This episode is about hope and losing hope so that you can feel fully free and embracing of your present experience.

Candice Wu 0:09

Hello and welcome. You’re listening to the Embody Podcast, a show about remembering and embodying your true nature, inner wisdom, embodied healing, and self-love.

Candice Wu 0:25

My name is Candice Wu, and I’m a holistic healing facilitator, intuitive coach, and artist, sharing my personal journey of vulnerability, offering meditations and guided healing support, and having co-creative conversations with healers and wellness practitioners from all over the world.

Candice Wu 0:34

This episode is made possible by my supporters on Patreon I truly appreciate all of the support that I’m receiving there. All of the episodes that I make here, as well as any free guided meditations or healing experiences, are all made with love and a lot of time and energy that I love doing, and it just helps a lot when people feel inspired to give back to support that process. You can find that information on CandiceWu.com/patreon, and I encourage you to take a look if you feel compelled to be a part of this process.

Candice Wu 1:03

This is part of the a{Live} now series, and it’s been some time since I’ve done one of these episodes. a{Live} now was my signature title for something that’s in my process right now, something that I’m receiving in me or discovering in myself, where I just share a little bit more raw and unpolished, and moment to moment. So, here it is.

Candice Wu 1:48

When I finally sat down with myself the other day, it was that I had a very large headache, there was tension in my shoulders, and I just couldn’t ignore what was going on inside of me any longer. It was as if my body was saying, “Okay, if you’re not going to listen, then we’re going to make you almost sick.” So, I felt worn down, I felt like I was on the edge of having a cold, but it wasn’t quite breaking out. And usually, at least now in my life, when I have some sickness, there is a spiritual connection with whatever I’m going through.

Candice Wu 2:25

So, the experience and message that I was receiving inside of myself were, “Candice, lose all hope. Forget about hope. Right now, it’s not helping you anymore, you know this already. But we’re just going to cleanse out all of hope, whatever’s left of it.” As you probably know, from listening to me, or anything that you’ve read about my work, that I work with different parts of myself, and I encourage others to do that as well. So, that’s what I mean, when I say we, it’s like many parts of me are on board with this now. Let’s lose hope. As I felt through that I just felt some emotions move through like grief, a little bit of loss, a little bit of hoping and wishing that ended up in disappointment. And what I realized, hope is about for me at times is control. And I’m bringing this conversation to the podcast because I think it’s a very interesting topic to look at your own life and whether you feel hope is serving you right now, at some points, hope has served me a great deal.

Candice Wu 3:35

There was a very clear time in my life, where I realized what hope was doing. And it was when I had been let down over and over by my father, and I just was hoping it would be different. I was also working for a change and doing my part in creating a better relationship with him, and it was so devastating every time I would run up against the same experience. So, it was like re-traumatizing myself every time. It was finally when I realized again, how painful this was that I was shattered. And the hope that I had for things to be different, wasn’t there anymore, because somehow he had broken it enough times, and I was pretty much left in shambles about my relationship with my father, I really wanted a loving connection with him. And I wanted to be seen by him, something that I struggled with all my life.

Candice Wu 4:41

And what I realized at that time was, I have no more hope. And actually, it’s a good thing, because then I will not return to the thing that is actually hurting me. And I realized that hope isn’t always at play in this same way, for me and for other people, so, I’m just offering this as my own experience of how hope has been a survival mechanism for me. And in this way, hope, the idea of wishing and wanting, and craving for something to be different than it was, seem to be associated and paired up with my survival mode experience, the survival mode period of my life where I was pleasing my family the best I could in order to be loved and to be seen. I didn’t know my own worth, and I didn’t know that I was important. And I tried to find that connection with my parents in any way I could so that I could feel that worth and value, and I wasn’t receiving it. And so, using hope, the thought that things might be better in the future, actually was one way that I could manage to live through what was a very traumatizing period of my life.

Candice Wu 6:07

When I got to the point where I was old enough to be aware of what was happening and could get some support from other people, I had more resources at that point, and I realized I didn’t need that hope anymore, that the hope was actually hurting me, not so much keeping me alive anymore. What the hope was doing was keeping me from actually looking at the devastating feelings that I had inside that I was heartbroken. And it took some time for my body to build the safety and resilience to feel through all those emotions bit by bit, and the hope just helped me keep some of those emotions that day.

Candice Wu 6:53

So, hope was a way that I could control and titrate my feelings so that they didn’t come blasting at me all at once. And I can see where that was helpful and protective and adaptive for me in the past. But now, it doesn’t so much serve me. I’m at the place where what I desire for myself is true presence and the ability to embrace what’s here and to explore what opportunities bring me because they could bring me a plethora of things more joy than I could even imagine more joy than I could think of in my mind. But also, it could bring me a deepening of feeling certain aspects of myself that have been hidden, painful ones, it could be bringing me to feel the emotions that are challenging. But that gives me a richer place of experience. And I have the resource to be able to feel so many emotions now that I’m open to seeing what something might bring. I’m not saying that that’s particularly easy, I still, obviously, quite struggle with different emotions at different times.

Candice Wu 8:03

Just as I was mentioning, it even took me a little bit to get to this message for myself, having less control on my present experience also can open up the learning that might be an opportunity in this moment, for the lessons that my soul and my spirit deeply need to learn. This probably being one of them, to let go of expectation, let go of a tight grip on what you think the experience should be. But to open up and see that there’s way more than what you think you want. There’s a spiritual experience that we want to have lessons that we want to learn the way that we want our character to build in the long run and as a spirit, that go way beyond the earthly desires that we have, that go way beyond the way that we think life ought to be in this present day, birth consciousness. And these are matters of the heart, matters of love, and learning of all the different possibilities of the universe, all the different tools that we have to use and ways that we can connect with different parts of us and each other. And this probably is one of them for me is to see hope as not always a good thing, but when can it be a thing that isn’t useful anymore.

Candice Wu 9:31

So, back to hope as control. When we say, “Oh, I hope it will be this way, or I hope you are well.” It’s not that I’m criticizing these things were that we shouldn’t say them because they come with a lot of sentiment. But what I think is actually happening is that we are projecting our own sense of what we think is better, for people and for ourselves, because we’re scared of what actually is or and what actually may be in its place. It’s a very subtle, and it’s not meant to be a criticism of anyone or any wording or anything like that. But as I was looking at the energy of hope, it felt like, yeah, a very subtle version of control on my experience.

Candice Wu 10:25

If I don’t put that control on my experience, then I’m open to having more space for presents, like true presents and creativity right now, for true receiving or giving in the moment or creating. So, I feel that I’m wiping my hard drive, my entire system, clean of hope, and opening myself more to the space of not knowing and realizing, and feeling what else is beyond that hope.

Candice Wu 10:59

I find that hope also creates a distance between me and the thing that I want. If I think that I hope for something, I’m actually wanting it. If I say I want that, or I would like that, versus I hope for that, there’s something for me that feels like I’m even closer to the thing that I’m speaking of rather than having a little more distance, hope feels like it may not be possible. And want feels like an expression of my desire, which makes something even that much more possible. Hope seems to feel like it leaves me hanging and it’s a bit hollow because it can mean so many different things. There’s a bit more action embedded in wanting something then hoping for something, it feels like I’m reaching for something that’s very far away and it keeps a distance between me and the future.

Candice Wu 12:00

Another example of this is saying, “I hope I can do it.” And when I say that, I hope I can do it. I think what I actually might be meaning is something like I’m not sure if I can do it, or I feel anxious about my capabilities, or I’m uncertain. And saying that to me feels like it owns the emotion that’s behind what I’m experiencing. It’s a little clear and present to my experience that allows that experience to move and to evolve in its way. For me, it feels even more honest and real to the experience to speak to what’s underneath that hope. That sounds similar also for me when I’m saying, “I hope that you’re doing well” to somebody, because underneath that is my care for them and my love for them or my warm sentiments, or it’s I don’t want to know how you’re doing. And I just hope you’re well, that’s what’s a bit of a distance again.

Candice Wu 13:04

So, just as hope is a form of control, it also is a form of disempowerment, but not all the time, because sometimes it’s helpful to us, as I mentioned with my younger self, but in the place where you don’t actually need to hope for something different that you can have the resources now to embody and be in your experience. Hope may be a form of disempowerment, it’s giving away your power, And part of our power is to feel holding and feel embracing of all of what this moment is offering us, not just the slim part of happiness or joy, that is an experience but the whole entirety of the experience.

Candice Wu 13:49

So, for me, right now, it might be better to be hopeless, and not necessarily hopeless in the way we’ve associated hopeless to be, such as feeling depressed, or with absolutely no life in me or feeling of light, but hoping less. For me, that’s a vibration of feeling into my power now, that I can be in the present situation, I can manifest what I want in my life. And I can work with the fears that do come up around that. But that I don’t need to control the situation, to the degree that I feel hope even brings. The expectation on my experience creates a restriction, and it just gives a slim and narrow space for experiencing what’s truly there when I’m really open to experiencing more than that. I am increasingly more open to the possibilities of what may come in an experience, and it takes me out of being locked in a previous experience. So, when we have for something, we’re actually referring to an experience that is without that thing that we hope, and that holds us and ties us to a previous experience of reaction to a previous experience that we’ve had, it’s a bit limited.

Candice Wu 15:17

So, what I’m doing with myself is taking a good look at the energy of hope in my life, in my body, and how it feels, how passive it might feel now, and how it feels like it’s a passive way to control my experience. And I’ve looked at how that energy comes into my wording and how I communicate with people. And seeing if there’s something else I actually mean, if hope is just a filler word, “I hope you’re well, I hope that you have a good time.” Is it a filler word for some sentiment that I want to share with them? Is there something more honest, clear or direct that I might say, and I’m also looking at choosing different energy besides hope, perhaps trust or faith, and seeing how I can play with that energy now to support me in my next steps.

Candice Wu 16:11

Another aspect I’ve been exploring around this is prayer. And when is prayer also tuning into the energy of hope versus faith or belief or asking? I think all of those are different feelings and vibrations. If any of this is resonating for you, I want to remind you that these are just my personal experiences, some of the thoughts I’ve been having around hope, and where I personally am. And I want to say that hope is helpful when you’re in the very, very, very dark, darkest of the dark, and you need something to help you to get to some light, you think hope does bring some light when you need it. And we do need to feel like we’re in control. And that has some semblance of control of ourselves or our world around us, and I’ve often heard and said myself as a therapist, to someone who feels very hopeless, that perhaps I’ll hold the hope until they can. And sometimes that feels very comforting. And I think what I really meant to say in those situations, or now looking back, be had felt in that situation was that I actually believed in them. I believed in them that their life could be the way that they wanted it to be. I believed in them that they were worthy of life and that they could have a different kind of life.

Candice Wu 17:45

So, again, that’s my exploration of how am I using those words, and what they actually mean. What does hope actually mean? So, as I share all these personal thoughts, and explorations, they’re not meant to be a rule for everyone or something that everyone needs to consider at this moment. But if something about this does pick your interest, it may be interesting for you to look at and just become aware of the energy of hope in your life, where you feel hopeful, or where you say you hope for something, or hope for something for someone else, and what amount of control is that on your experience or on someone else’s experience? Or the expectation that things should be a certain way, when really, that’s just an idea of morality, or an idea of intolerance to the whole picture of light and dark?

Candice Wu 18:45

And where is hope serving you and your life and where isn’t it? When has it served you and what hasn’t it? And is it something you want to feel into a bit more of an active place in your life rather than hoping and hoping? Is it supporting you in slowing down the process of your emotions coming through or realizing the depth of a certain situation you’re in? Does hope help you titrate it so that you don’t feel it all come crashing down, right now? Do you mean something different when you say the word hope? And just a gentle reminder to not use this as a way to criticize yourself or to be harsh, but to just let this be a curious exploration of the energy of hope and being hopeless.

Candice Wu 19:38

So, of course, there’s a part of me that wants to say, “I hope that this is an interesting podcast for you or I hope that somehow this is helpful for you.” And I’m reexamining what I might even say in this moment about that, but as a feel my energy a little bit deeper into my body, into my hips and legs, what I feel is the I’m grateful if you’re listening and appreciate all the feedback that I get questions and experiences in response to the things I share. Thank you for all of those and thank you for listening.

Candice Wu 20:14

If you have a differing opinion or want to debate this, offer different ideas, things that resonate with you, I’d love to hear from you. You can email me at [email protected]. You can also find me in the Embody Community at CandiceWu.com/embody.

Candice Wu 20:34

So, stay tuned for more a{Live} now episodes. There is a lot of energy moving through me, a lot of explorations that I want to share with you. So, take care and see you next time on the Embody Podcast.