a{Live} now: Horse Constellations & Somatic Healing — EP78

Candice Wu 0:00

In this episode, I talked about Horse Constellations and Somatic Healing with horses, my personal experiences of this as well as what it’s like to do healing work with horses at liberty. This episode highlights my five nights with Sarah Fancy at Silver Horse Retreat in Ranchita, California.

Candice Wu 0:22

Hello and welcome. You’re listening to the Embody Podcast, a show about remembering and embodying your true nature, inner wisdom, embodied healing, and self-love.

Candice Wu 0:35

My name is Candice Wu, and I’m a holistic healing facilitator, intuitive coach, and artist, sharing my personal journey of vulnerability, offering meditations and guided healing support, and having co-creative conversations with healers and wellness practitioners from all over the world.

Candice Wu 0:57

If you’d like to experience family and systemic constellations, you are in luck, I have a workshop coming up in Chicago, it’s called Restore the Flow of Love. With anything that you’re experiencing in life, whether it’s related to love life, relationships, your career, your home space, or how you experience yourself in the world in any way, you can set up a constellation to look at the underlying dynamics, the hidden dynamics of what’s going on, that may be a struggle for you or a challenge. And allow the organic healing and balancing to emerge so that you can step more forward into your joy, your love, and the flow of love and life through you, as well as what you desire in life.

Candice Wu 1:49

The beauty is we can do all that without sharing any mental information, and by tuning into the dynamics for each other as representative in each other’s constellations. It’s a beautiful process, and I encourage you to check it out at CandiceWu.com/flowoflove. This workshop is on July 21st, 2019, in Chicago, Illinois, and if you’ve missed this one, and want to know about others, you can find more events at CandiceWu.com/events. All this is also linked in the show notes, so, feel free to go to the website at CandiceWu.com/horseconstellations.

Candice Wu 2:30

Hello, welcome back everyone. A couple of weeks ago I spoke about dancing and meditating with horses at Sarah Fancy’s horse ranch called Silver Horse Retreat, and this was me talking about three different meditations that I had with Silver, the horse that was 35 years old, and how I learned how to dance with horses, and communicate with them in ways telepathically as well as with my body, with my energy, with my mind, my heart. You can find that episode at CandiceWu.com/dancingwithhorses. And in this episode, I want to talk about how I did some healing work with horses and the mentorship program that I went through to learn how to do this as well as experienced it myself in different ways.

Candice Wu 3:24

I learned how to set up horse constellations, so family constellations, systemic constellations, with horses, as well as to do some somatic work and experiencing around horses, to support people in transformation in how they see themselves, what they want, and what wants to unfold and emerge in their lives, on their journey.

Candice Wu 3:48

Before we go there, I want to talk a little bit about this experience where people talk about the heaviness of their emotions or the darkness in them and judging the darkness in them. So, you might have said it yourself or hear people say that they don’t want to be in the darkness. They want to feel lightness, they want to feel the good emotions, and not the bad or not be in the heavy emotions. Sometimes, people say the negative and the positive emotions, and I want to just clarify one thing here today is that if you’ve been listening to the show, you probably know that I don’t believe in positive or negative emotions. I believe that all emotions are supportive to us on our journey. We need them all, in order to understand where we’re at and to support us in what else there is to know about ourselves, to support us in knowing how we feel about some things so that it can inform the next step.

Candice Wu 4:51

We need anger to show us that something didn’t feel right, we’re boundaries are. We need sadness, to show us what something meant to us and what we desire. We need disappointment to show us what we wanted and how badly we wanted something. All these can direct us towards what we want, what we hope for and what really brings us joy in life. And so, this idea that the dark part of us is one that’s undesirable, and the dark includes emotions like frustration, anger, sadness, disappointment, these dark emotions. While these emotions may feel hard to experience, while they may be unpleasant, and they may feel dark or heavy. That in itself is not meant to be a judgment. The dark parts of us are actually the shadow, the darkness in us. The parts of us that we judge and blame or that we criticize as bad, that we feel we do not want, we want to discard and us, that’s our shadow self. And all of those parts are actually wanting to come into the light and be held within the light so that we can see they’re actually here to support us.

Candice Wu 6:14

The things that we believe are negative, they’re actually not. They’re here to support us. And our darkness, our shadow is just what we have yet to claim as part of that wholeness of who we are. Somewhere along the way, we got the message that certain experiences, certain thoughts, or emotions are not meant for us to be felt or we should not feel them or we should not express them, and that can become part of our shadow. We are here to experience all of it. And to know ourselves and to know who we are not through all of that as well. To know that we are not those emotions, we are the part of us that is witnessing those emotions, those experiences that brought us to feel something.

Candice Wu 7:08

So, when we use the dark and the light to separate ourselves from certain experiences, like we don’t want to feel those because they’re dark, that just creates more separation, and cuts us off from the wholeness that we are that wants to feel it all, and wants to be informed with wisdom by all of it. It’s interesting to bring this up today because with horses, whenever I was fully in my emotion, no matter what it was, especially if it was sadness or anger or a weird sound that came out of some need to protect, the horses really respond to that. They would often come near me or they would be present with me. They liked being around because I was congruent with the feeling that was emerging inside of me, and I was able to witness it and be with it. And wasn’t putting some of that away or hiding it, where they kind of had to guess what I was about.

Candice Wu 8:16

I was fully clear with what I was feeling in that moment, in those moments and the horses like that, they don’t care what the emotion is they just like that you’re in it fully. And they can see clearly what’s happening in that moment, they can understand and be with you. So, horses really show us there’s no need to be afraid of any of those emotions. They’re not running away when I feel anger, they understand. And they see that there isn’t a danger. Horses tend to run or protect right away when they’re scared, and they’re not scared of that at all. They’re not scared of the sadness, the deep grief that might come up.

Candice Wu 9:02

So, this leads me right to the healing work that I was doing with horses and the learning of facilitating horse constellations and somatic work. The simplest aspects of being with a horse and experiencing what that’s like, what it feels like in my body, what comes up in me, that is so basic, yet profound, because horses bring such a gift.

Candice Wu 9:31

So, all of these horses that I was working with at Silver Horse Retreat with Sarah Fancy, all the seven horses were at liberty within their living space. So, it was a large arena with plant life and rocks. And they could be totally in the other corner of us where we’re doing our healing work, or they could come near. And the first experience I had was defining an intention that I’d like to step into for myself in my life and to be in the space with the horses, and just feel myself. So, it was like a Somatic Experiencing session with the horses around.

Candice Wu 10:15

My desire for myself was to be fully in my knowing, trust fully in my knowing and follow through with my knowing. And Sarah’s first question to me was, “Well, don’t you already do that?” And I do, I do do that in so many parts of my life. There are some places that I know something, and I might tuck it away to not know it fully, and let myself be a little blind to it, quote and quote, because in a way, it’s just an illusion to myself, fooling myself in a way to get something else out of the experience that I really do want as well. Or there may be a fear underneath it that if I actually acknowledge my knowing, my wisdom fully in this situation, that I’d have to change something or I’d have to say no to something that I want something else from. And so, this was my intention, and she asked me to just stand in the space where there were three different horses. And again, it was a large space, so they could be free to join in or to walk away and beyond their own.

Candice Wu 11:31

I went inside the arena and stood next to this tree, this kind of tree bush. And as I got in there and started to feel my body, feel what my emotions were, what my sensations were inside, I felt really safe next to this tree. I had the tree behind me and was facing just kind of an enclosed view, so, I felt tucked away here, and then I started feeling really sad. And as I was feeling that, I recognize that I was holding on now to the tree, my right arm was holding on to the tree. The impulse came to me to push away the tree was like a codependent relationship. On one hand, I like this tree here, and it serves me. And on the other hand, I was so angry with it, I wanted to get it away from me, it was taking from me, I felt like I was shrinking, and I couldn’t quite move my feet. Literally, I felt that in my legs, and my ankles like my feet didn’t really want to move.

Candice Wu 12:42

So, I followed that and the horses weren’t really nearby, and she said just to continue on as if they’re not there, and just be in my feeling. And before long, I felt I could let go of this tree. So, I let go and release with my arm. And as soon as I did that, Silver, one of the horses came to me. Silver’s the one I’ve been meditating with. He came right over to me and started using his head to give me affection. So, rubbing the left side of my body vigorously. And I felt him like push me, push me. I felt him move my feet, and I just allowed it to happen and I laughed a little bit. And Sarah asked me, did I notice that silver came right away when I let go? And I did. It’s amazing how instantaneous that happens that something changed in me and the horses could feel it without even seeing what was going on. They knew, and that created a change and a shift in them.

Candice Wu 13:54

I could hear the other horses moving around, but they weren’t close. There was Meiji, the spotted Appaloosa horse that I really like, and Jackie, another horse there. So, I’m receiving Silver’s nudging affection, I’m able to move a little bit. And now I feel my left leg is movable, flexible, mobile. And Sarah asked me, “What was going on?” and I said, “Well, I just want to go over there, I think I need to go away from this tree.” And yet, my right foot feels stuck. I feel like I need to drag it. And she said, “Well, go ahead,” which I wasn’t expecting in that moment. So, I literally took my hands and grabbed my leg, stepped with my left foot away from this tree and dragged this leg, and of course, I exaggerated a little because it really wanted to feel what this was like. And it was it felt like the right thing. It felt like actually something that was going on in my system.

Candice Wu 15:10

This is where we tend to override what our body is showing us and we just walk like normal or we try to. And yet these underlying energies that shape our physical body do affect us. And so, when we pay attention to that, it can really show us what’s going on here. And it was so powerful in this moment. Here I am, dragging my right foot away from this tree that represents some codependent relationship, codependent experience that I’m having, and I have to drag myself away or want to drag myself away. And this right leg just wants to keep staying. And it just so happens that I have had a lot of tension and holding in my right side more so than my left, and I’m aware that that has often represented the masculine energy, my connection with my father, and the lineage on the father side.

Candice Wu 16:13

And this codependent dynamic that I was working with, it did appear to me as many things, which I won’t go into all the details, but it did feel like it was related to a father dynamic that I had before, a piece of our relationship that was showing up in other parts of my life, presently. And ways that I didn’t want to leave it, but it also didn’t really want to stay in it. And I could feel that happening in aspects of my current life, experiences where I wanted to stay sort of, but I wanted to leave sort of, and I couldn’t be full in one or the other. It’s like me being split into. So, this dragging my right leg away and walking away slowly, was so painful, it meant that I had to accept the pain of the codependency that you accept the painful part of this dynamic that I was holding off from feeling while staying in it.

Candice Wu 17:22

So, I’m dragging my leg, I’m crying, and now Silver is walking around me and Jackie comes. And they’re all just, those two are just circling around being away and moving around me, which feels like it’s helping me move even more. And at some point, one of the horses stood in front of me in the direction I was going. And I stopped and realized, actually, yeah, I needed it to be going towards the back left side of me where there was open space. I think it was Jackie standing there. So, I noticed that and felt in me the resource, the strength to turn around and face that direction. And as I turned around, I could sense that my left side, my stronger side was nearer to the tree than my right, and that gave even more to my right leg more mobility.

Candice Wu 18:19

And I then I felt as soon as I did that, Meiji came over. I love Meiji, she’s that spotted appaloosa that she’s white with black and gray spots. And she came right next to me to my left side. And as I took one step, she took one step. And it was just the sweet, sweet support that she was giving me. I took another step if I could feel my left leg move pretty easily and my right leg heavy, heavy and feeling like I can only imagine that’s just how, if this foot is injured or if I was a child and walking for the first time, this unfamiliarity in this leg, in the movement of this leg, there’s stuck energy there. One step forward, and Meiji took a step forward. And it kept going like this for a time, and I was wiggling my right toes and ankles, just learning to let this leg be free and to walk away from this painful dynamic that needed to end.

Candice Wu 19:27

And as I looked out, and I saw this open space, I could breathe. And it started to feel worth it to walk away. And the unknown feeling and uncertainty of looking and walking away in the direction of my knowing, of what I knew I needed to do for myself, started to feel a little less scary. And Meiji’s still next to me, and now Jackie’s walking around me, and now Silver’s getting close to my right side. And it just started to feel like they were circling around me in a way or moving about in my space, where previously while I was by the tree, none of them really wanted to be near. And that gave me a feeling of, wow, there’s so much abundance here, there’s so much resource, there’s so much strength, and things that can come in and out of my life with flow. And I can receive at all, I can be with them, with the horses and with what shows up.

Candice Wu 20:36

And as I took more steps forward and felt more fortified in that feeling, in my body, felt my right leg able to move even more. I turned around to look and Jackie had stood between me and the tree so that I couldn’t quite see the tree anymore. And that helps me turn around and keep going. And a couple of minutes later, the next time I turned around to look, Jackie and Silver were facing in opposite directions next to each other with their heads turned like a heart shape in a way they were mutually grooming each other’s backs, and each other’s main. And so, I saw this representing there’s love here, there’s a lot of love here. And if I walk away from what was somewhat loving, but codependent, I will find new love.

Candice Wu 21:34

That was really powerful for me to see and beautiful and so, so delightful. And then I was able to see the tree in my clear sight and see that it was okay, I was okay with that tree over there. And that dynamic over there, and I could look at it without going back. And I had full mobility to turn around and walk into my life. And so, Sarah eventually asked me, “Is this where your knowing is, this is where you’re following through with your knowing, and trusting?” And it was so clear, it was a yes, it felt really easy to be there and my body could move.

Candice Wu 22:15

So, this session was about experiencing my body somatically, and allowing what wanted to emerge, to emerge and allowing the horses to join in. And for me to experience what it was like to be with them and their interactions with me. And for me, that’s not far from horse constellation. It’s just being in the space, allowing the horses to show up as well, and provide support and resource. This is something I absolutely love to do. And I’m so excited to offer. I don’t have my own horses yet. But if there’s anyone out there that’s interested in doing this and has a horse or has a friend with a horse that we can set this up, I’m game. I’m just thrilled because being with horses provides this connection with the spiritual world, the energetic and spiritual world that we cannot see with our eyes, but we know is there. And it bridges the earthly and spiritual world as Sarah would say, in a way that accesses so much resource and knowing that we can bring into our lives. So, being with horses in this way gives such a gift.

Candice Wu 23:39

So, I also want to talk about horse constellations, more specifically, what are they and how they work. And what I experienced with Sarah and my mentorship with her family constellations, and systemic constellations, as well as nature constellations, are setups in which we can use objects, people, and horses, we can invite them into the space to represent different parts of dynamics that are going on within us. So, as I described my earlier experience, the tree was representing something. And at different points, the horses were representing, or bringing meaning to me as a symbol of something, of resource of some sort.

Candice Wu 24:22

And when we do horse constellations, we also invite the horses at liberty, where they’re free to move about and join in, or they’re free to say no and walk away. And they’re free to represent something for us that wants to be seen and the energy of what’s here. We can allow the horses to come in and just show us what they may be representing. We may begin to feel and know something as they emerge in the space if they do, and the feeling of being around them and the emotion, the energy that they’re showing us, can really show us something that wants to be seen.

Candice Wu 25:08

So, in this experience with Sarah, Sarah represented me, and we call them the four directions to hold the space, and I was able to witness. We also had her dog, Little Bear there, and he was sitting next to me on a leash. And as we were calling in the four directions, Jackie came over right away. So, all the seven horses were in this space and available to join if they wanted to. And Jackie was the only one that came, and I was so grateful. She just came right away and knew it’s like she knew what was going on. She knew she wanted to be there. And she stayed there the whole time. Near the end, a couple of the other horses joined, and it was interesting that they just touched in for that moment of the knowing that came through at the end of the constantly. And it was as if they knew it was over and the resolution was there, the fullness was there, and they wanted to join.

Candice Wu 26:09

So, Sarah didn’t know that much about my life, and that’s how constellations works when you have someone represent yourself or other people in your life, other dynamics in your life. The representatives can tune into how you feel, how you relate to specific people, the movement of your body, the energy of your body, and what’s going on underneath the surface without any mental knowledge. And so, it’s amazing when we invite, for example, someone’s parents to show up in the space. And we see their dynamic unfold, and the client says, “Yeah, that’s what’s happening. ”Or “Yeah, my mom can’t even look at me?” That’s how it feels.

Candice Wu 26:58

Often, our younger experiences show up, a part of us feels unseen by a parent or two, or is tangled up in a dynamic. And our adult self feels something different. And so, here in this constellation, I just want to highlight a few things that really struck me and I brought home with me. Jackie stood in the space, she stood right in the space and did not move, did not budge. And Sarah, as a representative for me, Candice, started walking around her, walking in circles, walking in circles. And she reported, “I feel fine, I feel fine.” But I feel a little bit restless, I don’t know where I’m going exactly. And now I’m getting tired. And so, she stopped, which reflected a part of me, there’s a part of me that isn’t sure where to land in terms of a living space, where to go next. And she reported that Jackie started to feel like a responsibility, a duty that she that I was circling around. And then she picked up some energy and started walking again. But she decided to go the other way.

Candice Wu 28:20

And I saw this and felt, “Oh, my goodness,” like, this is exactly what’s happening. There’s this feeling of responsibility somewhere living in me, and it may relate to family and ancestry and something that my culture, through my lineage that isn’t yet resolved. In the Chinese culture, there’s this sense that you have a duty and responsibility to your family to take care of them, especially as the oldest child that your parents are your responsibility, your elderly or your responsibility. And there’s something about that, that became so heavy for me. And despite that sense, I wasn’t really aware that it was becoming so heavy for me, I thought that this was something that I had cleared up and felt okay with, but here it was showing up and this restlessness running around it and then turning around and going in the other direction, but still walking the same path. Felt so painful to see and so poignant, and absurd. Like I laughed out loud, but I also cried at the same time. And Jackie, the horse was just standing there, fully present and taking up the space.

Candice Wu 29:39

And later, Sarah, stopped and started looking at the mountains and said, “I just need to go there and breathe into the fresh air and be in that space.” And eventually, she consulted with me as the client and wanted to check in with what I wanted to do and what was needed here. And it was really unclear, but something shifted in me as I was witnessing this. And I was feeling the plants around me. And the words that came from Sarah as a representative for me, were that this is enough. And she pointed to the plants, to my family, to duty, to responsibility, to everything that was in my life. And said, “This is all enough.” Little Bear, the dog that was there, started looking at me, and like crying like: “Help me, cuddle with me, be with me.”, and started nipping at Sarah, like wanting her. And his eyes looking at me. Definitely, like the biggest sad puppy dog looking eyes, just showed how much my family was wanting me to be around, the feeling that I got about my family at least and like this desperation of sorts, like, please be with us, be with us. And yet it felt heavy to me.

Candice Wu 31:10

But when the shifting internally happened and the words that this is all enough began to happen, I could feel that and all of that started to shift and it started to feel like it wasn’t so heavy anymore. And it wasn’t a giant shift of what was going on. It’s not about what I chose, or what I needed to choose, it really just was this subtle shift in me that what felt like responsibility and duty, could be such a beautiful resource to me. And as I felt this Jackie turned and turned towards me and put her legs towards me and wanted me to scratch her legs. And I was doing it, and it was just a really speed interaction, and I liked it, I felt so connected. And the message I was getting was, there’s so much here in your Chinese roots that wants to be acknowledged, and can bring you support, and can also be part of your healing work with others, that you can bring in, like, take these gifts, receive these gifts, this is all enough. And I could feel that coming through me and shift my system.

Candice Wu 32:30

So, when we’re doing constellations, we’re just open to what is emerging and what the energy of the feeling is, and what happens next, what literally happens, what we see, what we feel, and what the animals show us, what nature shows us. All of it is part of things. And what I love is that we can begin to see our lives that way, we can begin to receive messages from all things around us. Receive the resource of the water, the grass, the trees, the message that the bird comes and gives us, we can talk to nature and the animals, we can see that it’s enough.

Candice Wu 33:20

And so I wanted to share this experience of my horse constellation to offer this message as well as introduce you, if this is new to you, to how constellations with horses work, how constellations work in general. And as I said, I don’t have my horses yet. But I feel that that may be coming or some connection, deeper connection with horses is emerging. But if you do have horses in your space, and you’re wanting this work, wanting to experience it, feel free to reach out to me or Sarah Fancy, she’s an expert at it, and you can go to her space and experience her retreats.

Candice Wu 34:09

And just know that this experience is out there. There are so many ways to experience healing and transformation, and to know and see things. This beautiful gift of being with horses it’s just something that I can’t wait to share with people, and I hope that you received something from this sharing of my experience here.

Candice Wu 34:37

So, thanks so much for listening. Again, you can connect up with my episode on Dancing and Meditating with the horses at CandiceWu.com/dancingwithhorses. And also, the first time that I experienced an equine-assisted learning session was with Joy Curran, and that was in Australia. What a gift that was, really that changed my life and that was only a year ago. It was only a year ago that I began to fall in love with horses, and really shift my life to connect with horses more. That episode can be found at CandiceWu.com/joy. And there’s also a video of my experience where Joy worked with me and her horse, Chaya, to allow me to bring a dream that I was having at night, at night dream to life with this horse.

Candice Wu 35:36

So, if you want to know more about Sarah, she’s going to be on the podcast coming up. But you can find her at silverhorse.org, and @SaraaFancy on Instagram, and I’ll link to her in the show notes. I’m just so grateful to her and her horses for showing me this very beautiful connection that I can have with horses and ways I can work with horses that feel so natural to me. I’m so ready to do this. And thank you.

Candice Wu 36:08

Before we go, I’d like to invite you to receive my bi-monthly newsletters where I talk about my experiences, my travels, as well as keep you updated on retreats, workshops, and podcasts at CandiceWu.com/embody, and feel free to jump on my website to listen to other podcasts about various topics around trauma, constellations, somatic work, and healing, loving yourself as well as all the guests that I have on the show and their healing experientials that they offer. You can find all that at CandiceWu.com/podcast.

Candice Wu 36:48

Thanks so much for joining me today. You can always reach out to me if you have questions, feedback, would like to know more or have topic requests that you’d like to hear about on the podcast, you can find me at my website, and I so appreciate you being here. Thanks so much. Take care and I’ll see you next time on the Embody Podcast.