Shifting Out of Self-Betrayal – EP10

Candice Wu 0:00

Hello, and welcome to the show today. This is the Embody Podcast, and I am Candice Wu.

Candice Wu 0:05

Today I’d like to talk about the theme of self-betrayal. I’m recording from Bali, Indonesia. I’ve just arrived a couple of days ago, and I’m still adjusting mainly to the temperature because I was in Hong Kong, which is a bit cooler. And prior to that, I was in the states and it’s wintertime there. So, snow freezing, boots and gloves, and now I’m in this 90 some degree weather with humidity that’s just dripping off my body. But it is beautiful. Right outside my doorstep here there’s a waterfall. There is a very local and small town “North Kuta”. And I’m adjusting to the currency, I’m adjusting to the foods and learning about the language, and learning to speak the language.

Candice Wu 0:53

The theme of self-betrayal has been sticking with me since last week and has been on my mind for some time. But last week, I recorded a birthday podcast about living the life that you were born here for. And the idea that we have turned against ourselves at some point in time. I looked up betrayal in the Thesaurus and I got these words, deception, treachery, faithlessness, duplicity, falseness, double-dealing, and all of these sounds so painful when I read them.

Candice Wu 1:30

When we think about the trail, we often think about being betrayed by someone else, in a relationship of some sort, where somebody does something that we feel has really hurt us to the point that we feel they have deceived us or been untrue to us in some way. But where does self-betrayal come into play? I think about self-betrayal in terms of not speaking your truth, not living what you’re here for, not living what your gifts are, living a life that’s not yours, a life that you think you should live, or that people have told you is the good life, or that others deem as valuable. And yet, you’re here and you have a specific set of values and beliefs. And some of those are hidden, or some of those you’ve left behind, or forgotten about.

Candice Wu 2:28

And to me, that is a turning against yourself, that is a self-betrayal. In a way that’s living a false life or death two parts of your soul, but it’s also complex. There may be parts of you that feel expressed, and other parts of you that don’t. This topic is so interesting because what are the parts of you that you feel have been turned against, inside of you? What parts of you feel they need some expression and haven’t gotten the airspace, or the time or the love and nourishment?

Candice Wu 3:03

Self-betrayal might also come in terms of being in a relationship that doesn’t feel right or that somehow goes against something in you that you haven’t felt has the space to be heard or talked about or that you’re treating your body poorly, and not giving its full nourishment and movement that it needs. Perhaps it shows up in ways of your space around you, where you’re living in a place that doesn’t feel good, or that your home space is completely a disaster. And you don’t honor your space, just like you might honor your interior space. Perhaps that spaces are a reflection of something that’s going on inside. Maybe not, but I believe that all of these thoughts are interesting to look at. And they give you some clues as to where in your life there is betrayal of yourself, where can you feel even truer to yourself and even more loving of yourself that you bring all the parts of you forward.

Candice Wu 4:07

One of the most interesting things about self-betrayal is not only the aspect of turning away from yourself or not choosing yourself, but perhaps there’s a second layer of lying to yourself. That’s where the words deception, treachery, falseness, duplicity come into play that perhaps there’s a way that you trick yourself into believing that what you are choosing now or have chosen is actually okay. And to some parts of you, that may be the truth that may be working for some parts of you.

Candice Wu 4:43

But for other parts of you, perhaps those parts have been lied to. And for me, it’s not interesting necessarily to berate yourself or criticize or be hard on yourself about that. But to see it, to reveal it, and bring some love into that question, and see why you’ve been doing that. What makes it worthwhile to other parts of you that you turn against certain parts of you? There was a time I was in a relationship where, in the end, I felt very betrayed by the partner. And as I looked deeper, it was that I betrayed myself, to begin with, in the very beginning of the relationship, I wasn’t so sure about making a commitment, I was exploring, dating and being with many people, having fun and just being light about my relationships.

Candice Wu 5:40

But I really liked this person. And when they, I had the sense that they really wanted to be in a committed relationship, instead of honoring the other part of me that still wanted freedom and to explore and to meet many people, they chose a monogamous relationship. And it seemed like I had sacrificed the part of me that wanted the freedom, that I had chosen over that. And so it’s quite complex. It’s not all or nothing. But in this case, it became all or nothing, I chose to be completely monogamous. And in the end, I felt that the person that I was with was quite critical of me for certain feelings that I had for other people or connections that I had, even if they weren’t romantic. And when I looked into what was it for me, it felt like I had criticized that part of me, and chosen what most people choose in this situation when they like somebody. And it didn’t honor what I really wanted, or didn’t take a little longer to let all the other parts of me get on board.

Candice Wu 6:48

I even found very subtle ways that I was betraying myself, for example, staying on a newsletter email list, because I didn’t want the person to feel that I was rejecting them. But I didn’t really like the content that they were putting out. Or staying on the phone a little too long even when I knew I was a bit tired, and I was ready to shift gears with staying on so that I didn’t upset the other person. All of these are ways in which I protect others, but deep down protecting myself from perhaps others reactions of me, or my own power, because if I direct my energy inward to where my desires are, and what I truly want to express and do, then there’s a lot of energy and a lot of space. And what kind of power does that bring?

Candice Wu 7:43

In a way that’s quite scary, because I don’t know. And because it could mean that I expose myself in different ways in new ways, or I share different parts of me or that I see different parts of me. So, if you look even deeper into why you choose to turn against aspects of yourself or parts of yourself, you might ask yourself, “When was the first time you remember experiencing this, when was the earliest time? What happened then?” And at that time, was it perhaps helpful for you to choose someone or something else besides what you truly wanted or needed, perhaps it was a way you protected yourself or protected another person.

Candice Wu 8:28

In the family constellations healing work, we talked about loyalties, where the hidden loyalties meaning where they’re unconscious ways that we are loyal to someone else, or someone else’s ideas or values, so that we stay in connection with them, or that we stay in the circle of belonging. So, perhaps your pattern, if you do see, you have this pattern of turning against yourself or betraying yourself. And I mean, your true self, what’s really your core being. If you have that pattern, you might look deeper and see where the loyalties are in terms of your family system, your early life, or who else is in your family system that may have had a similar path. In constellations healing work, there is the idea that if somebody is excluded, silenced, or outcasted in a family system, someone in the later generations may be bonded with that person, so that everyone can belong, so that there’s love and peace with everybody.

Candice Wu 9:36

Another way that we may be bonded or loyal to someone else in the system is if somebody suffered a hardship, trauma or loss, that was so hard to bear at that time, that instead of experiencing all the pain that this actually brought, or the sadness or the anger or any tough feeling, that they contained that and repress that, so that they could get through life, and they could survive their experience. And that sort of repression, then transfers itself, downward to the later generations. We inherit the experiences, the feelings, and the words of those before us that didn’t get to truly, fully experience it. So, if somebody did not get to speak and feel into the words of their own sadness, or their own fear, or their own not-enoughness, for whatever reason, that was, those words, and feelings get passed down in the whole system, so that somebody else later can resolve that, and the soul, the family can resolve it through the later generations, the younger people.

Candice Wu 10:53

Another aspect of family systems is that there’s a way in which we learn that we can belong, and feel worthy of love, in a certain system, a certain community, our family, and when we feel that unconsciously as children, we just do it, we just buy in, because we need that safety, we need the love and protection, and we need to be in to belong. So, we typically do everything we need to just stay in. And sometimes that means we hide or discard or put away parts of us so that we fit in, that we feel we are able to be loved and valued. And those parts of us that we put away, usually are the parts that are meant to be treasured, that are our gift, or some aspect of us that’s just different.

Candice Wu 11:48

So, think back, have you had experiences where you brought a certain aspect of yourself forward, some part of you that you may have loved or liked, or even felt was important to you, and perhaps you got a reaction from someone that was either just interested, or they did not like what you had to say, or perhaps they weren’t ready to hear or didn’t understand. And you could have perhaps internalized that with some shame, some feeling that this wasn’t okay, or that it was frowned upon or not approved of, not liked. And sometimes that’s enough to squash a part of us that’s vulnerable or intimate, or that really is part of our essential being.

Candice Wu 12:34

So, to take a really deep level of responsibility, ask yourself, “Where have you turned against yourself? What are the experiences that you’ve had that have left you feeling like some part of you is not okay? Or is not likable? Or isn’t enough? And what are the beliefs that underlie that, that you perhaps came in with, with that were mirrored to you in certain situations, to show you these aspects of yourself, to show you where your attention has been placed?” And as we’re speaking to this, none of this is a reason to be hard on yourself or to shame yourself more. It’s all a practice to notice and be aware of where your beliefs have been, and where your attention has been identified with in terms of these beliefs.

Candice Wu 13:30

And what you can do now is accept that they’re here, explore them with love, and with curiosity and play, and notice the essence of what you’re here to learn with these experiences. So, if you have a relationship where you’re feeling betrayed, take that level of responsibility and ask: “Were you betraying yourself?” If you are treating your body in a way that you know is not right. What’s the core of that? What are the beliefs behind your body, yourself, your worthiness? Notice, what it is that you’re here to learn spiritually? Are you somebody that just books themselves way too full, and never has any alone time? Or perhaps you’re saying that you never have time to do your favorite things or the things that would be peaceful and fun.

Candice Wu 14:29

Is that for you a form of betraying yourself? Betraying an aspect of you that really needs that nourishment, space, time, we’re in a reflection. If you have a dream of achieving a certain something or living in a certain way, or just taking even a small action, notice where there is self-betrayal, notice where the essence of your learning is here. Why have you betrayed yourself? And where’s the root of that? And as you explore all these topics, all these aspects, feel it fully. Feel the emotions and the body sensations that come up with that. Notice the way you act in those situations. And when it is exactly that you make the choice to do something other than what your heart or your soul truly desires.

Candice Wu 15:23

This is where the embodiment piece comes in, versus just thinking about it and using only your head to make a change. But to let your whole body experience the beliefs that are behind the self-betrayal, the belief that perhaps you’re not enough or not worthy, or that you can only feel love if your mom looks at you a certain way, or that you depend on certain people for certain things, and until that happens, you can’t do x, y, and z.

Candice Wu 15:52

So, check yourself and then feel through all of those emotions that come up, with some forgiveness, and acceptance. And also, remember that who you have been doesn’t necessarily create who you are today, or who you will be in the future, you have everything to gain from this moment forward. And you do not have to be loyal to the ways of your past self. Although, notice if you berate your past self, if you criticize or judge yourself for the actions you’ve taken in the past. On some level, it is a form of self-betrayal to hate yourself or be so angry or judgmental with yourself for decisions you’ve made in the past, or ways of being that you were in the past.

Candice Wu 16:43

Is there a place to stand behind yourself, your past self, where you’ve made the best choice you’ve could in that situation, or that you protected yourself in a certain way and that it’s understandable? How can you bring love and compassion, and forgiveness to yourself to the situations in the past that you’ve made those choices that have gotten you here today?

Candice Wu 17:09

I’d like to leave you with a quote by Anais Nin. And the quote is, “And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” This quote seems to really reflect what I’m offering you here today is to truly notice what it’s been like to be in this way of being, in this one possibility of your being that has turned against yourself or that has betrayed yourself, or certain aspects of yourself. What is the experience of that?

Candice Wu 17:46

And also, as you feel into the parts of you that you’ve hidden away, or that really want expression, would that have been dying on the inside, that the pain or the experience of not expressing those parts of you, not giving them life becomes more painful than living out the way that you’ve already lived. That’s the quote, “And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”

Candice Wu 18:21

Thank you so much for listening in on the Embody Podcast today. I really appreciate you being here. And as always, I’m here to support you on your journey through embodiment and healing. And if you have any feedback about this episode, questions or experiences that you want to share, please do feel free to reach out to me.

Candice Wu 18:40

You can find more podcasts on my website, CandiceWu.com/podcast. And if you want to be included in my newsletter with lots of healing tips, meditations, and events, as well as updates, please go to my website at CandiceWu.com/embody.

Candice Wu 19:01

If you do like what you’ve heard today, I would greatly appreciate if you would leave a review, sharing what you experienced or the inspiration that you received or any feedback so that I can improve on future podcasts.

Candice Wu 19:14

Thanks again, and see you next time on the Embody Podcast.