Candice Wu 0:00
This is an a{Life} Now episode about polarity, and coming into oneness and neutrality, dropping into a deeper space of love, and creating a new way of being, a new Earth, a new Life, creating new dynamics.
Candice Wu 0:18
And in this episode, I share about a feeling of worthlessness and wanting to disappear that I had, that surprised me and gave me some unexpected healing and wisdom.
Candice Wu 0:34
The embody podcast accompanies you on your journey of remembering and embodying your true nature, integration, and alignment with your vibrational clarity, self-love, and living a Life of Beauty and wholeness. It's a menu of transformative healing tools, experientials, meditations, and practices from a blend of Family Constellations, Somatic Therapies, and Holistic and Spiritual practices, sprinkled with vulnerable conversations with people who have the courage to be themselves, {alive now} Episodes with updates on my personal process and reverie Episodes that are “spiritual succulents” that honor, reveal, hug, shake or stir you into Love. I'm your host, Candice Wu, integrative and intuitive healing facilitator, and artist.
Candice Wu 1:36
Something that I've always been interested in is the opposite side of things, the polarity. The two sides of one coin, and especially where there are things that we overvalue in our society or we stigmatize. I've been interested in finding some sort of neutrality, where I can feel for and understand both sides and feel the bridge in between that links them. And it's with that.
Candice Wu 2:15
The other day, I was noticing this feeling of, I feel worthless. I am worthless. I am nothing, and I want to dissolve into nothing. I want to disappear. And for most people and even by my own perspective, I have built up my worthiness and thought that it was important to feel into self-worth rather than worthlessness and to heal worthlessness. And that, I guess, I wouldn't say it was a bad thing. It's just that it's not a feeling that resonates with my being that I feel worthless.
Candice Wu 2:59
So if it's there, either ignore it or if it's not ignorable, not ignore it, but just, it doesn't have power. But if it does have power, then look at it and heal it.
Candice Wu 3:12
And so here it came the other day and it came with a bit of sadness. So, kind of familiar to maybe other past feelings of worthlessness or unworthiness that I felt, but it had a different quality and it was here now, so I followed it. And they followed it, more words came and it continued on from I want to disappear. I want to dissolve into nothing. I want to be nothing.
Candice Wu 3:44
I asked myself a question that sometimes helps me. If I could dissolve into nothing, if I could feel worthless and nothing and disappear, what would it give me?
Candice Wu 4:00
When the knowing came, I just teared up and it felt like such a relief. And it was that I would feel peace. It surprised me, it surprised my mind at least… like I would feel peace if I felt worthless. I would feel peace if I could disappear. But those were actually the keywords, “disappear”.
Candice Wu 4:24
What it really meant to be, and it came through those words, even though it may not make total logical sense, but it kind of does, in that there are parts of me that have felt like I owed others something, that I exist for others. And I feel responsible for others, their well being or for making people happy.
Candice Wu 4:53
At this time of my life, it's only fragments of me like, little pieces of debris that feel that way. And, here it was, in this different format unexpected and surprising format, where, if I could disappear then it would feel amazing and peaceful because I wouldn't have to answer to anyone else. I wouldn't have to feel responsible for anyone else. I could be in my own world and be me and just be responsible for me and live my life for me, that I exist for me.
Candice Wu 5:37
It really brought me to clean up my dynamics with others, another level, where I trust in my own freedom and autonomy and I am that. I claim that. I take up that space as well as see the sovereignty of others. And, they're through responsibility for themselves and deeper knowing of their autonomy and wholeness and strength, and capacity and their journey, their path whatever they choose to do. And however one chooses to experience and be as a whole in their existence.
Candice Wu 6:27
So, I was shedding a layer of peace, of feeling like I owed others something in order to be okay. And if I, from that place of feeling that way, if I gave to others in a certain way, and these are little small things now, like returning text messages, maybe when I am not feeling totally compelled to in my being but feel like I should or feel guilty, emails and such.
Candice Wu 6:30
I'm really quite good at it now to just do it when I feel, I'm connected with it and that is for me to do in that moment I feel aligned and I feel happy or delighted to do it or feel purposeful for myself. It's truly a feeling of being in harmony with myself, my desires, and living fully in my being for my existence and for others because that is true harmony. If I can be fully in my existence, and others can too, everyone has that choice too.
Candice Wu 7:42
The process of getting there is a result of that choice or the journey with that choice can be something with that, I'm deeply free and so are others. And from that place, then I can connect with the cleaner intention, more of me, present and congruent with a clear intention of connection. Not connecting with others because I feel like I owe them something or I'm responsible for them and dependent, codependent in that way, on the dynamic, so it's breaking free of that dynamic and healing it and letting myself be from a freer place that is delighted to connect with people and interconnected, when I want to be and how much I want to be, as well as knowing that unconsciously and energetically, there's still a collective connection.
Candice Wu 8:50
So the feeling of the words and feeling of worthlessness going to wanting to disappear, going to peace, freedom, and harmony was so powerful for me and I loved that spin on it, of worthlessness. And it reminded me of how much I enjoy looking at polarities, and how going on one side or the other of a polarity is actually coming from the same energy.
Candice Wu 9:24
So the need to feel worthy and the need to feel, in my case, this kind of worthlessness that I am not indispensable, that I'm not the sole provider for certain people or like, so needed by people gives me a lot of freedom. But that I can be there for other people if I want to. And both sides of that spectrum come from not a place that I'd like to criticize or put as lesser or lower or worse, but more so a developmental, appropriate place of needing to develop that knowing and that side of myself, needing to know what it feels like to be worthy, needing to know what it feels like to be worthless, and therefore being able to come into the center of neutrality, that I'm not either of those things with that. I'm neither of those things and everything both. With that, I'm the awareness that feels these experiences. And to move beyond it naturally is to have felt both sides and understand them in my body. And then it's not a thing anymore. And that's where it's becoming. It's really nice to feel more in myself. More here for myself and coming towards connection from a more easeful, pure, and clear place of desire when that's there. And when it's not there, that's just the right thing.
Candice Wu 11:26
So what this leaves me with for all of you and for myself is the — just awareness that we are none of the things that we are trying to say we are and we are those things at the same time, you know, we are enough… inherently… and there's a deeper enoughness and worth of our existence that just is and that goes back to just almost all Spiritual sources that are deep knowing that we are, we exist, and therefore have value just because we exist. And to just feel that in my bones and my knowing, and to look at the places that maybe I hold and attach myself to, as part of the polarity, the duality, and to allow those places to gently come to the oneness, where it holds both, the both and the nothing.
Candice Wu 12:40
So some of these words, you know, I explain this in a kind of complicated way. I'm sure I could have explained this more simply. But I hope that you're receiving the energy of this, no matter what, and that if you've listened to it, that there's something in it for you, perhaps, or some piece of it that just connects with you. And if not, feel free to just leave it.
Candice Wu 13:07
I wanted to share this piece with you. It relates to a lot of the things I have talked about on the podcast like touching into the shadow side of empathy in that episode. You can find it at [CandiceWu.com/empathy](https://CandiceWu.com/empathy). Just looking at ways in which empathy goes awry, turns awry, and the door just opened.
Candice Wu 13:34
And just looking at the other side of the things that we assume our values and we assume, should be a certain way. And the way we look at society as a collective and what's happening, even social justice, it's coming in as a disguised form of the same energy of the opposition, sometimes. And there's nothing wrong with that, it's just swinging from one side to the other and reliving the same energy or energetic dynamic and relational dynamic as well.
Candice Wu 14:20
And if that's the case in your life, are there ways that you want to come into the neutral space?
Candice Wu 14:28
A neutral space doesn't mean you don't take any action or do anything that helps people or that brings awareness or does some good, does some — and I question the word “good”, but does something that you want to create that feels good. It just means being neutral just means that you get to do it from a place of freedom and from a place that doesn't create the same effect from the opposite end.
Candice Wu 15:02
When we look at racism and anti-racism, that's often that kind of dynamic, where racism is on one polarity and anti-racism is on the other and it's coming from the same place of hurt. And it can often create the same hurt… or another level of hurt. And if you take the content out of it and look at the pattern, all dynamic of the energy or the things that are happening that it creates, produces something similar, another opposition.
Candice Wu 15:50
I know it's very pronounced with our president in the United States, Trump, and in other countries as well. There's a lot of opposition and polarity and divisiveness and we're really seeing opposition very prominently in our experiences as humans here.
Candice Wu 16:14
I don't necessarily like some of the things that I see. And where can I find a neutral space where I can bring loving, that isn't of the same pattern I see, is what I like to go for. And then, of course, there are just so many million ways that our dynamics are hidden to even ourselves and maybe to others too. Ways we feel like we're doing something good and it covertly creates the same wound or hurt.
Candice Wu 16:52
And so I just love this conversation.
Candice Wu 16:55
Let this be a conversation with you if it's a place of awareness that you want to build in yourself. If it's something you want to create, and as many people are saying, now we are creating a new Earth or we're creating a new vision. We're stepping into a new way of being. However you say that or put words to it, I think finding the neutral space where both sides of polarity can be held and dissolve into the oneness and the nothingness, the wholeness, the totality, the drop into a larger expanse of awareness, where that's more connected with source. When that can come through, we have the ability to really create something different.
Candice Wu 17:55
So that's all that wants to come through today. Thanks for listening.
Candice Wu 17:59
Sending my love out there to all of you and the energy of clarity, the light to be able to see yourself, see the world from a different standpoint that's not attached to polarity.
Candice Wu 18:14
Hope you're all doing okay and if you want to hear more from the {alive now} series, check that out at [CandiceWu.com/podcast](https://CandiceWu.com/podcast) and you can click on {alive now} to see the thread of all the episodes that were alive and present for me in the moment of recording and very raw, as well as other podcasts by me and guests and the experiential and meditations that you can tune into as well. And if specifically, you want the meditations and experientials for healing or grounding, loving yourself, you can find it at [CandiceWu.com/meditations](https://CandiceWu.com/meditations).
Candice Wu 18:54
Thanks for listening to the Embody Podcast to this {alive now} episode.
Candice Wu 19:01
See you next time on the Embody Podcast.
