I recently had to make some big choices to end situations and relationships that were not fully healthy for me. I noticed that I was accepting parts of the relationship while other parts were not in agreement with me, even once I had communicated and expressed my needs and boundaries.

I felt I needed or and at times was addicted to certain aspects of the relationship, but the other parts of it were hurting me. This was a familiar feeling of codependency — in which I felt I couldn’t quite let go for a time because certain parts served me, while I could conveniently ignore other parts. I was wishing that the parts that weren’t going so well would get better — and I continued to hope and ignore the reality that it wasn’t getting better.

There’s a time for deepening my ability to feel and allowing the completion of the feelings, and a time to walk away. Suzi Tucker, one of my Family Constellations teachers, suggests that we ask ourselves if we can say to the other: I agree to you. So did I agree to these people in my life? Sort of. Fully? No. The interesting thing is that as I shifted this dynamic internally, the external relationship transformed. In both situations, I found a new distance to relate to this person, one where I could be loving. In one situation, that meant not having interaction and in another, the relationship dynamic shifted on both ends and we now can interact differently, yet not as closely as before.

This actually emerged in synchrony with the protests of the Extradition Bill in Hong Kong. I felt a huge wave of sadness yet love when I saw the waves of Hong Kong people that had come out to protest. Many of the people that took a stand would likely not be affected, but they care enough for their freedom and each other’s rights that they are speaking out and risking the possibility of consequence (like students that initiated the 2014 protest for democratic rights). Hong Kong is where my parents grew up, and as many of you know, I have spent much time there with my grandma when she was alive, with cousins, aunt, and uncle.

So as I’m watching the millions of people stand for the one person, I wondered — do I stand up for ALL of the parts of myself? Do I make choices that continue to trade in some amount of pleasure or practicality and sacrifice another part of me to get hurt? Where am I incongruent with all of what I need or desire with what I allow in and attract in my life?

A Chance to Love

All of the experiences in life in the larger scope and personal level are opportunities to deepen in our own loving and in the experience of being human and knowing who we are. Chances to love ourselves and the emotions that come up. Perhaps the traumas that emerge, and giving ourselves the space to deepen our experience. To know we are the love underneath it all.

❤ What experiences have been tugging at your heart to be acknowledged?

❤ Where are you struggling, frustrated, angry or hurt?

❤ Are there places you accept the partial form of what you desire or places where you don’t fully agree but you have agreed?

❤ What happens if you position your experiences as an opportunity to accelerate your experience of deepening and loving?

❤ Are you willing to feel the feelings?

❤ What does love and inner guidance inspire you to do?

Not About Avoidance but Acceptance

For me, the actions I take — the leaving or ending situations — is not about avoiding the hurt that came, but about feeling the hurt and then choosing something different to support myself. It is to not continue to choose hurt and understand why I did for so long. It was about what my learning was at this time — to choose a path that I typically don’t take.

The actions that arise from feeling through challenges in your life may be different from mine. This is the beauty of our individual souls and paths — we are in training for different purposes. There’s no cookie cutter “you should always leave a bad situation” or “you should stick it out and toughen up” advice, because sometimes one’s growth is something else.

Sometimes we are willing to feel our feelings and sometimes we are not or cannot! It is always a choice to feel or not, except in the case of your nervous system overriding choice with instinct. We can feel overwhelmed by our feelings because our nervous system needs a greater sense of resource and safety. Be gentle and notice this to not override your nervous system telling you this. You can practice pendulating and building your capacity over time with Somatic Experience and Family Constellations tools. Listen to a podcast and guided healing experience/support for pendulation and building resources.

 

Featured Photo Candice Wu