Candice Wu 0:00

This episode is part one of three of taking versus receiving and the balance between taking and receiving versus giving, and where we’re coming from in each of these.

Candice Wu 0:14

Part one here is specifically about the assertive energy of taking, and where that comes from developmentally, how we can use that energy in our lives when we need it, and to clear up any belief systems, belief sets that interfere with our ability to use that tool in our lives.

Candice Wu 0:38

Hello, and welcome. You’re listening to the Embody Podcast, a show about remembering and embodying your true nature, inner wisdom, Embodied Healing, and self-love. My name is Candice Wu and I’m a holistic healing facilitator, intuitive coach, and artist sharing my personal journey of vulnerability, offering meditations and guided healing support, and having co-creative conversations with healers and wellness practitioners from all over the world.

Candice Wu 1:12

Hi, everyone, welcome back to the Embody Podcast. It is fabulous to have you here. We have here part one of three of this exploration around taking, receiving, and giving and it’s going to be very interesting because the last episode will land on the week of Thanksgiving for the United States. But regardless if you have Thanksgiving or not coming up, the ideas around giving, taking, receiving can be very interesting to explore. And part of my interest in this is looking at those ways of being and clearing up belief sets that just don’t belong with it, things that we’ve associated with giving or taking, or receiving as a society as well as personally in your lineage maybe or in your soul, and just cleaning that up so that there’s a very clear way to take in your life to receive and to give that it comes from a very congruent and deep place of concurrency, and integrity.

Candice Wu 2:21

Before we go into this conversation, I am thrilled to announce that the Ally with Death experiential, that I used to have as an online experience where you type in your responses is now an audio experience. So it’s a recording that is set to some moody and provocative music, along with my voice guiding you through a death of the old ways of being that you may have that are ready to die, habits and belief sets that you may want to release or recognize now, and find a way to transform and an experience to rebirth you into what feels more like you, now and today, what feels life-giving and present.

Candice Wu 3:07

This is just a fabulous creation by me and a friend of mine, Larry Saint Germain, and he is who created all of the music that is just going to shake up all of what stagnant and decaying on the inside and ready to die. His music along with the editing and amalgamation of the music by Chris Spiegl, which is also the editor of the podcast, and a friend of mine and former partner of mine. This is just a beautiful creation by the three of us that was originally inspired by Ana T. Forrest who created the death meditation.

Candice Wu 3:52

So if you’re interested in shifting out of stagnancy, or if you’re feeling stuck in your life, if there is anxiety or depression, uncertainty about the next steps or what you need to be doing in your life, if there are ways of being that feel just not serving you anymore, or uncomfortable, or like, you need to change, or if you just want to get some clarity for yourself or you’re intrigued about how death can support life, how embracing death can give you more life or you’re interested in following nature’s guidance to go inward and let die what needs to die as the winter approaches, then check out the Ally with Death audio experiential. So if you dare, then you can find that experience at CandiceWu.com/death.

Candice Wu 4:45

It’s a great gift for someone who might benefit from this or you’re feeling like need some support in this area, something to shake things up or stimulate something new, provoke something new. I love this experience. And even for myself at least twice a year, I love to do this. And so it’s a great way to let die what needs to die and to build a relationship with death, which gives us more life. It’s really, truly building our relationship with life. And when we resist death, we resist life.

Candice Wu 5:23

So looking at death, the ability to see what death brings, what can die and how it feels, and what needs to can let us embody something else in this life for us, and what’s really true and alive right now. So again, that’s at CandiceWu.com/death, and it is on sale now until November 15, 2019.

Candice Wu 5:50

It’s so fitting that this experiential is birthing itself here on the tail end of Dia de Los Muertos and this shift of mercury going into retrograde at the end of October and into November, where for me, I felt a lot of shift in myself. I felt like things did need to die. And even one day, last weekend, I was in this half-awake, half-sleep state and I heard myself say in my mind, I am dying. And it wasn’t the kind of I’m dying that people can typically say like, I feel awful, I’m dying. It was more like I knew and I felt aware that there were things inside of me that were dismantling and dying off and breaking off, crumbling and it was really interesting. I didn’t really have words to describe what that was, but I knew in my feeling sense and my felt sense that something was happening and that growth was happening even though it was very uncomfortable.

Candice Wu 7:09

It took a little bit of time for me to verbalize what was going on and now I can say that I was letting go of some ways of being, where I might protect people from their feelings by accommodating them, not telling people what I really want, need or what I want to say. But really, I’m protecting myself and at the same time, I felt like there was a very strong oath that I had taken somewhere in my life, and somewhere in my soul in past lives, to protect the men. And what that took out to be was to protect men from their emotions and to work around that and shapeshift so that men around me didn’t have to feel uncomfortable or have reactions. And I know that growing up, that was a survival mechanism, because my dad might blow up or say something really mean to me. But while I’d worked with that a lot in my lifetime, especially in the last 11 years, 10 years, it felt deeper than that.

Candice Wu 8:24

So as many of you know, that are working with me or have heard the podcast, or have heard the work of Charmayne Kilcup, which is one of my healers, who brings this method through Robert Waterman, her teacher, is that I used forgiveness statements to release this a bit. And when I said the words: I forgive myself for judging myself for all the times and places that I vowed and promised to protect men.

Candice Wu 8:53

I could feel something in my body shifting even though mentally I may not have known what that was and it felt like more of my body opened up, more freedom opened up, more capacity to be present. And that was showing itself a little bit before this feeling of I’m dying inside. But as that happened, I think more that died in me, the need to do that and the need to protect myself and others from our feelings and reactions and it led to me feeling more like myself, and more assertive and also feeling more aligned with the present moment where I’m making choices that reflect and are congruent with what I need and desire right now, and less attached to future outcomes, like what will happen in the future if I choose x, y, and z now, where I know that even if I have those thought processes things can change between now and “the future”.

Candice Wu 10:05

And so when I make decisions like that, it really doesn’t serve me and it’s really just a little bit of anxiety about, anxiety that’s feeling of not trusting myself in the future, not trusting what may come. And so along with this dying inside, I have felt more aligned with joy and what’s true to myself now, and more able to just make a very clear and direct choice for myself.

Candice Wu 10:39

It’s really comparable to my experience with horses and all the work I’ve done with horses and just watching them and learning from them is they’ll just go for what they want. And they’re working with what’s present in the moment, what’s presenting in the moment and responding to that and choosing what they’re feeling like doing without the thinking of the future.

Candice Wu 11:05

And as I’m saying this, I realized that I’m not exactly saying that I’m not going to be thinking about the future in choices that I make. There are definite times that I will be doing that and need to be doing that and that’s an important tool. I’m more speaking towards other things that just don’t affect the future and they’re more clearly aligned with what just needs to happen now.

Candice Wu 11:31

So as I say all these, what in you is dying? Or, what do you want to let go of and shift or shake off of you? What beliefs in you are up for reevaluation or ways of being, ways that you interact with people? Where are there places that you can try something different and what would happen? What are belief sets that if you didn’t have to live with or live by, might create a different result in your life?

Candice Wu 12:13

I’d love to hear from you if you’re interested in sharing with me what’s happening for you and if you’re interested in going deeper, as I mentioned earlier, the Ally with Death experiential is a great way to do that.

Candice Wu 12:27

And also, as we’re nearing the holiday season, I would like to just have this moment to remind us all of giving some time to ourselves, to tend to what’s happening in our inner world. Well, a lot in the outer world can be happening.

Candice Wu 12:46

These last couple of days, I noticed that I had some tension start to build up in my neck and my shoulders and when that’s the case, I know that I’ve been neglecting something that wants to be honored inside and maybe some emotions that want to move. And when I just scoot by life, without giving myself that extra time and space, it can just be this slow accumulation of what wants to be seen inside and it builds up for me in tension. Does that happen for you and do you need a little time to just sit with yourself and perhaps even give a little self-touch or contact to your body in a way that suits your body?

Candice Wu 13:41

So I invite you to do that right now. Just take this moment while we’re here together and let go of your tension on anything in the outer world and turn that energy towards yourself to give yourself this moment of peace with yourself that doesn’t ask anything more of yourself, doesn’t pressure yourself to be any certain way or to do, or accomplish anything. And if there’s a way that your body would like to be touched, a way that feels soothing or caring to your body, allow yourself to do that. Maybe that’s a soft hug or touching a place in your body, on your body that feels like it needs support, or a release without pressuring your body to release or do anything.

Candice Wu 14:46

Just sense into your breath, how you’re doing in this moment, how it is to be in your body, right here.

Candice Wu 15:04

And even this one minute of doing so, notice if anything changes in you or reveals itself.

Candice Wu 15:21

And now we’ll shift into our conversation for today, which is about taking and it’s part one of the taking, receiving, and giving conversation and as we, just to conclude this moment of taking space and time for yourself, feels like a perfect bridge to the conversation of taking.

Candice Wu 15:45

Taking can mean so many things. It can mean taking what you desire, taking space, as we just said, taking time, taking up space, taking a pace that’s right for you, taking what you need, taking a walk or a hike, taking more or take two, like, try again, or do the second round, like in every rehearsal take two, take three and also taking your place, taking your place, your sense of belonging and who you are. What other words come up for you around taking where taking is something that’s necessary or needed?

Candice Wu 16:51

I’ve often felt that people stigmatize the act of taking, like, they shouldn’t take or that it’s selfish to take and you should just give.

Candice Wu 17:04

So this is part of why I wanted to have this conversation today is that there’s a relationship between taking and giving, and give and take. There is a difference between taking versus receiving. And how can we look at these and peel off on pair of things that have been tangled up with the ability to take, receive, and give so that we can be really congruent and very present with what’s really happening when we do any of those actions.

Candice Wu 17:55

I want to start with taking and the majority of the conversation today will be about taking. Next week will be about receiving and the week after about giving. And I’ll just briefly say here, well, there’s the stigmatization of taking at times, I’ve often noticed an overvaluing of giving.

Candice Wu 18:20

Giving is absolutely a beautiful thing and it can make us feel really good. It can make others feel great. But it can also deplete those who overgive. And why do we do that?

Candice Wu 18:34

I’ve often done that myself. Where does that come from? Is there a deception coming from that, the need to please others or do the nice thing, the thing that might make others see you in a good light? Is there a manipulation involved? Is there a sense of appeasing or fun, which is often spoken as the fourth state of fight, flight, and freeze. Fun or appease is a way that we might freeze in parts of us shut down, parts of what we need or need to express, to put that aside, in order to please and accommodate or submit to someone else and their needs so that we can get some safety, love or attention from that or perhaps belonging.

Candice Wu 19:31

So, that’s just a very brief touching on giving and also what’s to come in two weeks from now.

Candice Wu 19:43

And right now, I want to talk about the developmental experience of taking and a lot of people say, you need to give and take or there’s a give and take, and what my teacher in Family Constellations, Suzi Tucker says: “it is take then give”, that taking comes before giving.

Candice Wu 20:10

So my interpretation and my understanding of that is that developmentally we need to take and receive in order to be able to turn around towards others and give. So let’s break that down a little more specifically, that taking what we need, means taking love, it means taking food and nourishment, reaching out for support, reaching out in something, someone being there to receive us. We cannot truly give before we take because there might not be much to give if we don’t have what we need inside.

Candice Wu 21:08

Somehow as children, we tend to be able to give, even if it seems like we have not received what we needed. Perhaps, we did receive something and we’re just not aware of it or from farther back where we have some capacity on us. Or, it’s just clear that we are giving without having received what we need, and there’s a price to pay for that.

Candice Wu 21:42

So I’m specifically talking about when we’re young, that it’s developmentally necessary to be supported in what we need. We need a sense of safety, we need food, we need touch. We need love and attunement, and attention. We need someone to reflect who we are and what we’re feeling, what we’re experiencing. We need someone to protect us, we need the support of a regulated nervous system that gives us the ability to build a nervous system that feels safe. We need to feel that we belong and have a place.

Candice Wu 22:30

And so when we’re young, we need to be able to take what we need. And taking is more active than receiving, we absolutely need to receive. So if our parents give us something to hold out our hands and let that come into our hands, or the ability to let someone’s attention towards us come into our hearts and bodies. And of course, if that wasn’t there for you, then there may be all sorts of disruptions or even an experience of trauma because of it. But we also need to be able to take.

Candice Wu 23:15

So if you think of a baby breastfeeding, the baby needs to be able to suck in order to eat and receive the milk. We need to be able to ask for what we want and take it. We need to be able to just be that spunky child that grabs what they need, because we need to know what we need and that it’s available for us to have. We need to be able to feel allowed to ask for things and assert those things that we need, what we want, and we need the permission from others to take what we need to have what we need the right to take. It is a right and it’s more assertive and active than receiving, even though receiving is also a very important essential aspect.

Candice Wu 24:15

So when we talk about taking, I don’t mean taking what’s not yours or taking more than you need that’s coming from lack. It’s really about the sense of abundance and that there’s a right to take what is yours, what you need, and what you desire from a place of that capacity to receive and have. If we had the right to take what we needed, would we need to take more than that? Maybe not.

Candice Wu 24:55

If we felt trusting that we could take what we needed, we could have it, then we might have a different way of being in the world and with each other. Sometimes we take from others if we think we can’t have it or can’t create it for ourselves, maybe that comes from jealousy or a place that we weren’t able to take and receive in our lives. Again, that’s a sense of scarcity or lack. But also coming from a real experience perhaps, of not having what you needed when you needed it, not being able to take and reach out.

Candice Wu 25:38

So, when I was younger, I stole things, like, I stole clothing, I stole lip gloss, and I look back upon that and see that I, perhaps was trying to fill the gap of what I needed where I could, sadly and close would never really fulfill the nourishment and the love and the safety and belonging that I actually needed. And so I had to take what was not mine and I couldn’t. I felt like I couldn’t take love and safety because it wasn’t there in the way that I needed it. So we might displace our needs, our basic needs of taking what we need and take beyond more than that.

Candice Wu 26:31

So I do wonder if this is the root of greed. Feeling like we can’t really have or take what we need, what we truly need, and then finding ways to replace it, that really don’t satisfy or quench that need but become a vacuum and insatiable, unfulfillable.

Candice Wu 27:00

And when we talk about taking, I don’t mean stealing, as well. And I don’t mean when it relates to someone else sexually, like taking what you want in terms of someone’s body or their energy because that’s also not yours to take and consent is an essential part of that process and another conversation in itself.

Candice Wu 27:27

So I want to pause a little bit in this conversation because it’s been a bit amorphous for me to talk about taking the development of taking, what taking refers to and I want to just allow a space and moment to check-in, for you to check-in with yourself if you desire about what your relationship with taking is.

Candice Wu 27:53

Do you allow yourself to take in general, to take what you need to take what you want? If you reach out to take, do you expect it to be there? Or, do you feel you can’t take what you need? Can’t have what you need or get what you need. Do you take more or too much? And is that just your perception that it’s too much or is it truly more than you need? For example, me stealing or hoarding or crossing boundaries and taking what’s not yours, are you taking more than your share? Because that can come from that same energy of lack or scarcity or some wound where you needed something and it wasn’t there for you. And if there is a kind of taking that is more than what you essentially need. Is there a place that you weren’t fulfilled in your needs?

Candice Wu 29:22

And as we go a little deeper here with more questions to ask yourself, what is your impression of your young life? And if you were able to reach out and take. If what you needed to take was there and available, was it abundant or was it scarce? And what comes up for you in terms of your images or sensations or feelings when we talk about taking and taking what you need?

Candice Wu 30:12

When I’ve worked with this, I had an impression of what it was like for me when I was in utero. It’s in ourselves and in our bones, the impression of whether or not we could take what we needed. We could have it, that could relate to our young life. It could relate to past life experiences or the sense of how it is in our lineage and ancestry, in our family systems in the world.

Candice Wu 30:53

So let’s switch gears here for a moment. If you need a little more time with those questions, feel free to rewind and repeat them or take a break here and pause. These are deep questions and they may not be answerable at the moment but something you take with you if they’re interesting or you’re curious.

Candice Wu 31:12

But now I want to take a moment to talk about our place in the world. And I will reference my teacher Suzi Tucker again, she says that the right place is always taken, and that can mean a million things.

Candice Wu 31:33

She says the right place is always taken not given and what I understand that to mean is that when we come into this life, there’s this way that we unconsciously sense that we need to be in a place, a literal position to our parents or others in our lineage that we stand in and that typically isn’t our place. It typically isn’t the place of a child to these parents, able to receive all they’re giving us and move forward in life as an adult. It typically is that we’re standing as a parent to someone else, or standing next to someone who’s dead. Because that experience hasn’t been integrated in the family system or nobody wants to look and so that place that we’re given, isn’t really the right one.

Candice Wu 32:34

And when we look at scarcity or lack, if we’re in a place that is not ours, there is nothing there for us that is truly ours, it’s not our right place. It’s not where we belong and it’s not where we can receive all the love and support that we need because it’s out of order.

Candice Wu 32:56

And in Family Constellations Work, we see this very dimensionally and literally, with people’s bodies representing the people in your lineage and where you’re standing, given the dynamics that are unconscious and what you were given in your life. And we look to where your places and what’s needed to support the shift of coming back to where your place is, and your place, the most simple truth is that your places as child to these parents, whether that’s mother and mother, mother and father, father and father, whoever, or however they describe themselves and it is only from that place that you’re able to receive the love that is for you, the belonging that is yours.

Candice Wu 33:56

The gifts in the lineage that are sending their way down, flowing their way down to you the life force that gives you and animates your expression in life, and allows you to turn around full, and with all of these gifts and strength, and support and love, to look towards your life with momentum and movement forward, that’s your place.

Candice Wu 34:26

And that right place is always taken, because we’re always, almost always, I’ve never seen differently, given a place that’s not ours. And so when we take our rightful place, it is us coming as adults to say, this is my place and this was my place as a child, and to recover all of what is there for us to receive and take what is all there for us. So that we can move forward in life and we can give. We can be, we can live, we can experience with fullness and ease, and it doesn’t feel restricted by the fact that part of our capacity, our energy, and our awareness is somewhere else in a different spot but more of us is here.

Candice Wu 35:24

And the interesting thing is we often don’t take our place because we feel we need to be there for someone else or protect someone else or, we can’t get what we need in our true place and we must come to find what it is that would truly be there if we did take our place.

Candice Wu 35:48

We see this also with leaders. If they don’t take up that leadership role, are they going to be able to do it wholeheartedly, like if others push them into that role, and there’s a part of them that doesn’t truly want it?

Candice Wu 36:04

Taking our place might mean taking up our alignment with who we truly are, who we really are, and what that means. And sometimes that’s scary, to be our full and whole selves when we’ve had experiences or messages that tell us, we’re too much or we shouldn’t be ourselves, we shouldn’t have what we want or do or be the thing that we are, the way that we are when there’s a judgment towards us.

Candice Wu 36:43

And so it’s hard to take our place sometimes, but isn’t that what we’re here to do? And what if everyone did that, lived in the truth of who we are, and expressed it just as we are and if we allow each other to do that and honored each other for it.

Candice Wu 37:04

And I do believe we have that chance right now as a collective to begin and continue for many doing that, seeing yourself as you are more and more, seeing others when they express themselves, taking our own place, taking up the love that we are, taking up the beauty and the gifts that we are and allowing them to express in a way that is right for us. There are belief sets and messages that we get, as I said that stop us from taking our place or taking what we need, taking in general, if we go back to this more general topic of taking, taking what you desire.

Candice Wu 37:58

For me, I’ve had messages of, I’m selfish, I shouldn’t take what I need. I shouldn’t take what I want, that I have to give to others before taking what I need. I have to be selfless and not concerned with myself at all, that it’s cruel to take what I need or others won’t have what they need if I take it. And that refers again, in my opinion, to lack taking more than you need. But this is all relative, isn’t it? What’s needed and what’s not and who decides that? Only you decide what you need.

Candice Wu 38:42

And if you’re truly in connection with your deeper self, your inner self, then what you need is what you need period. And you can come to find more and more layers of why you need what you need or why you desire what you desire. And yet, do you feel worthy of taking your place, taking what you need and what you desire or taking what’s yours. You have a place in this world, that’s a given because you’re here. So if you have a place, there’s all sorts of abundance that is yours. It’s yours. It’s nobody else’s, it’s here for you, and there’s space for you to have what you need and what you desire. And when we truly feel and believe that that’s true and live that, it’s my sense that what we have then becomes enough and we may not need or want, as much as we might have in the past or think we do.

Candice Wu 40:11

So as you take this in for you, what kinds of beliefs come up about taking what’s needed or taking your place and what you desire? Are you allowed to? Can you?

Candice Wu 40:28

And what are the possibilities for you if you use the energy of taking, that assertive energy that allows you to have what you need? The baby that just sucks on mom’s breast and just takes the food they need, because it’s there.

Candice Wu 40:49

Where in your life is this energy needed or can be utilized to bring you more in yourself and to bring a sense of wholeness to yourself and congruence?

Candice Wu 41:10

So as we conclude today’s episode, I plan on taking a lot of time to myself and letting my friends and family know that I may not be as available, putting certain boundaries in place so that I’m not overextending myself this month, taking up space and letting my body unravel and unwind even more and feel safe and at ease and what do you need for yourself and what is it time for here? What if you could take what you needed and also let others do that when they need it.

Candice Wu 42:05

So thanks for joining me today and next week we will be talking about receiving and what may block receiving, what gets tied up in receiving. It’s balanced with giving and how we can be in a more receptive mode so that we can receive more of what’s here for us.

Candice Wu 42:34

Thanks so much for joining me today and if you want to be on my newsletter, I’ve decided to take more time in between newsletters, so it’s coming out generally every three weeks now.

Candice Wu 42:46

And the newsletter comes out with updates about me, the podcast events and retreats that are coming up, and self-love notes. You can find that at CandiceWu.com/embody.

Candice Wu 43:01

It’s always wonderful to have you here and I’m so grateful for your support. If these podcasts touch you or support you in any way, and you’d like to give back or send some gratitude to me or support the podcast, you can do so at CandiceWu.com/support by offering a one-time contribution, or subscribe to a monthly contribution that just continues on an ongoing basis. And at that website too, you can find all sorts of options for you to receive something in return for your contribution like personal meditations, or you can be part of the Embodied group healing call that happens once a month and even the one on one retreats and personal sessions and other experiences that I offer. All of that goes to support the podcast which offers free meditations and experiences here.

Candice Wu 43:59

You can also find the free meditations at CandiceWu.com/meditations. And there you can search for any meditation based on what you might be needing in your life right now or any topic that has been on your mind and see what there is on the podcast from me and my guests. Again, that’s at Candicewu.com/ meditations.

Candice Wu 44:25

It’s been a true pleasure to have you and I can’t believe that it’s actually been two years since I went to Chiang Mai, Thailand and that’s where the birth of the podcast happened in February, a year and about eight months ago so we’re coming up on two years of podcast, crazy!

Candice Wu 44:50

Well, everyone, take care and see you next time on the Embody Podcast.