The Deepest Form of Self – Love : Being YOU – EP8

Candice Wu 0:00

Hello, everyone! This is Candice Wu on the Embody Podcast, and today I am sitting in a little alcove in Kowloon, Hong Kong. It is my birthday today, it’s March 21, the first day of spring, I am 35 years old. And I, as I was meditating and going inside myself, I just felt that this message came through, and I wanted to record this special podcast to share this really special message with you today, probably a message that I’ve been holding for 35 years inside my being. And it is the essential part of what I want to bring to the world, the message that I have to everyone and most of all to myself, something that I challenged myself to step into all the time.

Candice Wu 0:54

This podcast is about loving your voice, becoming fully self-expressed, which is the deepest form of self-love is coming into your entire being. So, as you can hear around me, there are different birds, there’s construction, there are cars moving by, and I hope that you enjoy this background music as I’m here, these backgrounds sounds as I’m here, in this little park. Oh boy, there’s a lot going on.

Candice Wu 1:27

So, my message to you today is to really challenge yourself, ask of yourself to step into the deepest form of loving yourself, healing all of the betrayals that you might have internally and bringing your true self to life. As they begin this podcast, I’m actually watching somebody empty the trash. That’s the noise that you’re experiencing around me, and it’s quite perfect because, in a way, it’s like emptying what’s not really working for us in our life. And that’s part of what this podcast is about.

Candice Wu 2:10

I know now that the scariest things to speak about or to do, are the ones that I must do. The things that bring me fear or resistance are the things that are actually so true to the core of my being. And I’m constantly challenged by my partner to just express these things, just put them out there, and I spent a long time of my life keeping all of this in. And my message to you today is this, what you have to say is absolutely essential. You have a specific gift, a specific way of being a message, and a specific way to share it, to express it or to show it.

Candice Wu 2:56

So, what has been an area that you have felt shame or self-consciousness about? Are there places of your expression that you have felt brought you fear or stopped you in your tracks? Sometimes, I’ve expressed things and I’ve felt brutally hurt or wounded and I just took them away inside, and it was those very things that were so close to who I was and who I am. That that was the reason they were wounded because it meant something. So, are there areas that you have felt hurt or wounded, or scared to share? Things that you’ve had in a way or said that this is for you when you’ve made enough money or when you have the time. Take a look at your journals, your notes, scraps of paper. How you have spent your time? Where you feel most alive but perhaps are not giving much attention to? In my looking at this, I’ve asked myself, “How have I betrayed myself?

Candice Wu 4:07

And this is something you can ask yourself, “What do you spend your time doing to ignore your soul, your soul’s calling, your soul’s truth? Where do you spend most of your time and what drains you? What are the obligations that you fill up in your life so that you can keep on avoiding what it is that is true or truth?” Other ways to look at what your soul calls you to do are to notice your dreams. If you do and remember them, what are your dreams about?

Candice Wu 4:38

For a while, I was dreaming about Thailand, and just seeing the rice paddies in the river in Chiang Mai, and I had never dreamed about a specific location before other than like my home or someone else’s home. But this was specific, a specific country and I had no idea for some time why I was dreaming about it. And as I explored it, every time I thought about Thailand, it meant freedom. And it doesn’t mean that I had to go to Thailand to get my freedom, but eventually, it really felt that I was being called to go there.

Candice Wu 5:12

Another experience of dreaming was for maybe two years, I’ve been dreaming about getting rid of all my belongings, even having the fantasy that I’d have a fire and that all my belongings would just disappear, and I’d start fresh, I’d start light with very, very little with me, nothing with me, really. But when I thought about doing that, my egos reaction was, “No, not my stuff! I don’t want to get rid of my stuff.”

Candice Wu 5:41

So, what are your dreams? And what are your daydreams? Where does your mind go? Chances are that these are the keys to where some of your gift, your passion, your desire, or your Dharma, your purposeful path, or journey in life lies. These are all situations and experiences that show you what is a part of your truth, your voice, your essential being. In my opinion, you have to share this, it’s the essence of you. And for me, a core piece of my soul feels like it’s dying when I don’t, when I hide myself or ignore these bits of truth, these desires that I have inside.

Candice Wu 6:27

On the other hand, you obviously have the choice to share your gifts or not, or to even give any attention to them or not, a choice of which parts of you get to live, the fear and the maintenance of the life you have, the ego that tells you that this earthly life is important, these daily tasks are important, to-do lists or the perfectionism that makes you want to withdraw and not go for it. Perhaps it’s important to maintain the facade or the image that you’ve kept up. Maybe that’s the choice that you want. But isn’t it just important to know what you’re doing, and to know what you may be ignoring or what you may be hiding?

Candice Wu 7:13

So, as I think more about my purpose, it is something that makes me feel like me. What part of you or what activities, what way of being makes you feel like you, like completely yourself? And if you ignore this, or don’t give any attention to it, what part of you dies? Will you accept dying in this way? Would you agree to this kind of death? Sounds like a very slow and painful death to me, which is the life had been living for many years.

Candice Wu 7:49

My friend Andrew Royal, who is in Milwaukee, as a psychotherapist says to me this quote, “This is how I will die.” And he uses that line for almost everything he does when he makes a choice, or when he has a thought or when he chooses to express himself or not, even a simple action. He has thought about, “This is how I will die. And I’m okay with that.” And I really like that.

Candice Wu 8:19

My message today is not a message of pushing away and rejecting who you are today, the life you’ve created, what fears that you have, and who you are with those fears. It’s really about honoring those parts of you that are already here, and more. More of you, the parts of you that you’ve kept away, it’s time to bring them out into the light instead of letting them die that slow death internally. Is it a coincidence that we see death all around us? On a spiritual level, this can be seen as a message to us, a reminder of death, a reminder of life then, because death forces the knowledge of life and what’s living, and what will not live anymore, what is dying, what will soon die.

Candice Wu 9:09

And this type of group processing that I’m involved with called Group Relations or Tavistock, or if we look at Shadow Work, in Yang Yin theory and psychology, the destruction that surrounds us, that we allow that we partake in or that we’re bystanders, too, or that we’re even stepping up to speak out against, perhaps we need to see it, to come to some strength and truth within, to compel us sharply and fiercely into who we need to become in ourselves. That, which we cannot wait any longer to do.

Candice Wu 9:48

So, I asked you, when will it be more or equally important to share who you are, who you truly are, more important than money, to-do list, the image that you’re holding up? When does dying for your passion, for a purpose come into play? I think about movies of war when men and women have gone to war and chosen that they will die for a certain cause or a belief set that they are truly wholehearted in. And at least from the fantasies that I have seen about, in the movies I’ve seen, it touches me really deeply to feel their conviction and their commitment, the thing that they believe in, that they’re just driven by that thing that is beyond this life, beyond the human form, the idea or the truth, that they feel entirely given to surrendering to.

Candice Wu 10:49

To me, that’s a life worth living, and that’s a life worth giving to where you’re following your potential and you’re being in what you specifically came here for. And this is a call to you to be truly yourself, shamelessly, congruently and wildly, only the way that you know how to do it. Your dream and your yearning do not have to be giant, or outlandish or crazy, doesn’t have to be a big idea or a big thing. Don’t pressure yourself that way to be more or less than you already are. What you want, who you are, is already there. It’s already living in you. It’s just about allowing it to be seen, grounding yourself in your body, healing what’s in the way or what parts of you are stuck in time, stuck in the past, stuck in pieces of trauma, or unfinished, incomplete experiences. It’s about tuning into right now and creating a relationship with yourself, loving yourself deeply so that your body and soul communicates its wisdom to you easily. And do listen.

Candice Wu 12:08

There’s communication back and forth, a loving one, versus one of resistance and pushing away. Your dream can be simply knitting or having a yarn shop, it can be taking photographs in your backyard, gardening, or having chickens, minimizing your space and cluttering. It can be about speaking truthfully, from your heart, to those that you love, or being a mother or father. It can be so simple. Also, when we embrace the potentiality of ourselves and integrate more of who we are, at the truest levels, it is full of ease, not force, not pushing. It’s with wholeness and acknowledging all the parts of us because there’s a purity to the desire and purpose, there’s a fullness and expansion that’s already there, with what’s completely true and congruent to you, and only you.

Candice Wu 13:05

There’s no need to force or to pry, to white knuckle it, or to even reject, and disown other parts of us, that may be fearful or may be very present in our lives now. And as you think about this, does judgment or fear of what others will think about you stop you? If so, you’re not the only one, it has definitely stopped me at times. And it’s something I still work on with every single step I take. Some things are easier now than before and I certainly have experienced my fear and my emotions differently than I used to. But with an especially new challenge or taking myself into new territory, there’s still self-judgment that I project on to the outside world, and worry that others will judge me. So, I work on that within myself, and I get support. The truth is, it doesn’t matter what people think. It’s important to be in your full expression just for you, and that you matter.

Candice Wu 14:09

In the tantric philosophy, we exist as consciousness knowing itself. Consciousness wants to live and know itself in all of its possibilities, and all of its expressions. That’s the essence and meaning of “Om om,” the sound that we chant in yoga classes, “Om” meaning all possibility, all probability. So, whatever is important or alive to you right now, today is what is here, what’s coming through you, and what’s essential to the present, what’s essential to your life, and perhaps even those around you. Sometimes, that includes what’s been stuck in time in your soul, what’s in the past, but felt now and coming up now.

Candice Wu 14:59

Forget what other people think about what you’re doing or expressing to the degree that it’s helpful and respectful to yourself, to the degree that it honors you. If you’re coming from a place of love and awareness in you, that’s all you need to focus on. We need to start valuing our own experience and existence as important and worthy. You are able to witness value and validate yourself and bring yourself to life. Right now, you may not know your larger purpose, your life purpose or your soul’s desire on the whole, but it doesn’t matter. You can know what’s right now, the first step, the opening.

Candice Wu 15:43

For me, it was noticing the dreams of decluttering and getting rid of all my stuff, and just seeing what that was all about, exploring it. It didn’t mean I had to get rid of all my stuff. It just meant, “see what this is about Candice.” And at that time, I didn’t know what I needed to. A lot of times our soul gives us messages, and we don’t know why. For me, I wasn’t ready to face the fact that I deeply wanted to explore an adventure through traveling, it brought way too much fear. After all, I came from a Chinese family that was poor, my great grandparents starved to death in China. Luckily, my grandpa survived. My grandparents on my father’s side seem to feel like they were never enough. And even to the degree that my great grandma would eat every single grain of rice, recycle all the bits of scrap paper and fabric. And while this was resourceful, it also seemed to come from a place of not having enough and pinching pennies.

Candice Wu 16:45

My grandma on the other side of my family, my mother’s side tells me that even learning how to clean dog poop rice, rice that had been pooped on is a good skill to have. Why? Because you might need to, and she had to. My fear was far beyond what happened to my family lineage. It was the belief that didn’t shut itself when times changed. And that my ancestry didn’t shed that belief when times changed.

Candice Wu 17:18

Growing up, my father encouraged me to make money to have stability and security. So having a job as an art teacher, well, that didn’t quite make sense to him, that I wasn’t going to be making enough money and his standards. It was something, it gave me health insurance, it gave me consistent employment that I could count on, for the most part. Well, my joy didn’t quite matter. Luckily, my mom was always about following your heart. However, that wasn’t so easy, because I didn’t see her do that until my late 20s. Not that all of these stories were everything but the family lineage and seeing my parents, and what they were sharing with me was the first way of knowing how to be in this world, coming into this family. And then not to mention societal consciousness, the beliefs that society holds, or at least the ones that I directly experienced, that brings another dimension of fear and conditioning.

Candice Wu 18:26

So for me, the realization that I wanted to travel brought so many fears. How could I travel and make a living? How could I have enough? How could I be enough to have it was I worthy of it? It was completely outside of my family’s scope of how life worked, what you could do with life, and what it meant to be successful. So, I did the best thing, I ignored it, and hit this part of me for almost 20, some 25, 27 years.

Candice Wu 18:59

That worked for some time, but I couldn’t help but feel trapped in different career situations, even when they were fabulous, and it made amazing experiences. As I did more healing work on my previous trauma and releasing the fears that lived in my body, the beliefs that I had inherited in my ancestry, to even know that those existed, and to bring them to light with love. All of that helped me to begin seeing that I was a part of this whole universe, that I wasn’t as separate as I thought, and I was a piece of this universe as complete possibility.

Candice Wu 19:43

And I mean that on a very deep and powerful level, on levels that I’ve not yet tapped into. And yes, I mean, the levels of levitation and getting stabbed in the gut with a knife and not bleeding it all kind of thing, or manifesting honey dripping from a Buddha sculpture out of nowhere, manifesting things that my mind does not comprehend are possible or doing things that I don’t think are possible, things I’ve heard about, and that I’ve learned the beginnings of the pathway to those, but I don’t know that in my body yet. But doing those things don’t really mean anything to me, other than experiencing the marvel of the power within me. What matters to me is the storehouse of love and power in me specifically that wants to express itself, the consciousness of a particular kind that I hold in my very being, in my very existence, at the core.

Candice Wu 20:46

And so for me, I could begin to take those steps of expressing from a pure place of my being by accepting and healing all the fears that came up in me, knowing myself on the level of another belief set, one that came from love, loving, and potentiality. And each step I took with that, I saw more and more of my vision, I saw more and more of my gifts and truth, myself in the moment, and being present for what I’m here for. So, I realize I’m here to experience, to live and to love fully, to feel everything I can. And I mean everything, I even enjoy feeling sadness, and anger, and joy and delight.

Candice Wu 21:38

I’m here to adventure and claim all the power within and to feel completely connected with those around me, connected to the universe. I’m here to integrate all the possibility that I am, and to support and inspire others and seeing and loving themselves to give themselves over to themselves. So, what are you here for? Be direct with yourself, forthcoming, clear the illusions and cut through the layers of protection, and also honor that they’ve existed there to help you for some time, to begin with. Do you need this protection anymore? How much of it do you need right now? Having gentleness and compassion is really good for the path of coming to yourself.

Candice Wu 22:28

There’s no time to waste on getting started, noticing that there is even something in you that calls to you is step one, the awareness. This has its own transformative power. And the more we give ourselves to the things that are just keeping our lives afloat, sustaining us, sustaining our work life or image with our colleagues, the more we’re colluding with a false life. The more we’re colluding with betraying ourselves at a very deep level, we are commingling with fear, married to fear and dishonoring ourselves at the deepest level.

Candice Wu 23:13

If you’re already in your dream life, that is truly your present-day fullness and desire, good, great! If you’re not, great, because you have the most beautiful opportunity here to become yourself. If you feel a spark here with what I’m saying, take it and run with it. Do something to cultivate the deep inner longing that you have. Notice the seed that has been planted. You can pretend to ignore this but your soul won’t, your body won’t. Your body won’t lie to you. This is one major reason why we get sick. This is disease.

Candice Wu 23:56

When you put aside a part of yourself that feeds you, that is you, that is your soul and you let it rot, you let it decay and die, that’s when we get sick. If we ignore the part of us that makes us wildly ourselves. So, if this inspires you, I am so excited for you. Feel free to reach out to me if you have any questions or want support on this journey.

Candice Wu 24:22

And let me take a moment to share with you the Ally with Death Visualization Experience. This is something I designed with the inspiration of the Shaman’s death, and Ana Forrest’s death meditation. It’s a ritual to get you fearlessly and deeply to your aching desires. So, if you want to explore, the yearning is behind your existence, the voice that you truly are, what you truly yearn for, I have this experience for you. It’s a guided online process that brings you to break and dismantle the armor of the life you created. And to shift you into seeing what the truth actually is for you.

Candice Wu 25:10

It leads you through a simulation of your death in 10 hours, exploring what you regret, what you ache for, and what you need to do to live, what’s worthy of your life, what’s worthy of living, what needs to end and die and what you would feel alive in. It inspires and guides you to embody the shifts that need to happen for you to live, to actually live. It will soon come with an audio that guides you through the entire process and you can even share with me in a brief consultation session what comes up and explore your next steps.

Candice Wu 25:47

So, this work is my soul’s true calling, to be on the journey with you and exploring you being you. That’s why the name of my practice is called Embody Your Nature. I offer individual session packages and group intensive and there’s one coming up in May 2018 that uses ancestral healing as a platform for your specific intentions of being yourself, loving yourself or stepping into something. If this especially resonates with you, you might be someone who would be perfect for the Soul Body Retreat. This retreat is for women, it’s an October 2018 in Zion National Park. For the men, I have other referrals for you. But this retreat is about sinking soul and body to realize yourself, to feel like yourself, heal and create wildly from your heart, from your soul, from love.

Candice Wu 26:44

So, today, I will leave you with a quote that a friend of mine has on her wall in her home. This friend is Rachel Huttner, she is actually somebody that I’ve interviewed in a podcast previously. She has on her wall the quote, “Be faithful to that which exists nowhere but within yourself.” This quote is by André Gide. “Be faithful to that which exists nowhere but within yourself.” Such a good reminder for all of us.

Candice Wu 27:19

Before you leave, I’d like to invite you to subscribe to the weekly Embody Podcast at CandiceWu.com/podcast or learn more about me and get free healing resources on embodiment, meditations and self-love by going to CandiceWu.com/embody.

Candice Wu 27:37

And if you liked this, felt inspired or enjoyed previous episodes of the Embody Podcast, I could really use your support and help. I’d like to share these podcasts with a wider audience and also improve upon them. So, I greatly appreciate your words of feedback in a review on
Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or Stitcher. You can go to CandiceWu.com/podcast/review to get all the instructions on how to leave a review. I’d really appreciate that and see you next time.

Candice Wu 28:09

With deep love and gratitude, thank you for joining me today.