My Invisible Bond With My Grandfather's Fears and Losses
For most of my life I had been sunk with the fear of lack in all its many forms. Of money, of food, a lack of love, a lack of time. The fear would come in times of prosperity and in times of struggle, seemingly not in any way attached to my reality, but snagged like an anchor inside of me. Recently, this fear had emerged in a new form, had become not just a concern for the present, but a fear that in the future, I won't have enough. It manifested like an eyelash in my eye, the constant nagging sense of needing to make more money, or to hoard now so that I could be set for the future; the haunting sense that nothing would ever be enough.
It was true. No amount of material wealth would ever be enough to satisfy the needs of my soul.
There is a story in family that I was told of my grandpa being “sold” for money when he was five years old. I heard how my great-grandmother, the woman I lovingly call Wok Wok, took him in as her own.
As I set up a Family Constellation around this story of money in my family line, what came through was the enormous amount of visceral grief I was holding around my grandpa’s loss of his own mother and the disconnection with his father, as well as my own loss. I never had the chance to know my biological great-grandmother or great-grandfather. This was a heartbreaking cutoff of love and resource for the whole family ancestry.
Sensing through the grief, I now embrace my great-grandparents’ presence and feel their love. My grandfather, who seemed to have been stuck in time as a 5 year old who had devastatingly lost his parents, who lived the true context of the belief that in the future, I won't have enough. Looking back on my grandpa’s story, it seems clear that no person or thing could be enough to replace his parents’ love and that the terrifying fear of not having enough in the future, was his.
Grandpa, I’ve carried your fate for so long, and now I honor yours by leaving it with you. I see that it is your fear that I’ve carried and I no longer need to carry it. I see your parents behind you, carrying your loss with you. As I see you and my great-grandparents now, I see love, and as I face my future, it is full of love.
Healing Invisible Bonds
My own personal story and the stories of the many for whom I have facilitated Family Constellations Healing Sessions has given me insight into the possibilities of why we often feel negative emotions without understanding the root cause. As children, we often know just the right role to step into and we unconsciously believe that the way to love is to fill these roles or to carry others' suffering. While this takes a toll and often begins to be problematic (physical and emotional symptoms, repeated life challenges, fears and critical beliefs manifest), the symptoms are beacons to lead us to know more about ourselves and the souls of our family systems.
I’ve created a list here, of events in the soul of a family which can be the context for any of your fears, patterns, and dynamics in your life, specifically affecting abundance, love, and money. How your family has integrated loss affects whether you carry the story of those before you. If your family has not yet integrated the losses within their lives, the energy of these are passed down in the very DNA of the younger generations. The unintegrated stories yearn to be known.
What I have found most beautiful in this process is that anything that happened in your family’s history can be healed in the present for those dead and alive, and especially for you. In my case, I had no idea that exploring my fears around money would lead me to a big treasure: reconnection with my great grandmother, and an abundance of love and truth. This healing can provide the opportunity to let go of inherited grief and create space for restoration of love moving through you and powerful new connections in your future.
Here are 20 invisible bonds that can affect abundance of love or money in your life:
1 A difficult relationship with your mother or father, biological or adoptive, or difficult relationships between children and parents in the family line
2 Being “parentified” or feeling responsible for your parent’s or parents’ feelings, safety, and wellbeing
3 Disconnection in your relationship with your parent or any child’s disconnection with parents in the family line
4 Feeling judgement, blame, or rejection towards your parents, the intense desire to be “not like my parents”
5 Abortions / Miscarriages in your life or in the family line
6 War, loss, bankruptcy, slavery, prostitution
7 Money was mismanaged or used improperly
8 Your parents or another couple in the family line were unhappy or separated with disrespect
9 You hurt someone and may be unconsciously sabotaging or punishing yourself (or a great hurt happened in your ancestry that you may be connected with)
10 A broken heart due to a lost lover or another loss and it is unresolved
11 Being closer to or favored by one parent or both
12 A suicide in the family system
13 Someone was cheated out of an inheritance or there was an unjust inheritance
14 A failure by a parent in providing affection or basic needs
15 You or your family had a gain at someone else’s expense, was taken advantage of or took advantage of someone, cheated or was cheated.
16 Someone was rejected as a loser, silenced, or outcast
17 Impoverished ancestors
18 Emigration or being forced to leave one’s country
19 Disruption of early childhood bonding and attachment
20 Early death
These dynamics can be untangled and healed in an embodied way through Family Constellations or Systemic Constellations Healing Work, healing yourself, the family ancestry, and the energy of abundance, love, and money in your lineage.