Core Erotic Themes Fantasy & BDSM with Harmony — EP51

Candice Wu 0:00
This episode is with guest Harmony Niles, the founder of Kink from the Couch. We explore ritual in relationships, BDSM as a new romance. Her experience as a predominant, acceptance and releasing shame around what may feel unacceptable for oneself, touching into core erotic themes and embodying fantasies, as well as dominance and submission in life and fantasy. This episode contains explicit and sexual content and language and may not be suitable for all audiences or ages. Please use your own discretion.

Candice Wu 0:37
Hello and welcome. You're listening to the Embody Podcast, a show about remembering and embodying your true nature, inner wisdom embodied healing and self-love.

Candice Wu 0:51
My name is Candice Wu and I'm a holistic healing facilitator, intuitive coach, and artists sharing my personal journey of vulnerability, offering meditations and guided healing support and having co Creative Conversations with healers and wellness practitioners from all over the world.

Candice Wu 1:12
Do you wish for better sleep for the holidays? The sound sleep album is on sale through the new year for $11. And this episode is sponsored by that album. It's an album of 11 healing experientials and meditations plus yoga poses and marble points, and a spiritual guide that helps you feel more grounded, restful, easeful in your sleep and embodied throughout the day. It's a stepping stone towards healing trauma, feeling embodied, bringing your nervous system baseline to more relaxation and calm and looking at the deeper aspects of sleep issues. So, your support in ordering the album helps me make more healing albums more content and produce more podcast episodes. This album was a delight to make and I hope you enjoy it. I would be so grateful if you considered offering to a friend who would like better sleep, or someone who wants to feel more embodied in their lives. You can find that at CandiceWu.com/soundsleep.

Candice Wu 2:20
So we have Harmony Niles today on the podcast. I'm so excited to share this episode with you. It was incredibly fun to talk with her. And to talk about a topic that I haven't really talked much about on the podcast specifically is sex and sexuality fantasies, as well as BDSM. All of these are topics of interest to me, and it was great to share that with Harmony. Harmony is the founder of Kink from the Couch. It's a Somatica counseling practice based in San Francisco. And her energy about sexuality, fantasy and exploring erotic themes is incredibly inspiring, beautiful, full of grace, humanity, and compassion. The Somatica method is a really interesting one, it recognizes that we learned primarily through our bodies, which is very similar to somatic experiencing.

Candice Wu 3:29
When using a combination of talk therapy and experiential exercises. Harmony leads her clients to embrace their full sexual selves without shame. And under her guidance, you'll find your own erotic embodiment while developing and negotiating practical BSM skills and other vital practices that can bring healthy kink into your relationship. So, whether you're in San Francisco or far away, she is an excellent resource and counselor to connect with on this topic. And just to share a little bit more about harmonies path to being a sex counselor. It included learning about Tantra, orgasmic meditation, the human potential movement, and NLP. And she was an independent professional dominant for a decade. She developed her DS skills, her dominant-submissive skills at Cleo Duarte Academy of SM Arts and studied Bondage with Midori.

Candice Wu 3:49
So, a beautiful thing about this episode being published today, December 17, 2018, is that it is the international day to end violence against sex workers. So, the sex workers outreach project is an organization that joins sex workers, allies and advocates from around the world in recognizing December 17th, as the day for ending violence against sex workers. And it's a day to come together to remember those that were lost in the year and to renew commitment to the ongoing struggle for empowerment, visibility and the rights for all sex workers. The majority of violence against sex workers is not just violence against sex workers. It's also violence against trans women, against women of color, against drug users and immigrants. And so, their mission speaks to the fact that we cannot end the marginalization and victimization of all sex workers without also fighting transphobia, racism, stigma, and criminalization of drug use and xenophobia.

Candice Wu 4:07
So, during this week, the week of December 17, annually, sex worker communities and social justice organizations, well, stage actions and visuals, and work to raise awareness about violence that's commonly committed against sex workers. You can find more information about this at December17th.org. I'll also connect to that information in the show notes along with the National Sex Worker Hotline in case you are aware of any violence against any of the populations that we just spoke about here, or sex workers in general, that number for the National Sex Worker Hotline is 877776 2004.

Candice Wu 5:56
So, it's with great pleasure that I introduce Harmony to the show today, who has been a sex worker and can speak to her own experience of releasing shame, and supporting others and doing so in embodying their fantasies.

Candice Wu 6:17
I am honored today to have Harmony Niles on the show Harmony is the founder of Kink from the Couch, which is a Somatic counseling and coaching practice in San Francisco. And, I'm so thrilled today to hear how Harmony incorporates helping her clients embrace their full sexual selves and the BDSM and kink experience and knowledge she has in helping people feel into their fantasies in their desires. Hello, Harmony!

Harmony Niles 6:48
Hi Candice, thanks for having me.

Candice Wu 6:50
Oh, it's wonderful to have you. How are you doing?

Harmony Niles 6:54
Things are good. And thank you.

Harmony Niles 6:58
Yeah, I am excited about the work that I'm doing. I love the clients that I have. I'm feeling really blessed. Yeah, things are very good.

Candice Wu 7:08
That's fantastic. I'm really excited to hear about your journey in getting to where you are today and supporting people with their sexual being.

Harmony Niles 7:21
Um, it's been a long and winding road to get to the point that I'm at right now. And I really feel like I have completely embraced my calling, like, this is the work that I was put on this earth to do. So, I feel really lucky that I was able to find this fairy. Well, I'll call it like a clean and clear and inspired, the way of looking at BDSM and the kind of healing that it could offer people.

Candice Wu 7:58
That is so exciting. And how did you know it was? How did you know you found your calling? When you did, was there a moment or a feeling that you had?

Harmony Niles 8:07
Hmmm. Trying to think back when there was an actual moment. There was a moment years ago, over 10 years ago when I was in a like transformational workshop, and I had this feeling of like, I want to be a dominatrix. Like, and I felt so much fear around it, but also switches so much excitement and turn on. Could I do it? Is this possible? Like, could I handle it and then I really started pursuing that, again, with lots of fear and trepidation along every step of the way. As I moved more in that direction, feeling like I was bringing so much into my own personal life that was really good for me, ultimately. I really changed a lot as a person through that journey. And then after doing that for, like, a decade, I thought about how can I keep the things that I really love about this work? And maybe shed some of the things that I feel done with. And what I really loved was listening to my clients' fantasies.

Candice Wu 9:29
Oooh. Wow!

Harmony Niles 9:29
I would listen to their fantasies, and really like to pay attention to all those rich details, all the minutiae of it. And I would feel like I learned so much about them in hearing these stories. And as a dominatrix, then I would figure out the ways to deliver that feeling that they're really wanting that feeling they're looking for, and maybe giving it to them in a way that they weren't expecting, something that was a little surprising.

Candice Wu 10:02
That sounds so, so fun and incredible. I'm kind of in awe about it.

Harmony Niles 10:07
Well, in my current work, I am still listening to people's fantasies, as I mean, that's one of the main things that people come to me to explore. And I'm teaching them how to bring those things into their life, and a healthy and safe way, how to talk to their partners about it in a way that where the partner can really get it can really like get behind, wanting to give them the feeling that they want to have, you know, to talk about it in a way that that really enrolls your partner into saying, Yes, I do want to be part of that.

Candice Wu 10:41
Can you give us an example of what that language or energy sounds and feels like to bring that excitement to a partner or to a romantic interest?

Harmony Niles 10:55
Well, I think the first step is being able to talk about your desire, letting go of some of the shame, because when we have a lot of shame around it, it's like there's a way we get tight. And in that, not attractive, you know, your partner is going to be less likely to want to jump into that scenario. If you're feeling weird and incongruent about it, if you're holding it in a way, in a negative way. And so, yeah, like step one is just giving someone the space where they can talk about their fantasy, or whatever their desire is, even if it's not fully formed yet. Maybe it's not a full story, but just an image that they have or a feeling that they want to feel. And they can talk about that in a way that emphasizes what it gives to them, where someone can really feel like the power that it has done, like how much they want it and hold it in without shame, where they can talk about it without shame, so that everyone is enrolled and doing that.

Candice Wu 12:06
Beautiful. Yeah, it just feels so exciting to hear you talk about how you connect people with that core desire that's underneath it, the feeling that they really want to have. And I can just feel it in my bones and in my body. And in my own experiences where that just feels like so connecting with myself, the deeper aspects of myself and to have that in a sexual experience and to have what you desire. At least for me, I was just talking to another person about this just recently on a podcast is like having what you want is already a big step to even open up to what you desire. And how does that come up for you? And in your practice?

Harmony Niles 13:00
Let me just clarify the question. So, having what you want is a big step towards getting what you desire?

Candice Wu 13:06
Yeah, I think having even the question of what do you desire? What do you fantasize about? And perhaps, of course, it's related to that same piece like to even be allowed or feel the permission to want and to have something that is truly your desire and your creation. I think it's such an empowering and big step. And then you're taking it further to release the shame and then go for it.

Harmony Niles 13:42
Now I agree with you. It can be so empowering to just have someone listen to you in a way that loving and accepting that safe, where you can feel seen in that part of yourself, maybe one that you've always wanted to hide. Now, I think that when we go into relationships, we start off by giving our partner this very, carefully curated version of ourselves. And we put forward the sweet and nice parts. While we know that whole time that there are perhaps darker things underneath, that we're keeping hidden. And when you finally bring that out and like and let your partner love you there, too, you can really have that experience of a feeling seen as a whole person.

Candice Wu 14:34
Wow. Right. I'm just connecting to some of the fantasies that I've had. And when I've connected with them or experienced them, either by myself or with someone, it often brings me to that place of something hidden or a piece of myself that wants healing, even. And I'm curious, you said you have learned so much about yourself over the course of being a dominatrix and working with this with yourself and your clients. What are some of the things that you learned?

Harmony Niles 15:15
As you were talking, I was thinking back to an article I wrote a quite a while ago, but it was about BDSM as the new romance. Because I see romance as a way to especially like romantic gestures, like flowers and candy and a lot of this sweet kind of Valentine's Day things as a way to put a marker like an anchor point here on your feelings for someone to and then offer it up and show it to them. It's like they have something tangible. Now, and kink and BDSM has lots of rituals that do essentially the same thing. It's like putting a marker on your feelings for someone and showing it to them. And maybe, in this case, it's the color around my neck is symbolizing my service to you, or I put on a corset. And as I tighten it, I feel like I'm putting on strength. As I became more aware of this in my practice as a Pro-Dome and a lot of the little rituals I'd create, sometimes even a ritual for different and specific clients. I started to think about how can I have more of these rituals, in my own relationships, in my own private relationships? And I started to create little things for myself and my partners as well.

Harmony Niles 16:41
And then I would really feel, gratified and comforted and loved in those rituals. For example, me and an ex-boyfriend of mine, we had a ritual that how we always said goodbye to each other. Where he would take my hand in his and kiss my palm, you know, it's a very sweet, sweet gesture. It's not necessarily, you know, submissive, per se, it's just meant to show a moment of devotion. And it is hard to be mad at someone when they are doing this sweet gesture of kissing your palm, it was like a good way for us to always be close and in a loving space to reconnect to, you know, that connection between us.

Candice Wu 17:34
That's beautiful.

Harmony Niles 17:35
Yeah. And then I started getting crazy with it. And I created rituals for myself around like, keep my own self-discipline in the morning. Now I do little rituals with my daughter, like, I love the way that it brings us back to this kind of shared intention.

Candice Wu 17:55
I love that it's um, it's like the practice of minding yourself, the connection that you have with someone or with yourself, and what you want to be experiencing, and cultivating that. And I just imagine this picture of like dipping a cloth and to dye over and over. And it just becomes richer and richer.

Harmony Niles 18:17
That's a beautiful image.

Candice Wu 18:19
I'm curious about your experiences as a dominatrix. And did you? What did you find for yourself? Was this empowering for you? Was it healing? Did you find challenges with it? What was that like for you?

Harmony Niles 18:35
I'm going to say yes, yes and yes, it was definitely, it was definitely empowering, is definitely challenging. In fact, it's crazy to think that even after having years of experience, I would still feel so much fear and nervousness, like right before doing a scene, especially if it was something, you know, complicated or challenging. And it was a good practice for me to feel that fear and walk into it anyway. You know, step forward anyway. But one of the things that is challenging about this type of play, is that you really need to be present and paying attention in every moment so that you can really feel the connection between yourself and your partner. And know when the moment the energy starts to go away. You don't want it to, to know right away. If it's not, to not get stuck into any rut, but to always be paying attention, which is great practice for life.

Candice Wu 19:51
Right! I was just thinking that the amount of presence and attunement, and sensing in, that is called for in that interaction.

Harmony Niles 20:07
I wrote an article recently that I called what to do when you don't know what to do.

Harmony Niles 20:13
And I think what's inspired me to think about this topic is I realized, back when I was practicing dominance professionally, one of my greatest fears was what happens when I get to that moment where I don't know what to do. And now the like, one of the biggest questions I get from clients is, you know, what happens when I don't know what to do next? Or, you know, or are my skills are good enough to do this next, you know, it's like, everyone seems to be wanting to wait until they have all of the skills and all of the confidence. But if you wait for the day that comes, I mean, that's a mythical day, but that's never going to come up you like you're never gonna feel perfectly confident, and I'm like, you have all these skills from everything. Of course, it's great to, you know, invest in working on those things. And that's a lot of what I help clients do now is help them work on their confidence, teach them skills, but also I want to teach them and acceptance for the fact that there's going to be times when you don't know what to do yet next. And I've given a lot of like, practical tips around. Okay, that moment of what we'll call it, existential uncertainty has arisen. And so, what are some of the things that you can do next? What can you try? What kind of techniques can you pull out?

Candice Wu 21:39
So, the matter of exploring, exploring the different possibilities that can arise from that moment?

Harmony Niles 21:48
Yeah. In many of those moments, I think, like, I think those moments can be a real gift. So, the first thing is I tell people to do is, “Don't be afraid to go slow”. And take that moment, you know, to feel the sweetness, and the poignancy of that kind of low and the action, because energy can't just go up, up forever. There need to be periods of falling energy, or you're relaxing and savoring, you're getting ready for what the next peak would be.

Candice Wu 22:23
Those seem like really very sweet moments, if you can, tender moments if you can sink into them and surrender there.

Harmony Niles 22:30
Yeah, what I would usually do is I would stand close to my partner, maybe I put my hand on his chest, lock eyes with him, and just take a moment to breathe. And in those moments, I would start to feel more of what he's feeling. And then it's like magically inspiration with usually come, right? Right in those moments, inspiration would come about what to do next.

Candice Wu 22:58
It's like slowing down and just tuning in and letting something arrive, arrive there. That's it's a lovely reminder. And before our conversation right now, I was sharing with you how I've been horseback riding and playing with this dominance with a horse and how much is the right amount? And what is the collaboration here? And I think I could very well use this, these ideas here praying about what to do, and you don't know what to do, because there are so many times. I don't know what to do and I'm meant to be somewhat in charge in these moments. But you also work with people on how to step into their dominant self?

Harmony Niles 23:48
Yes.

Candice Wu 23:49
And what does that mean, for you or for your clients? And for people asking?

Harmony Niles 23:58
I'm glad that you asked that because people have a lot of different ideas about what it means to be dominant. So, I have a conversation with my clients about like, what is it going to mean for them? How will they know when they are? Look, like if they are being what they think of as dominant? What's that going to look like over here? Like, what am I going to feel in, in relation to that? So I try to give people the opportunity to talk about that and then to practice it, what is it going to be like for you to show up with your dominant self with me right now? You know, how would you talk? How would you move? If we do this exercise together, like, what are the things you're going to do with it, etc, etc. Like, give them the opportunity to practice those things, because it is actually really hard. Some clients have an idea that they want to talk in a certain way, but until you start literally practicing, and like getting the words out of your mouth, there's just a learning curve there. Right? I always had a lot of trouble talking dirty, I would feel silly, I would feel self-conscious. You know, I would be resistant and not wanting to do it because I just felt like I don't sound good. But you know what, now I can do it really well. It's because I've practiced.

Candice Wu 25:32
Yeah, there's such a difference between just talking about what you think you want to do, what you're going to do, and actually practicing it and using your voice and using your movement. That's really exciting.

Harmony Niles 25:47
I think the words dominant can also have certain like meanings and connotations for people. Generally, in my practice, I try to just talk about it from, are you going to take a position of control or you going to take a position of surrender. Just to give people more of a sense of like, the flexibility there, you might start off in a position and control and end in a position of surrender, you might be passing control back and forth, like within the context of a certain scene, a certain night, or your relationship in general. That dominant doesn't have to be like, some rigid category that you're either in or you're not, but something that you play with.

Candice Wu 26:34
Yeah, that sounds a lot more like daily life. And just how can you bring in those different parts of you to interact at different times? And what's needed and what's desired?

Harmony Niles 26:50
Yeah, and this goes back to you and your horse to it's like, what piece of bringing your dominant self or show of force and an interaction is the right thing for that moment? And what might be the right thing for that moment is actually more softness.

Candice Wu 27:13
Yeah, I think so. And what you were saying earlier about paying very close attention, it was in a moment that I wasn't paying close attention, that something kind of went haywire. And just bringing that amount of attention and attunement to the horse, I think it's going to do a great deal to note to figure out what to do or to receive some more information. So, I'm also curious, Harmony, about the shadow aspects of the work and the experiences that you have with yourself and with people. I guess I'm curious about what you find in terms of BDSM, or kink or different scenes and fantasies. What is the healing aspect? What are the shadow aspects that come up? You know, these are very broad questions, but what do you see as interesting about this right now.

Harmony Niles 28:15
Let's say, I think that to be able to bring out some part of yourself that you've really kept under wraps, all of our shadow stuff comes out eventually, at some point, right? It's going to come out and some like moment, when you're really triggered, or you're not feeling who control when you're not able to, like keep that under wraps. And then it might come out in some like, icky way that you're that you don't want. So, by creating a safe space, where you can bring that part of yourself out to play, in a way that feels good to you, in a way that's like healthy and safe for everyone involved. I think it's going to make that thing like less loud in the rest of your life. Do you get what I'm saying? Like maybe, if what you really are trying to keep down and stifle is, you know, this angry part of yourself or this cold part of yourself, or this really harsh or domineering or aggressive part of yourself. And you give that space to come out in a nice, like safe container, then it's going to be less loud in the rest of your life. So, maybe you'll find yourself, like better with your co-workers, more patient with your children nicer to your pets, because you've gotten to express these parts of yourself in other ways, and been able to feel like fulfilled and seeing their you know, that angry part of myself as okay, too.

Candice Wu 29:52
Yeah, absolutely. And I think as you're saying that, it's reminding me of the power of creating that safe container, within a relationship that allows that sort of play to come through and witnessing of, of these, either more painful parts of us or parts we do keep hidden. And within that container of the relationship, it feels like a play. It feels like we're gonna entertain and not entertain, but we're going to bear witness to all these different parts of ourselves. I guess the words that are coming to me are be okay with them, not just be okay, but honor them.

Harmony Niles 30:39
Yes, I think for me, one of the things that I really got from this type of work is that I was able to create a space where I had complete control. Where everything that's happening is because I'm choosing it, you know, I'm like completely calling the shots. And that's not something that I had experienced much have in my life.

Harmony Niles 31:04
And so, I found myself, like, trying to control things, but not really being able to and being frustrated about that and feeling powerless or so, when I went into this work and became a dominatrix. Just the idea that I can have it exactly as I want it was so comforting and just good for me. I felt less desiring to control everything else in my life because I had an area where I could be in control. And so it let me relax in some other areas. The irony, of course, was like when you're, when you are in a scene, it's like you might have this fantasy that you're in total control, but of course, you're not you're very much needing to, you need to surrender to the moment that's happening. And so it is helped get me beyond that need for control, in general, is like I started to see the falseness of it. The, yeah, just like the uselessness of it. You know, here I am in this, like in this scene where I've completely controlled everything. But you're still surrendered to the moment, you know, and all my trappings of control are just trapping.

Candice Wu 32:26
It feels like all an illusion.

Harmony Niles 32:28
Yeah. And you start to see the illusion of that. And then my desire to have everything perfect, you know, like my ducks always in a row. I started to relax around that.

Candice Wu 32:38
Uh huh. Yeah, I can imagine that.

Harmony Niles 32:41
I know, like, I realized, you know, it's not that meaningful, anyway.

Candice Wu 32:45
And it's fascinating, I'm often more in a submissive role. And I think that I desire that because of the amount of at least perceived control that I feel like I have in my life. And I think I take a lot of initiative, and I'm very proactive in a lot of ways, and letting things be letting myself surrender to the moment and not be in that control, letting things arrive and be experienced. It's such a nice balance, as you said, as well for you. So I can relate very much to that.

Harmony Niles 33:25
Mm-hmm.

Candice Wu 33:28
So, what feels alive to you lately? Any themes or personal or client themes?

Harmony Niles 33:37
Okay, like, problems that I've been working on.

Candice Wu 33:42
Sure? Yeah, love to hear about that.

Harmony Niles 33:45
Ah, well, in the current me to climb it, many of my clients are asking about consent. And I have also been thinking about consent, in my own life, my relationship with it, you know, from the time that I was young, until now, and how that's changed, you know, what advice to give to people who, you know, want to do the right thing, and also want to go for their desires as well.

Harmony Niles 34:18
It's been really interesting to be thinking about into exploring it. And I have come up with some good exercises around like exploring consent. And I'm, the exercises that I'm trying to do is around getting consent non verbally, and checking in through the course of an interaction to, to just be sure that your partner is still with you, you know, that they're still a yes, that they're still like, engaged in what's going on. And that's tough to do on both, for both sides of the equation, or for both partners, right? Because we always have moments of where we're maybe dropping out of being completely present. We've gone into our heads for a second and we start to fantasize about something else. So, a way to keep your, to draw yourself back, be present, reconnect to your partner, and ensure that you have consent going ahead, that they're still into it, that they're still with you. And I've been thinking of like how to do that in in a way that feels seamless? How to do it in a way that isn't, let's stop and talk about it. Can I touch you here now? You know, because that's not hot.

Harmony Niles 35:38
And as much as it can be, this is a climate where we need to ask for permission for what we want to do. I do know that often when, when players are asked, it's like, oh, well, I did want it until you asked me. That can throw you back into a more resistant place. So yes, I've been working on different exercises to teach people like how to pay attention to their partners' body so that they know when they're when they're reaching a boundary, when there may be crossing a boundary, or when like any kind of resistance in their partner is coming up. So, that can be addressed in a way that's, you're still sexy, subtle enough, but clear, also.

Candice Wu 36:29
Yeah, I'm thinking about this movie, I can't remember what it's called. But it was like a teenage couple and the guy kept saying, “Do I have your permission to, do I have your permission to kiss you to have your permission to X, Y, and Z?”. And he had to, he was asking me on every single thing. And I love this idea of nonverbal communication and being seamless about it being so in tune with each other. And I'm imagining that's having a lot to do with eye contact and breath and body tension versus openness, what are some of the things that you teach people to send into and look out for?

Harmony Niles 37:14
On this topic, I'm so happy that I can do really experiential work, you know, one on one with people because it does look different, for different players and for what you're doing. That's why I'm having trouble even like describing it right now. Because it's something that is hard to put into words. And this might be a situation where I would practice with a client, like, if I am having him touch me in a particular way, and then he starts to get to an area that where I feel nervous about, or that's a boundary, for now, you know, where he can feel how my body reacts. You know, how my breathing might change? How just how, like the energy changes to, and he can pick up on it right away. And then maybe in some cases, revisit that boundary, because that was my boundary, you know, 10 minutes ago, as the play goes on boundaries can shift. And I think that you, I do want it to teach people to go up against the boundary, to not push too hard. But don't be afraid to go there either.

Candice Wu 38:22
Sounds like a really juicy spot.

Harmony Niles 38:25
It is that kind of that point of resilience.

Candice Wu 38:31
There's something about going right to the edge of the experience and the boundary that feels exciting feels like yes, no. Yes. Something new to learn there, perhaps.

Harmony Niles 38:45
And I think that's what we all want. Like we want to go right up against our boundaries and ultimately work in a really respect the partner who can take us there. And it takes a little bit of bravery, but also a whole lot of pain, attention, and sensitivity. So that you're you're going to the edge and you're not going over it.

Candice Wu 39:10
Absolutely, yeah. And as you do this work, the Somatica work with your clients, what are some of the more practical coming questions you're getting? I know you mentioned that to me before some common questions that people are just wanting to know about.

Harmony Niles 39:28
I talk a lot about negotiation skills. And I often will get questions about that. And I've written a couple of articles about negotiation, too.

Candice Wu 39:40
We can link those in the show notes.

Harmony Niles 39:41
Oh, sure.

Candice Wu 39:42
Okay, great.

Harmony Niles 39:45
And some of the questions that I get might be like, very, very practical, like a woman who wants to give her partner the experience of being really manhandled and dominated, either, though, you know, she is a lot smaller than he is, and that she's very petite. So, what kind of techniques can be used to give her her sense that feeling of feeling big, you know, a feeling strong hair, and that can also give him the experience of feeling like helpless under her touch. And is there are like practical things that you can do with the setting with your costume with like, you know, putting some good rope handles on him that makes it easier for you to move them around. Now, so I will, when appropriate, like bust out the rope and teach someone, this harness could work really good in this situation. And this might help you feel the thing that you want to feel, or feel the thing that he wants to feel. So I can be very practical, like around those type of tips and advice.

Harmony Niles 40:58
And I like to talk about things on a higher level, too. Like, if you want to feel that strength and dominance, what can you do in preparation for a scene, to help give yourself that feeling. I like to do archetype work when appropriate. And I do you like to have a conversation with clients about play archetypes and what working with an archetype, identifying an archetype can help them with. And one of those things is knowing what to do when you don't know what to do, because you can ask yourself, well, what would my archetype do here? If there is a toy or an article clothing that really speaks to that archetype for you, you could pick up that toy and feel like how am I archetype use this now? How would my archetype talk? Or maybe how would my archetype tease and then can give you some ideas about like, about what you want to do next, or what direction to go in. And it can help you feel that dominant power, that feeling that you might be looking for.

Candice Wu 42:11
I love that. Tuning into that, to the energy of the archetype that can just open up all the ways of being that come with it.

Harmony Niles 42:21
One of the things that I've liked about using archetypes in my own scenes, is that I never think of it as acting, but it is allowing me to bring out this part of myself, you know, and when I asked myself, “What would this archetype do?”, and I start doing that thing, I can find myself really like falling into it really easily to becoming that image. And it feels very authentic, it feels true to me. And that's one of the things I love, you know, it does, it doesn't feel like I'm forcing it. It doesn't feel like it acting, so, it's like I'm just opening that door and letting that part come out.

Candice Wu 43:05
That's such an interesting line or edge that you're talking about this experience of being authentic, yet embodying archetypal energy or some part of yourself. And where the line between that authenticity is, and the acting, or the not feel, not feeling like it's you or forcing it. I'm not sure if what the words would be here.

Harmony Niles 43:33
I do know what you mean, now that because and that feeling of forcing it, that's not the feeling you want to have, I guess it's like, it's really hard for things to flow. When, when you feel like your efforting, you want to embrace it authentically so that feels effortless. We're just flowing out of you.

Candice Wu 43:54
Yeah, it feels almost like it's a flattening disconnecting experience to be in that acting place.

Harmony Niles 44:02
Yeah.

Candice Wu 44:03
Where can it come from within?

Harmony Niles 44:06
Yeah. And that being said, it's like I'm saying, I want it to be effortless. But you know what, you might have to practice a little bit and put a lot of effort and you put a little effort in, in practice time or in your own downtime, or in session with me. And then, in the moment, it can feel more effortless?

Candice Wu 44:25
Yeah, that's a great reminder of that practice, because at first, it might feel completely uncomfortable.

Harmony Niles 44:33
Yeah. And that's good. That means you're coming up to your own edges, and you're expanding yourself. That's what we all want.

Candice Wu 44:40
Yeah. So in the work of some Somatica, I think, I'm not sure how the people listening, how much familiarity they'll have. So, wondered if you could share a bit more about the way that touches incorporated.

Harmony Niles 44:57
I'd say in a typical session, well, maybe I shouldn't talk about a typical session, because they all can be very different. But we might start out with talking, checking in, feeling into the issues that are rising for someone on that particular day or that week. And as someone talks to me about like, what's going on for them, my mind will start to turn on, what's the experience that would help them here.

Harmony Niles 45:33
And then I'll start to think of an exercise or something experiential we can do, that will help illustrate where it's going to give them the experience that I think is what they need next. Well, some of these experiences might not include touch, because the experience of talking to someone of like sharing your desire, especially if it's something that you have shame around, and feeling that stuff you're being listened to, and supported and completely seen, that's an experience, too. But many of the exercises that I like to do, do involve touch, and maybe sometimes some, you know, rough touch, if that's the direction that the client needs to go in, and if that's what they need to feel, and I'm lucky that I've had, you know, as much experience in the BDSM and as I have, because I can say, what feels good to me, and give adjustments about like, what would make it feel better. You know, it like if someone is, for example, someone is grabbing my hair by the back of my neck, you know, there's a way that that can feel off and painful, there's a way where it can feel actually really kind of good, comforting, like you're being held. Now, like picking a kitten up by the scruff of their neck. And so if we practice that, I can give the adjustments of like, oh, now, you need to be a little lower, or you need to be a little stronger. And then feel what it feels like after he's made that adjustment. And can you tell the difference now, that my body is responding a little differently, and notice that?

Candice Wu 47:17
Hmm. How fun!

Harmony Niles 47:19
You know, it is really fun. I feel very lucky.

Candice Wu 47:23
So fun. It's like, making me interested in going into that realm of work. I mean, I do, I do work with clients, as far as their fantasies, and some BDSM and kink in stepping into what they would like for themselves or embodying the core feelings they want to have around their experiences. But I haven't delved into, I think what Somatic brings a lot, which is the interactive touch that you can do with a client. And that's not something I've delved into. But here you talk about it, it just sounds so exciting!

Harmony Niles 48:02
I feel like I've gotten a lot from it, too, like, I've gotten very clear on my own boundaries and, and being a yes when I'm a yes. And I no when I'm a no, in a way that's clear and clean and non-blaming, where I'm not like putting something on someone else. And that's just helped me in every area of my life, especially my dating life.

Candice Wu 48:32
Oh, wow. Yeah, a lot of congruence with your inner self and showing up outward and responsibility. It sounds like. So, you have an audience gift? To all the listeners, I'm understanding your core erotic themes? Would you tell us about that?

Harmony Niles 48:53
Yes, well, really, it's more of a gift for me, and a gift for her.

Harmony Niles 48:58
Because what I'm offering is to have a structured conversation around exploring your core erotic things. And in this, I would want to hear about my clients' fantasy, or maybe a few fantasies, preferably even something that they've held for a long time, something long cherished, maybe that they remember from when they were young, something that's kind of a reliable turn on for them. And once we talk about that, then I'd love to be able to give them some insight into how they might create this in their lives, how they might talk about it with a partner, and what are some of the things that maybe they haven't seen it yet, that's part of their turn on? Because often there are details that we don't notice right away. That we might need, like an outside person to point out to us. Where we, we see like, Oh, that's a piece of it that I didn't actually realize was there. But it showed up in a couple of these different scenarios.

Candice Wu 50:09
Oh, that's so fun. Right, I can see where I might not be aware of some piece that's actually the piece that's bringing the excitement or the feeling.

Harmony Niles 50:19
Yeah.

Candice Wu 50:20
That's very interesting, right?

Harmony Niles 50:22
Yes. Well, I would love to be a person.

Candice Wu 50:27
You know, what were you gonna say?

Harmony Niles 50:29
I was, I was going to give an example.

Candice Wu 50:32
Oh, say that!

Harmony Niles 50:33
It is a conversation I had with a friend not too long ago, but he was telling me about a fantasy and then about one of his, like, hottest sexual experiences. And I noticed that in each of these things, are these stories, these scenarios, there was a third party disapproving, like, outside of the room or outside of the relationship. And I just pointed that out to him. And he was like, had so much surprise. He's like, Oh, my God. Yes. I didn't ever thought of that before. You know, so, it gave him something to think about like, what this like, third party disapproval? How much that is tied into his feeling of like transgression and hotness. And this is like, so exciting. Partly because it's pissing off someone else. And that's okay. Right? You know, like things like, guilt or anger or going against the rules, like, these are aphrodisiacs for a lot of people and there are sometimes ones that we don't recognize.

Candice Wu 51:45
That's great. Yeah, it is just painting such a picture of how we can accept so many parts of ourselves that maybe in daily social life, society that we don't bring out or see as, um, I don't know, socially palatable or desirable. But in this context, to be able to bring them to life, and feel that permission, to experience them. That's so powerful. Oh, thank you so much Harmony, is there anything else you'd like to share today with, with who's listening?

Harmony Niles 52:30
Here's something I realized and exploring some of my own fantasies, now I did this in a workshop that I was in, like, super long time ago, 10 years ago. And the assignment was I needed to write out three fantasies, and then bring them to class the next week, and share them with a partner. And the teacher just wanted us to have the experience of being honest and vulnerable. So, I got super into it. I wrote out these three fantasies. I was really excited about how different they were, I thought that I'm showing so much range here. And, and I wrote them really, really well. So, I was excited about the fantasies that I brought in. And then it was like, right before I needed to read them to a partner, and I'm looking over them. And I realized, wait a second, all three of them are cocksucking fantasies. You know, I thought they were so different.

Harmony Niles 53:40
Actually, literally about the same activity. But it was a very different flavors of that, you know, like, and one of them I was very dominant and another submissive, the other one was just kind of funny and wacky.

Harmony Niles 53:56
And I was a little bit like, not happy at first about this realization, it didn't feel feminist enough of me to have, all my fantasies be about cocksucking, you know, where they mostly culminate in someone else's orgasm and not my own. That didn't jive well with my feeling of, my desire around, my own empowerment around my feelings as a feminist. And so, I was like, what the hell, what's going on with me? For a little while, and I did a lot of, questioning around that, too. So it was really useful work for me to do. And I started to relate some of the feelings that I get from that activity to some of my own childhood experiences.

Harmony Niles 54:50
You know, apparently, I just like it, I have a cock fetish. And there's, also a way in which, to be a little bit ignored, or to be the tool for someone else's pleasure is really hot for me. And that does very much connected to, my experiences in childhood and feeling, ignored as a child, or, I needed to fight for approval, that I constantly needed to prove myself. And so in fact, I was often trying to prove myself trying to, prove how strong I am or how much I can take, wanting approval, but not wanting that approval to be easy. Like, I need to struggle around it.

Candice Wu 55:37
Right? It's funny because I'm hearing you put words to your experience, and I can completely, it's almost like I'm saying those words ago. I think we're, I can really relate to you on that same those themes. And that experience. And the other thing I was thinking was you shared that you weren't quite happy with. Noticing this part of yourself that seemed to go against the grain of girl feminists self, is how much we can judge our fantasies or make meaning of them. And I think they're embedded with meaning, but the meaning of just having that fantasy, and how it can rub against another part of you.

Harmony Niles 56:26
Exactly. And one of the things I like to talk to clients about is that when I see that they have some kind of something like that some activity coded to mean a certain thing. It's just a question that reality, like, does that really mean that, you know, does it mean that in some circumstances, but not others, you know, it just trying to bring a little bit more flexibility there. And especially this idea around like to be submissive or of service is a weakness is totally false. If for me, I was actually looking for a feeling of strength, that I'm the one who's strong enough to do this, you know, to provide this, to take this, whatever it is to be taken. And I think that many players who like to play the submissive side of the equation are looking for similar feelings. It's more about proving that they're strong than feeling weak or just feeling the tension between those two things.

Candice Wu 57:31
And that makes a lot of sense and connects me back with some of my own desires. With that, I think, feeling my own strength, feeling that I can, I can take it and also, can't quite put words at the moment, but I hear myself just repeating the words you said. But um, there's something about reclaiming. Maybe not reclaiming. But being in the strength and resilience that was there in me, all those years growing up, that I got ignored, and perhaps was used in a lot of ways emotionally or interactively, and to really step into the other side of that of feeling the strength and feeling that I did it and I can do it is extremely empowering.

Harmony Niles 58:32
I agree. For me now, in my sex and dating now. So, I know that this is a feeling that I like, that feeling of having to struggle, that feeling of needing to, like, prove myself or fight for attention. And I can bring just more consciousness to having that in a way that works, rather than a way that's going to be bad for the relationship or destroy the relationship.

Candice Wu 59:05
Oh, and what is, what do you mean by that, like, what works and what doesn't?

Harmony Niles 59:10
It might be like, I had a date with someone recently, where I took the movie over to his place, this foot fetish film that I was in a long time ago. He projected onto the wall, and I sucked his cock while he was watching it. And I felt like that was really hot for me. But it's that feeling of being the star that's on the screen, but also performing this service where I'm kind of being ignored, because he's watching the screen, there was just something about like, the different threads, and that that was a real turn on for me at the time. And I could create something to have that experience with him, which means I'm not like, kind of getting him to ignore me in other ways, which I think I haven't done before with other partners, you know, like, I've been not very accepting of attention when I get it. And so, that, you know, teaches people not to give me much attention, which then is you know, pleasurable and painful at the same time.

Candice Wu 1:00:18
Right.

Harmony Niles 1:00:19
So, now I'm trying to create those experiences and just more purely pleasurable ways.

Candice Wu 1:00:24
I get what you mean, I think I'm getting what you mean. Where it kind of comes out sideways, in the dynamic of the relationship in an unpleasant way, or maybe destructive way. Whereas it could be extremely pleasurable and fun, is that what you mean, to create it more intentionally?

Harmony Niles 1:00:43
It is. It's about like if I know the experience that I want to have, like an even be more accepting of what I might judges the negative aspects of that experience, like a desire to be ignored? How can I make that in a way that's going to be more fun, and be more contained, you know, like, so that's the this is the moment to have that experience. And then I don't have to be feeling it the rest of the time. You know, if I, if I really like to feel used, you know, I don't really want to feel used all the time.

Candice Wu 1:01:22
Right.

Harmony Niles 1:01:24
But I do want to feel us, so I can set it up in a way that's going to feel good to me.

Candice Wu 1:01:29
And it feels like the difference between it being a state of being in the dynamic versus that more isolated, set experiences.

Harmony Niles 1:01:41
And it's been separated from like, my sense of identity. Like if I'm being used, it's not because that's all I am, or that's all I'm good for or these other things that I might have it mean, it's because it's an experience, I'm just choosing to have in this container.

Candice Wu 1:02:00
And what I'm getting as well, or just what I'm thinking about, as we're talking about this is the amount of ownership and responsibility that goes into even saying that I want to be ignored, I like to feel ignored. And it turns me on. And that transition of resisting some of the pain and experiences that live in us. And not like not owning them not wanting to feel them at all, which I think is also you know, part of having boundaries and part of what we might need to and want to experience but where it turns over into, well, what if I do want that?

Harmony Niles 1:02:44
Yeah.

Candice Wu 1:02:46
And what if it is pleasurable in some way.

Harmony Niles 1:02:49
Another thing I've been thinking about in this topic is how, how there's this pleasure in that the poignancy of that kind of pain, that for you to take on an experience, like feeling ignored, you know, it is a turn on, and there's a pleasure there. And there's a little bit of like a, you know, like, it's like, it hurts so good. Now, feeling and letting that be okay, you know, it does. I don't think life is about, you know, being happy, happy, joy, joy all the time. It's, it's more about feeling like how pleasure and pain can be deeply intertwined. And that there's a real like, poignancy to the human experience, no, and suffering as part of that.

Candice Wu 1:03:45
Absolutely feels like the fullness, and the dimension of the pleasure and pain being together.

Harmony Niles 1:03:52
Some of the moments I've felt the most alive have been in BDSM contacts where I'm going through extreme pain. And, like, the just the feeling of intensity, the feeling of aliveness. It's like a pleasure that's better than pleasure. You know, it's like an orgasm beyond bodies.

Candice Wu 1:04:16
I can feel that as you're saying, and I can relate to it. And the thing I'm thinking now is when was the last time I checked in with my fantasies? And it feels, it feels almost like, such a healthy thing to do, and a very connecting thing to do for me. Where right now I'm thinking, I feel quite disconnected at the moment from those parts of me. And yes, I've been tuning into more of like life fantasies, like what do I really want for my life? And what do I want to spend my time doing? And to connect back with. What are my sexual fantasies? It's like, it feels so essential at the moment, and yet, it's been some time to revisit them.

Harmony Niles 1:05:11
Yeah. You know, I honestly think it's one of those things that practice helps with too. Yeah.

Candice Wu 1:05:18
So, I think we do have a ritual.

Harmony Niles 1:05:23
I should. I'm going to go out and make one.

Candice Wu 1:05:27
Okay, great.

Harmony Niles 1:05:27
Yeah. A lot of people who say that they don't fantasize, do frequently, but it might be such a fleeting thoughts, you know, like the image that just kind of flips through your mind and is lost those, those dreams that we have in that space of being half awake, half asleep or over, you're not really paying attention. But your fantasies are there. So, the practice can just be like, bringing more attention, you know, when an image does arise, like, Oh, look at that! If I flushed that out more, what would that look like?

Candice Wu 1:06:05
That's great, that's really helpful.

Harmony Niles 1:06:06
Or you can even sit down daily and write something like, ooh, what would I want right now? If there was no shame, and nothing to hide? If I could have anything? Why would I want?

Candice Wu 1:06:21
Oh, that's great. I'm going to do that very soon.

Candice Wu 1:06:27
Well, thank you so much, Harmony! I've learned a lot about you and about what you're sharing. It's been really fun to dive into this with you and hear your stories as well. Where can people find you if they're interested in your work?

Harmony Niles 1:06:42
I would love for them to check out my website, kinkfromthecouch.com, and there's a contact form there. If they'd like to reach out to me, I'd be happy to have a 20-minute call, with anyone who's interested in exploring this type of work, maybe has more questions about it, or wants to know what I can be able to offer them. Then we can talk about that.

Candice Wu 1:07:07
Fabulous. Thank you. It's been such a pleasure.

Harmony Niles 1:07:11
Thanks for having me on.

Candice Wu 1:07:16
Thank you so much, Harmony, for being on the show with us today. And for all of you out there that are listening in getting curious with us and exploring your own sexual experience. I found it very exposing and vulnerable to share certain things on the show here today, even though I didn't share all that much. But to have Harmony on this show with her specific set of experiences and her comfort level was incredibly fun and offer the space of safety that I could even share some things here. It really speaks to the level of shame in our society that talking about our sexuality is such an important aspect of who we are, is so shameful sometimes or taboo or can bring shame. We're just having to release lots of layers of that shame in life now. It's like the most creative aspect of our lives. And here we are keeping that under wraps and feeling scared to share about them when we all have some aspect of our sexuality even if it's being a sexual to speak to about our experience. It's very normal.

Candice Wu 1:08:26
So, thanks for listening. I would love to hear your experiences, your thoughts, curiosities, and feel free to reach out to Harmony with exploring your core erotic themes. And you're more than welcome to reach out to me to share your experiences to gain further support or develop in your embodiment or to work with any trauma around sexuality, sexual experiences, your body. If this was fun for you, be sure to tune into the visualization experience that Harmony offers. It's about getting to the heart of your hottest sexual fantasy, where you'll dive into your hottest sexual fantasy, whether it's kinky or not. And Harmony will walk you through a Somatic a practice of embodying this fantasy that specific to you and zeroing in on the core erotic themes that really turned you on.

Candice Wu 1:09:18
Lookout for that later this week as it comes out on the podcast. And just to process this all, experiences like visualizing your hottest sexual fantasy don't always bring the inspiration or excitement and fun that we hope it to or that perhaps we'd like it to. I recognize it also can bring fear, anxiety, shame. It can trigger trauma or other experiences that have not been good around sexuality or the body. And that's why it's really important and helpful to have support. So, if that pertains to you, don't hesitate to reach out to Harmony or to me and we are connected with a whole network of health practitioners and embodiment coaches, therapists that can support with any of those experiences.

Candice Wu 1:10:10
So, as we close today, I wish you all have pleasure in your lives. If you'd like to stay connected to me, feel free to sign up for the bi-monthly newsletter that goes out with podcasts and self-love and healing tips as well as dream work courses and retreats, and other information of upcoming events. You can find that at CandiceWu.com/embody. And if you're on Facebook, you can join the Embody Community which is a place to have a community around healing and self-love. And I offer five to 10-minute videos from wherever I'm traveling or located at the moment to support embodiment. It was wonderful to be here with you today and to have Harmony on the show. Thanks so much and we'll see you next time on the Embody Podcast.

Candice Wu 0:00

Welcome to the Embody Podcast. Today, we have Harmony Niles on the show to share with you a visualization around the heart of your hottest sexual fantasy. This episode contains explicit and sexual language and may not be appropriate for all audiences or ages. So, please use your own discretion.

Hello, and welcome. You’re listening to the embody podcast, a show about remembering and embodying your true nature, inner wisdom, embodied healing and self-love.

My name is Candice Wu, and I’m a holistic healing facilitator, intuitive coach, and artist, sharing my personal journey of vulnerability, offering meditations and guided healing support, and having co-creative conversations with healers and wellness practitioners from all over the world.

Harmony and I had a fabulous conversation around dominance and submission, sexual fantasies, embodiment, the #MeToo movement, boundaries, and consent. You can find all of that on CandiceWu.com/harmony. So, find a place for yourself where you can tune in to this somatica practice of embodying your hottest sexual fantasy and connecting in on the core erotic feelings and experiences that truly turn you on. Here’s Harmony.

Harmony Niles 1:28

Hi, this is Harmony Niles with Kink from the Couch. I am a somatica practitioner in San Francisco. When you decide that you want to create your hottest possible sex life, your first step will be towards understanding what is truly hot for you, and you in particular. What is hot for you and all of the details? And underneath details, what is the emotional core there? What is the feeling that you truly want to feel? I’m going to walk you through a visualization exercise that will help you get down into the heart of your fantasies.

Now, I am taking this exercise straight from the somatica playbook. If you want to get live support in doing it, you could go to the Somatic Institute website and find a practitioner in your area. We all know this one, it is really core.

Put yourself into a comfortable position. Take a nice deep breath in, and as you let it out, just start to notice your body. How do you feel right now? Take another nice deep breath into your chest, and as you let it out, feel that going down into your stomach, down into your pelvis. One more breath in, and as you breathe out, feeling yourself getting heavier in your chair, sending your breath all the way down to your pussy or to your cock.

As you’re starting to really feel your body, I invite you to bring up a memory or a fantasy. Maybe it’s one of the hottest sexual experiences you’ve ever had, maybe it’s something you’ve always dreamed about having. Imagine something that you’ve had for a while maybe a memory that you cherish or a fantasy that’s always really worked for you, something that you find particularly arousing, reliably arousing. And as you’re starting to imagine this fantasy or remembering this experience, put your whole body and into it. Let it fill you up. Build the scene with as many details as possible. Where are you? Who is there with you? What does the environment look like? How does it smell? What are you wearing or not wearing? Who are the other players in this scene? What are they wearing? What do they look like? What is your relationship with those people? What are you all doing? Let yourself focus on this scene and zero into the thing that really turns you on about it, maybe you’re participating, maybe you’re just watching.

As you are seeing and experiencing the scene with as many details as possible, start to notice the feeling that you have. What really matters to you right now? Take a moment to notice that feeling that you’re feeling and give it a word, a name in your head. Make a little mental note. Now, it may be hard to pinpoint and that’s totally okay. I’m going to say some emotion words, and when you hear one that particularly resonates with you, just make a mental note of it, because maybe there are a few feelings going on, maybe those feelings are actually conflicting with each other in this moment, and that’s totally okay.

Maybe you feel loved, decorated, processed, beautiful, connected, cared for, alive, creative, pushed, received, dominant, collaborative, submissive, adored, worshiped, used, naughty, afraid, penetrated, adventuresome, ravished, seen, dissolved, impressive, united, spiritual, trusted, punished, capable, probed, exposed, out of control, open, accepted, powerful, free, not responsible, transcendent, appreciated, in control, generous, celebrated, violated.

Let yourself feel that feeling right now. Spread it through your body, even go back to the fantasy or the memory, and see what about it makes you feel that feeling, is it something in the actions, the environment, the relationship, as you build a good image and idea of what that feels like. Take another nice deep breath and come back to the room.

Congratulations on taking the first step towards understanding your core erotic themes. I hope you found it enlightening. The next step is to have a conversation about it. Go to my website at kinkfromthecouch.com and fill out the contact form. I will schedule a free call with you where I can help you learn to talk about your desires without shame. I can help you celebrate what you want in your sex life and move towards getting that.

Hope to hear from you soon.