Candice Wu 0:00

In this podcast, Nick and I exchanged lively conversation about Family Constellations and Focalizing deaths, power to bring possibility and connection, how to move deeper than the mind for empowerment, trauma that isn’t ours, rules of belonging and the filters we live through.

Candice Wu 0:19

Hello and welcome. You’re listening to the Embody Podcast, a show about remembering and embodying your true nature, inner wisdom, embodied healing, and self-love. My name is Candice Wu, and I’m a holistic healing facilitator, intuitive coach, and artist sharing my personal journey of vulnerability, offering meditations, and guided healing support, and having co-creative conversations with healers and wellness practitioners from all over the world.

Candice Wu 0:56

This episode is sponsored by the Ally With Death Visualization experience. It’s an online do-it-yourself exploration of moving through what needs to be released and go in your life so that you can find your true reasons to live your purpose, and what feels like you, fresh and new, right now. If you’re feeling drained in your energy, or anxious and unsure about what next steps to take in your life, this is a great way to reset and to let the cycle of life, death and life, flow through you. So that you can move forward, refreshed and rejuvenated. You can find the whole experience at CandiceWu.com/death. And very soon, there will be an audio experience and audio-guided experience that brings you to the mood of the experience, as well as stirs you on the inside so that you can come to your truth.

Candice Wu 1:54

I’m totally geeked about having Nick Werber on the show. He is a friend of mine as well as colleague, and we just love talking about the nitty-gritty of Family Constellations and trauma, collective trauma, and other things that excite us like death. I know that sounds funny but we just love talking about all the ways that things can be interesting, healing, and powerful for us as beings, stepping forward in life. Nick and I clicked as soon as we met each other at a family constellations immersion through a mutual teacher that we have, Suzi Tucker. And our personal stories in this podcast as well as this conversation, give you a taste of how we invite each other to stay evolving and inspired.

Candice Wu 2:38

Nick brings a deep thoughtfulness and presence. He just brings a strength of holding space for healing, and those who work with him are given that space and safety to allow the deepest parts of their being to come into focus. Nick’s been working with advanced healing approaches for over seven years and his entry into the healing arts started with Focalizing, which will explain more in this podcast. And from there, a mixture of intuition and serendipity moved him to train with several world-renowned facilitators, Family Constellations, and Systemic Constellations.

Candice Wu 3:12

Along the way, he’s acquired a breadth of experience and certifications in Reiki, mutual awakening, Qigong, and other energy-based modalities. It’s even more special to have Nick on the show because he’s the musician that has generously offered his music for the intro and outros of this podcast. So you know, those sounds that you hear in the beginning and in between transitional spaces, that’s Nick’s music. I love this music, and I’m so appreciative that he lets us use it, and very excited to introduce Nick to you today. So without further ado, let’s jump into the conversation with Nick.

Candice Wu 3:50

It is my great joy to introduce a good friend and fellow colleague, Nick Werber. And Nick, I’m just so excited to have you today on the show. I just appreciate you as a friend, as a colleague. Someone who inspires me from miles away. Sometimes we’re on opposite ends of the world. But I learned something from you every single time I interact with you, whether that’s on Instagram or in a session of Family Constellations. And one of the things that I just really appreciate about you is your presence, in being present when you’re with me and when you’re with others. So I’m just thrilled to have you on the show today to talk about all things healing and anything inspiring to you.

Candice Wu 4:39

Welcome, Nick.

Nick Werber 4:40

Thank you, Candice. The feeling is mutual, and thank you for having me.

Candice Wu 4:44

Thank you. Well, I’d love for you to share a bit about how you see your work, what your work is, in terms of Family Constellations and Focalizing. You and I work very similarly and I’ve talked about Constellations on the show, but I think it’d be really fascinating and interesting to hear how you share what you do and how you see your work.

Nick Werber 5:07

Sure. I call myself an integrative coach and I work in New York City. I’ve worked in private practice, just south of Union Square. And what I do is I integrate a few different healing modalities to help people with, you know, various mental health challenges like anxiety or depression, or people suffering from trauma. And I integrate primarily Family Constellations with a modality called Focalizing.

Nick Werber 5:38

So the way I describe that is that I am working with people where we use Family Constellations to look at the past and where people come from. So understanding how people’s family system or their ancestral system actually plays a role in some of those present issues that they’re experiencing today. And then I tie in Focalizing, which is about exploring how we carry things in our bodies.

Nick Werber 6:08

So it’s kind of this, we look backward and understand what, you know, the events that kind of float into who we are today. And then, go into our body to understand what are the present experiences, and how are they like living within us. And I think that’s something that a lot of people might not connect to, is that so many mental health challenges really do have physical components to them. So instead of necessarily having to talk through it all, if you work on the physical aspects, and I don’t do that through touch, it’s just through mind kind of awareness. But if you can work on those physical aspects, that actually can create a quite profound change in a person’s mental state.

Candice Wu 6:59

Yeah, I have witnessed that in myself and in my clients. You and I actually work very similarly. But I think you bring something very special and how is it that you work with the physical sense and emotion, and how something’s carried in the body through Focalizing.

Nick Werber 7:22

One of the things I like to share about, it’s a very intention-driven process. On one hand, it can look a little bit like a guided meditation from the outside or someone might close their eyes. And I’m kind of helping facilitate them going inward and exploring what’s there. But the biggest difference, I believe, between meditation and what Focalizing is, is how intention-oriented it is.

Nick Werber 7:47

So every session starts with a goal. And throughout the session, we’re working towards that goal. One of the ways we do that is once someone is really connected to their body, just speaking that intention again, immediately allows the body to respond to it.

Nick Werber 8:08

So I’ll have someone repeat, my intention is to feel less anxiety at work. And they’ll immediately get this reaction from their body of, “Wow, there’s a lot of tightness in my shoulders.” or, “There seems to be this kind of strange swirling sensation that I’m noticing.” And then where we go from there is instead of talking about the stories about anxiety, now we’re working with the tightness in the shoulders, or we’re working with that swirling sensation.

Nick Werber 8:40

And so one thing I would say that is really powerful and helpful for people is, if you’ve ever noticed that telling and retelling a story of your past hasn’t been effective and creating a change in your life, that’s almost entirely what this work is founded on is, “Yeah, let’s move away from the story and actually work with what is, like, physically present.” And it’s amazing. Some people, or a lot of people, really fly with that and are able to make big changes when they get away from the stories.

Candice Wu 9:14

Beautiful. I think that’s so powerful to keep it really relevant, and then bring it into the body. What I find too, is that sometimes we just share the story and it just replays itself, and we find ourselves sharing the same story over and over, is related to what you’re talking about. It can also overwhelm the body and overwhelm the system, and re-traumatize in ways is what I’ve noticed.

Nick Werber 9:43

Definitely.

Candice Wu 9:44

Yeah, do you notice that, and I noticed that you work with overwhelm? How do you experience this and what do you do?

Nick Werber 9:52

Yeah, I mean, I think that’s kind of the issue sometimes with the stories is that, to retell them, gets you more stuck in them. What I would say is, I don’t want to say that our past and our stories don’t have value. Because I think, you know in the sessions that I do, I often start with a little bit of understanding of where someone’s coming from. But the way I see the role of that is that you’re almost, like, a conjuring of just a little bit of the feeling and the state of what you’re working with. And then, where I go from there is to guide people to not get stuck there, but to keep moving and finding resources that can come back to that story. So sometimes when we’ve gotten to the point of, let’s say, the past experience again is anxiety. I might guide them to feel, you know, what’s an area of calm that you feel in your body right now? You know, maybe we located the anxiety in someone’s shoulders as I shared. That they’re feeling particularly calm in their legs.

Nick Werber 10:56

And what will guide is a process of going back and forth, and I know in Somatic Experiencing this is called Pendulation. There’s not really a name for it. Maybe if there would be, like, working between polarities would be the way of calling and Focalizing, but we’ll move back and forth. And the whole point of that is if you’re moving, from that resource to that area of discomfort, it makes it much easier to be with the discomfort. And it sort of starts to take the wind out of it in a way. So each time you come back to it, you’re a little bit stronger, it’s a little bit less scary. And I would say another component of it is even bringing them together. What would it be like to actually move that calm to that area of tension and having them mix? And that, in my experiences, creates really incredible third experiences. So instead of either or, you get this third, kind of, healing experience when you bring them together.

Candice Wu 11:56

It’s like letting or inviting the integration to happen.

Nick Werber 12:00

Exactly. Maybe another way of putting that would be, that I think there are so many ways that we think one or the other, and we do that mentally. But we also do that on a physical level where it’s like, in a way, it’s like this is here and then the good feelings are here. And they’re like not to be mixed.

Candice Wu 12:20

Yeah.

Nick Werber 12:20

And if we, kind of, have this process of working with someone that can help you safely bring them together, it’s amazing, the resolution that comes forward. And I would say, what excites me is when someone brings that together, and they get this immediate idea like, “I know what I need to do for myself.” Because it can become incredibly practical when you bring those feelings together.

Candice Wu 12:43

I’ve experienced that myself. One of the healers I work with does a triangle image and the two polar things on the bottom of the triangle on opposite ends, with the two experiences. And then letting them travel up to the top to the point. In my experience, when that happens, it feels to me like, “Poof!” The whole thing, kind of, disappears. Not always. Sometimes some parts get stuck. But when they do meet up, sometimes experience it goes “Poof,” and then I have this expansion, and I can see so much more possibility in that grey zone, in that in-between. Thanks for sharing that.

Nick Werber 13:25

Yeah. And I love that exercise. That sounds very similar.

Candice Wu 13:28

Yeah. I was thinking about how you bring that together for people? Do you just invite the conversation between the two parts?

Nick Werber 13:37

Yeah. For me, it’s all about learning about the person quickly, learning their language. And also getting a sense of- and sometimes I might even ask this, are you a visual person? Are you more, kind of, an internal, interested in your felt senses? So if they’re a visual person, you can do very similar things through visualization, you know, and the idea is that you’re visualizing something that actually is creating a movement on a physical level.

Nick Werber 14:06

So yeah, I would say it really depends on their experience. But I do like right off the bat, seeing how a person interacts with what happens if we’re working with this challenge that maybe you’ve gone from therapist to therapist, to therapist, you know. Because what I do is somewhat of a niche thing.

Nick Werber 14:31

I am working with a lot of people that have done therapy and been with Psychologists for years. So I would say, I’m always really interested in what happens when we get away from the stories because that immediately shakes things up. It’s like, “Oh, we’re not going to talk about this again.” And I look for how it opens and then I go from there.

Candice Wu 14:51

How did you get to this place in your life, Nick? Where did you come from to get to arrive in this line of work now?

Nick Werber 14:59

I came from, kind of, a funny direction where I- So I was working in marketing and advertising. And I was doing that while I was also in a touring band. So I was incredibly fortunate that I was able to work my way into working from home or working remotely, like, very early in my career. So I would be in this band, we’d be on tour, and I’d be at my computer at night, or after soundcheck, doing social media marketing, basically.

Candice Wu 15:35

Wow!

Nick Werber 15:37

Which was cool. And I think part of that, too, is that I identified so quickly that I was really uncomfortable in office settings. And I just liked being on my own. And I’ve always been an introvert, so resourcing on my own, that’s just a natural part of how I resource and how I learn and grow. So I was doing that. And the bassist of that band, I was someone that had been in therapy for a long time, he had gone to many different kinds of therapists and was kind of the person that would go online and was totally happy to dig in to, like, thousands of articles about, you know, what’s the latest thing and what’s amazing for this than the other which overwhelms me. But it was nice because he did that work.

Nick Werber 16:27

And so what he did was he found Peter Levine for Somatic Experiencing and read his books, and just was really fascinated by him. But because we’re in New York and Peter Levine is on the west coast, he was, you know, not able to see him. So he was kind of like, what’s the next best thing? And who he found was Dr. Michael Picucci. And this therapist, Dr. Picucci, who like foreshadowing, ended up becoming, like, the greatest mentor of my life. He was seeing him and he just, out of nowhere one day, just asked, “Do you want to come to a workshop? My therapist is doing a workshop.” No further information.

Nick Werber 17:10

And I just went and it was at this Yoga center. And I had never done Yoga. I had never meditated before. There were Buddhas and I was like, “Oh, that’s weird.” I’m just not really have ever connected with any of this stuff. And just like pleasant ferns, and I went in, and I just- we have this group. It’s like 40 people. And he did what he calls and what I call a “body drop”, which is just closing your eyes and bringing your awareness to your body. And he did an exercise of just, like, moving awareness around and seeing what appears. And when I opened my eyes, he started to just describe, “When you look around right now, do you notice how clear your vision feels?” I’m just like, “Wow. Yes.” And then he said, “Did you notice how timeless that state was when your eyes were closed and we did that exercise?” And I just, was like, “Wow. Yeah, it was like I floated somewhere else.”

Nick Werber 18:15

And just from that point on, there was- the seed had been fully planted. That there’s something here that is of immense value and creates an incredible connection on a level that I think I’d never experienced up until that point.

Nick Werber 18:33

So from there, I became involved with Dr. Picucci, going to his workshops. Then I became a client of his for a while, and then I became really like an apprentice to him. Where I now work for him and I use my marketing skills for him. But there’s a lot of mentoring going on where I’m always learning from him. And he’s been in private practice for over 30 years. He was like the first openly gay practicing therapist in New York City. I mean, his past and his history is incredible. So he’s just been this mentor that I think, kind of, got plopped into my life. And it just changed everything.

Candice Wu 19:13

Wow.

Nick Werber 19:14

Yeah. And so from him, flows an introduction into Family Constellations, where Suzi Tucker, our mutual teacher, actually did a workshop for the Focalizing Institute in the early 2000s. Which was like, you know- So that was something like 15 years prior to me, meeting Suzi Tucker. She had already worked with Michael before.

Nick Werber 19:46

But the thing that’s even weirder and more than serendipitous, is that when I signed up for Suzi’s workshop, I signed up only knowing Michael likes Family Constellations and Bert Hellinger. That’s all I knew. After the fact, I said, it was Susie Tucker. And he was like, “Oh, yeah, she’s the best.”

Candice Wu 20:03

Wow. That’s just, of course.

Nick Werber 20:07

That’s a small world. So then, from there, you know, I trained with Suzi, became so inspired by Family Constellations and what it brings to the conversation. And that’s kind of what led me to where I am today.

Candice Wu 20:21

I love that story. And it just so life-changing, these pivotal moments.

Nick Werber 20:25

There is one thing I could speak a little bit more. I think there’s an aspect of the story that’s important to point out, which is just like, why I became personally invested in it. And the way I share this is when I was involved with Focalizing and I was going to all these workshops, a lot of it was around Trauma Healing. And so I was in these circles, and often you’d break out into pairs and be supporting people around you. And there was a lot of talk that kind of boiled down to people suffering from various levels of PTSD. And I felt so activated and healed by these groups. But something that was always kind of nagging me in the back of my mind was, you know, I don’t necessarily have this, you know, extremely traumatic story in my history that really matches the people that I’m working with. And there was always this disconnect of, I don’t get why I’m so supported by work on trauma. And it was kind of confusing.

Nick Werber 21:37

And so for me, when I found Family Constellations, that was really the missing link of the idea that trauma can move down generations. And that the experience of trauma flows to descendants from parents and grandparents, you know. Suddenly a light bulb went off and I could see there are very extreme circumstances standing behind my parents. And it just kind of clicked that, yes, I can see how that flowed and where that comes from. And so I would say, I’m not necessarily a direct victim of trauma but it’s in my system, and it very much affected how I was raised. And so these two processes, for me, were just like such a perfect mingling of modalities for that experience of what happens when traumas affecting you, but it’s not even necessarily your direct experience.

Candice Wu 22:35

Yeah, that makes complete sense. It’s actually, exactly what I was thinking about in a recent podcast about trauma. One of the things I spoke about was that, I believe that trauma is an incompletion of something that wanted to happen. And if it’s- whether it’s in your personal life or the ancestry, or soul history, but then it started to get blurry. Like the same kind of, I don’t know if you’d call it a blur, but that experience you were saying about, “How come these practices are helping me, but I wouldn’t consider myself having trauma like this?” And in a way, I experienced almost all of us having something in the ancestry that brings us to something incomplete. And I think what I found is that, it’s just not important to call it trauma or not.

Nick Werber 23:26

I totally agree. Yeah. And I would say, when I’m saying, making that description of, “Oh, I didn’t think I had trauma” I’m almost connecting to me at that younger age, where I think I had that label of, like, “I haven’t had a car accident.” or “I didn’t have childhood sexual abuse.” You know, it was like, those kinds of, what you think of as classic examples of it. It’s like, “Oh, I don’t have that. So why do I feel like I resonate with this so much?” And I think you’re totally right. So the way you’re saying incomplete, and I think the way that I say it, which is just different words, for the same thing is that trauma is overwhelm. So it’s something occurred, and there weren’t enough resources there to hold it. And so there was, in some way, in order for a person to survive or handle it, they had to create a barrier between it and them. And so I think in some ways, it’s similar to what you’re saying, where it’s something needed completion, but it was interrupted for some reason.

Candice Wu 24:34

Yeah, exactly.

Nick Werber 24:36

You know, the way where I usually go is that the interruption is around overwhelm, which again, comes from, for some reason, lack of resources, which is, you know, can be for so many reasons. And often, one of them is that the person was so young that it was not possible to hold it at that age.

Candice Wu 24:55

Yeah, I like how you share it that way, because it opens it up little more. It’s an incomplete movement. It’s just like the blanket statement for what you’re saying, which just gives a broader picture of lack of resources, and overwhelmed.

Nick Werber 25:11

So this is something that- I love that Stephan Hausner talks about with regard to trauma is that, when there’s this experience of overwhelm, people create these filters for their life. Where it’s like, that was impossible to hold, it was too much, I didn’t have the resources. And so you almost put these filters up to be able to just manage that, that was a part of your life, that happened. And I would say, you know, when I think about what Trauma Healing is, the way I see it is helping people to gently, kind of, peel away some of those filters that might have helped them survive in an earlier time. But now, those filters are actually preventing a person from seeing a lot of what is happening in their life, that is preventing them from seeing things clearly. It’s almost like the way it’s hard to see on a podcast, but I’m kind of. have my hands in front of my face. And it’s like, once these filters are here, they get put in place by a traumatic experience. But then, they make it harder to relate to a partner. And they make it harder to relate to your co-workers. And so they kind of stay there. You know, when I think of the healing process, I think of how do we process what was unprocessed, that’s been on the other side of those filters for, perhaps, years.

Candice Wu 26:32

I can completely relate to that, and I’m thinking about filters being all sorts of things. Belief sets the nervous system in a fear state, like fight or flight or frozen, overwhelmed. What do you mean by filters?

Nick Werber 26:48

I think those are great examples. I think sometimes a filter can be an intrusive pattern of thinking. So the filter could be, “I am inherently not good enough.” And that came in, let’s say, when something you know, again perhaps, traumatic or terrible happened. And the person, you know, didn’t have the strength to be able to take an action or to help someone, or to help themselves. And there’s like, this sudden inadequacy there, and that “I’m not good enough,” almost like a program that’s running in someone’s mind can turn into I’m not good enough to have the job that you know, I’m trained for, or I’m not good enough to be successful in the way that I’m worthy of. So I would say that’s just another very specific example of a filter.

Candice Wu 27:46

Yeah. So let’s talk about Family Constellations. What’s inspiring you lately?

Nick Werber 27:52

So I think the big thing that’s inspiring me right now is how do we learn from where we come from, and integrate into our lives today? I think maybe it’s helpful to just focus a little bit on Family Constellations, involves this exploration of the past, and involves not only how you were raised might be affecting your present, but how your parents were raised and what they received from their parents. It’s looking a little bit further back.

Nick Werber 28:22

But what I’m really interested in is, just like we started on, how do we not get stuck in the past and use it to its highest potential? So we go back, and then how do we keep bringing it forward over and over again, and creating that similar Pendulation? Or it’s almost like the triangle that you described as well? I would say that’s one thing that’s inspiring me. Yeah.

Candice Wu 28:43

Yeah, I love that. It’s like, how do you find more resource where you thought it wasn’t there, or there was a filter that you believed or saw something different? That’s what it’s making me think of? How do you see it?

Nick Werber 28:56

So I would say a really common thing that I work with when it comes to looking back at the families, is this concept of belonging and belonging is- it’s a survival technique. You know you, as a child, you have to belong to someone to survive before the age of, you know, seven, or else you’re not going to make it. And in that process of belonging to someone, you, as children, instinctively do so many things in order to earn your place.

Nick Werber 29:27

One of them is that you start to mimic your caregivers. And it’s this belief that: “I am deserving of love when I am like my caregivers.” And so you take all this information from them and mimic it back to them. And that’s one way that you, kind of, glue to them. It’s the survival thing. Sometimes it’s called like, systemic love or love for the system that you come from. In part of that process of gluing to the caregiver and belonging to the system that you’re in, part of this is taking in a lot of fantastic qualities. And you’re mimicking all the things that allowed your caregivers to survive themselves. In addition to all the great things that help you survive, you are also taking on information that comes from their hardships.

Nick Werber 30:18

So the way you see it, I think as a child, it’s this unconscious mimicking of the caregiver. But within how they’re making their choices through life is also- it’s a result of their hardships and their experiences. So as a child, you take both the bad and the good. It’s the simplest way to put it. So I would say a lot of what I’m working on is how do we actually still belong to our family but, perhaps, retire some of those aspects that really didn’t even originate with you. They perhaps originated with parents, where they originated with a grandparent. And how do we actually leave it with them? So that you can create something new in your present.

Candice Wu 31:06

I feel like so much of my work with myself and with other people is in doing that. When I’m working with clients, helping them to do that too, or seeing where they might want to do that, is to leave the past in the past or leave parts of other people’s experiences with them, and clearing up all the gunk and all of the clutter that’s been there that we think is ours. And I think that’s an essential piece of what you’re saying of: we take the good and the bad, is also that we can’t see, what we’re taking. The unconscious pieces that we don’t even realize are what it seems like you’re bringing to light, with people.

Nick Werber 31:54

Yeah, we take it all, you know, and there’s no knowing of how it’ll end up later in life, or what that will, you know, turn into? But we just- we take it all and that’s just a part of the human condition to do that.

Candice Wu 32:09

Which leads me to the topic of death. How do you put an end or retire? How do you let certain things in a way die in you and go where they belong, or be let go? I just really enjoy the topic of death. And I know you do too. And when I brought up death earlier with you privately, you’re like, “Love it!”

Nick Werber 32:32

It’s like, one of the few people will, “Let’s talk about death.” And it’s like, “Great. I’m glad you mentioned that.”

Candice Wu 32:38

You were like, so excited. And I’m- that makes me so happy. We might be just a rare breed because I know there are many people out there that are interested in that topic. But what makes you interested in it? What is so alive for you about it?

Nick Werber 32:54

What makes me so interested, is the role that it plays in life. It’s that- When we allow death to be a part of the picture, it pushes us to be more than we are. And I think when we are fighting death in a lot of ways and fighting it in terms of trying not to acknowledge it, or somehow putting it out of the picture, we just move differently. We use our time differently in a way we don’t take life as seriously, or we don’t make as much of it as we could. And so, yeah, I’m fascinated by death and how much it actually can elevate life.

Candice Wu 33:39

I was just thinking about how my partner has Memento Mori. It’s a coin, and it’s coming from the Daily Stoic, I think. And he has it on his desk and it just reminds him of what he needs to do today. And it seems to bring him to more of himself now.

Nick Werber 34:02

That’s sounds amazing.

Candice Wu 34:03

Yeah, it’s really cool. So death. What I think of in terms of what people are dealing with around death is fear of death, fear of loss. What comes up for you, or either for you personally or in your work with clients about that?

Nick Werber 34:23

I mean, there’s a lot of reasons to be afraid of death. One of the things that comes up for me is that I actually, from a very young age, had a very intense fear of death. And I would- Actually, I would calm down. When I was like, seven or eight years old, I would wake up in the middle of the night and I would come downstairs, or go to my parents’ room to, basically, tell them I was afraid of dying. And there was also something for me about sleep and death of like, “Oh, is this what it’s like?” It’s like, “Is falling asleep like dying?” I think it is so important to honor that that is- It’s really profound.

Nick Werber 35:02

The reason why I, kind of, went to this like, “Death motivates life,” is that when we include it in the picture, so let’s say in Family Constellations, if you are setting up this constellation or map of your family or of your life or you’re, let’s say, you’re creating a map of, “Here’s the intention you want to get to and you’re having an issue. There’s like some sort of block.” If you place death in the picture, if you just acknowledge its presence, it’s very common that more options appear, or that it creates a shift in how you’re seeing things. And there’s something about that, like a little bit of fear, and the fear of loss that can actually create and renew connection in some way. This is such a simple example. But when you hear, let’s say, this distant family member is on their deathbed, there is so often the pull to go see them, to make a connection in some way. And I think that happens in a lot of different ways, actually. That when death becomes more present, the connection becomes more needed. And more emphasized.

Candice Wu 36:22

In a sense, there’s just so many ways you can look at that, how death is part of the picture already, even if we acknowledge it or not. And if we’re not acknowledging it, then what else are we not acknowledging? And perhaps that’s part of the connection, piece, or the part of the polarity of death, the aliveness, and the fullness of feeling. And so if we acknowledge it, it seems to open that up.

Nick Werber 36:50

I’m curious for you, Candice. What do you see as, like, the role of death when you’re working with people?

Candice Wu 36:57

Well, there are, as you said, there are many reasons to fear death. And I think what I experience is that, when it becomes a more intense fear, and I’m not sure where that threshold is, it’s just different for each person, what’s tolerable for them, and what’s a little bit more out of their feeling of capacity. But when it becomes more intense, I usually look to something further back in the lineage or something in their life where they felt like, either they personally were near death or something very scary happened and they thought they were going to die. Or, there’s something that brings them to the thought that, “Oh, my gosh, I might die.” And what about that? Where does that deepen and expand into? And then if we look at the lineage, who died? That was unexpected, or where, as you were saying about trauma, was there a lack of resource or just not enough there, to support something that related to death or dying or fear of death.

Candice Wu 38:14

It just feels like it opens up a lot. And, when that opens up and it releases or it moves through, it just lets so much energy run back into the system of the body. And so much as you said, connection with self, but also all of these parts of themselves that they may not have realized where this fear was coming from. And then death becomes something not so scary, but something that makes sense.

Nick Werber 38:50

I love that. It reminds me of something that I sometimes do with people, which is- and you can do this for many things but death is a great example, where you might ask someone, you know, let’s say, if the fear is, “I’m afraid of dying.” What I might ask is, “If that happened, what’s the worst part about that happening?” And that usually opens up a different story for each person. And so if you ask me that, the story would be that, “I wouldn’t fulfill my purpose.” And that is a flavor that just like you said, if you go back to the lineage, “Okay. Did someone die and not fulfill their purpose?”

Nick Werber 39:36

And for me, I have a great uncle. And that is the exact story of the family, where he was 30-years-old and died of cancer. And he was like, this law student that was- he was working as an accountant. He was the golden child of the family, and he died. And it was just, you know, that “not fulfilling purpose”, then becomes this echo that moves around the family system. And I definitely carry that echo.

Candice Wu 40:05

Wow. Yeah, that’s really powerful. It’s reminding me of what you said earlier, is how do you take it forward? When we have fear of death, when death comes into the conversation, I experience a lot of people just ending there, shutting off there, because it does bring that overwhelm back up sometimes or for whatever reason and what you’re saying is don’t stop there. Take it one concept or idea further, one emotion further.

Nick Werber 40:40

Definitely. Because you know mine was not a fulfilling purpose, but someone else could say I wouldn’t be there for my kids. I wouldn’t be able to take care of my parents. You know, then that’s a completely different story, it’s suddenly a whole another picture opens up.

Candice Wu 40:59

Cool. Yeah.

Nick Werber 41:01

Or I would be, even if it’s just simply, I would be forgotten, that’s a whole another picture. There’s so much more information to that than just fear of death.

Candice Wu 41:12

And this is also coming to something so beautiful about Constellations work. And I think maybe Focalizing work because it comes in with Somatic Experiencing, is when something opens up like that, like the why or what people are really afraid of.

Candice Wu 41:32

And in your example, you shared about your family. And your experience is those words, we can just extrapolate those words, and open up all the doors to where those words might have fit, and might have arrived in our hands, when they may not fit in our lives, truly, but they were part of the web of the story that was behind us.

Candice Wu 41:56

I know that you have many stories like that. And to me, I find them very “Oh, just like so inspiring and powerful”. Is there any experience you’ve had lately, personally, or with your clients that feels comfortable to share about how impactful Constellations work has been in this way?

Nick Werber 42:19

Yeah, one thing I just want to point out is that when you’re doing this work, it’s one of the most common things that come up, is someone saying, “This is how I feel, and it doesn’t make sense, like, I don’t know why I feel this way, it seems to always have felt, I’ve always felt this way, and I don’t get it”.

Nick Werber 42:41

When you just start to introduce that idea of some of your present feelings can be the residue of an experience that came before you were born, just even introducing that idea, just taking a moment with that, it’s amazing. I would say 50% of people can already start to get a picture.

Nick Werber 43:01

Actually, there is some way in which this year actually makes sense. And if you don’t get it immediately, that’s what the process of Constellations does. This is seeking it and seeing if it where it might sit. So I just want to point out that I think that’s incredibly common.

Candice Wu 43:21

Yeah, I think that’s beautiful, how you said that with the residue.

Nick Werber 43:25

When it comes to my personal experience, this is something that’s always unfolding. And I’m always learning more. And the relationship between personal experience and family history, I could highlight so many different things.

Nick Werber 43:37

But one of the big ones that I think really defined a lot of my identity, especially up through my mid–20s, is that, I had what so many people have, which is I had a difficult relationship with my mother. And my experience of her as a child was that there was just a lot of anxiety and fear in the household.

Nick Werber 44:08

And so it was like, I remember my brother wandering off once after a baseball game, and my mother, within basically a 15-second period going from: “Where’s your brother”, to: “he must be kidnapped, and he must be gone forever.”

Nick Werber 44:27

And I tell this to clients as well, is that, if there’s anxiety in the household as a young child, what the child takes away from that, and what I took away from it, is that there’s something dangerous here, I’m in danger. And if I’m not in danger, if my mom is in danger, because she’s acting like something could get us at any moment.

Nick Werber 44:54

And so as a child, I started to carry in my body, just like a sense of that fear, that there is a danger.

Nick Werber 45:04

And I’m going to kind of go back and forth between the past and the present. Because, I get that this kind of almost becoming the theme of this podcast, if you like –

Candice Wu 45:13

Yeah.

Nick Werber 45:14

fluctuation

Candice Wu 45:15

Right.

Nick Werber 45:16

You look at fear, there’s something wrong, something’s here and it’s dangerous. And if you flash forward to me, in my, let’s say, my 20’s, is that I got really into the food quality is bad, I need to eat healthily, I need to take a bunch of supplements. And, I can now look back at that and say that perception of, and I’m not saying that food quality isn’t bad, either. But I was very drawn to ways of looking at the world around me and finding where the dangerous or trying to seek out what’s dangerous and trying to escape that. That became this dynamic. That was like a repeating dynamic throughout my life. It’s so many different phases.

Nick Werber 46:04

So another thing that happens when there’s a parent that seems like they’re in trouble all the time is that kids, and this is what I did, become helpers. And so throughout my life, it’s been in my dating experience that I’ve always been the helper to all my partners.

Nick Werber 46:24

I remember actually being at a bar in college and saying to someone, and I’m not proud of this, I just said, “I think all women are crazy.” And I look back at that now. And it’s like, “No idiot, you were seeking people that needed help.”

Candice Wu 46:42

Right. It was like, the lens, your radar was honing in on just these types of women.

Nick Werber 46:53

Yes, but needed someone in their life to help them. And then I come away like, “Oh, it’s all the women that are crazy. That’s them.”

Candice Wu 47:02

And this is how you love, this is how we love, right?

Nick Werber 47:05

Yes.

Candice Wu 47:07

Yeah, that’s such a great example.

Nick Werber 47:10

Just like I’m saying about kind of fluctuating back and forth a bit. So if we return now, again, to this early household experience of there’s some sort of danger, when I got into Family Constellations, one of the earliest ideas that was introduced to me was, you know, okay, this is how your mother was, when you were young, what was her experience with her mother like, and I could immediately start to conjure these stories. And the story was the exact opposite story.

Nick Werber 47:49

So my mother’s experience with her mother was that her mother did not pay attention to her at all. It was like, literally, my mother could be anywhere, and no one kept tabs on her, she could do whatever she wanted. And it was right on the border, almost like neglect. When you hear my mother talk about this, that’s how she speaks about it. It’s like, “We were kind of free to do whatever.”

Nick Werber 48:16

And so, what then starts to fill in as the picture is like, my mother came away from that experience, with a strong sense that it was actually very dangerous. And I believe very strongly that there were some things that happened to her during this period that made her feel like the fact that her parents didn’t know where she was, exposed her to something. And I don’t know what that something is. But I’m very aware that there was something. And so when I was raised, it was almost like reaction, okay, that was bad to not know, for my mother did not know where I was, so I’m going to know where my kids are at all times.

Nick Werber 48:57

And this idea of: I’m going to do the opposite of what I experienced is one of the most common movements that I see in my work. When I look at families, it’s like this skip a generation thing. And I think if I hadn’t have found Family Constellations, I would be very likely raising my future children as my grandmother raised my mother, where I would have reacted against and said, “I had way too much attention on me, I’m going to give my kids freedom.”

Nick Werber 49:28

Again, there’s always more to the story. But I think, I have an aunt, so it’s my mother’s youngest sister that was a genealogist and actually did the genealogy of my mother’s line, and my grandmother’s line, the Kilburn line.

Nick Werber 49:43

And what you can see is that, in these words, you can see, this picture has been developed for many more generations that I’ve just described. And one of the big ones that, you know, if we go just straight to my grandmother, is that she received in a sense, was neglected, it’s basically her story. So I can only imagine that the way she raised it’s not always one or the other. But for her basing my mother was like, she raised her with a little less neglect than she received. And then something happened that allowed my mother to flip and then say, I’m going to raise my child with a lot more attention. And then that created a reaction back my point in this is to not only share my experience, but say, there’s a lot of ways that people choose to reject where they come from. And it can kind of put you in a different form of quicksand, but it’s a very similar quicksand.

Candice Wu 50:45

Yeah, yes, I see that. And it feels like the polarity finding the middle zone again, is coming up in me as you’re talking about it like for you.

Nick Werber 50:58

Middle zone?

Candice Wu 50:58

Yeah.

Nick Werber 51:00

And it’s again, it’s like, “why not?” It’s going back to not one or the other, but what is both.

Candice Wu 51:06

If we don’t reject either one, and we accept both, or find a place for both, then what?

Nick Werber 51:14

And then so in this example that we’re talking about, it’s like, how do we find what is a healthy amount of space and a healthy amount of care and watchfulness, and how do we integrate both instead of having one or the other.

Nick Werber 51:29

You know, and I’m always just tickled by the fact that I did this genealogy because I think, you know, I suspect she sensed some of these patterns that come from the history of that line. And so she dug in and went to all these libraries, searching for microfilm, because this was like, pre-internet, she dug up all this information about the history of that family. And I think, you know, she hasn’t put it in these words, but I suspect it was her own, you know, way of exploring and understanding herself.

Candice Wu 52:02

Yeah. A way to feel like that also brings the resonance for your work, some curiosity. And that –

Nick Werber 52:10

Totally. It makes me think not only are some of these experiences, things that I carry, but it seems like the desire to learn about family as a way of understanding myself is also has a role in my system.

Candice Wu 52:27

Oh, thank you for sharing that.

Nick Werber 52:29

Yeah.

Candice Wu 52:31

So I’m curious about, what challenges are you experiencing now? Or what’s alive for you in your inner world, or your family system world?

Nick Werber 52:43

Something that’s really alive for me, is building my business actually. Which is, I think, is it’s not always the place healers or therapist go. It’s like, there’s often so much focus on processing emotions, or an internal healing, but what I’m finding is, when I’ve created these intentions, to actually reach more people and get my gifts in the best possible way, setting that intention has created a whole new way of interacting with myself. And it’s also given way to a lot of processing and growing. So I would say one thing is that, if you set an intention, like wanting to give your gifts to more people, you have to take care of yourself and take care of your body. So there’s a physical component and a time management component.

Nick Werber 53:42

But one of the other components of this is that, I can see that, you know, in Family Constellations, they talk about, and then the philosophy of it, that your success is also very connected to where you come from.

Nick Werber 54:01

And one of the most common ways this looks, is that often people feel like if they become more successful than their parents, they are somehow betraying them,

Candice Wu 54:12

Yes.

Nick Werber 54:13

Some people will hear that and immediately connect that. Other times, it comes up through the process of like, “What if we actually go through this Constellation process, and in the image that we’re creating, we give you the salary that you’re looking for, let’s say, you just have it. Now, how do you feel?”

Nick Werber 54:34

And suddenly, guilt appears. Suddenly, it’s like, this is too hard to carry. And I’ve found in my process that I definitely have some of that, and that it’s not just a betrayal, you know, that I feel like I belong to their way of life. But there’s also a component of, I think something I’ve carried within me for since I was very young was this almost like being a rebel to the world. I’ve kind of been in rebellion of so many different things. Just like I was a rebellious person in my household. Being rebellious to the world is not the best place to come from when you want to give your gifts to people.

Nick Werber 55:22

So I would say I’m spending a lot of time working with that right now, is to just peel that back and take various directions to, you know, where can I stand where I’m actually more open instead of I think rebelliousness is often a guardedness.

Candice Wu 55:43

Yeah, I think that it can come from the same place as the original fear itself. Or the original thing that’s being rebelled against.

Nick Werber 55:54

Totally.

Candice Wu 55:56

So what do you do to nourish your body or your spirit? Yourself?

Nick Werber 56:04

I would say broadly, I’m putting a lot of attention to self-care. I just think it’s so important for me. I kind of jotted down. I have this list of, here are the things I do for self-care. And what’s great about that is the moment you are feeling unstable or something is coming up that’s hard to, you know, let’s say you just feel like kind of walloped by work, or are just kind of disappointed by how something went, you kind of, I refer to my list of like, here are the things I can tap into.

Nick Werber 56:42

And one of them is, I’m working with a nutritionist, actually a person named Alison. Her website is Feel Awesome. Be Awesome.

Nick Werber 56:52

I think it’s important to take care of yourself. But I also think it’s so important to bring in resources around you. So that’s what I would say, is that one of the things is that I’m seeking, just like having a team to always be able to tap in, and I feel like that’s something that our conversations become too is like, when you work in the industry that we work in, which can be very siloed. I think self-care for me becomes, how do I create even more of a network and more people around me?

Nick Werber 57:26

So that’s one. I mean, very practically, it’s like, I had a green juice this morning, and I’m eating organic.

Nick Werber 57:35

I feel like a little bit hesitant to say those things, because then, it can sound like, I don’t know. You ever had someone talk about what they’re doing for nutrition and then it becomes like a competition?

Candice Wu 57:48

With the other person?

Nick Werber 57:50

Yeah, exactly.

Nick Werber 57:51

It’s like, here’s what I would say is, I feel like most of the time that I will say something like, “I’m drinking green juices on a regular basis.” The response from where I’m speaking to is, “I’ve been trying to cut down on sugar.” And I was doing this once. And it almost like brings up their own like, what they should or shouldn’t be doing.

Candice Wu 58:13

Yeah, like, I’m guilty.

Nick Werber 58:18

Yeah. Just feel that just now that I was like, “Oh, I don’t want to, is this going to come off as bragging to even say that I’m doing this stuff?” Which is, that’s kind of weird, actually.

Candice Wu 58:30

Well, isn’t that the same as: it feels to me that could come from the same place as the betrayal you spoke about,-

Nick Werber 58:38

Yes.

Candice Wu 58:39

Right. Like, if I am doing something good and healthy for me, and I can’t share it, or else the other person will feel bad. And it will betray them if I feel good.

Nick Werber 58:52

You nailed it, Candice, and that’s why you’re so talented.

Candice Wu 58:55

Yes, we’re working together here.

Nick Werber 58:58

It’s true. But, I think the protection, you know, I’m kind of, I’m still “My mind goes to the listeners of this podcast.” And it’s like, I think there’s a lot of what we’re talking about. Sometimes it can do sound like philosophy or theory, the point to me is, if someone could take something away from what we’re talking about, it’s not to now become this incredible analyzer of your family.

Nick Werber 59:23

You know, the whole point is that you’re working with someone else, like, have Candice or I become a little bit more of the analyzer for you, and then allow you to just have the experience of what it feels like to step out.

Nick Werber 59:38

So, but what you bring up Candice about that thing about the protection of others, that’s like a perfect insight. If someone can reflect back to you, that you seem to be taking care of others, it just becomes a signpost you know, because you say that I’m now more likely to notice when I’m doing it. And then what I would suggest is to even go further, if this was the session, is to then go to a physical level of like, what does it feel like to be someone that takes care of other people?

Nick Werber 1:00:13

And, you know, from there, I think what would be more than likely for me is, well, right now my focus is to be taken care of myself more. So I’d like to be focused on that, which is what I just said. So –

Candice Wu 1:00:28

Yeah.

Nick Werber 1:00:29

And now we’re working with two polarities that might be nice to come together.

Candice Wu 1:00:34

I was just thinking that. I was thinking about how both of us are resonating in that polarity and integrating that third space. And, here is just like such a lovely moment of that, where it’s not about one. I don’t know, maybe that’s a Constellation in itself, like, where do we get the idea it was one or the other that could be happy?

Candice Wu 1:01:03

Or let me explain myself, it’s almost like: if you feel happy and feel proud of yourself, and it may not be something that I’m doing, or I feel proud about myself doing, it’s almost like only one of us can have our experience here.

Candice Wu 1:01:22

And if the upset is the prevailing feeling of one person, then we could only play to that in a way. And how do we find where we can both exist, it’s both and where’s the dance of both experiences being okay, and accepted, where it doesn’t have to put down another person. Like, it doesn’t have to be protection. I’m just trailing away. Now, I feel like I kind of went into something that I couldn’t explain very well, because there are so many parts.

Nick Werber 1:01:54

Yeah.

Candice Wu 1:01:55

Yeah, it’s just what came up.

Nick Werber 1:01:57

I almost wish you could just rephrase it one more time.

Candice Wu 1:02:00

Well, I guess as I’m sitting with it, it feels that when the experience of protecting someone else happens to me, or when I’m in that space, I’m usually in a younger child space, or perhaps it has to do with other things like some sort of energy passed down as well. But it doesn’t feel like I’m in my whole self where we can accept or I can accept both experiences mine and the other. Where I just play to someone else’s experience, and how to make them feel okay, as a way of loving them. And that just doesn’t seem to work. Because then, I’m not really quite loving myself.

Nick Werber 1:02:46

Yep. Totally. There’s almost a part of me that wants to like, what’s the answer to that question of where did it come from, where we thought there could be one or the other. Because that is perhaps one of the central assumptions that I think people live with.

Candice Wu 1:03:06

I have been thinking about that actually. And go figure, I’m watching Game of Thrones again, and the hundred is even worse, in terms of that mentality, as I’m watching these types of shows.

Candice Wu 1:03:25

First, it feels like, “Yes, this is the way we need to sublimate this energy of the experience of war and people being slaughtered.” And only one tribe can live, kind of experience, like this is for the survival of our people. And I think that’s just been so prevalent in our societal history, in our earthly history. And it feels like a trauma wound from all of those experiences put together, that we think one or the other, only one can exist here.

Nick Werber 1:04:09

Wow! That’s such an interesting direction to go in. But what that makes me think about is just that, it’s like the property of groups is that when a group is formed, there is a sense of what makes you a part of the group, why you belong to that group. And it’s part of the nature of groups too, to push out people that don’t fit that mold in some way.

Nick Werber 1:04:32

And then that’s obviously been like, you know, was war the origin of that, or just that even go back further? You know, what is that perception that where I went, this isn’t a fully formed thought, but I just felt like I was going back to almost like stories of the Bible, and just like being the center, and it was like, people were good than the apple was eaten, and now they’re not good. And they’re cast out.

Nick Werber 1:05:01

And it’s just like, this archetypal the origin of like, you’re in the garden, or you’re out of the garden. And when you leave, you know, here’s now all the things to return to, like the grace of where you were, basically. And it’s just such a, it’s a deep concept, feel like I almost- this would require a whole another podcast to talk about it.

Candice Wu 1:05:27

I think so. And I think actually, it just lets me arrived back again, and for me to belonging.

Nick Werber 1:05:35

Yes.

Candice Wu 1:05:36

Which is something you know, you and I talk about all the time. And you’ve mentioned in this show, and in Family Constellations, it’s like the cornerstone of everything, we will do all sorts of things to belong and to stay in the good life of our grouping, because we need that safety at a young age. And then we just live that way, thinking that that’s how it has to be –

Nick Werber 1:06:03

Yeah.

Candice Wu 1:06:04

as adults, but we have more resource now. So we may not need that way. So I think about the one or the other, and pushing out experience that you’re talking about, as the fear of being pushed out. So I better love in this way. And I want to love, and this is how I think I can, without any of that process going on in our minds, just happening.

Nick Werber 1:06:29

Exactly. And, that is something just right at the end there that you share. I think it’s important that people understand that, these, you know, I’m using quotation marks in the air. It’s like, these decisions are not conscious decisions. How we belong, and where we feel safe, and where we go, it happens automatically. And in some ways, it was like if you were the firstborn, the second born, or it changes depending on what sibling you were, and in birth order.

Nick Werber 1:07:01

And, so are so many ways that it’s sort of given to you. But I think when you are fully an adult, and you can stand in your strength, you have a lot more freedom than you think, to create a different life for yourself. And so, I would say, my role, the way I see it, is helping people to take a step out of some of those patterns, and then processing all the whatever feelings come up about that step out, if it’s guilt or fear, and then allowing people to feel nice and rooted and safe, standing in a different place than they were before.

Candice Wu 1:07:43

This gives such a relief feeling, even just to hear that process. And to know that position is open, it’s there.

Nick Werber 1:07:55

Very fruitful to hear this process of seeing how your family and ancestry contributes to your present experience. But at no point should we ever lose sight of, that we are individuals that have an incredible amount of power over our lives. I like to leave people on is like, you can create something new.

Candice Wu 1:08:16

Yeah, thank you for that. And I think that’s like a whole other podcast too. Maybe one we do together. Because I brought that topic up with you before about there’s absolutely influence. A very big one from our family system and our group dynamic mentality or way of being. And then there’s our personal spirit and being that has the ability to be full in itself.

Candice Wu 1:08:46

And that’s a complicated conversation. So it’s just not for now. But thank you for that reminder. And I also love the reminder about everything we’re talking about. It’s all words, and it’s nothing to the experience of what’s in the body. And what’s the lived experience, which can unfold any possibility that is completely different from what you and I have talked about, or may match, but there’s no answer, except for the one within.

Nick Werber 1:09:15

Yeah, and I agree with it. The word experiential, I think is, I don’t think I mentioned it earlier, but it’s probably the most common word I use for the way I work. And I think in the experiences the power of this work, and it’s that if I told you, you know, here’s what’s happening now stop doing that. It wouldn’t mean nothing.

Candice Wu 1:09:40

Yeah.

Nick Werber 1:09:41

It would literally mean, basically, almost none.

Candice Wu 1:09:44

Well, we tried to do that with ourselves all the time. It doesn’t work.

Nick Werber 1:09:48

Yes, exactly.

Candice Wu 1:09:50

I want to stop doing this, or I should,

Nick Werber 1:09:53

Yes, totally. And so even with this conversation, it’s all of our words are trying to point back to just like you said, just an experience of what these sessions look like, and make some powerful and different from simply just like getting a diagnosis, and here’s how to change it, is that you’re engaging something deeper than the mind.

Nick Werber 1:10:19

And I think the reason why I talked about the body is that when you feel safe in your body, to do something different, or to step out and take a chance in a way you haven’t before. If you feel safe in your body, those old barriers or those old thought patterns just have a little less power again, when you create a new experience on a physical level, on a deeper level, I think the reverberation of it can really cut through in a very different way than simply a thought.

Candice Wu 1:10:52

Yeah, it’s in your bones then.

Nick Werber 1:10:55

And if it’s in your bones, you don’t have to remember it.

Candice Wu 1:10:58

Yeah, your body can do the work

Nick Werber 1:11:00

Yeah.

Candice Wu 1:11:00

It’s not even work. It’s just the body is and energy is.

Nick Werber 1:11:05

And that, I mean, I don’t know your experience but mine with Family Constellations and Focalizing is that, I’ll do a very targeted, like, a session that’s really based on a specific intention. And at the end of it, I might not even remember half of what we spoke about.

Candice Wu 1:11:22

Yeah.

Nick Werber 1:11:22

But two weeks later, suddenly, “Oh, you know, I did just do that thing that I wanted. I wish I was getting around to.” Or, “My relationship to my partner has become a lot clearer all of a sudden.”, and “Oh, yeah, that was what that session was about.” And that’s the work that I love is when someone can step away and the change happens without needing to have to do something, and you might get a kick out of this.

Candice Wu 1:11:49

I’ve heard this before that Bert Hellinger, the person that kind of originated Family Constellations would tell people after the session, “Go home and don’t do anything.”

Nick Werber 1:12:00

Because people would learn all this about them. And they’d say, “Oh, I need to call someone.”, “I need to go change this.”, “I need to quit my job.” And he’ll say, “No. Go home and don’t do anything, and wait for an answer to arise organically.” And for me, that’s exactly what’s happened with this work.

Candice Wu 1:12:18

Absolutely. Yeah, for me as well. When I say absolutely, that’s- I think that’s so important with this work. Because we find out a lot of things, and we can just feel compelled to move quickly.

Candice Wu 1:12:32

Well, thank you, Nick. One thing I would love is for you to come back on the show. And for us to talk about some of the things more in-depth that both interest us and who’s listening out there. Is that something you’d be interested in?

Nick Werber 1:12:46

Yeah, I’d love that.

Candice Wu 1:12:48

And in this case, I’d invite anyone who’s listening to reach out to either one of us and just share what you found interesting, and what you want to know more about. If there was a topic like death or belonging, or protection that we might talk about with a little more time on the podcast. We’re happy to hear from you.

Candice Wu 1:13:11

And Nick, I know that one of the best ways that people find out about your work and check out if it’s a good fit for them, just like it is actually the same experience that I have, is to work with you or to experience something from you. And so, Nick is offering two very special things today in terms of experiencing something that he’s offering and experiencing a dynamic with him, or how it would be like to work with him. Nick, would you share your audience gift and about meditation that we’ll offer?

Nick Werber 1:13:48

Sure, for your lovely audience, I’m giving half-off sessions. Any person that wants to try Family Constellations and Focalizing, and the way that I combine them, can reach out to me, and they can get half-price per session.

Nick Werber 1:14:06

And one of the things I just want to share about that is: that I love working remotely. So if someone isn’t in New York City and is interested, please reach out. We can be really effective at a distance. And the second thing is that: I’m going to be doing some guided meditations for people. So I’ll be recording a guided meditation, and I believe will come back and kind of present that to your audience.

Candice Wu 1:14:34

Absolutely, yes. When this podcast airs, the meditations that Nick offers will go out the week, during that week that this podcast is published. So, you can enjoy that and get a taste of what Nick does. Nick, is there anything else you want to share today?

Nick Werber 1:14:55

I think I just want to say thank you, Candice. It was really good to talk to you. And I’m glad that we did this.

Candice Wu 1:15:00

Thank you. I’m really glad that we did this too, and I always learn something more about myself when talking to you. And it’s just a joy. Thank you so much. So, where can people find you, Nick?

Nick Werber 1:15:14

So the place you can find me are: nicknwerber.com and then I’m also on Instagram at @nwerber. And I really also encourage people to go to Instagram because I write a lot there.

Candice Wu 1:15:33

Yeah.

Nick Werber 1:15:34

So if you’re interested in this work and interested in exercises, I put a lot of it out there.

Candice Wu 1:15:39

Yeah, it’s excellent. Everything you put out there, I just take something away from. So check it out if you’re interested in what Nick has to say. And also everything will be linked in the show notes. So, no need to remember. If you want to just go to the website CandiceWu.com/podcast, you’ll find that. Actually Nick’s episode, CandiceWu.com/nick. Super easy.

Candice Wu 1:16:04

Okay. Well, thank you so much, Nick.

Nick Werber 1:16:07

Thank you, Candice.

Candice Wu 1:16:11

I’m so grateful that Nick was able to come onto the show and give his story as well as thoughts today. I always learned so much from him. And I hope you did too. We do have plans to do another podcast so that we can dive deeper into some of the topics that came up. I think we could just go on endlessly. I hope you join us for that. And I’m so grateful that you’re out there. I appreciate you listening in. If you have questions for me and Nick, feel free to reach out to us. As always, you can find Nick’s information on the show notes at CandiceWu.com/nick and take a moment to check out his healing experiential which brings you support for working with a challenging situation with a family member.

Candice Wu 1:16:52

If these podcasts bring you any joy, inspiration or support in your life and you want to contribute so that this can continue, feel free to go to my site at CandiceWu.com/patreon and on Patreon. Just want to let you know that if you’re interested in a healing meditation that is personalized just for you, there’s a level of donation monthly that you can receive a quarterly personalized meditation based on whatever you need in your life right now, what you’re building for yourself in the empowerment that you want and I do that intuitively and in connection with you based on what you want right now. So again, that’s CandiceWu.com/patreon.

Candice Wu 1:17:34

Before you leave today, I’d like to invite you to sign up for the bi-monthly newsletter that goes out with all sorts of podcasts, retreats, information, as well as resources for loving yourself and other healing experientials. You can find this at CandiceWu.com/embody and check out the page on Facebook The Embody Community, which brings very quick snippets of ways you can support yourself through the day, through the week, ways to love yourself, heal, or to bring more Embodiment to your experience that’s CandiceWu.com/embody. I’m so grateful you’re listening and take care. I’ll see you next time on The Embody Podcast.

Candice Wu 0:00

Today we have a very special episode, it’s an offering from Nick Werber who was a guest on the podcast this week, you can find Nick’s full episode at CandiceWu.com/nick. Enjoy this very powerful healing experience with Nick.

Nick Werber 0:25

Hello, this is Nick. I’m going to bring you through an exercise that combines Family Constellation work with Somatic healing work and a new technique I just learned from a person named Daniel Ryan in the city here.

So to start, just take a moment to get comfortable where you’re sitting and you can close your eyes when you do this. Or, if you don’t feel comfortable with that, sometimes people like to choose an area about three feet out in front of them, that they can kind of zone out into the floor and just softly keep their eyes open.

Now allow your attention to go down into your body. So sometimes I like to think of my attention as a spotlight or magnifying glass and just bring that down to the felt sense of contact between the soles of your feet and the floor. Just get a sense of what it feels like to be touching the floor. Is the floor soft or cold? And when you get a sense of that, move your attention like a spotlight up into your body. So slowly moving your attention, up your shins, into your knees, through your thighs, now up into your stomach and then to your chest.

Just take a moment to notice the rise and fall of your breathing there. No need to interfere or try to control it in any way. Just allowing your breathing to be the perfect breathing at this time.

So from here, I’m going to start.

Take a moment to imagine a family member that you may have some sort of negative emotional charge with right now. It can be someone you’re angry with, you’re frustrated with, someone you just feel resentment around. It can be someone that’s living or dead. It can also be someone you didn’t necessarily see during the holidays. Who comes to mind?

Imagine that person about five feet standing in front of you. So visualize them standing there facing you. What’s it feel like in your body for that person to be standing there looking at you? Do you feel frustration or tension or tingling? Where do you feel that sensation? Where do you feel it the most? Take a moment to locate that sensation.

For those who aren’t feeling unnecessarily a strong sensation, you can visualize that person taking two steps forward. So now they’re less than a foot away from you and check in with your body again. Where do you feel any kind of body sensations that are coming up? And where do you feel it the most? How would you rate that sensation on a scale of one to ten, ten being extremely uncomfortable?

And now as you’re paying attention to that uncomfortable sensation that you just rated, what color would best represent that sensation? What comes to mind first? It can be more than one color. But just name it in your mind.

Next, what would be a color that would represent the antidote to that color? You might think of it as the opposite of that color. But it just might be a soothing color that you feel would help the color that you just named. Now, with that new color, that soothing color, imagine that color coming in through the crown of your head down into your body and moving towards that area of discomfort you were just feeling. Allow that second color to come in and begin to touch the first color just to the edges. So right where you felt that area of whatever kind of discomfort or could be a tingling sensation, whatever the feeling was, allow those two colors to begin to merge. And at first, it can really just be cordial touching at the edges. But that they’re slowly starting to dissolve together and take a moment to let that complete.

Keep allowing the colors to merge, you might see a third color appear, or a new image. Just allow whatever it comes up to be.

Okay, I’m going to go on to the next step. So if you’re not done yet, you can open your eyes gently and pause the audio. For those who have completed, now, how would you rate that area of your body that you were originally feeling a sensation in? You had given it a number before, what number would you give it now on a scale of one to ten? How does that sensation feel now?

Did you feel a positive change? You can take a moment to celebrate, just in your mind’s eye. Maybe giving yourself a pat.

Here’s where the exercise comes to a landing. Before I got you out of it, I’ll just leave you with this. You just did a very focused piece of work on a family bond that resides within you. You can allow this exercise to drift away. There’s no need to analyze it or try to understand it. But in two or three weeks, you might be curious to just check-in, how is your external or internal relationship with this person changed?.

Thank you for being here with this exercise and I hope you enjoyed it.