through, to be supported with love, witness, gentleness and compassion.

Hello and welcome. You’re listening to the Embody Podcast, a show about remembering and embodying your true nature, inner wisdom, Embodied Healing, and self-love.

My name is Candice Wu and I’m a holistic healing facilitator, intuitive coach, and artist sharing my personal journey of vulnerability, offering meditations and guided healing support, and having co-creative conversations with healers and wellness practitioners from all over the world.

The Body’s Communication: Multilingual and Multidimensional

The body communicates to us multilingually and multidimensionally.

It sends us information through a sense in our body, emotion, a sensation of tinglingness, achiness, heat, pain, calmness, ease, as well as movement in the body, impulse, images, thoughts that come to us, a feeling sense, our dreams, all of what the body goes through, all of its aches and pains, all of what illness that we have, connect with who we believe we are, and the experiences that we have experienced over time.

It also connects with our ancestry, what’s given to us, what we have inherited through the lineage that is also connected with the soul and the heart.

When the heart wants something, desires something, and it is wanting it just that much and doesn’t receive it, when the body doesn’t receive what it needs growing up, or in a certain situation that’s overwhelming, then the body holds on to that part, that moment in time, and wants us to go back to it to complete its movement, to allow it to come back to safety, peace, and wholeness.

Our bodies want us to feel good and want us to feel pleasure and take it along for the ride for all of who you are. And it is the expression of who you are in that deep level.

More on the Main Podcast

If you’d like to hear more about that, you can listen to the main podcast about conversations with the body, body love, and body language. That’s the episode connected with this experiential, along with two other experientials around being in the body, how to connect with the body for healing and relating to the body with love. You can find that episode with the experientials at CandiceWu.com/conversationswiththebody.

Let’s Begin

So let’s jump into this experience.

Find yourself a comfortable place to be and allow yourself to lean into your present experience. Turn on the part of you that is able to witness what’s happening inside, the aware part of you. The part that is you.

And as you begin to witness, let’s start by witnessing your breathing, witnessing your surroundings, and when you’re ready, feel free to close your eyes or look down to let your awareness go inward.

As you feel into your body, notice any part of the body that feels like it needs attention or love. This might be any part of the body that feels like it’s in pain or tension.

If there’s an emotion happening, if you have any disease or illness in any place in the body, select one place of the body that you’d like to focus on for this time.

Awareness of What May Reveal

As we open into the experience of what the body might want to say to you or show you, be aware that challenging emotions might come up, memories might come up, movements, discomfort, all of this is what stored in that tension, illness, pain or emotion in the body.

So as we go into it, be aware that this might reveal itself and take breaks at any time. Just come back to your safety, give a little bit of touch, or distract yourself and just come to what feels good in the moment.

Orienting to Support the Nervous System

You can also tune into the experiential, the first one of the series around orienting and that one will bring you to coming to your surroundings and deepening into safety in the moment, that’s a great way to take a break. And you can always come back and continue on later or another day and just take one bite at a time.

Continue

And for now, if you’re ready to move forward with whatever place in your body is calling you, go then place your hands on this part of the body that you’d like to focus on.

Feel what it’s like to have your hands there, whether there’s any warmth or coolness feel the right amount of pressure or the kind of touch that this place of your body would feel soothed by.

Let’s open to all of the ways that the body can communicate with us. All of the languages that it asserts Itself in or expresses in, can express in color, an emotion, a feeling sense, sound, texture.

But take this moment as you’re with this part of your body, feel into what sensation is here. Notice if this sensation has a shape.

Notice what color or colors it might be. Feel how big it is or what amount of space it takes up, what it looks like.

And if this is hard for you, imagine what it would look like if you could see it.

Sense the texture of the sensation that’s there, if there’s any sensation at all.

Begin to notice if your body would naturally move in a certain way as you’re focusing on this as you’re aware of this part of your body. And that might mean any part of your body. So you might notice your toes crawl up or your shoulders tighten or a reaching movement or stillness curling in.

Be aware of any images that pop into your mind or that reveal itself. Witness all this without changing it, without trying to analyze it. But experiencing this image, the sensation, as well as what emotion comes with it, if any.

If any of this is hard to connect with, just imagine what it would be like to experience it or just leave it out.

So as you witness this part of the body even longer, but the quality of your witnessing be of the gentle and tender kind, with some softness.

I Am Listening

Begin to let your body know, in this place, I am listening. I am here. I’m open to what you have to say or show me.

Notice what this experience is like for you whether that’s easy or hard or there’s something begins to happen.

Break?

This may be as far as you go today. This may be enough. If there are a lot of emotions already here, follow what’s happening. Be with what just showed up and take a break when it’s time, when you start to feel overwhelmed or before you feel overwhelmed, or just, to allow a break.

More

And if you’re ready to go on and take another step, feel into this place in your body.

If this place in the body had a sound effect or a noise that would come with it, what would that be? Would it be a growl or a scream or bellow sound? Would it be sharp?

Let it come from inside rather than thinking about it. There might be no sound at all, or it might be hard to access. If so, just leave it and be with what you feel here what you sense and what you see.

And if there is a sound effect or noise, make that noise if you’d like to, or imagine that sound in your head, you can even take a deep breath and allow a little breath, a little bit of sound to come out as you imagine in your mind the exact sound that would come out if you were uninhibited, or if it could be completely free and satisfying.

Lean into any of the emotions or sensation that begins to happen as you picture or do the sound that wants to emerge.

Again, this might be where you complete for the day or pause for this moment.

Messages From the Body

And if you’re wanting another step, turn towards this part of the body or imagine it outside of you and from a place of asking and listening, ask it, “What would you like me to know right now?” And listen, without any filter or judgment.

Ask: “What would you like me to know right now?”

Notice any images, emotions, words or sounds that come and pay attention to even a little whisper of something. Something that you might typically ignore or pass by. What would you like me to know right now?

And if a memory comes up, or a thought, a feeling, a sound, anything, if any of that comes up, or presents itself, be with it. Witness it and allow it to be here with your aware presence.

Imagine that you’re watching it like it’s a movie playing. Feel free to pause here and take more time with it.

What Your Body Needs Instinctually

And for today, well take one more step. Ask this part of your body. “What do you need?” And ask it with love, “What do you need?” And listen and see anything that it wants to show you, allow you to feel, or sense.

See if it can get to the very basis of what it needs or see if you understand what it’s saying or showing you and you can always ask for more information.

• Tell me more.
• Can you be more specific?
• Or can you clarify?

Just like you’re asking a loved one and if you understand what it’s saying or showing you, what it’s asking for, give it what it needs or imagine that you’re doing so. And if you’re not understanding, stay with it.

Be patient and just invite any more information.

Allow your body to move freely as you feel into what’s here as you stay with any shift in the body, any uncomfortable or comfortable feeling, feel your breath.

Honoring

When you feel ready, with your hands on this place on the body that you’ve been giving your attention to, with whatever happened today, just honor this part of your body.

Honor that this part of your body is trying to show you something and wants you to heal and that some part of you knows exactly what you need. Some part of you knows how to heal, if it hasn’t done so already.

Thank this part of your body. Thank your whole body. Thank yourself. Notice any gurgling inside, any movement of energy, what sensations are continuing.

When your body feels the readiness, go ahead and move a little bit.

Stretch if you need to.

Slowly begin to open the eyes.

Come back to being here in the present moment.

Notice what catches your eyes. Allow your eyes to land on something that feels soothing to look at, whether that’s a color, an object, plant out the window.

Take a little extra time here to let the body slowly ease back into the space around you, your day.

Closing and Moving Through the Day

And I’ll leave you with just a little bit of music to support the transition as you honor what it is that showed up for you today, and how your body continues to speak to you.

And as you move through today, stay aware of this part of the body and what’s continuing to transform.

Revisiting in the Future

And I invite you to come back to this audio experience and revisit each time something new might reveal itself.

And each time just feeling into a little bit more deepening into the understanding of what your body, your soul, your heart wants to tell you.

What pain or what past experience it wants you to get to know. What beliefs might come up? What images might come up?

And I want to thank you for joining me today and taking this experience and invite you to continue to notice yourself throughout the day. Thanks so much for joining me today and looking forward to having you again here on the Embody Podcast.

Candice Wu 0:00
This episode is with special guest Aleta Cai who is a New York City based healer and dominatrix combining her experiences in a unique form of somatic and energetic healing. In this episode, we talked about permission for pleasure and sensuality, shifting the beliefs around sexuality, how she uses BDSM techniques to awaken the energy of the sacral area, self-love, Kundalini awakenings, showing up in the world versus hiding and shifting the belief sets of lineage and culture around sexuality. This episode may not be for all audiences, please use your own discretion. If you're uncertain whether these topics will trigger you, you can check in with the show notes which will give you a heads up about certain sensitive topics. You can find these show notes at CandiceWu.com/Aleta.

Candice Wu 0:52
Hello and welcome. You're listening to the Embody Podcast, a show about remembering and embodying your true nature, inner wisdom embodied healing and self-love.

Candice Wu 1:06
My name is Candice Wu and I'm a holistic healing facilitator, intuitive coach, and artist sharing my personal journey of vulnerability, offering meditations and guided healing support, and having co-Creative Conversations with healers and wellness practitioners from all over the world.

Candice Wu 1:27
Before we jump into the episode, today, I want to share with you a recent passion project of mine, which is sharing about Dream Work. I love Dream Work. It has given me so much connection with myself, my wisdom and all these energies that may be hidden and discarded or unrevealed to me. And when I tap into my dreams, even when they seem weird, mundane or even terrifying, sometimes, I glean an entire world of wisdom and my own power that I can bring into my life. And so this passion project is a series of dream classes on Skillshare. So, these are dream classes that are in video form and the first one's already out there. It's about how to remember and awaken your dream life. The basics about recording your dreams and how to best remember that when you wake up.

Candice Wu 2:29
And a second one is out there about creating the blueprint of the physiology that will allow your dream life to flourish. These include specific breathing techniques, yogic and body center practices, as well as meditations that you can use to ground yourself and develop the safety and playfulness for your dream life to thrive. So, all of these will help your nervous system feel supported in deep rest and relaxation and giving the capacity for you to remember your dreams better than before.

Candice Wu 3:03
You can find those classes as well as a Skillshare offer that can give you either a couple of free months or a couple of months for 99 cents at CandiceWu.com/dreamphysiology. Any money that I make from Skillshare from these classes will go straight towards the podcast and in creating more classes that you and others can enjoy and also learn from. I hope you enjoy the class and the classes that are coming up around Dream Work and please share if you feel inspired to with anyone that loves Dream Work or wants to get involved in their own dream life.

Candice Wu 3:44
I loved this conversation with Aleta. It was so much fun and we talked about so many different topics related, all related to each other, all related to loving ourselves, all related to the human condition and all the parts of ourselves that might show up and that we can utilize to know ourselves more deeply. Eleta Cai is a New York-based healer and dominatrix who combines her experiences in a very unique form of somatic and energetic healing. And she focuses on embodiment, empowerment and processing trauma. And through her methodology of integrating submission, her clients are able to surrender into their own vulnerabilities in a transformative way.

Candice Wu 4:28
Aleta holds a BA in Psychology as well as an MA in Film Studies both from NYU. And after a few years of working in fashion, she followed her curiosity and fear into a BDSM dungeon. And this ignited a path of healing and integration she never foresaw. And she not only learned the ropes there but learn the ropes for a new way of understanding the human condition. She had a Kundalini awakening that further catapulted her towards a colleague of healing and she began her pursuit of the healing arts first through Reiki, hypnosis, clairvoyance, and integrative life coaching. So, I hope you enjoyed this episode as much as I did, or even more. I love the way Aleta talks about the integration, the crossover of sexuality and power, as well as healing and how all of that can come together. So, let's jump in.

Candice Wu 5:26
Okay, it's fantastic to have you here, Aleta. I'm thrilled that you're on the show. Welcome.

Aleta Cai 5:32
Thank you, I'm really excited to be here.

Candice Wu 5:34
So, I've been following you on Instagram and a friend referred me to you. I just appreciate how vulnerable you share about your personal life, your insights, and the way that you bring together topics that make me think and inspire me, as well as bring together topics around spirituality, sensuality, sexuality, power, loving yourself, all mixed with biology, the unconscious energy in the body. So, you are a New York-based healer and dominatrix and you combine your experiences in a very unique form of somatic and energetic healing. Tell me about that. What brought you here now in your life?

Aleta Cai 6:22
It was just a series of, I suppose the universe, shutting doors and opening windows and kind of following that. And I've initially thought that I wanted to be a professor. Actually, before that I was in fashion, I thought this was it. And then that didn't work out because I really just didn't like the way that women's bodies were being objectified and treated and handled and what the overall message was after that, after the images are created, and then they proliferate in the collective unconscious and body shame women. So, I just said I can't do this anymore and decided, maybe, academia is the right path. And upon following that track, it just was like a giant door shoved in my face basically, like slammed in my face. And I knew that this was not the right track for me.

Aleta Cai 7:12
During this time, I was experimenting a little bit I was freelancing and fashion and in digital. And I just kind of always felt like I wanted to hide a part of myself like to be very secretive about certain things that I did in my life. And one of them was my exploration in a BDSM and dungeon. So, I was a professional dominatrix when I was 24, that's when I started. And I didn't take it very seriously at the beginning. And that was very classic domination, it was just not what I do now, which is a totally different approach. But that's where I really learned the ins and outs of what bondage was, how to flog someone, just a very basic skill sets.

Aleta Cai 7:53
And from that point on, I decided that I would just go independent. So that means that I just would separate myself from the dungeon and become an individual entity, and basically have a private practice. And there is something about just that traditional style of domination that I just didn't resonate with, it was a dead end for me. And that was the point of my life where I had a Kundalini awakening. And suddenly, it was like, it was not only just a dark night of the soul, but it was an ego death. And I let go of so many of my attachments and my narratives. And I realized I'm a healer, I'd always been it just started clicking that I was very empathic, was very intuitive, I was very sensitive my whole life. And these in combination then made me realize, oh, wow, like I actually have energy healing abilities.

Aleta Cai 8:44
And after the Kundalini awakening, my first few sessions, they were like nothing else. It was like suddenly some conduit or some blocks just melted in my body and I was feeling so charged up with all this source energy, Chi or key or whatever it is that was running through me to my clients. And even though it was still very classic BDSM what I was doing, my clients were just like, Whoa, like, Where are you from? What's this energy? They were, they're not very, like, none of them were energetically sensitive people at all. I mean, they're very classic. Like, you remember how a lawyer who was like, What is going on here? He's like, I can feel electricity just shooting down my entire body.

Candice Wu 9:25
Oh, wow!

Aleta Cai 9:26
Yeah.

Candice Wu 9:27
So, you were having these experiences with clients?

Aleta Cai 9:30
Absolutely

Candice Wu 9:31
With your clients? Yeah, wow!

Aleta Cai 9:32
Yeah… It was, like, I was in shock, is like what's going on, I was looking at my hands, it was like jolts of electricity, just washing through me and the other person and seeing the result. I mean, they just look like they transformed. Like it was like, I don't know what happened, but they, just baggage was lifted off of their shoulders, supercharged energy, and I would feel really high afterward. So, I knew from that point on, there is something going on that really a typical but that just became the foundation of what I then developed as a methodology encompassing all the different practices like Reiki, hypnosis, clairvoyance, and then tying that all together with what I knew with my BDSM.

Candice Wu 10:15
Wow. That's incredible.

Aleta Cai 10:17
Thank you.

Candice Wu 10:18
So when, when you were saying you were had the dark night of the soul, and then all this energy was charging through you? What was that experience like for you and what? What broke down inside of you?

Aleta Cai 10:31
I believe now looking back, that awakening or dark night of the soul was a two-year process. And a lot of that was also like, it felt really, really horrible. My mother was really sick. And around the two-year point, she really was on her path towards death. I didn't know what I was going to do, I was clinging on to this, maybe it'd be a professor, but that didn't seem like it was going the right way. And so, it created a sense of struggle and turmoil within where I just felt so incredibly lost.

Aleta Cai 11:07
And I remember going to Japan at that point is not having no sense of what it is that I wanted to do or who I wanted to be. When I came back. I just, I can't even explain the turmoil that I felt it was just like, I can't keep living like this, it got really dark. And so that made me start looking for answers in places that I just didn't even conceive of before, like within the energy medicine field or within, you know, different, different, I guess, Eastern approaches towards healing that were outside of the traditional last year and approach.

Aleta Cai 11:44
And what I ended up finding was a Reiki healer, who kind of just kind of initiated me into this. She really was the first person who dissolved a lot of my blocks and helped me realize what it was that I was coming across. That night when I went home. And I'm remember feeling like my reality had collapsed. I really felt like, with no exaggeration, that I wanted to jump out a window, they had so incredibly bleak and

Candice Wu 12:10
Oh yeah.

Aleta Cai 12:11
Yeah. And the next morning, what was surprising was I woke up and I suddenly felt like it was a new lease on life. It was like something opened, I felt like I was connected to some spirituality that I had never had before I was raised without religion, without spirituality. And I was giggling and laughing and I felt so light, lighter than I'd ever felt in my life. And I just felt like my heart was open. And I was connecting, and just so grateful to be alive. And so, that's really what it felt like it was a profound shift from dark to light.

Candice Wu 12:49
I can really relate to that. I think I've had maybe two phases of that. And it is, you know that saying where, I don't know, it's like something like, when things feel like they're breaking, they're probably breaking open. It just makes me think of that, of how, when the things that we thought we were who we thought we were just breaks and dismantles. It can feel incredibly horrifying and terrifying and then when that clears away, the clutter, as you've said it before, and some of your posts on Instagram, we find ourselves and then we find that lightness and joy, and that laughter. So, I'm just relating to what you said about your story. And it sounds like you're in this path of who you truly, and who you truly are and who you truly want to be.

Aleta Cai 13:54
Absolutely. And it's really, I mean, I feel like the dark night of the soul itself maybe as a second step in the whole spectrum of the whole process of everything about of maybe if it's encapsulated as enlightenment, or just the journey itself. I do feel like what comes after that is just still a series of difficulties and integrations and different ways of understanding, different theories, and philosophies. And it's never-ending.

Candice Wu 14:24
Yeah, that evolution.

Aleta Cai 14:26
Exactly.

Candice Wu 14:28
And during the process of that kind of awakening that's so powerful. What did you do? And what do you to, to support yourself through it?

Aleta Cai 14:38
Initially, I didn't really have any resources whatsoever I, after it happened, I lost the majority of my friends because it was such a radical way of thinking, that they just weren't used to it. I also really needed to self-isolate. I'm not sure if you've had the experience to where it's like suddenly, when this happens, you just want to kind of be by yourself and learn everything that you can about your new cells and your new approach to life. Yeah, so,

Candice Wu 15:08
Very much so.

Aleta Cai 15:09
Right, it's, I think it's a necessary part of the process. And because of that, I didn't really have a lot of support. And I also at that stage, I was very ungrounded, it was like my crown chakra opened, and it opened so wide, that I was just out of my body. So, a lot of it was that and just finding, following my curiosity, again, which is what led me into BDSM. Following my curiosity into learning about Reiki or learning about these different modalities of healing that helped me surround myself with different people who share the same interests. And then from shared conversations, just picking up bits and pieces of what I resonated with, and what I would incorporate into my own practice. And also, I read so much it was like this thirst for new knowledge. So, anything I could get myself hands on, I read everything, I could Google, I googled, I probably Google dark night of the soul, maybe like 100 times.

Aleta Cai 16:06
Just define different ways that people have like lifted. You know, like all my YouTube channels have subscribed to so many of those channeling, channels and I think it's just like going through it. And then also, I feel like the universe supports you in that they, the universe presents you with a series of opportunities to learn. So, whatever it is that you're facing now, whether it be a challenge, or an opportunity, or maybe those are the same things, it's really looking at and distilling what it is that you're learning and picking out those specific pieces that resonate with all the shared experiences to understand what web of development that you're in. And then from that point on, if you can match the next phase of your life cycle, or if you can kind of develop a little bit further after you've, I guess, passed that lesson, then you go on to the next stage. So, I do feel like even if you have no resources, no support, no access to any sort of knowledge. The universe is going to give you that opportunity to have that knowledge just through living.

Candice Wu 17:13
Absolutely. I love that reminder, it feels like just easing in and letting that happen. And listening to those pieces, those signals that are trying to come to you already.

Aleta Cai 17:25
Exactly. That's a really beautiful way to put it. It's just awareness.

Candice Wu 17:29
Yeah, awareness. So, tell me about how you incorporate BDSM now, because it sounds like the way that felt deadening to you, that dead end past two before has really taken a different shape. And you've harnessed those skills and that power in a different way now with your healing work. So, what does that look like?

Aleta Cai 17:58
So the differences would be in the dungeon, it would be a people coming in for maybe like an hour, two hours, some people did longer sessions, but mostly the intention was just to honestly get off. And that was built into the scene. So, even though there weren't any illegal activities, it still felt like it was catering specifically towards and not only just eroticism or sexuality or anything, but just for the aim of an orgasm, which that just didn't sit well with me because I wanted something that was more open-ended and more transformative. And it also felt like a no judgment whatsoever to that type of practice because I, of course, began that way.

Aleta Cai 18:41
I just feel like that creates some sense of dead end or it's just not, it's not really something that can be cathartic. And that's really what I was aiming for in my work. I wanted something that was ongoing that would unfold much like the journey that we all are on. So, when I went into more of a healing route, what I did was isolated all the BDSM components that I had learned in the dungeon. For instance, flogging, whipping, caning, just deciphering what it is these activities were able to do to elicit catharsis. And I really studied a lot with — I met with certain people that I really respected and saw their techniques. So, not only was it looking at building my techniques, but looking at also what other people do to elicit certain reactions like pain reactions, or how do you pace caning so that you can create a body high and what's too much.

Aleta Cai 19:39
So, these were really expansive ways of relating to something which in the dungeon we weren't taught, it was just like, just take this cane and meet this person. And you learn a little basic how to like you basically new, don't beat him here, don't do this there. But that was it. And what I realized was, it is so expansive like you, you can work with the root chakra when it comes to hitting certain spots on a person's but, and it really does work that area where a lot of stress, we hold it, a lot of us hold it in our sacred. So these were just like fine tuning and pulling in and creating more of a larger way of approaching it. That's more therapeutic and origin as opposed to just orgasm base.

Candice Wu 20:20
That's beautiful. It sounds like you really took those skills and refined them and opened up the ways that that can be a channel to opening up who someone is or what's held in the body.

Aleta Cai 20:35
Absolutely.

Candice Wu 20:36
So with that, tell me more about how you use dominance and submission and incorporate that to help your clients surrender into their own vulnerabilities and learn more about themselves?

Aleta Cai 20:52
That's a really great question. So, what I think is that there's one big piece here, which is some of the people who see me, who explore their submission are truly exploring it from a part of their core identities. I do feel like there are some people who are hard-wired to feel more satisfied as a submissive and because of that, because they are given a safe space, they have an opportunity to explore that.

Aleta Cai 21:16
Secondly, I do find that sometimes there are ways that we, I think most people have a certain curated way of behaving in society because of certain rules and certain industries, or certain places and spaces that we all fit in. And unfortunately, a lot of times, these restrict us from exploring the whole spectrum of how we can be, and sometimes impedes, especially these pieces of core identity. So, if we have a context where it's basically decontextualized from the entirety of social expectations, and then we bring it into a really safe space where people can just be themselves and do whatever they want, and incorporate their core identity is, then I feel like that itself is therapeutic, not only for the sub, but for the dom, too.

Aleta Cai 22:06
And then I would also say, in submission, if we're just looking at submission, in this context, in BDSM, it's allowing them to also fall into their sexuality. So, even though this isn't sexual in nature, there is a core part about this being the submission, I do feel like in BDSM and kink are all really tied into sexuality. I do feel like most people have a very primal nature that's already tied into kinks and to non-vanilla types of interactions. Even if they're just tiny, like someone may be like, be choked, or have their hair pulled.

Candice Wu 22:45
It's in our nature to have kinks and to have those be part of what excites us.

Aleta Cai 22:52
Right, right. And given that this is a place where that out in the open, I do feel like people can surrender more to that aspect. And I really look at when I'm looking at power, I'm looking at the power, the life force that's sitting in this sacral chakra, which oftentimes is shut down, especially for women. And also for men, too, that I see, I noticed that there's this pattern of closing off to emotions, as not every man is like this, of course, I'm grossly generalizing. But I do feel like there's a social pressure for masculinity to be closed down, and no emotions are appropriate except for anger. So, when I see men in my practice, I do feel like their life force is also blocked in the sacral chakra, maybe for different reasons or similar reasons.

Aleta Cai 23:37
So, when we're looking at submission, they're sinking into not only their core identities, they're also thinking into the freedom of expression. And also, they're sinking into this layer of sexuality that's inherent in the human condition, in just living day to day and being a person. And when we have all those things address at the same time, that's when I feel like someone can be truly vulnerable. So, it's not just about sharing or being very open, it's truly a state of being where they're receptive, they understand that they're understood and that there's nothing they need to be held to in that moment. And that allows a really deep level of healing because they're very porous, in all ways. And I do find, I also have a vanilla healing practice. And although it's, I don't incorporate BDSM into this practice, what I do find is that people usually have a little more of a difficulty and talking about their relationship to their sexuality to their sexual self. And it's not really focused on that at all. So, that's why I make it kind of a core part of the BDSM experience because then that component, which is so strong, and all of us, it's our will to procreate, to create, to feel and if we can incorporate that then it's more of a holistic approach.

Candice Wu 25:01
I love that, I love how you're describing what's what can be locked into the sacred area, and it was just thinking about second chakra and how its power in relationship. And what you're saying is exactly that like power in relationship to your emotions and what you're you can and you cannot emote, or be or feel through given, you know the constraints of what we've put on ourselves in society

Aleta Cai 25:32
Exactly.

Candice Wu 25:33
But you're unleashing that, and creating that freedom, where that power isn't over you anymore, you harness all of it, you can be all of it.

Aleta Cai 25:45
Exactly. That's really nicely said.

Candice Wu 25:48
This sounds really fun.

Aleta Cai 25:52
It's really fun. It's um, I was thinking that yesterday not to toot my own horn, but I was just thinking like, well, like I'm pretty lucky, just being able to do kind of like, make it my own and make it a place where I can feel like I can express not only my core identity as being a healer, but my, well my core identity as a healer and as a dominatrix.

Aleta Cai 26:14
I do feel like a lot of times, in my practice, I'm also being healed through my relationship, as you say that the sacral chakra is about connection is about relationship. And a lot of this healing, I really feel like is always about the interrelationship of what it is that you're matching and what it is that you are working through in your life. And when you can see it mirrored, it also helps you to release a lot of your own blocks. And it's fun I can where I can dress up as a dominatrix. And I can feel great. And we're latex and where are these like super heels that are six inches tall! What I can't do that in normal-day-life, and I can strut around, and with canes and whips, and I mean, I think it's so, it's like theater in a way but a theater for one.

Aleta Cai 27:03
Meanwhile, I do feel like I'm adding something I'm helping my subs live a healthier life, or at least be more aware of a more comprehensive health and energetic parts of their lives that are so important to living a balanced life. So, I really feel like it's a win-win for everyone. Especially me.

Candice Wu 27:26
That's beautiful. That's beautiful. I think that that's where you know, you've, you're living the life you want because it is for you, and it is forever. Like it's, I guess I want to say it's just not separate, as you're speaking to it's so much your expression and something you love and want to express in you. And then it is mutually, in whatever way it is for the other person or other people. It's mutually as powerful. And healing. So, I think that's just beautiful.

Aleta Cai 28:02
Thank you, you're right about that. It's, um, I do feel like healing is a selfless service. At the same time, I think that there's duality. So all of this selflessness to selfishness to why it is that we are unique individuals wide as we're coming to this earth with certain gifts. And only we have them in combinations that we do. And a lot of that is like not making it about you but also knowing what it is that you have to offer being present, which really is about standing your ground is you. And so, then people can then play off that energy and be able to utilize your energy. In the beginning, I was always really invisible in my work. I didn't think that I needed to be really, like I didn't want it to be about me at all. I disappeared. And I think that was problematic, because then where are you? You're a ghost, you're not really just like adding anything you the actual conversation.

Candice Wu 29:01
Right.

Aleta Cai 29:02
It needs to be a conversation.

Candice Wu 29:04
Absolutely. I mean, I have a very obvious and clear example for that in my life when I first started this podcast, which was about a year ago, I was so afraid of it, I was, I knew I needed to do it. I knew I needed to put my voice out there. But when I was doing interviews, I would just ask one quick question and then disappear. And I would just hope the other person would talk for the rest of the time,

Aleta Cai 29:30
Right!

Candice Wu 29:33
If you're listening to this, you know, or you Aleta, you ever go back to like the early conversations, I love the guests that I had on there. And that's part of why I wanted to give them the space to talk. But a big part of that, too, was me just hiding. Hoping they would take up the space. so I didn't have to and that definitely didn't feel good. And I knew it. I knew it was happening. But it took some time to show up.

Aleta Cai 29:59
Yeah, I definitely feel you on that.

Candice Wu 30:02
Yeah. And how did it go for you to start showing up for yourself and in yourself? What initiated that? or How did you do that?

Aleta Cai 30:14
So, I believe at the very beginning, because I was still coming off as the whole expansive crown chakra opening and I wasn't exactly grounded and I didn't understand the spiritual tenants of being embodied and why that was important. I would say I then in my earlier days, matched clients who also wanted to basically bypass. I feel like that was just misinformation, everything that I was reading was basically about transcendental states about leaving the body to obtain spirituality. And that was the good way to be above it, to be so above the truth that you don't even see it as truth anymore.

Aleta Cai 30:53
So, in my evolution, what ended up happening was working through a series of big blocks as in blocks to addressing what it was I was really feeling. And these came in episodes in my life, for instance, grieving after my mom passed, that was really tapping into the core of my relationship with my family, and all these things that moved out in my lower chakras. Then, a lot of the other work I would attribute to acting. I was luckily had the opportunity to take these acting courses, which I'm still in now. And that was all about being in the body being present. And also just knowing how to move the energy of emotions in your body where you hold them. That was an education.

Aleta Cai 31:43
Just seeing how other people also even related to their emotions helped me realize what collectively we hold and how we hold it, and how to help other people move it out. So, I would say that establish some of the groundwork, and also my acting teacher, notice she during our talkback, she said to me, you're absolutely invisible in your work. She's like you make it so about the other person's experience that you're not even in it. She's like, you can't hide, you have to be there because if you're in it, then you're allowing, your you're basically achieving the aim of taking care of the other person, because you're giving them something to do, as opposed to just like being there holding the space for the other person.

Aleta Cai 32:25
So, when I heard that, I realized, okay, it really is important. I was always resistant to seeming like it was about me or like being coming across like narcissistic, or anything in the work because I had healers in the past who I found that with, who made it all about them. But I do feel like it's a fine balance, because people are being drawn to you for a certain reason, because you hold the knowledge that maybe they need you to share, they need your experiences. And so, being invisible just is not serving anyone and the more present you are but still allowing and still holding the space, the more you're giving to the other person.

Candice Wu 33:04
Absolutely. I love how you're sharing that now. And it's, just great to see you show up. And I think the people that make me feel the safest are people like you that are sharing vulnerably or honestly. And not just using that but just like having that be open for itself it, for its own sake, but then also being able to tie that into something that's insightful and helpful because you're experiencing it. Not because it's like for other people, but it's for you. And it's valuable,

Aleta Cai 33:45
Right, and it's universal in the end. I do feel like a lot of this is about learning that going into the self and unraveling that and being able to share those pieces not because it's just because I want to talk about myself, but because it's a shared experience. I can help other people realize what they're going through, too, like I had a client, who said she never realized the extent to which she was sexually assaulted in her life until she heard her friends share their stories. And she said that happened to me. My friend is not okay with it. I'm not okay with it, either. And that's what elicited all these repressed emotions around the incidents. So, that's what I hope to do is just by broadcasting a little bit about what I've been through, maybe it's something that all women have been through, I mean, there's some commonality and no matter gender, any types of separation or even like identification. And so, just I think it's just the overall human experience.

Candice Wu 34:43
Mm-hmm. Absolutely. And it just also releases more shame, and more hiding from, for everyone because when we are open like that we can identify in each other, and we can see ourselves in the other person and connect in a different way. So, I think that's very powerful.

Aleta Cai 35:04
Yeah, it's true. Connecting is so important.

Candice Wu 35:08
Yeah, I think it's so wonderful where you are in your life. And I wonder what kinds of struggles you're having now, what challenges are, what things are you tussling with?

Aleta Cai 35:20
Currently, I would say, I come up against confusion a lot. Because of the fact that I feel like I'm occupying such a space where I can be very many different things, and it's up to me, it's not a template that's been created before. So, it's really up to me to pull in the pieces and make decisions. And that feels a little bit overwhelming. I know that there are a lot of studies out there that say choice can be quite stressful. And yeah,

Candice Wu 35:53
Freedom can be really scary.

Aleta Cai 35:55
Yes. And yeah, constantly sorting through what your choices are, and weighing the options and trying to project into the future is just very draining and hard. But it's where our rational minds like to be. So, I come up against that a lot. I would say because I could build my healing practice, or practices in a different direction, move more towards that, or I could move more towards BDSM. And it's a constant kind of push-pull between where I want to go and where I want to invest my energy. And then on another level, I think that we all just come across life, I struggle with my family, I struggle with, you know, living in New York, it's not easy. And I struggle with knowing just in situations how to be sometimes or what it is that I want out of a relationship, or do I want a relationship at all in any sort of like, platonic romantic ways. I really just think that it's simple, uncomplicated, and I think I think we're all going to a struggle at all different times. But I guess it's what you make of it.

Candice Wu 37:06
Absolutely. I think so. And especially when we're at different parts of our lives, it's like things unlock at different points in our lives. And then different parts of us are revealed, and different struggles come with that, or different parts of us are trying to come to the surface to be known and that brings its whole, anything that's blocking it or anything that gets in the way. So, I can definitely relate to that.

Aleta Cai 37:33
Yeah.

Candice Wu 37:34
And the confusion. Yeah, I mean, when you come to, at least it sounds like from where, from what I'm hearing from you, it sounds like you've attained a level of freedom in yourself. And when you do that, all those choices can be opened up. And so, I can imagine it's not easy to know, where you want to go next, or what's exactly, right?

Aleta Cai 37:57
Yes, exactly. I'm constantly checking the motor underlying that decision making, if it's coming from fear, if it's coming from overthinking with the rational mind, or if it's a purely intuitive choice, which I feel like intuition, like these irrational choices sometimes can be disguised as just impulsive behaviors that may not serve you. So, it's just constantly going between all those like, is this the right choice is this because I think that you'd mentioned earlier the idea of the unlived life. And with that I really just felt like sometimes when I'm making choices for breaking out of resistance and living this undetermined, and also very freeing, beautiful life can sometimes be making an irresponsible decision, are you at least I think that sometimes when I'm making a decision, maybe it's coming from being irresponsible, or maybe it's escapism from my present reality. So, I think it's about being very, very clear about how you're making these choices. And using both the rational and the intuitive to make that decision.

Candice Wu 39:11
Hmm, absolutely. Especially that part about that some choices we think are intuitive, or maybe as you said, irrational can be disguised from the impulse that it actually is, that really touches me somewhere.

Candice Wu 39:29
So what delights you in your life right now Aleta?

Aleta Cai 39:34
What delights me, I would say most recently, I had a bit of a heartbreaking moment. And that just kind of opened me up. Like it just opened my heart to just connecting with people and in so many different situations. And this happened when I was in LA. I saw my father after a year and a half. And it was just not how I want it to be. I think that I romanticize change and other people because I change a lot. I'm constantly trying to grow. So, I think well, maybe other people in my life have changed, too. But sometimes that's not the case.

Aleta Cai 40:14
And when that happened, it was like every opportunity I had, I would talk to someone and engage and have a conversation, understand what their point of view is, what their background is. And it could be the most superficial conversation, you just talk about what food you ate that day. But yet, I feel like there's still, it's not even about what you're saying. It's that you're being present. And you are understanding from this person's point of view that you will never see again.

Aleta Cai 40:41
That's really what I've been finding really fulfilling, especially New York City, I feel like the city can impale you with the energy or at least like be so overwhelming that it closes you off to these insignificant or seemingly insignificant ways of connecting with other people. And I do feel like the more that we can just be in it and have these open conversations to the point where we're not being overwhelmed or drained by them. It can really bring a lot of spark into our lives. And the more I do that, the happier I am, because I'm truly embracing all these moments that I have

Candice Wu 41:17
I love that, like the little moments and bringing them more attention and love.

Aleta Cai 41:23
Yeah, I mean, I'm grateful to be able to have any of these conversations. I'm grateful to have a perspective or to have experiences or to even have a favorite food from today or you know, these like little thing.

Candice Wu 41:37
I know the little things just seem even to me more increasingly important.

Aleta Cai 41:42
Yes, definitely, I mean, the larger things are all just an accumulation of these smaller things anyway, right.

Candice Wu 41:49
Right. Well, I have two more topics that I'm interested in talking about. And I just want to know if fill in, if you in want to talk about these. One is about sensuality and pleasure and permission, and the other is about self-love, and self-hatred.

Aleta Cai 42:10
Definitely. I mean, these are themes that are very prominent right now and my exploration, I would say that was sensuality and sexuality, and how it relates to my personal evolution. When I started domming, I don't think I had a very healthy relationship with my sexuality at all because I feel like this culture and maybe even the age group that I'm in, promotes this almost like free, seeming way of relating to each other and hookup culture. But meanwhile, it's actually very vacuous at its core. And it's about not really connecting.

Aleta Cai 42:44
And I think I had to work through a lot of shame relating to my sexuality through domming because at first, I felt because it was so sexual, I felt really ashamed of what I was doing. Because in my family and in my culture, and my upbringing, that was not okay. So, that took a lot of like confronting what it was that I was holding on to unconsciously in relationship to my sexuality. And I did hold on to consciously binaries of what women could be and how they could relate to their sexuality and a very traditional Chinese culture, within the very oppressive and I didn't even come to realize how separated I was from my sexuality and how scared I was.

Aleta Cai 43:30
And after my spiritual awakening, what I also did find was in a lot of these, I guess, transcendental, be maybe it's not even under this umbrella, but a lot of the bypassing material or education, when it comes to spirituality is about bypassing out of sexuality. It's like sexuality is wrong, we're not going to talk about it in this circle. And how do we like eliminate that, we don't want to have these basic human needs. So, that, too, was very separating from my sensuality and my sexuality.

Aleta Cai 44:04
So, later, this happened within the last two years, I found Tantra. I found ways of connecting to my own sexuality in a different way, and releasing a lot of the stagnant energy in my sacral didn't realize how much pain and anger is held there. And that I think, was my first kind of sexual education in a very spiritual way, and all-encompassing way. From that point on, after releasing a lot of those blocks, I just felt much more sensual and I almost feel like I gave myself permission to be that. I used to think that if you gave yourself permission to be sexual, it just meant that you were having sex with everyone. It's not that at all, I feel like that was a misconception I have, and maybe I had, and maybe some people share that too.

Aleta Cai 44:54
It's about as I found, power over power that comes from your sexuality is being very contained and very grounded and very accepting of the fact that you are a sexual being as a human being, and that it's okay to have urges, and it's okay to have sex with the right partners. And to know what your boundaries are, what your limits are, and how much you need in terms of intimacy, or maybe not at all. And what's really transformed is that I feel much more secure and much more safe in my body, which I didn't, before, I used to feel like, the way maybe handled my sexual energy was very much displacing it, it was a sense of like, I'm not in control of my sexuality, and I'm repressing my urges. And that really attracted to men who elicited discomfort in me, because they were maybe seemed really creepy or lecherous, because they were sniffing out that energy unconsciously, and it came off for them, like, I'm going to control your sexual energy. That was the match that I was having. So, yeah, so now it's much more like.

Candice Wu 46:04
That makes a lot of sense.

Aleta Cai 46:05
Yeah. Now, it's much more just like people who are just grounded and connected to their sexuality. I'm matching with those people. So, it's just I think it changes everything. It makes you I think, more creative, too, if you're open to your sexual energy.

Candice Wu 46:21
Absolutely. I think it's one and the same and, and that permission to have pleasure seems equated to permission to have desire, and to, to have what you want in life. And if it's coming from that clear place, not of resistance, not of like fighting against part of yourself that is natural. It can be so powerful.

Aleta Cai 46:47
I agree. And what I learned, that was key in my own healing was that for a lot of women, and just generally, but especially women are body sometimes may not feel safe and pleasure, because we're taught, oh, this is wrong, or there's some sort of unconscious programming that says that. And so, as you orient your body to feeling safe with pleasure, and associating it with good pleasure and not just escapist pleasure. I do feel like this instinct gets displaced in unhealthy ways of self-medicating or getting that quick fix, which can actually be self-sabotaging. But by tapping in and connecting to a healthy version of pleasure, you're then creating it unconsciously and in your body, that it's okay to pursue that. So, then I do feel since I've been on that path, opportunities, opening up and work, in friendships that are just generally more pleasurable, because I feel okay with it. I'm allowing it, life is pleasurable, I feel if we allow it to be.

Candice Wu 47:51
Yeah, absolutely. I completely agree. And it's, it feels like an underlying thread of worthiness, too, that you're worthy of it, and you're worthy of the pleasurable experiences that are coming your way. And that life, I don't know if I'd say life is meant to be pleasurable, because I can't say that for everyone. But for me, it feels like coming to the place in my life where it's meant to be pleasurable.

Aleta Cai 48:15
Yeah, I agree. I feel like there's also this struggle with that, I think in the collective unconscious, it's like, not only like, how much do I deserve to have this pleasurable, but what is deemed, I guess, okay. Like, I feel like sometimes I came up with guilt when I was this pleasurable experience. Why do I get that? Why is it that other people don't? Or, you know, there's, I guess it is tied into self-worth. But at the same time, I do feel like most people can find some sense of joy or pleasure in their day to day, I mean, sometimes I'm so just happy that I have like a piece of chocolate. And that's pleasurable and itself, I think it's really about like, understanding that pleasure may not come with expectations, and that just something so small can be so pleasurable, and everyone has access to that innate state.

Candice Wu 49:07
Oh, absolutely. And you're bringing up this idea of why do I get this pleasure, and someone else might not in that guilt, or maybe even shame, and that's something I've worked through myself. And I wondered, for you, especially you brought up your ancestry and your family and your culture.

Candice Wu 49:27
This, this is something that's not sexual related, but it's definitely sensuality and pleasure. I was eating crab legs, with this partner, ex of mine, and I just started crying while eating it, because I was like, my grandparents would never buy these for themselves, they would never spend the money, they would never feel like they would be worthy of it. Why do I get to be enjoying this? When they can't, and I don't think it's that they can't, it's just that they make choices differently. But what that came from, for me was this feeling actually of love, love for my family, and loyalty. And the way that it showed up was, if I don't have pleasure, too, I'll be loyal to them. And I'll love them.

Aleta Cai 50:17
Wow.

Candice Wu 50:19
And so when that came through, it was like, Oh, that's just not the way to love, that's not loving. I mean, it is, you know, in a backward way, but there's a new way to love. And that was an old way. And I can love them and have pleasure. And they can have it, too, If they choose. They may be in a different situation but some people perhaps can't choose that. But at least my loving can be more pure and clean now.

Candice Wu 50:47
So, I wonder for you how your ancestry comes into sensuality and sex and pleasure. And you'd mentioned some of the belief sets that you'd have you had worked through? Yeah. Wow. I mean, I'm also Chinese. So, I, I don't doesn't mean we have had similar experiences. But I did wonder, you know, what, what the experience of your ancestry brings to this conversation?

Aleta Cai 51:17
Definitely. Well, I do feel like there's underlying cultural misogyny that I've come up against. And that comes into form with this basic underlying philosophy of Neo Confucianism, where the idea before, at least from my understanding in China was, women are not valuable or as not as valuable as men. And then women were then, you saw this happen in orphanages where there are just lots of little girls that were discarded because of the one-child law, because everyone wanted a boy, and how women kind of their only hope for a better life would just be to marry off into a family and she became their property.

Aleta Cai 51:59
And being, bringing Neo Confucianism, I believe that was this underlying feeling, or this like program, which made me feel like my body, my vessel was owed to men. So, I found this happened not only sexually where I was just so like, and this is I feel like collective too, because of porn and the way that it's distributed and, and shot where it's really about worshiping the phallus, like, male pleasure is predominant. So, I felt kind of without realizing that my, it wasn't about my needs, I was not in touch with myself. I think I completely dissociated in sex when I was younger, and I couldn't get past the shame, and I couldn't get passed, making it about the other person completely and making sure that they were feeling pleasured.

Aleta Cai 52:47
And I also saw this happen energetically to where I was running my partner's energy through my body. And that always felt weird because I didn't want to, I wanted to be in my own experience, I just didn't realize that it was this unconscious piece that may have been cultural, that I felt like my body was owed, that my body was like somebody else's property in a way.

Aleta Cai 53:11
And I came up against also like my mother, she brought me up in a very traditional Chinese home, where she and my father, they had only slept with each other. And they were married when they did that, and there was a lot of shaming about dating or exploring their sexuality was just like a, why would you ever do that kind of thing. We never talked about sex ever in the household. So, when I started to kind of assimilate a little more and start to become, you know, I started to be a little more open with the way that I relate it to men, I do feel like I experienced quite a lot of judgment from my mother. And that hurt. I think, just when you get disapproval from parents, it can be really, it can feel life threatening sometimes because you relied on getting their validation or being part of the in-group to be able to, as you said earlier, express your love to fit in, to be taken care of as a child. So, yeah, I think that it really broke me down. It disconnected me from my sexuality, from my needs, and it's an ever-growing process. But the more I'm in touch, the better my life is.

Candice Wu 54:19
Yeah. Wow. Thanks for sharing that. Socially and was self-love?

Aleta Cai 54:24
Sure!

Candice Wu 54:25
Any thoughts about that today?

Aleta Cai 54:26
Self-love? Yeah, I've actually was thinking quite a lot about this today. I would say. So, I recently had a client who we did a little practice where we worked on self-love, giving herself some assurance and connecting to her inner self. And she had a lot of resistance to it. I saw a clairvoyant image, it was almost like a little hole inside of a tree that was in her heart center. It was his idea where it was like this little hole that wouldn't receive, you know, it's like rooted and really strong and beautiful, but she had trouble receiving love from herself because she was taught to hate herself.

Candice Wu 55:07
Oh, yeah.

Aleta Cai 55:08
And what I told her, yeah, which I feel like is a common thing. I feel like, for anyone, we're always coming up against that harsh inner critic, and reasons why we're not good enough. That's just the way that our culture I feel our society is built on just like creating these voids and making people feel not good enough. So, that will buy things and self medicate. So.

Candice Wu 55:31
Yeah.

Aleta Cai 55:32
Yeah, yeah. And what I really found was that, sometimes even because I've worked so much on self-love, what happens is then, we can, if we're like very much in, I'm very much in my third, third eye, so, it's like a lot of mental activity, I will sometimes think that I love myself, when my still my programming, unconsciously, is just repressing that inner critic where I don't feel good about myself. So, I think that's really the conflict that some people can run into when it comes to developing a better protocol for self-love is that it's, maybe we're bypassing or suppressing that part. That's still just like the ego trying to monitor and trying to criticize and trying to judge ourselves.

Aleta Cai 56:19
So, what I found through this client was that no, actually, the pure self is the one that knows how to love, the pure self when we're born.

Candice Wu 56:26
Mmm, yeah.

Aleta Cai 56:27
Yeah, I feel like as a baby, you're hardwired to be such a loving creature, because how else are you going to receive care? If you're not bonding, because love is bonding. And so it's just a natural way of being. So, it's not about, for her, like, she felt like she had to force herself to love herself, or like bypasses part. No, it's really just clearing the clutter of what it is these programs are and realizing that these are just programs, they're not your real self. And as long as you start moving those pieces out, you're also moving out the resistance to the self-love, because that's at the very bottom of all of this.

Aleta Cai 57:03
So, I think that the solution, I used to think that self-love was weirdly outside of me that it was something that I had to grab and like pull into my body. But really, it's something that's already core, and it's just clearing, that needs to happen. And then being more accepting at the same time, I do feel like there's a balance, because I do feel like being hard on myself and not being self loving or accepting has driven me in many ways to achieve I do feel like when we're really hungry for achievements constantly, it's maybe still coming from a place of I'm not enough, or for some people, not for everyone, for me definitely.

Candice Wu 57:46
Right.

Aleta Cai 57:47
And by doing that, I just I started to realize that it's part of knowing what motivates you. And, and knowing and I don't want to care what the think. But I think, the bottom line is, if your achievement focus, you do care on some level what other people think. And that can be useful, too, you can decide not to take it in, but still, use that as a way to sell a way to like kind of monitor where you are in your life and how you're kind of positioning and achieving things. And that may be also motivating. So, I do find it kind of a balance, because I don't want to be the person who is just so accepting that I don't feel like I need to do anything at all. Okay, right?

Candice Wu 58:30
Right. Right. Right. That's beautifully said.

Aleta Cai 58:35
Yeah, thank you. Um, so I think it's always fine tuning, always going back and reevaluating where you are and how you want to feel, and giving yourself permission to feel good about yourself, and allowing that I just kind of jump over feeling good about myself. When I've achieved something, I just go to the next thing. But that's being very, very harsh on myself and I need to kind of move that a little bit further on the spectrum towards being a little softer and gentler, and kinder with myself.

Candice Wu 59:05
Yeah, and like letting ourselves enjoy the moment of celebration and pleasure and reward, and not skipping it.

Aleta Cai 59:14
Definitely!

Candice Wu 59:15
It's like sending a message to ourselves that we're allowed to feel that

Aleta Cai 59:18
Yeah.

Candice Wu 59:19
And then we're allowed to feel it in the real moment, real time.

Aleta Cai 59:21
Yes. And this also really ties back into BDSM. It just occurred to me that there's this, I feel the masochistic urge and many people, at least in my experiences in the dungeon, most people they may not have identified as a masochist, but I do feel like there is an undercurrent of masochism. I think it shows up in just the way that we live our lives. I mean, athletes, people say that athletes or masochist because you're pushing your body to the point of pain. I feel like anyone else.

Candice Wu 59:51
Yes.

Aleta Cai 59:51
Yeah, who trains for endurance in any different field or, or puts themselves through very rigorous programs, you must on some level identify with the pain or love it to be able to get through to the next side, because how else are you going to do it? So, I do think that's intrinsic to the human condition is that yes, there's bottom line, a little bit of masochism, maybe a little bit of like, flogging yourself constantly, and maybe a little bit of knowledge, right, or deprivation being like, I deserve that pleasure. And that's just I think it's just all core, it comes back into kinkiness into our primal nature, into our experience of life. I don't want to be the person who gives that up, and doesn't like, you know, hit myself when I'm wrong, right? I mean, I don't, but I punish myself for doing something wrong. But I know that maybe I am hardwired to be a little masochistic as maybe most people are.

Candice Wu 1:00:46
Yeah, I'm laughing because it took me years to realize how masochistic, I was…

Aleta Cai 1:00:52
Really?

Candice Wu 1:00:52
to myself. Yes. And, and, and, okay. Speaking of things being disguised, it was disguised in the form of growth And disguised in the form of like, I guess, quote and quote, more self-love. But it was driven by not enough, or can I prove that I am strong. And it's, what I did for so long, and there's still pieces working out and I can, I can catch myself doing it some times where I go towards a hard experience, something that's like, very intense, or in some in a lifetime, unnecessarily intense for me, because I don't, in a way, there are some experiences that I need to just walk away from, that I haven't learned the walking away from energy or action. And so, I'll just keep going into it and into it in into it, like, intense process groups that are discussing power and authority and leadership, with race, ethnicity, and difference.

Candice Wu 1:02:00
And these are just so such intense experiences, or my most recent experience of being in Ireland, where I did an exchange with this woman, and I didn't know a thing about her, really, and I stayed with her family and in her home. I knew I was walking in a bit blind. And when I got there, it was just an incredibly harsh environment all around, like inner personally, weather-wise, space-wise. The learning with the horses that I was meant to learn there, that was also challenging.

Candice Wu 1:02:39
And without going into all the details, it took me two and a half weeks to realize this was way too harsh of an environment for me to actually learn in a good way. And I think it was just my masochistic side coming out again, and thinking I need to endure something hard in order to learn, I need to endure something to show my grit. And I don't. So, I think what you're bringing up is so important, like there's this fine balance and almost like a deep awareness of what is it that is happening? And is it a pattern, and what all these ways of our being are important at different times. And when have we overused one versus the other. And we're self-love doesn't just mean acceptance all the time of, of not doing anything or acceptance of anything. But sometimes self-love means to say no or to move away from something you feel an impulse to do, or just to use every tool we've got. What do you think about that?

Aleta Cai 1:03:39
Absolutely. I'm thinking, I'm thinking, yes, it's a gradient. And I do find that is based on what you shared in your experience. That part of the masochism for because I also share that I've put myself through very enduring acts and experiences knowing that maybe I can take it, maybe I can take it, maybe there's something to be learned. And I often do find that even though I may be really burnt out or drained, there is something valuable in that because it helps you recalibrate where your boundaries are, as you're saying, what shade or which, which compartment or which, like what the balances and on the spectrum of your personality, what works for you.

Aleta Cai 1:04:22
I do feel like when we are looking for hardships, again, tying in masochism, or going for that I do feel like the struggle is needed to find resilience. I do find that many of the times when I have had pain in my life, I've learned so much more than if I were just having this really, really lovely experience that's no in no way painful or disappointing. And so a lot of times I, too, I'm drawn to situations that may be a little difficult or really difficult. And through that, I find that we can see the gifts a lot, a lot clearer. So, I think there's a reason why we are programmed the way we are when I do find that even with these things like if we are, if we do accept the premise that people are programmed to be masochistic by nature, and that's something that's driving us in certain situations, then there must also be a part of us that experiences pleasure through that, too, because that's ultimately what masochism is, you find pleasure and pain?

Candice Wu 1:05:24
Yes, yes. I think that makes a lot of sense and the desire underneath the masochism to grow or to learn something new, or reveal something, or recalibrate a new boundary, as you said, it's this constant push-pull between the balance of where you are, and then the pushing into something uncomfortable that gets us to a new place or a new expansion. So, I think that makes a lot of sense.

Aleta Cai 1:05:50
Yeah, I just recently came across this really beautiful story about a butterfly and how the butterfly needs that struggle of emergence to be able to become a butterfly. And if it's short-circuited, then the butterfly will die. And so, that really helps me see a lot of this in a new perspective that a lot of this transformational process is about the struggle of emergence. That's what allows us to be who we are.

Candice Wu 1:06:19
Wow! Beautiful. Thank you so much, Aleta, I really enjoyed this conversation. And I learned a lot and we dug into some really interesting topics. Is there anything else you want to share today?

Aleta Cai 1:06:34
Nothing that comes to mind. I really, really enjoyed this, too, thank you.

Candice Wu 1:06:39
Thank you. So, you have an audience gift for people listening. Is that right?

Aleta Cai 1:06:45
Hmm. I do. I decided to offer 10% off for any of my vanilla healing services. So, these are not my in-person BDSM sessions. But these are ones that are remote and you can book those online through my website at EletaCai.com/booking.

Candice Wu 1:07:03
Excellent. That sounds really exciting for anyone who's interested. Thank you so much.

Aleta Cai 1:07:10
Thank you. It was a pleasure to speak with you today.

Candice Wu 1:07:13
Same with you. Take care.

Aleta Cai 1:07:15
You, too. Bye, Candice.

Candice Wu 1:07:18
Thank you so much for joining us today. I had so much fun with this conversation. And I hope that this has also inspired you or you found parts of yourself within this conversation to identify with and that it inspires you on your continual journey of healing and loving yourself.

Candice Wu 1:07:37
You can find Aleta at her website AletaCai.com, as she had mentioned, it's also going to be linked in the show notes, as well as her Twitter, which is @AletaCai. Be sure to check out her remote healing work as well as mentioned this podcast for that 10% if you're interested, and tune in later this week for an experience that is led and guided by her that you can use to practice and deepen in your own understanding of yourself and transformation.

Candice Wu 1:08:09
I want to thank you all for listening and being with me on this journey of this podcast. It's been about a year since this began. And so this is the Embody Podcast's birthday, I can't remember which day started. I'm not that great with birthdays. But only just a couple of weeks ago, we had Chinese New Year and the seventh day of Chinese New Year is everybody's birthday, which I think is around the day of the podcast's birthday. So, thank you all for being here. Even if you weren't here from the beginning or if you've bounced in and out. It's been a really beautiful journey. And I've loved all the conversations that I've been able to have with different people on the show as well as all of you that are reached out to me, share your experiences. It's just so delightful when I opened my email and I get a note from either someone I know or a perfect stranger that's been listening in and these connections really make this journey a lot of fun and very rewarding. Thank you.

Candice Wu 1:09:20
Before you go, I'd love to invite you to sign up for my bi-monthly newsletter. This will inform you of upcoming retreats with me, workshops, other courses, and classes online, as well as self-love notes. These are tips every couple of weeks that I send out that offer you a way to heal, a tip or a technique that can support you along your journey. If you'd like to sign up you can find it at CandiceWu.com/embody. And with that, we will end this week's podcast. I look forward to seeing you next time on the Embody Podcast.

Candice Wu 0:00
This episode is with guest Harmony Niles, the founder of Kink from the Couch. We explore ritual in relationships, BDSM as a new romance. Her experience as a predominant, acceptance and releasing shame around what may feel unacceptable for oneself, touching into core erotic themes and embodying fantasies, as well as dominance and submission in life and fantasy. This episode contains explicit and sexual content and language and may not be suitable for all audiences or ages. Please use your own discretion.

Candice Wu 0:37
Hello and welcome. You're listening to the Embody Podcast, a show about remembering and embodying your true nature, inner wisdom embodied healing and self-love.

Candice Wu 0:51
My name is Candice Wu and I'm a holistic healing facilitator, intuitive coach, and artists sharing my personal journey of vulnerability, offering meditations and guided healing support and having co Creative Conversations with healers and wellness practitioners from all over the world.

Candice Wu 1:12
Do you wish for better sleep for the holidays? The sound sleep album is on sale through the new year for $11. And this episode is sponsored by that album. It's an album of 11 healing experientials and meditations plus yoga poses and marble points, and a spiritual guide that helps you feel more grounded, restful, easeful in your sleep and embodied throughout the day. It's a stepping stone towards healing trauma, feeling embodied, bringing your nervous system baseline to more relaxation and calm and looking at the deeper aspects of sleep issues. So, your support in ordering the album helps me make more healing albums more content and produce more podcast episodes. This album was a delight to make and I hope you enjoy it. I would be so grateful if you considered offering to a friend who would like better sleep, or someone who wants to feel more embodied in their lives. You can find that at CandiceWu.com/soundsleep.

Candice Wu 2:20
So we have Harmony Niles today on the podcast. I'm so excited to share this episode with you. It was incredibly fun to talk with her. And to talk about a topic that I haven't really talked much about on the podcast specifically is sex and sexuality fantasies, as well as BDSM. All of these are topics of interest to me, and it was great to share that with Harmony. Harmony is the founder of Kink from the Couch. It's a Somatica counseling practice based in San Francisco. And her energy about sexuality, fantasy and exploring erotic themes is incredibly inspiring, beautiful, full of grace, humanity, and compassion. The Somatica method is a really interesting one, it recognizes that we learned primarily through our bodies, which is very similar to somatic experiencing.

Candice Wu 3:29
When using a combination of talk therapy and experiential exercises. Harmony leads her clients to embrace their full sexual selves without shame. And under her guidance, you'll find your own erotic embodiment while developing and negotiating practical BSM skills and other vital practices that can bring healthy kink into your relationship. So, whether you're in San Francisco or far away, she is an excellent resource and counselor to connect with on this topic. And just to share a little bit more about harmonies path to being a sex counselor. It included learning about Tantra, orgasmic meditation, the human potential movement, and NLP. And she was an independent professional dominant for a decade. She developed her DS skills, her dominant-submissive skills at Cleo Duarte Academy of SM Arts and studied Bondage with Midori.

Candice Wu 3:49
So, a beautiful thing about this episode being published today, December 17, 2018, is that it is the international day to end violence against sex workers. So, the sex workers outreach project is an organization that joins sex workers, allies and advocates from around the world in recognizing December 17th, as the day for ending violence against sex workers. And it's a day to come together to remember those that were lost in the year and to renew commitment to the ongoing struggle for empowerment, visibility and the rights for all sex workers. The majority of violence against sex workers is not just violence against sex workers. It's also violence against trans women, against women of color, against drug users and immigrants. And so, their mission speaks to the fact that we cannot end the marginalization and victimization of all sex workers without also fighting transphobia, racism, stigma, and criminalization of drug use and xenophobia.

Candice Wu 4:07
So, during this week, the week of December 17, annually, sex worker communities and social justice organizations, well, stage actions and visuals, and work to raise awareness about violence that's commonly committed against sex workers. You can find more information about this at December17th.org. I'll also connect to that information in the show notes along with the National Sex Worker Hotline in case you are aware of any violence against any of the populations that we just spoke about here, or sex workers in general, that number for the National Sex Worker Hotline is 877776 2004.

Candice Wu 5:56
So, it's with great pleasure that I introduce Harmony to the show today, who has been a sex worker and can speak to her own experience of releasing shame, and supporting others and doing so in embodying their fantasies.

Candice Wu 6:17
I am honored today to have Harmony Niles on the show Harmony is the founder of Kink from the Couch, which is a Somatic counseling and coaching practice in San Francisco. And, I'm so thrilled today to hear how Harmony incorporates helping her clients embrace their full sexual selves and the BDSM and kink experience and knowledge she has in helping people feel into their fantasies in their desires. Hello, Harmony!

Harmony Niles 6:48
Hi Candice, thanks for having me.

Candice Wu 6:50
Oh, it's wonderful to have you. How are you doing?

Harmony Niles 6:54
Things are good. And thank you.

Harmony Niles 6:58
Yeah, I am excited about the work that I'm doing. I love the clients that I have. I'm feeling really blessed. Yeah, things are very good.

Candice Wu 7:08
That's fantastic. I'm really excited to hear about your journey in getting to where you are today and supporting people with their sexual being.

Harmony Niles 7:21
Um, it's been a long and winding road to get to the point that I'm at right now. And I really feel like I have completely embraced my calling, like, this is the work that I was put on this earth to do. So, I feel really lucky that I was able to find this fairy. Well, I'll call it like a clean and clear and inspired, the way of looking at BDSM and the kind of healing that it could offer people.

Candice Wu 7:58
That is so exciting. And how did you know it was? How did you know you found your calling? When you did, was there a moment or a feeling that you had?

Harmony Niles 8:07
Hmmm. Trying to think back when there was an actual moment. There was a moment years ago, over 10 years ago when I was in a like transformational workshop, and I had this feeling of like, I want to be a dominatrix. Like, and I felt so much fear around it, but also switches so much excitement and turn on. Could I do it? Is this possible? Like, could I handle it and then I really started pursuing that, again, with lots of fear and trepidation along every step of the way. As I moved more in that direction, feeling like I was bringing so much into my own personal life that was really good for me, ultimately. I really changed a lot as a person through that journey. And then after doing that for, like, a decade, I thought about how can I keep the things that I really love about this work? And maybe shed some of the things that I feel done with. And what I really loved was listening to my clients' fantasies.

Candice Wu 9:29
Oooh. Wow!

Harmony Niles 9:29
I would listen to their fantasies, and really like to pay attention to all those rich details, all the minutiae of it. And I would feel like I learned so much about them in hearing these stories. And as a dominatrix, then I would figure out the ways to deliver that feeling that they're really wanting that feeling they're looking for, and maybe giving it to them in a way that they weren't expecting, something that was a little surprising.

Candice Wu 10:02
That sounds so, so fun and incredible. I'm kind of in awe about it.

Harmony Niles 10:07
Well, in my current work, I am still listening to people's fantasies, as I mean, that's one of the main things that people come to me to explore. And I'm teaching them how to bring those things into their life, and a healthy and safe way, how to talk to their partners about it in a way that where the partner can really get it can really like get behind, wanting to give them the feeling that they want to have, you know, to talk about it in a way that that really enrolls your partner into saying, Yes, I do want to be part of that.

Candice Wu 10:41
Can you give us an example of what that language or energy sounds and feels like to bring that excitement to a partner or to a romantic interest?

Harmony Niles 10:55
Well, I think the first step is being able to talk about your desire, letting go of some of the shame, because when we have a lot of shame around it, it's like there's a way we get tight. And in that, not attractive, you know, your partner is going to be less likely to want to jump into that scenario. If you're feeling weird and incongruent about it, if you're holding it in a way, in a negative way. And so, yeah, like step one is just giving someone the space where they can talk about their fantasy, or whatever their desire is, even if it's not fully formed yet. Maybe it's not a full story, but just an image that they have or a feeling that they want to feel. And they can talk about that in a way that emphasizes what it gives to them, where someone can really feel like the power that it has done, like how much they want it and hold it in without shame, where they can talk about it without shame, so that everyone is enrolled and doing that.

Candice Wu 12:06
Beautiful. Yeah, it just feels so exciting to hear you talk about how you connect people with that core desire that's underneath it, the feeling that they really want to have. And I can just feel it in my bones and in my body. And in my own experiences where that just feels like so connecting with myself, the deeper aspects of myself and to have that in a sexual experience and to have what you desire. At least for me, I was just talking to another person about this just recently on a podcast is like having what you want is already a big step to even open up to what you desire. And how does that come up for you? And in your practice?

Harmony Niles 13:00
Let me just clarify the question. So, having what you want is a big step towards getting what you desire?

Candice Wu 13:06
Yeah, I think having even the question of what do you desire? What do you fantasize about? And perhaps, of course, it's related to that same piece like to even be allowed or feel the permission to want and to have something that is truly your desire and your creation. I think it's such an empowering and big step. And then you're taking it further to release the shame and then go for it.

Harmony Niles 13:42
Now I agree with you. It can be so empowering to just have someone listen to you in a way that loving and accepting that safe, where you can feel seen in that part of yourself, maybe one that you've always wanted to hide. Now, I think that when we go into relationships, we start off by giving our partner this very, carefully curated version of ourselves. And we put forward the sweet and nice parts. While we know that whole time that there are perhaps darker things underneath, that we're keeping hidden. And when you finally bring that out and like and let your partner love you there, too, you can really have that experience of a feeling seen as a whole person.

Candice Wu 14:34
Wow. Right. I'm just connecting to some of the fantasies that I've had. And when I've connected with them or experienced them, either by myself or with someone, it often brings me to that place of something hidden or a piece of myself that wants healing, even. And I'm curious, you said you have learned so much about yourself over the course of being a dominatrix and working with this with yourself and your clients. What are some of the things that you learned?

Harmony Niles 15:15
As you were talking, I was thinking back to an article I wrote a quite a while ago, but it was about BDSM as the new romance. Because I see romance as a way to especially like romantic gestures, like flowers and candy and a lot of this sweet kind of Valentine's Day things as a way to put a marker like an anchor point here on your feelings for someone to and then offer it up and show it to them. It's like they have something tangible. Now, and kink and BDSM has lots of rituals that do essentially the same thing. It's like putting a marker on your feelings for someone and showing it to them. And maybe, in this case, it's the color around my neck is symbolizing my service to you, or I put on a corset. And as I tighten it, I feel like I'm putting on strength. As I became more aware of this in my practice as a Pro-Dome and a lot of the little rituals I'd create, sometimes even a ritual for different and specific clients. I started to think about how can I have more of these rituals, in my own relationships, in my own private relationships? And I started to create little things for myself and my partners as well.

Harmony Niles 16:41
And then I would really feel, gratified and comforted and loved in those rituals. For example, me and an ex-boyfriend of mine, we had a ritual that how we always said goodbye to each other. Where he would take my hand in his and kiss my palm, you know, it's a very sweet, sweet gesture. It's not necessarily, you know, submissive, per se, it's just meant to show a moment of devotion. And it is hard to be mad at someone when they are doing this sweet gesture of kissing your palm, it was like a good way for us to always be close and in a loving space to reconnect to, you know, that connection between us.

Candice Wu 17:34
That's beautiful.

Harmony Niles 17:35
Yeah. And then I started getting crazy with it. And I created rituals for myself around like, keep my own self-discipline in the morning. Now I do little rituals with my daughter, like, I love the way that it brings us back to this kind of shared intention.

Candice Wu 17:55
I love that it's um, it's like the practice of minding yourself, the connection that you have with someone or with yourself, and what you want to be experiencing, and cultivating that. And I just imagine this picture of like dipping a cloth and to dye over and over. And it just becomes richer and richer.

Harmony Niles 18:17
That's a beautiful image.

Candice Wu 18:19
I'm curious about your experiences as a dominatrix. And did you? What did you find for yourself? Was this empowering for you? Was it healing? Did you find challenges with it? What was that like for you?

Harmony Niles 18:35
I'm going to say yes, yes and yes, it was definitely, it was definitely empowering, is definitely challenging. In fact, it's crazy to think that even after having years of experience, I would still feel so much fear and nervousness, like right before doing a scene, especially if it was something, you know, complicated or challenging. And it was a good practice for me to feel that fear and walk into it anyway. You know, step forward anyway. But one of the things that is challenging about this type of play, is that you really need to be present and paying attention in every moment so that you can really feel the connection between yourself and your partner. And know when the moment the energy starts to go away. You don't want it to, to know right away. If it's not, to not get stuck into any rut, but to always be paying attention, which is great practice for life.

Candice Wu 19:51
Right! I was just thinking that the amount of presence and attunement, and sensing in, that is called for in that interaction.

Harmony Niles 20:07
I wrote an article recently that I called what to do when you don't know what to do.

Harmony Niles 20:13
And I think what's inspired me to think about this topic is I realized, back when I was practicing dominance professionally, one of my greatest fears was what happens when I get to that moment where I don't know what to do. And now the like, one of the biggest questions I get from clients is, you know, what happens when I don't know what to do next? Or, you know, or are my skills are good enough to do this next, you know, it's like, everyone seems to be wanting to wait until they have all of the skills and all of the confidence. But if you wait for the day that comes, I mean, that's a mythical day, but that's never going to come up you like you're never gonna feel perfectly confident, and I'm like, you have all these skills from everything. Of course, it's great to, you know, invest in working on those things. And that's a lot of what I help clients do now is help them work on their confidence, teach them skills, but also I want to teach them and acceptance for the fact that there's going to be times when you don't know what to do yet next. And I've given a lot of like, practical tips around. Okay, that moment of what we'll call it, existential uncertainty has arisen. And so, what are some of the things that you can do next? What can you try? What kind of techniques can you pull out?

Candice Wu 21:39
So, the matter of exploring, exploring the different possibilities that can arise from that moment?

Harmony Niles 21:48
Yeah. In many of those moments, I think, like, I think those moments can be a real gift. So, the first thing is I tell people to do is, “Don't be afraid to go slow”. And take that moment, you know, to feel the sweetness, and the poignancy of that kind of low and the action, because energy can't just go up, up forever. There need to be periods of falling energy, or you're relaxing and savoring, you're getting ready for what the next peak would be.

Candice Wu 22:23
Those seem like really very sweet moments, if you can, tender moments if you can sink into them and surrender there.

Harmony Niles 22:30
Yeah, what I would usually do is I would stand close to my partner, maybe I put my hand on his chest, lock eyes with him, and just take a moment to breathe. And in those moments, I would start to feel more of what he's feeling. And then it's like magically inspiration with usually come, right? Right in those moments, inspiration would come about what to do next.

Candice Wu 22:58
It's like slowing down and just tuning in and letting something arrive, arrive there. That's it's a lovely reminder. And before our conversation right now, I was sharing with you how I've been horseback riding and playing with this dominance with a horse and how much is the right amount? And what is the collaboration here? And I think I could very well use this, these ideas here praying about what to do, and you don't know what to do, because there are so many times. I don't know what to do and I'm meant to be somewhat in charge in these moments. But you also work with people on how to step into their dominant self?

Harmony Niles 23:48
Yes.

Candice Wu 23:49
And what does that mean, for you or for your clients? And for people asking?

Harmony Niles 23:58
I'm glad that you asked that because people have a lot of different ideas about what it means to be dominant. So, I have a conversation with my clients about like, what is it going to mean for them? How will they know when they are? Look, like if they are being what they think of as dominant? What's that going to look like over here? Like, what am I going to feel in, in relation to that? So I try to give people the opportunity to talk about that and then to practice it, what is it going to be like for you to show up with your dominant self with me right now? You know, how would you talk? How would you move? If we do this exercise together, like, what are the things you're going to do with it, etc, etc. Like, give them the opportunity to practice those things, because it is actually really hard. Some clients have an idea that they want to talk in a certain way, but until you start literally practicing, and like getting the words out of your mouth, there's just a learning curve there. Right? I always had a lot of trouble talking dirty, I would feel silly, I would feel self-conscious. You know, I would be resistant and not wanting to do it because I just felt like I don't sound good. But you know what, now I can do it really well. It's because I've practiced.

Candice Wu 25:32
Yeah, there's such a difference between just talking about what you think you want to do, what you're going to do, and actually practicing it and using your voice and using your movement. That's really exciting.

Harmony Niles 25:47
I think the words dominant can also have certain like meanings and connotations for people. Generally, in my practice, I try to just talk about it from, are you going to take a position of control or you going to take a position of surrender. Just to give people more of a sense of like, the flexibility there, you might start off in a position and control and end in a position of surrender, you might be passing control back and forth, like within the context of a certain scene, a certain night, or your relationship in general. That dominant doesn't have to be like, some rigid category that you're either in or you're not, but something that you play with.

Candice Wu 26:34
Yeah, that sounds a lot more like daily life. And just how can you bring in those different parts of you to interact at different times? And what's needed and what's desired?

Harmony Niles 26:50
Yeah, and this goes back to you and your horse to it's like, what piece of bringing your dominant self or show of force and an interaction is the right thing for that moment? And what might be the right thing for that moment is actually more softness.

Candice Wu 27:13
Yeah, I think so. And what you were saying earlier about paying very close attention, it was in a moment that I wasn't paying close attention, that something kind of went haywire. And just bringing that amount of attention and attunement to the horse, I think it's going to do a great deal to note to figure out what to do or to receive some more information. So, I'm also curious, Harmony, about the shadow aspects of the work and the experiences that you have with yourself and with people. I guess I'm curious about what you find in terms of BDSM, or kink or different scenes and fantasies. What is the healing aspect? What are the shadow aspects that come up? You know, these are very broad questions, but what do you see as interesting about this right now.

Harmony Niles 28:15
Let's say, I think that to be able to bring out some part of yourself that you've really kept under wraps, all of our shadow stuff comes out eventually, at some point, right? It's going to come out and some like moment, when you're really triggered, or you're not feeling who control when you're not able to, like keep that under wraps. And then it might come out in some like, icky way that you're that you don't want. So, by creating a safe space, where you can bring that part of yourself out to play, in a way that feels good to you, in a way that's like healthy and safe for everyone involved. I think it's going to make that thing like less loud in the rest of your life. Do you get what I'm saying? Like maybe, if what you really are trying to keep down and stifle is, you know, this angry part of yourself or this cold part of yourself, or this really harsh or domineering or aggressive part of yourself. And you give that space to come out in a nice, like safe container, then it's going to be less loud in the rest of your life. So, maybe you'll find yourself, like better with your co-workers, more patient with your children nicer to your pets, because you've gotten to express these parts of yourself in other ways, and been able to feel like fulfilled and seeing their you know, that angry part of myself as okay, too.

Candice Wu 29:52
Yeah, absolutely. And I think as you're saying that, it's reminding me of the power of creating that safe container, within a relationship that allows that sort of play to come through and witnessing of, of these, either more painful parts of us or parts we do keep hidden. And within that container of the relationship, it feels like a play. It feels like we're gonna entertain and not entertain, but we're going to bear witness to all these different parts of ourselves. I guess the words that are coming to me are be okay with them, not just be okay, but honor them.

Harmony Niles 30:39
Yes, I think for me, one of the things that I really got from this type of work is that I was able to create a space where I had complete control. Where everything that's happening is because I'm choosing it, you know, I'm like completely calling the shots. And that's not something that I had experienced much have in my life.

Harmony Niles 31:04
And so, I found myself, like, trying to control things, but not really being able to and being frustrated about that and feeling powerless or so, when I went into this work and became a dominatrix. Just the idea that I can have it exactly as I want it was so comforting and just good for me. I felt less desiring to control everything else in my life because I had an area where I could be in control. And so it let me relax in some other areas. The irony, of course, was like when you're, when you are in a scene, it's like you might have this fantasy that you're in total control, but of course, you're not you're very much needing to, you need to surrender to the moment that's happening. And so it is helped get me beyond that need for control, in general, is like I started to see the falseness of it. The, yeah, just like the uselessness of it. You know, here I am in this, like in this scene where I've completely controlled everything. But you're still surrendered to the moment, you know, and all my trappings of control are just trapping.

Candice Wu 32:26
It feels like all an illusion.

Harmony Niles 32:28
Yeah. And you start to see the illusion of that. And then my desire to have everything perfect, you know, like my ducks always in a row. I started to relax around that.

Candice Wu 32:38
Uh huh. Yeah, I can imagine that.

Harmony Niles 32:41
I know, like, I realized, you know, it's not that meaningful, anyway.

Candice Wu 32:45
And it's fascinating, I'm often more in a submissive role. And I think that I desire that because of the amount of at least perceived control that I feel like I have in my life. And I think I take a lot of initiative, and I'm very proactive in a lot of ways, and letting things be letting myself surrender to the moment and not be in that control, letting things arrive and be experienced. It's such a nice balance, as you said, as well for you. So I can relate very much to that.

Harmony Niles 33:25
Mm-hmm.

Candice Wu 33:28
So, what feels alive to you lately? Any themes or personal or client themes?

Harmony Niles 33:37
Okay, like, problems that I've been working on.

Candice Wu 33:42
Sure? Yeah, love to hear about that.

Harmony Niles 33:45
Ah, well, in the current me to climb it, many of my clients are asking about consent. And I have also been thinking about consent, in my own life, my relationship with it, you know, from the time that I was young, until now, and how that's changed, you know, what advice to give to people who, you know, want to do the right thing, and also want to go for their desires as well.

Harmony Niles 34:18
It's been really interesting to be thinking about into exploring it. And I have come up with some good exercises around like exploring consent. And I'm, the exercises that I'm trying to do is around getting consent non verbally, and checking in through the course of an interaction to, to just be sure that your partner is still with you, you know, that they're still a yes, that they're still like, engaged in what's going on. And that's tough to do on both, for both sides of the equation, or for both partners, right? Because we always have moments of where we're maybe dropping out of being completely present. We've gone into our heads for a second and we start to fantasize about something else. So, a way to keep your, to draw yourself back, be present, reconnect to your partner, and ensure that you have consent going ahead, that they're still into it, that they're still with you. And I've been thinking of like how to do that in in a way that feels seamless? How to do it in a way that isn't, let's stop and talk about it. Can I touch you here now? You know, because that's not hot.

Harmony Niles 35:38
And as much as it can be, this is a climate where we need to ask for permission for what we want to do. I do know that often when, when players are asked, it's like, oh, well, I did want it until you asked me. That can throw you back into a more resistant place. So yes, I've been working on different exercises to teach people like how to pay attention to their partners' body so that they know when they're when they're reaching a boundary, when there may be crossing a boundary, or when like any kind of resistance in their partner is coming up. So, that can be addressed in a way that's, you're still sexy, subtle enough, but clear, also.

Candice Wu 36:29
Yeah, I'm thinking about this movie, I can't remember what it's called. But it was like a teenage couple and the guy kept saying, “Do I have your permission to, do I have your permission to kiss you to have your permission to X, Y, and Z?”. And he had to, he was asking me on every single thing. And I love this idea of nonverbal communication and being seamless about it being so in tune with each other. And I'm imagining that's having a lot to do with eye contact and breath and body tension versus openness, what are some of the things that you teach people to send into and look out for?

Harmony Niles 37:14
On this topic, I'm so happy that I can do really experiential work, you know, one on one with people because it does look different, for different players and for what you're doing. That's why I'm having trouble even like describing it right now. Because it's something that is hard to put into words. And this might be a situation where I would practice with a client, like, if I am having him touch me in a particular way, and then he starts to get to an area that where I feel nervous about, or that's a boundary, for now, you know, where he can feel how my body reacts. You know, how my breathing might change? How just how, like the energy changes to, and he can pick up on it right away. And then maybe in some cases, revisit that boundary, because that was my boundary, you know, 10 minutes ago, as the play goes on boundaries can shift. And I think that you, I do want it to teach people to go up against the boundary, to not push too hard. But don't be afraid to go there either.

Candice Wu 38:22
Sounds like a really juicy spot.

Harmony Niles 38:25
It is that kind of that point of resilience.

Candice Wu 38:31
There's something about going right to the edge of the experience and the boundary that feels exciting feels like yes, no. Yes. Something new to learn there, perhaps.

Harmony Niles 38:45
And I think that's what we all want. Like we want to go right up against our boundaries and ultimately work in a really respect the partner who can take us there. And it takes a little bit of bravery, but also a whole lot of pain, attention, and sensitivity. So that you're you're going to the edge and you're not going over it.

Candice Wu 39:10
Absolutely, yeah. And as you do this work, the Somatica work with your clients, what are some of the more practical coming questions you're getting? I know you mentioned that to me before some common questions that people are just wanting to know about.

Harmony Niles 39:28
I talk a lot about negotiation skills. And I often will get questions about that. And I've written a couple of articles about negotiation, too.

Candice Wu 39:40
We can link those in the show notes.

Harmony Niles 39:41
Oh, sure.

Candice Wu 39:42
Okay, great.

Harmony Niles 39:45
And some of the questions that I get might be like, very, very practical, like a woman who wants to give her partner the experience of being really manhandled and dominated, either, though, you know, she is a lot smaller than he is, and that she's very petite. So, what kind of techniques can be used to give her her sense that feeling of feeling big, you know, a feeling strong hair, and that can also give him the experience of feeling like helpless under her touch. And is there are like practical things that you can do with the setting with your costume with like, you know, putting some good rope handles on him that makes it easier for you to move them around. Now, so I will, when appropriate, like bust out the rope and teach someone, this harness could work really good in this situation. And this might help you feel the thing that you want to feel, or feel the thing that he wants to feel. So I can be very practical, like around those type of tips and advice.

Harmony Niles 40:58
And I like to talk about things on a higher level, too. Like, if you want to feel that strength and dominance, what can you do in preparation for a scene, to help give yourself that feeling. I like to do archetype work when appropriate. And I do you like to have a conversation with clients about play archetypes and what working with an archetype, identifying an archetype can help them with. And one of those things is knowing what to do when you don't know what to do, because you can ask yourself, well, what would my archetype do here? If there is a toy or an article clothing that really speaks to that archetype for you, you could pick up that toy and feel like how am I archetype use this now? How would my archetype talk? Or maybe how would my archetype tease and then can give you some ideas about like, about what you want to do next, or what direction to go in. And it can help you feel that dominant power, that feeling that you might be looking for.

Candice Wu 42:11
I love that. Tuning into that, to the energy of the archetype that can just open up all the ways of being that come with it.

Harmony Niles 42:21
One of the things that I've liked about using archetypes in my own scenes, is that I never think of it as acting, but it is allowing me to bring out this part of myself, you know, and when I asked myself, “What would this archetype do?”, and I start doing that thing, I can find myself really like falling into it really easily to becoming that image. And it feels very authentic, it feels true to me. And that's one of the things I love, you know, it does, it doesn't feel like I'm forcing it. It doesn't feel like it acting, so, it's like I'm just opening that door and letting that part come out.

Candice Wu 43:05
That's such an interesting line or edge that you're talking about this experience of being authentic, yet embodying archetypal energy or some part of yourself. And where the line between that authenticity is, and the acting, or the not feel, not feeling like it's you or forcing it. I'm not sure if what the words would be here.

Harmony Niles 43:33
I do know what you mean, now that because and that feeling of forcing it, that's not the feeling you want to have, I guess it's like, it's really hard for things to flow. When, when you feel like your efforting, you want to embrace it authentically so that feels effortless. We're just flowing out of you.

Candice Wu 43:54
Yeah, it feels almost like it's a flattening disconnecting experience to be in that acting place.

Harmony Niles 44:02
Yeah.

Candice Wu 44:03
Where can it come from within?

Harmony Niles 44:06
Yeah. And that being said, it's like I'm saying, I want it to be effortless. But you know what, you might have to practice a little bit and put a lot of effort and you put a little effort in, in practice time or in your own downtime, or in session with me. And then, in the moment, it can feel more effortless?

Candice Wu 44:25
Yeah, that's a great reminder of that practice, because at first, it might feel completely uncomfortable.

Harmony Niles 44:33
Yeah. And that's good. That means you're coming up to your own edges, and you're expanding yourself. That's what we all want.

Candice Wu 44:40
Yeah. So in the work of some Somatica, I think, I'm not sure how the people listening, how much familiarity they'll have. So, wondered if you could share a bit more about the way that touches incorporated.

Harmony Niles 44:57
I'd say in a typical session, well, maybe I shouldn't talk about a typical session, because they all can be very different. But we might start out with talking, checking in, feeling into the issues that are rising for someone on that particular day or that week. And as someone talks to me about like, what's going on for them, my mind will start to turn on, what's the experience that would help them here.

Harmony Niles 45:33
And then I'll start to think of an exercise or something experiential we can do, that will help illustrate where it's going to give them the experience that I think is what they need next. Well, some of these experiences might not include touch, because the experience of talking to someone of like sharing your desire, especially if it's something that you have shame around, and feeling that stuff you're being listened to, and supported and completely seen, that's an experience, too. But many of the exercises that I like to do, do involve touch, and maybe sometimes some, you know, rough touch, if that's the direction that the client needs to go in, and if that's what they need to feel, and I'm lucky that I've had, you know, as much experience in the BDSM and as I have, because I can say, what feels good to me, and give adjustments about like, what would make it feel better. You know, it like if someone is, for example, someone is grabbing my hair by the back of my neck, you know, there's a way that that can feel off and painful, there's a way where it can feel actually really kind of good, comforting, like you're being held. Now, like picking a kitten up by the scruff of their neck. And so if we practice that, I can give the adjustments of like, oh, now, you need to be a little lower, or you need to be a little stronger. And then feel what it feels like after he's made that adjustment. And can you tell the difference now, that my body is responding a little differently, and notice that?

Candice Wu 47:17
Hmm. How fun!

Harmony Niles 47:19
You know, it is really fun. I feel very lucky.

Candice Wu 47:23
So fun. It's like, making me interested in going into that realm of work. I mean, I do, I do work with clients, as far as their fantasies, and some BDSM and kink in stepping into what they would like for themselves or embodying the core feelings they want to have around their experiences. But I haven't delved into, I think what Somatic brings a lot, which is the interactive touch that you can do with a client. And that's not something I've delved into. But here you talk about it, it just sounds so exciting!

Harmony Niles 48:02
I feel like I've gotten a lot from it, too, like, I've gotten very clear on my own boundaries and, and being a yes when I'm a yes. And I no when I'm a no, in a way that's clear and clean and non-blaming, where I'm not like putting something on someone else. And that's just helped me in every area of my life, especially my dating life.

Candice Wu 48:32
Oh, wow. Yeah, a lot of congruence with your inner self and showing up outward and responsibility. It sounds like. So, you have an audience gift? To all the listeners, I'm understanding your core erotic themes? Would you tell us about that?

Harmony Niles 48:53
Yes, well, really, it's more of a gift for me, and a gift for her.

Harmony Niles 48:58
Because what I'm offering is to have a structured conversation around exploring your core erotic things. And in this, I would want to hear about my clients' fantasy, or maybe a few fantasies, preferably even something that they've held for a long time, something long cherished, maybe that they remember from when they were young, something that's kind of a reliable turn on for them. And once we talk about that, then I'd love to be able to give them some insight into how they might create this in their lives, how they might talk about it with a partner, and what are some of the things that maybe they haven't seen it yet, that's part of their turn on? Because often there are details that we don't notice right away. That we might need, like an outside person to point out to us. Where we, we see like, Oh, that's a piece of it that I didn't actually realize was there. But it showed up in a couple of these different scenarios.

Candice Wu 50:09
Oh, that's so fun. Right, I can see where I might not be aware of some piece that's actually the piece that's bringing the excitement or the feeling.

Harmony Niles 50:19
Yeah.

Candice Wu 50:20
That's very interesting, right?

Harmony Niles 50:22
Yes. Well, I would love to be a person.

Candice Wu 50:27
You know, what were you gonna say?

Harmony Niles 50:29
I was, I was going to give an example.

Candice Wu 50:32
Oh, say that!

Harmony Niles 50:33
It is a conversation I had with a friend not too long ago, but he was telling me about a fantasy and then about one of his, like, hottest sexual experiences. And I noticed that in each of these things, are these stories, these scenarios, there was a third party disapproving, like, outside of the room or outside of the relationship. And I just pointed that out to him. And he was like, had so much surprise. He's like, Oh, my God. Yes. I didn't ever thought of that before. You know, so, it gave him something to think about like, what this like, third party disapproval? How much that is tied into his feeling of like transgression and hotness. And this is like, so exciting. Partly because it's pissing off someone else. And that's okay. Right? You know, like things like, guilt or anger or going against the rules, like, these are aphrodisiacs for a lot of people and there are sometimes ones that we don't recognize.

Candice Wu 51:45
That's great. Yeah, it is just painting such a picture of how we can accept so many parts of ourselves that maybe in daily social life, society that we don't bring out or see as, um, I don't know, socially palatable or desirable. But in this context, to be able to bring them to life, and feel that permission, to experience them. That's so powerful. Oh, thank you so much Harmony, is there anything else you'd like to share today with, with who's listening?

Harmony Niles 52:30
Here's something I realized and exploring some of my own fantasies, now I did this in a workshop that I was in, like, super long time ago, 10 years ago. And the assignment was I needed to write out three fantasies, and then bring them to class the next week, and share them with a partner. And the teacher just wanted us to have the experience of being honest and vulnerable. So, I got super into it. I wrote out these three fantasies. I was really excited about how different they were, I thought that I'm showing so much range here. And, and I wrote them really, really well. So, I was excited about the fantasies that I brought in. And then it was like, right before I needed to read them to a partner, and I'm looking over them. And I realized, wait a second, all three of them are cocksucking fantasies. You know, I thought they were so different.

Harmony Niles 53:40
Actually, literally about the same activity. But it was a very different flavors of that, you know, like, and one of them I was very dominant and another submissive, the other one was just kind of funny and wacky.

Harmony Niles 53:56
And I was a little bit like, not happy at first about this realization, it didn't feel feminist enough of me to have, all my fantasies be about cocksucking, you know, where they mostly culminate in someone else's orgasm and not my own. That didn't jive well with my feeling of, my desire around, my own empowerment around my feelings as a feminist. And so, I was like, what the hell, what's going on with me? For a little while, and I did a lot of, questioning around that, too. So it was really useful work for me to do. And I started to relate some of the feelings that I get from that activity to some of my own childhood experiences.

Harmony Niles 54:50
You know, apparently, I just like it, I have a cock fetish. And there's, also a way in which, to be a little bit ignored, or to be the tool for someone else's pleasure is really hot for me. And that does very much connected to, my experiences in childhood and feeling, ignored as a child, or, I needed to fight for approval, that I constantly needed to prove myself. And so in fact, I was often trying to prove myself trying to, prove how strong I am or how much I can take, wanting approval, but not wanting that approval to be easy. Like, I need to struggle around it.

Candice Wu 55:37
Right? It's funny because I'm hearing you put words to your experience, and I can completely, it's almost like I'm saying those words ago. I think we're, I can really relate to you on that same those themes. And that experience. And the other thing I was thinking was you shared that you weren't quite happy with. Noticing this part of yourself that seemed to go against the grain of girl feminists self, is how much we can judge our fantasies or make meaning of them. And I think they're embedded with meaning, but the meaning of just having that fantasy, and how it can rub against another part of you.

Harmony Niles 56:26
Exactly. And one of the things I like to talk to clients about is that when I see that they have some kind of something like that some activity coded to mean a certain thing. It's just a question that reality, like, does that really mean that, you know, does it mean that in some circumstances, but not others, you know, it just trying to bring a little bit more flexibility there. And especially this idea around like to be submissive or of service is a weakness is totally false. If for me, I was actually looking for a feeling of strength, that I'm the one who's strong enough to do this, you know, to provide this, to take this, whatever it is to be taken. And I think that many players who like to play the submissive side of the equation are looking for similar feelings. It's more about proving that they're strong than feeling weak or just feeling the tension between those two things.

Candice Wu 57:31
And that makes a lot of sense and connects me back with some of my own desires. With that, I think, feeling my own strength, feeling that I can, I can take it and also, can't quite put words at the moment, but I hear myself just repeating the words you said. But um, there's something about reclaiming. Maybe not reclaiming. But being in the strength and resilience that was there in me, all those years growing up, that I got ignored, and perhaps was used in a lot of ways emotionally or interactively, and to really step into the other side of that of feeling the strength and feeling that I did it and I can do it is extremely empowering.

Harmony Niles 58:32
I agree. For me now, in my sex and dating now. So, I know that this is a feeling that I like, that feeling of having to struggle, that feeling of needing to, like, prove myself or fight for attention. And I can bring just more consciousness to having that in a way that works, rather than a way that's going to be bad for the relationship or destroy the relationship.

Candice Wu 59:05
Oh, and what is, what do you mean by that, like, what works and what doesn't?

Harmony Niles 59:10
It might be like, I had a date with someone recently, where I took the movie over to his place, this foot fetish film that I was in a long time ago. He projected onto the wall, and I sucked his cock while he was watching it. And I felt like that was really hot for me. But it's that feeling of being the star that's on the screen, but also performing this service where I'm kind of being ignored, because he's watching the screen, there was just something about like, the different threads, and that that was a real turn on for me at the time. And I could create something to have that experience with him, which means I'm not like, kind of getting him to ignore me in other ways, which I think I haven't done before with other partners, you know, like, I've been not very accepting of attention when I get it. And so, that, you know, teaches people not to give me much attention, which then is you know, pleasurable and painful at the same time.

Candice Wu 1:00:18
Right.

Harmony Niles 1:00:19
So, now I'm trying to create those experiences and just more purely pleasurable ways.

Candice Wu 1:00:24
I get what you mean, I think I'm getting what you mean. Where it kind of comes out sideways, in the dynamic of the relationship in an unpleasant way, or maybe destructive way. Whereas it could be extremely pleasurable and fun, is that what you mean, to create it more intentionally?

Harmony Niles 1:00:43
It is. It's about like if I know the experience that I want to have, like an even be more accepting of what I might judges the negative aspects of that experience, like a desire to be ignored? How can I make that in a way that's going to be more fun, and be more contained, you know, like, so that's the this is the moment to have that experience. And then I don't have to be feeling it the rest of the time. You know, if I, if I really like to feel used, you know, I don't really want to feel used all the time.

Candice Wu 1:01:22
Right.

Harmony Niles 1:01:24
But I do want to feel us, so I can set it up in a way that's going to feel good to me.

Candice Wu 1:01:29
And it feels like the difference between it being a state of being in the dynamic versus that more isolated, set experiences.

Harmony Niles 1:01:41
And it's been separated from like, my sense of identity. Like if I'm being used, it's not because that's all I am, or that's all I'm good for or these other things that I might have it mean, it's because it's an experience, I'm just choosing to have in this container.

Candice Wu 1:02:00
And what I'm getting as well, or just what I'm thinking about, as we're talking about this is the amount of ownership and responsibility that goes into even saying that I want to be ignored, I like to feel ignored. And it turns me on. And that transition of resisting some of the pain and experiences that live in us. And not like not owning them not wanting to feel them at all, which I think is also you know, part of having boundaries and part of what we might need to and want to experience but where it turns over into, well, what if I do want that?

Harmony Niles 1:02:44
Yeah.

Candice Wu 1:02:46
And what if it is pleasurable in some way.

Harmony Niles 1:02:49
Another thing I've been thinking about in this topic is how, how there's this pleasure in that the poignancy of that kind of pain, that for you to take on an experience, like feeling ignored, you know, it is a turn on, and there's a pleasure there. And there's a little bit of like a, you know, like, it's like, it hurts so good. Now, feeling and letting that be okay, you know, it does. I don't think life is about, you know, being happy, happy, joy, joy all the time. It's, it's more about feeling like how pleasure and pain can be deeply intertwined. And that there's a real like, poignancy to the human experience, no, and suffering as part of that.

Candice Wu 1:03:45
Absolutely feels like the fullness, and the dimension of the pleasure and pain being together.

Harmony Niles 1:03:52
Some of the moments I've felt the most alive have been in BDSM contacts where I'm going through extreme pain. And, like, the just the feeling of intensity, the feeling of aliveness. It's like a pleasure that's better than pleasure. You know, it's like an orgasm beyond bodies.

Candice Wu 1:04:16
I can feel that as you're saying, and I can relate to it. And the thing I'm thinking now is when was the last time I checked in with my fantasies? And it feels, it feels almost like, such a healthy thing to do, and a very connecting thing to do for me. Where right now I'm thinking, I feel quite disconnected at the moment from those parts of me. And yes, I've been tuning into more of like life fantasies, like what do I really want for my life? And what do I want to spend my time doing? And to connect back with. What are my sexual fantasies? It's like, it feels so essential at the moment, and yet, it's been some time to revisit them.

Harmony Niles 1:05:11
Yeah. You know, I honestly think it's one of those things that practice helps with too. Yeah.

Candice Wu 1:05:18
So, I think we do have a ritual.

Harmony Niles 1:05:23
I should. I'm going to go out and make one.

Candice Wu 1:05:27
Okay, great.

Harmony Niles 1:05:27
Yeah. A lot of people who say that they don't fantasize, do frequently, but it might be such a fleeting thoughts, you know, like the image that just kind of flips through your mind and is lost those, those dreams that we have in that space of being half awake, half asleep or over, you're not really paying attention. But your fantasies are there. So, the practice can just be like, bringing more attention, you know, when an image does arise, like, Oh, look at that! If I flushed that out more, what would that look like?

Candice Wu 1:06:05
That's great, that's really helpful.

Harmony Niles 1:06:06
Or you can even sit down daily and write something like, ooh, what would I want right now? If there was no shame, and nothing to hide? If I could have anything? Why would I want?

Candice Wu 1:06:21
Oh, that's great. I'm going to do that very soon.

Candice Wu 1:06:27
Well, thank you so much, Harmony! I've learned a lot about you and about what you're sharing. It's been really fun to dive into this with you and hear your stories as well. Where can people find you if they're interested in your work?

Harmony Niles 1:06:42
I would love for them to check out my website, kinkfromthecouch.com, and there's a contact form there. If they'd like to reach out to me, I'd be happy to have a 20-minute call, with anyone who's interested in exploring this type of work, maybe has more questions about it, or wants to know what I can be able to offer them. Then we can talk about that.

Candice Wu 1:07:07
Fabulous. Thank you. It's been such a pleasure.

Harmony Niles 1:07:11
Thanks for having me on.

Candice Wu 1:07:16
Thank you so much, Harmony, for being on the show with us today. And for all of you out there that are listening in getting curious with us and exploring your own sexual experience. I found it very exposing and vulnerable to share certain things on the show here today, even though I didn't share all that much. But to have Harmony on this show with her specific set of experiences and her comfort level was incredibly fun and offer the space of safety that I could even share some things here. It really speaks to the level of shame in our society that talking about our sexuality is such an important aspect of who we are, is so shameful sometimes or taboo or can bring shame. We're just having to release lots of layers of that shame in life now. It's like the most creative aspect of our lives. And here we are keeping that under wraps and feeling scared to share about them when we all have some aspect of our sexuality even if it's being a sexual to speak to about our experience. It's very normal.

Candice Wu 1:08:26
So, thanks for listening. I would love to hear your experiences, your thoughts, curiosities, and feel free to reach out to Harmony with exploring your core erotic themes. And you're more than welcome to reach out to me to share your experiences to gain further support or develop in your embodiment or to work with any trauma around sexuality, sexual experiences, your body. If this was fun for you, be sure to tune into the visualization experience that Harmony offers. It's about getting to the heart of your hottest sexual fantasy, where you'll dive into your hottest sexual fantasy, whether it's kinky or not. And Harmony will walk you through a Somatic a practice of embodying this fantasy that specific to you and zeroing in on the core erotic themes that really turned you on.

Candice Wu 1:09:18
Lookout for that later this week as it comes out on the podcast. And just to process this all, experiences like visualizing your hottest sexual fantasy don't always bring the inspiration or excitement and fun that we hope it to or that perhaps we'd like it to. I recognize it also can bring fear, anxiety, shame. It can trigger trauma or other experiences that have not been good around sexuality or the body. And that's why it's really important and helpful to have support. So, if that pertains to you, don't hesitate to reach out to Harmony or to me and we are connected with a whole network of health practitioners and embodiment coaches, therapists that can support with any of those experiences.

Candice Wu 1:10:10
So, as we close today, I wish you all have pleasure in your lives. If you'd like to stay connected to me, feel free to sign up for the bi-monthly newsletter that goes out with podcasts and self-love and healing tips as well as dream work courses and retreats, and other information of upcoming events. You can find that at CandiceWu.com/embody. And if you're on Facebook, you can join the Embody Community which is a place to have a community around healing and self-love. And I offer five to 10-minute videos from wherever I'm traveling or located at the moment to support embodiment. It was wonderful to be here with you today and to have Harmony on the show. Thanks so much and we'll see you next time on the Embody Podcast.

Candice Wu 0:00

Welcome to the Embody Podcast. Today, we have Harmony Niles on the show to share with you a visualization around the heart of your hottest sexual fantasy. This episode contains explicit and sexual language and may not be appropriate for all audiences or ages. So, please use your own discretion.

Hello, and welcome. You’re listening to the embody podcast, a show about remembering and embodying your true nature, inner wisdom, embodied healing and self-love.

My name is Candice Wu, and I’m a holistic healing facilitator, intuitive coach, and artist, sharing my personal journey of vulnerability, offering meditations and guided healing support, and having co-creative conversations with healers and wellness practitioners from all over the world.

Harmony and I had a fabulous conversation around dominance and submission, sexual fantasies, embodiment, the #MeToo movement, boundaries, and consent. You can find all of that on CandiceWu.com/harmony. So, find a place for yourself where you can tune in to this somatica practice of embodying your hottest sexual fantasy and connecting in on the core erotic feelings and experiences that truly turn you on. Here’s Harmony.

Harmony Niles 1:28

Hi, this is Harmony Niles with Kink from the Couch. I am a somatica practitioner in San Francisco. When you decide that you want to create your hottest possible sex life, your first step will be towards understanding what is truly hot for you, and you in particular. What is hot for you and all of the details? And underneath details, what is the emotional core there? What is the feeling that you truly want to feel? I’m going to walk you through a visualization exercise that will help you get down into the heart of your fantasies.

Now, I am taking this exercise straight from the somatica playbook. If you want to get live support in doing it, you could go to the Somatic Institute website and find a practitioner in your area. We all know this one, it is really core.

Put yourself into a comfortable position. Take a nice deep breath in, and as you let it out, just start to notice your body. How do you feel right now? Take another nice deep breath into your chest, and as you let it out, feel that going down into your stomach, down into your pelvis. One more breath in, and as you breathe out, feeling yourself getting heavier in your chair, sending your breath all the way down to your pussy or to your cock.

As you’re starting to really feel your body, I invite you to bring up a memory or a fantasy. Maybe it’s one of the hottest sexual experiences you’ve ever had, maybe it’s something you’ve always dreamed about having. Imagine something that you’ve had for a while maybe a memory that you cherish or a fantasy that’s always really worked for you, something that you find particularly arousing, reliably arousing. And as you’re starting to imagine this fantasy or remembering this experience, put your whole body and into it. Let it fill you up. Build the scene with as many details as possible. Where are you? Who is there with you? What does the environment look like? How does it smell? What are you wearing or not wearing? Who are the other players in this scene? What are they wearing? What do they look like? What is your relationship with those people? What are you all doing? Let yourself focus on this scene and zero into the thing that really turns you on about it, maybe you’re participating, maybe you’re just watching.

As you are seeing and experiencing the scene with as many details as possible, start to notice the feeling that you have. What really matters to you right now? Take a moment to notice that feeling that you’re feeling and give it a word, a name in your head. Make a little mental note. Now, it may be hard to pinpoint and that’s totally okay. I’m going to say some emotion words, and when you hear one that particularly resonates with you, just make a mental note of it, because maybe there are a few feelings going on, maybe those feelings are actually conflicting with each other in this moment, and that’s totally okay.

Maybe you feel loved, decorated, processed, beautiful, connected, cared for, alive, creative, pushed, received, dominant, collaborative, submissive, adored, worshiped, used, naughty, afraid, penetrated, adventuresome, ravished, seen, dissolved, impressive, united, spiritual, trusted, punished, capable, probed, exposed, out of control, open, accepted, powerful, free, not responsible, transcendent, appreciated, in control, generous, celebrated, violated.

Let yourself feel that feeling right now. Spread it through your body, even go back to the fantasy or the memory, and see what about it makes you feel that feeling, is it something in the actions, the environment, the relationship, as you build a good image and idea of what that feels like. Take another nice deep breath and come back to the room.

Congratulations on taking the first step towards understanding your core erotic themes. I hope you found it enlightening. The next step is to have a conversation about it. Go to my website at kinkfromthecouch.com and fill out the contact form. I will schedule a free call with you where I can help you learn to talk about your desires without shame. I can help you celebrate what you want in your sex life and move towards getting that.

Hope to hear from you soon.