Candice Wu 0:10

In this episode, I give my first update about my trip to Mexico about some spiritual emergence and crisis that I’m moving through, as well as how to use proprioceptive writing to connect more deeply with yourself and the words that you use, and your unconscious self.

Candice Wu 0:31

This episode contains explicit language and themes that may not be for all audiences.

Candice Wu 0:38

Hello and welcome. You’re listening to the Embody Podcast, a show about remembering and embodying your true nature, inner wisdom, Embodied Healing, and self-love. My name is Candice Wu, and I’m a holistic healing facilitator, intuitive coach, and artist sharing my personal journey of vulnerability offering meditations and guided healing support and having co-creative conversations with healers and wellness practitioners from all over the world.

Candice Wu 1:14

For one month, from February 10th to March 10th of 2020, my dream classes is free on Skillshare. So you can learn all about how to remember and record your dreams, and to uncover and awaken your dream life.

Candice Wu 1:29

This class supports you in building a nervous system that feels safe and embodied enough to play and open into your dream world, plus ways to specifically record your dreams with ease to allow the remembering to come with more ease. So check this out, along with the other Dream classes on Skillshare at CandiceWu.com/dreamclass1.

Candice Wu 1:57

Hello everyone. Welcome back to the Embody Podcast. It’s really interesting to tuned back in here today. I am in Mexico and I have spent about a week in Mexico City, and now I’m in Oaxaca, which is a little more southeast of Mexico City. And, wow, it’s been only a week of me being here, but I feel like I’ve been, in a sense around the world and back.

Candice Wu 2:26

So far, this is my fourth, Airbnb and finally, I have some peace and quiet to be able to podcast. For me, it’s a really interesting thing to look at myself and notice how I’m not completely overwhelmed by the sounds. I’ve had some traumatic experiences with sound and that has very much affected where I’m able to sleep and if there’s noise around me, I don’t sleep well. I get bothered by noises that just are unpleasant or too loud or overwhelming or when I don’t want it. And here, I’ve really embraced the sound to a large degree except for when it comes to podcasting and working with my clients.

Candice Wu 3:16

One of the first things that the first Airbnb host told me was that sound is an essential part of Mexican culture. There is sound to celebrate, there’s sound to communicate and to alert of certain things, different foods, different services, and it’s a part of what holds the heartbeat of the culture it seems. And so, I gathered a mishmash of sounds for you to just tune into. So here’s a blend… [playing sounds of Mexican street life]

Candice Wu 4:15

And lastly, I met a friend who was playing this beautiful guitar music on the streets, in one of the major areas… [playing guitar recorded in the streets]

Candice Wu 4:57

When I heard this music, it reminded me of my father and the guitar he would play when I was younger. So I just stopped and listened and took it all in and recorded it and it since has been really touching me on a deep level and healing my heart in many ways. So shout out to Juan Ignacio who is from Argentina, who is this musician playing his music.

Candice Wu 5:36

My first reaction when I arrived here in Mexico City was that it smelled just like Hong Kong, Indonesia, Chiang Mai all put together with a flair of Spain and Italy, at least in Maroma and like in Bayside area, which I know has that European flavor, but the exhaust, the tropical plants, the smell of different foods and a little bit of sewage, sometimes sounds, it was very heartwarming. And for this whole week, I have met so many kind people that have really held me in this experience.

Candice Wu 6:22

If you listened to the podcast a couple of weeks ago, about solo travel and some of my fears, you probably know that I had to break down some of the fears that I had about coming here around safety. And once I got here, all of those fears just dissolved, granted, I was in pretty safe locations comparatively, but that’s part of it, you know.

Candice Wu 6:48

In Chicago, where I live for 10 years, where many of you all listening are living as well, there are some areas that you just wouldn’t walk down the street in the dark alone or, you might just be a little more careful in certain areas just because you don’t know what’s going on there or maybe it’s unfamiliar, but there are places like that all over the United States that we would just be careful of. And it was just the same exact thing here. And by and large, people were just so friendly, wanting to connect with me. They’re curious about me, and I think because I’m Chinese, they don’t really know what to make of me. They don’t know where I’m from. They’re curious about what language I speak, and quite delighted when I speak any broken Spanish at all.

Candice Wu 7:43

I was really shy at first. I had been practicing with different podcasts, but once I got here, I was just like, I can’t follow what people are saying, it’s going too fast and it took a little bit to be — a little bit of courage to speak up and ask for what I needed, asked for them to slow down or let them know I couldn’t speak very much Spanish just a little bit, but that has been very well received and the smiles that I receive, the mannerisms of kindness here, I’m really appreciating.

Candice Wu 8:26

The biggest thing here, for me, is that I feel like parts of my soul are coming alive. The food, the sounds, as I mentioned, the people, the colors everywhere, the community, the aliveness, and the movement. It’s beautiful and very soulful. I haven’t got myself to try the crickets. I don’t really think I will. But, the Malays, the corn, I don’t eat corn at home or tortillas, but here, I’m eating that and it feels like a really nice, sacred connection to the land, to the people, the heart of people.

Candice Wu 9:08

So while all this is happening, and I’m discovering this place, it is just so happening that I am feeling through another layer of existential emergence or existential crisis, spiritual crisis, whatever you want to call it. It feels like a breaking down of ego, a breaking down of who I feel I am or who I thought it was, and a lot of grief, some anger, some sadness, some longing, and the questions, well, the thoughts that emerge into questions come in this form: Who am I anymore? What am I doing here like, in life in the world? What’s going on? What am I here for?

Candice Wu 10:01

And while all these questions are emerging, I feel that they’re not really to be answered functionally and if they will be answered, they will be through a revealing and through an allowing and emerging. But so far, those are just the words that are coming up with the feelings in the body and feels like I’m just sloughing off a lot of different layers that I don’t need anymore, and letting that surrender that I, so desired happen, letting myself come into more joy and delight and playfulness, and that has been my experience here.

Candice Wu 10:40

I know that astrologically a lot of people are going through different challenging experiences, different layers of themselves, whether or not you follow that. I’m curious where you’re at and how you’re feeling in yourself. What is the experience of your life right now?

Candice Wu 11:00

So, I invite you to take a moment and tune into that here together with me and with all those listening, just taking a moment to listen in word and feel the sensations in your body and what it’s like to be in your body now. And what is the theme of your life at the moment? What are you looking at spiritually or very functionally? And is there anything you need in your life right now to support you or make it a little bit more comfortable?

Candice Wu 12:01

Okay, so this inner listening just brings us to the main topic today which is proprioceptive writing.

Candice Wu 12:08

I recently went on a proprioceptive writing retreat at Hope Springs Institute, which is in Peebles, Ohio, way out in the boondocks, in this wonderful, gorgeous space held by nature. This space is created by Suzanne Stevens, in her vision of creating a spiritual center, a place where people can really find respite and connect with each other, connect with a deeper sense of themselves. That’s my perception of her, her space and what she’s offering. And here, she hosted Mary Bach, who does an annual proprioceptive writing retreat there at Hope Springs.

Candice Wu 12:58

This way of essentially journaling, or tuning in, has given me just another aspect, another way to integrate my experience and the ways that I already know how to tune in intuitively, it has offered me a deeper connection with myself, a feeling that I’m filling up this space in my body, and that I exist and embrace my existence. I feel surer of myself and I feel more present, loving to myself, as well as a deeper and more open space to be loving to others and to see others in their experience and their freedom with a clear boundary.

Candice Wu 13:52

So let me back up and explain a little bit about what proprioceptive writing is, at least to the degree that I’ve learned it and what I have experienced.

Candice Wu 14:03

Proprioceptive writing was coined by Linda Metcalf and Tobin Simon and it’s a way to listen in word, write down what you hear, and then ask yourself, what do I mean by, and whatever word seems to have some energy or tickles you in a certain way, or has a resonance? And then as you ask, what do I mean by this word, what do I mean by, then you listen again and let this stream of consciousness flow through.

Candice Wu 14:40

Proprioception is the perception and awareness of the physical position and movement of your body in space. So the sense that you know where your body is, and different parts of your body are, the awareness inside.

Candice Wu 14:58

So the combination of proprioceptive writing is this idea that we are moving knowledge, the words that we use carry knowledge from our experience. So our language set, our vernacular, the way we use certain words, is all rooted in our own wisdom, our experience, through our personal lives, societal, cultural, collective, and archetypal experience, and past life and lineage, all the dimensions and other dimensions that I have not named.

Candice Wu 15:34

There are ways that experience cannot be put into words but when we do take the time to let the words come through or any a semblance of words and sensation, or intuitive or appropriate receptive experience come through, then we get a chance to define things as much as it actually is possible. And that would be a quite endless process to let all words come to their fruition of meaning for us. But it’s a really fun experience and it was so deepening and it’s something that I’m going to be using for all sorts of things. But, the best thing that I found about it was to do the process of writing and then share it with the group, which was incredibly healing and powerful and validating.

Candice Wu 16:35

And just another thought, because I’m in Mexico and I’m using some Spanish, I’ve often noticed that being in another culture that has a different language set has a frequency that I need to plug into and as I plug into the language, I plug more into the frequency of shared knowledge, of connection, of the way interaction happens. And then, there becomes a sense of built-in meaning, and it can feel when I use certain Spanish words versus when someone else that is native there or has lived there uses that word, it carries something energetically different. For me, it’s a lot more flat because it’s a newer word.

Candice Wu 17:24

So, what do we mean by the words we use? What does each word carry? What does your name carry? What does mom or dad, work? Love? Play? Listening.

Candice Wu 17:45

Any word that you find interesting, what does that come with and not to use this type of writing as a thinking process? But one of — what do I mean by and letting the words come to you, letting the information be received by your listening and observational ear.

Candice Wu 18:09

So this inner listening is the heart of proprioceptive writing and it’s not so different from a lot of the different healing experientials that I’ve offered here or the type of listening inward that I do for myself that I support others in doing. But it is different when you write it down and it’s hard because there’s this weird interaction of having to slow down or allow the — what’s being — what’s coming forward to slow down enough so that it can be written down.

Candice Wu 18:48

And I have found there’s this weaving in and out of different parts of me coming forward. So different parts of me may be speaking and then another part and another part, but this sensing inward, intuiting, channeling, even perhaps, excavating, following the energy, all that is a part of this process.

Candice Wu 19:10

And as I’ve worked with this, just in these last couple of weeks, I’ve even found myself using words more particularly, but not in a belabored way more so in a way that I feel more connected with the word that I’m saying. I’m more personally connected and I feel that this process can lend itself to speaking in a more powerfully resonant and energetic way.

Candice Wu 19:39

I liked that Mary Bach said that we’re looking into every corner, and it’s like taking your eye towards people and looking through and just seeing everything you can see. And what I’m really left with, is this feeling of what is satisfying to me and what do I mean, and what comes through doesn’t have to make sense to anyone else, even when I read it to someone else, when I read it in the group, none of it had to make sense. It didn’t need to be understandable. And that was incredibly freeing because it just didn’t have to make any sense. None of it did. But it meant something to me and it touched something in me. And when I read it out loud, it gave me a feeling of showing up and being seen, especially in things that were more vulnerable, as well as I was more seen to myself, letting a group receive what just came — stream of consciousness — to me, was bringing me to the emotion more powerfully.

Candice Wu 20:51

So the process goes like this, listening to Baroque music for about 20 minutes, lighting a candle in front of you, just allowing that to be a part of the ritual of creating this time and space where this inner listening is to be had and to be received.

Candice Wu 21:14

So if you’d like to try this, you can pull up some Baroque music on YouTube or Spotify or whatever platform you use and set a timer for 20 minutes. You can even invite a friend to do this with you either in the same room or across distance online.

Candice Wu 21:37

And take a couple of breaths as you light the candle and as you ground and feel into your body, as you feel the space that your body is taking up, and after a couple of breaths, listen to any thoughts, words or sense of communication that’s coming through and begin to write. And just let the flow happen as you write down whatever it is that’s coming through without any filter, without any need to make it sound in a certain way, just how it is.

Candice Wu 22:22

And anytime you have a word that just tickles you a bit or stands out, or has more energy to it or calls your attention, pause there and write down: “What do I mean by” and that word that stood out to you. And then listen again and continue writing, recording whatever is heard from inside and whenever that exhausts itself, you can ask that question again and write it down, “What do I mean by” and check out a new word. And it can be a word that comes to you or word within what was just written.

Candice Wu 23:15

And if you feel like you’re getting stuck here in this thinking mode or blocked here, you don’t hear anything or you’re just writing the same thing over and over again, just allow that to happen, notice it. And the teacher of the retreat, Mary Bach would say, to go back to the thing that you touched upon right before you got blocked or you felt stuck, and that there was something there for you that maybe got glossed over or you missed a word that has some vibrancy, and just check out if anything pops up now. And there’s no expectation. There’s nothing to pressure yourself about. It doesn’t have to sound good.

Candice Wu 23:59

So relieving yourself of all that might be part of letting the flow happen and within what can come through, it is a bit like free association. It’s like, whatever is connected with that word might come up to you and things might be surprising, or things might feel ordinary, like, these are your thoughts every day. It doesn’t matter. Just let it all be recorded and observed, and just continue.

Candice Wu 24:32

And when the 20 minutes is up, your timer is up or the music stops, if you have a way to allow the music to just stop at 20 minutes, then finish the thought or sentence you’re on and write down, “How do I feel right now?” The question itself, and then answer the question.

Candice Wu 24:55

And just making an observational note about how you feel now.

Candice Wu 25:04

When I’ve done Dreamwork, I’ve often asked my dream, or the parts of my dream, different questions. So going back into the dream and tuning in, maybe there’s a car in the dream or certain person or a flower, anything, and I talked to that part, and the way that I do that is I write a question with my dominant hand, like, “What message do you have for me?” And then I answer with my non-dominant hand.

Candice Wu 25:38

This often offers the most powerful, poignant, simple, and profound information. So it seems to distill it and it’s coming from a different place we’re so used to writing with our dominant hand. And using the non-dominant hand is accessing parts of us that aren’t typically are more normally conditioned. And that’s something you can use in this process as well, if you want to try doing the proprioceptive writing with your non-dominant hand, it can offer a whole different experience.

Candice Wu 26:17

I recently did this experience with my sister and my mother and it was incredibly powerful. So it wasn’t the way we normally spoke to each other and the topics that came through, actually, each of us were connecting on certain themes, death, our family, moments of life, how we want to live life, those themes were emerging and yet, we each had such a different perspective. And I don’t know that in a conversation, these words or sentiments might have come through in such a pure way. And what I mean specifically is actually after we finished writing, and wrote how we felt on the piece of paper, we took time to read it to each other, which is what I did at the retreat as well.

Candice Wu 27:11

And each of us read what we had written all the way through and if something could be really hurtful to the other person, we were giving ourselves permission to skip that, just so the process can be really safe for each other and that it can be safe to yourself when — whatever wants to come through, wants to come through.

Candice Wu 27:41

And so we read each full piece out loud and then the other people get to react to it, but mostly share any other words that struck them for the reader to continue their exploration.

Candice Wu 28:03

So for example, my sister caught on to certain words for me that I wrote down then and took with me and it gave me some feedback as to what was striking her and resonating with her for me, and what might have some energy for me to continue to listen into.

Candice Wu 28:29

So this next segment of the podcast, I’ll share some of the themes that I had been working with during the retreat and what spilled into my life thereafter, as well as I will read a couple of excerpts from my writing, just to give you a sense of the experience for me. And keep in mind if you do use this process as a tool or try it or play with it, that your experience, your words, your stream of consciousness might sound completely different. And that’s what I found with my sister and mom, as well as the different people in the retreat itself.

Candice Wu 29:15

So if there’s any part of you that has that inclination to compare or have a sort of right way to do it, it’s just not relevant. And what is satisfying to you, as I mentioned earlier, what is coming to you and interesting to you, what is being heard from inside of you, that’s what’s important.

Candice Wu 29:36

So some of the themes that I was working with were sensuality, intimacy, and using these words in particular, remember, extract, erotic, dragon, sleep, tiredness, father, mother, baby, embarrassment, procure, manufacturer, wounds, choke, freedom, flexible belonging, fuck, uterus, kindness, descent, immigration, trauma, pleasure, trust, shadow.

Candice Wu 30:24

And what was really cool about this process was that using the names of people, the word for a friend of mine or a previous lover? “What do I mean by” and their name can bring up a whole experience that helps some sort of integration happen and reveals what’s there about it and also allowed me to look at some of my shadow parts like what are the associations with certain words, then we know what’s loaded into a word when we use it, what unconscious feeling is there, which reveals itself to consciousness?

Candice Wu 31:09

So here’s a piece from my third write?

Candice Wu 31:13

Sleep. What is sleep? A time of quiet rest into a space of nothingness and everything. My dad would disrupt my sleep. This caused so much torture for me all my life. But why does my uncle have the same issue? Did I repeat this experience? Where is the origin of this experience of torture for us? It has a feel of long before us.

Candice Wu 31:42

And another piece, what do I mean by intimacy, being in touch with what is touching the moment? One with the moment, embarrassment, guilt, sweetness, sadness, all, tenderness with it all. No hiding truth. Visual congruence with unseen but layers of this being in contact, the sensuality of the existence we have.

Candice Wu 32:11

And as I asked myself, what do I mean by sensuality, different words came up, but then more personal experiences came up, some sensual experiences that I had had recently that were bringing me into more intimacy and vulnerability, pleasure, sexuality.

Candice Wu 32:31

And so these were some really vulnerable pieces that I shared within the group and that was kind of exciting.

Candice Wu 32:38

And here’s the piece that I wrote later in the retreat, and I use my non-dominant hand, for me my left hand and this is what came through. You are a dragon from another dimension. You read light, digest energy easily because we’re so connected with the land.

Candice Wu 33:01

What do I mean dragon? Breathes fire, playful, flies, scales, wings, long tail, funny, and majestic all at once. From where? Another world. Does not have word name. It is a knowing — dragon tribe.

Candice Wu 33:23

What do I mean by tribe? Bonded to others in a group. This was the most free way to be in a tribe because I was so big I had a lot of place to travel and to wander but stayed near enough, we could communicate from far.

Candice Wu 33:41

So that piece I felt like I was channeling and connecting with some information about me being a dragon in another life and being in this multidimensional experience. Maybe it wasn’t another life, I’m not really sure but another part of me and I do feel another part of me is in this dragon part of me.

Candice Wu 34:08

And it continued, what do I mean dragon? A baby still growing, a toddler now, at one time I died. But I can live on different or is it simultaneous to now? It is now, I suppose. Deeply free and powerful, no need to prove yourself.

Candice Wu 34:29

What do I mean by prove? Do something to provide evidence that my human form has often felt the need to do.

Candice Wu 34:39

The Ugly Duckling is a human story but some get left behind and die and they just do prove to have felt the need to do things to be enough and worthy.

Candice Wu 34:52

Social media tugs on this, it seems to be the currency, achieve, do, show. This is what I’m doing, “how to be with this.” Look at the parts that are up.

Candice Wu 35:06

And then I’ll just read one more piece and this was the most vulnerable piece that I had written and I felt like I was breaking through some unspoken taboos, that was just my felt sense, which was not necessarily confirmed or not confirmed. But I do have a history in my lineage of sensing when certain topics are taboo, especially sex.

Candice Wu 35:40

So that was a similar feeling and similar to feelings I’ve had when I’ve done — when I’ve been part of group relations, work, or Tavistock group work, where the topic of sexuality is in the room like there — people are feeling it to some degree or something’s happening around it and reactions and defenses are coming up so that’s not felt, not talked about.

Candice Wu 36:14

And so, here I am in like, the fifth write. I think it was the night before the last day. And this is what comes up.

Candice Wu 36:26

Fuck. It’s fuck that wants to be here. What do I mean by fuck? Red energy, aka anger, sometimes, and other times passionate, forceful, something that intrudes for a reason, for desire or for boundaries and decent to keep away, to express a feeling of frustration and exasperation, to have sex with passion, to be filled up to the point of intensity. We’re all women here. At least that’s how I think we’re identifying and just as a point of reference that was at the retreat, and it feels dangerous in a way to approach fucking yet, isn’t it a part of us often?

Candice Wu 37:10

This act of fucking or sex? What power does it have? A putting together, remembering provoked physically if it is wanted, I guess or maybe even not, that’s a whole other can of worms `sigh or am I writing this because I have new relationship energy? Is it a relationship? What is it? It is kind of one. It’s what I want right now. The mystery and the pleasure, the joy, and yes, the fuck. But there’s much more than that. Am I done now? You’re not done with me. Okay, what? It’s not soft, it’s forceful and it’s assertive. Know what I want kind of energy. Maybe I can bring this more into my life for fun, for pleasure, joy. Yes. Why not? Not tucked away or unspoken, like it was in my family, and how it can be in my culture, not even a look or holding hands, or it means you must marry. Well, fuck that.

Candice Wu 38:14

Okay, I think we’re done now. And then I moved on to the question, what do I mean by liberation?

Candice Wu 38:23

So that’s all for what I’ll share today. I hope this was interesting for you. It’s actually quite freeing for me when certain things are hard to talk about or maybe they do feel like they have some sort of power in a room or with people I’m sharing with. As soon as I do share it, I feel like I’ve claimed it. And I’ve claimed that I’m more powerful than the themes or the words or the things that are going on. I’m the part witnessing and that topic doesn’t have power over me, or at least there’s this negotiation of that at times where maybe it feels like it has some power and speaking it truthfully decreases and dissolves that.

Candice Wu 39:12

So liberation. What do I mean by liberation?

Candice Wu 39:19

If you are inspired or compelled to practice this, I encourage you to try it or to take a proprioceptive writing retreat or to get the book that is written by the founders of the work. I will link that on the show notes where you can find Hope Springs Institute as well as Mary Bach and Suzanne Stevens.

Candice Wu 39:44

And whether or not you know what you’re doing, just try it if you want to, it’s really just listening in and not driving the car, but watching the train go by and writing it down.

Candice Wu 39:59

I know that this is a verbal experience, bringing some unconscious, unspoken stuff, some felt sense stuff to the surface into words and I’ve struggled with the fact that not everything can be put into words. And we just recognize that and allow for what can come through. And if pictures want to come through, then that can be a very powerful experience too.

Candice Wu 40:30

So, I encourage you to play with it and just see what works for you and if you have questions, feel free to reach out to me and I’ll do the best to answer them according to my experience, and in the next couple of weeks, I will be continuing on my travels. I don’t know where I’m going next. So in about four days, I will be likely leaving Oaxaca, but unsure of the next destination which is a little bit uneasy for me, but I think I’m okay with it right now. We’ll see what happens.

Candice Wu 41:09

It makes me a little uneasy to not know if I’ll have good Wi-Fi to do my quiet work because I love my clients and I don’t like to disrupt that process. But other than that, I’m really just in that surrender mode of, “Okay, show me where I’m supposed to go next and what unfolds for me, what I meant to be doing here.”

Candice Wu 41:38

And along with that, the spiritual emergence and stuff that is coming through and opening my heart up and breaking me open into grief and some vulnerable, creative, pink center of my heart. I’ll keep you posted on that too.

Candice Wu 42:01

Thanks so much for tuning in today. I hope this was interesting for you and wishing you all very well. And that sense of what is satisfying to you. What do you mean by certain words, what do you mean in your life, really feeling into your own energy and body that already exists.

Candice Wu 42:23

Before you go, I’d invite you to sign up for my newsletter that goes out once or twice a month and updates you on podcasts, retreats, workshops, self-love notes and updates about me and travel as well. You can sign up for that at CandiceWu.com/embody. Thanks so much for listening and see you next time on the Embody Podcast.